Next Year

The week before Christmas, I was thinking about where and how I would like to be next
Christmas. I realized that I must use my sadness about certain aspects of my life to fuel desired changes. I must start today..because the time needed is not evident.

Snap!

In response to my extending my hand and giving my name,the party guest informed me that we had already met..Well she must not have made an impression..SNAP!

Diane Keaton

Describing her break-up with Al Pacino, she said, she did not handle it in the most perfect way. I love this..I can admit blame without reliving the details..with the new year..a new training will start

Paying it Forward

Hearing the positive words that was said about me always means a lot to me. Pass on compliments because it may come right at the perfect moment.

Denny's

Drawn to a booth for Wei fie..hearing fragments of a diner's health report..I immediately wondered, should he be eating at Denny's.

Hints of Evolution

Talking to a party guest. Words flowed so smoothly and easily. Concluding the conversation by slipping in a suggestion to meet somewhere else and some other time..
I choose to believe I showed hints of evolution by making a suggestion.

Christmas Gift

Curiosity mounted as to what my Christmas gift would be. Whispered phrases, "isn't to late?".."can she use it?"..."will she know what to do with it?"...emerged from different areas of the house.

On Christmas morning, I unwrapped the gift of potential.

Impressive

I was talking to a person about his social and health changes. Hearing his history of decision-making affirmed that we are all impressive people in different ways and for different reasons. Expanding our social circle will introduce how

Cold Shock

Everytime I look in the mirror, I must compliment and become more at peace with my
features to prevent my cold shock when a picture of me pops up on my facebook
wall

Discussing Food

The same baked good from the same deli was my emotional lure from my apartment for several days this month. My initial confessing of my renewed relationship with processed sugar was to endeavor to shake off feelings of failure. (for most of the fall,I was focused on fruit sugar)

I am now leaving self-hate on the plate with the baked good..I am choosing to inform my
friends of daily contact because I believe the variation of eating is an emblem of my being
out of balance. I want to interject awareness into my conversations so that they do not take
subliminal behavior personally... directions to stop feeling responsible for unintentional hurt is not on my emotional G.P.S (yet)

Being a Runner

I have always been a grateful walker..walked off anxiety..walked to feelings of empowerment...walking for miles with music in my ears is a perfect Sunday..then I
started to envy a runner's freedom like the way I envy an uninhibited dancer..watching a runner is like watching the mobile version of "everything we need is inside of us"

Becoming a runner was suggested to me, I feel afraid to start

fear does not seem like a good enough reason to not try to be a runner

Fragile Resovle

I was thinking I was gaining a new layer of self-preservation..a resolve in loving from a
distance....one moment, feeling the ease of a loosely buckled vest armor of resolve..next moment, nearly blindly sending him a note..stunned at how quick and blind the potential act could occur...the buckles of the vest may have to be re-adjusted..yet it continues to remain

sarcastic?

Sitting at Starbucks, a gentleman declared me "a nice person"..I asked if he was being sarcastic ....just last week, I felt clear on knowing what was good about me..I have come
far and have far to go..he was declaring me nice..not a Jewish mathlete

Freeing

I am walking in the freedom of not trying to get the approval of certain people that life has placed in my life..there is a freeing in letting go that I have never quite
experienced before..starting with a relief of no longer having to push myself to come up with whatever would be required to acquire the mystery puzzle piece to make me whole..now a peace is settling in..

EROTIC?

I told a friend that I was referred to as neurotic..He said that is good, right?
No, I said neurotic

Orange Vest

My social circle has been injected with acts of respect,positive reinforcement and the true beauty of love and acceptance. Experiencing this transfusion has strengthened my vision of friendship...now spotting poor friendship is like spotting an orange vest
in the woods

Turning Fifty

I am frequently finishing my emotional expressions with "and I am turning fifty"

It is my way of saying that I do not want to look back and view myself as crazy for
not moving on quicker from certain people in my life..I want to do my best in my forties to subtract the scene of me siting on a couch with a book in lap,in my fifties, dumbfounded by my length of deliberation on arriving at specific points
of my emotional map.

Hair Color

The young cashier,at my market, questioned my need for hair color. I did not know whether to propose to him or send him through college.

Ceasing Erosion

I have started to release him. Feeling relieved to have the emotional positioning system to be able to travel to this point on my relationship map. Ceasing the erosion of self direction that occurred when I was waiting for him to announce I was "okay".

His Choice

The answer permeated my air like heat from the furnace..it is not that he wants to talk to me
yet can not because of every reason under the sun.. hearing about his past week..it was not about time..it was about choice..and it was his choice not to talk to me..and I grant him
that choice

Walking in the Rain

Walking in the rain,across a large car soaked parking lot, picking a specific quality for
self condemnation. Wondering if I would apply the same assessment of the same quality on some-one else..the answer would be an unflappable no.

Not Breezy

I am not easily referred to as a breezy person. Evites arrive,to an annual party, in my inbox. Others use the comment box with offers to bring ice..I use the comment box to write that the party evite is an affirmation of my social identity.

If Periods

I am in an "If period"..a returning to an emotional square one..a reverse of emotional progress..feeling that I am one act or word grouping away from being
given something more then what he is giving me..what that is? being declared
important?..feeling respected? Answers to why him in particular also do not come..

Perhaps my demand is for clarity not for him

Reunion Theories

I attached theories to the reintroduction of certain members of my past. Opportunities for
do-overs and the fleshing out of desired approval. Supposed needs are not fulfilled.

Turning to Rev.Master Jisho Perry's, a monk at the Shasta Abbey,..saying, "Patience is the ability
to end our expectations"..renews my charted course.

Emotional Fingerprints

Destructive people will be released from my life. The residue of their fingerprints remain on my memory. Stopping short of passing on my read books, sending notes...now knowing that if I act beyond the well wishes, myself will be sacrificed

Over-eaters Anonymous Meeting

Running into a friend, first words out of my mouth were a confession of my spending
the week consuming rice,brownies and Pepsi..a dramatic contrast to usual food regimen

Siting in quiet with the same friend..don't u love siting in quiet with certain people?..
I realized I am treating every conversation,this week, like being at a podium at an
over-eater's anonymous meeting...or maybe I am a little to eager to announce "my failures"

Intimate Strangers

Finding myself telling a cabdriver..you know I have that fear..reaffirming the placement of intimate strangers featured at my three points of commerce..their physical closeness through-out my days has created an emotional closeness..Their abilities to identify my levels of behaviors and my daily access to them frequently select them as first recipients of my important life changes

Emotional Diamonds

Behavior evaluations are lavished on me from members of two specific areas of my life.

I am riveted by people's unwavering positions on my self view...displaying a drive to hand pick the perfect words for me to assume their position.

My unwavering position is that I am not easily defined.

gettable

Dusty Springfield advises "never let yourself get to gettable"..Well Dusty could have been talking directly to me.

A lot of the time, I am quiet and focused on my key life players...and then Thanksgiving happened..
The holiday started with being entertained by a guest's observations and ended with private messaging him about how he is an individual in pouring gravy.

My friends have removed all ghetto blasters from my ghetto pad..as in John Cusack in "say anything"

turkey burger

I can blindly act..learning to pause before acting in areas of personal control.. even in the event of a turkey burger ... after each bite, I asked myself, do you want the next bite?

Parts of the turkey burger remained on the plate for the waitress

Rolling Tampons

It finally happened..I have faced a fear and it can be crossed off my list of fears..

Using the Wei Fie at a gourmet market, partnered with a purse with tampons resting at the bottom of it. The purse tipped over and the tampons rolled towards the registers.

I chalked it up to life happens..a boy with his mother at the nearby coffee counter
was mortified ..he had to go outside

Lady Gaga

I have decided to have a new attitude when attending annual holiday parties.
I will channel Lady Gaga when pulling out my zip lock bag, to collect parts of the glazed ham from the buffet table, to take home.

Woody Allen

I was spending a lot of time with a male friend. I emotionally selected him as my life partner...viewing him in a category of his own..Discovering he was gay did not
deter me..so perhaps a discussion would be required..THEN:

He informed me that he did not understand why people went to Woody Allen's movies

There was no turning back

changing to stop

A friend was expressing concern regarding a specific behavior pattern of mine. She asked if I was hurt...I was not hurt because if I want less of these types of conversations then I need to change my behavior.

Christmas Book

I was given,a book, The Four Agreements for Christmas. I took it personally.

small town grocer

A supermarket chain in a strip mall, I frequent, has the atmosphere of a small town grocer.
Popping into the market after work, I am greeted with a smile that could light the dairy section.

He collects tidbits about me, individualizing his shoppers.

This is a variation on a blog theme..our kindness will improve the days of others..and he does

The Laffer in the Bunch

Standing at the Starbuck's counter,exchanging stories with the laffer of the Starbuck's
bunch. what started with a story from present day...ended with a story from the first quarter of my year with "my Starbucks"

Walking home, I thought about how I was when I entered the corporate kaffeeklatch in the morning of this year and how I am departing in the evening of this year.

Their complete acceptance and positive reinforcement transformed me in a way I feared
would never happen

Not in a Pretty Way

I was practicing the lessons of the earth teachings of a friend..a friend that departed my life in a less then pretty way..When I was applying his teachings, I re- felt the being in the same room and the seduction..I immediately thought to send a note of appreciation and love..what stopped me was the question: Wouldn't sending the
note reinforce how he departed? saying it was okay?

Unintentional lessons?

Less Opportunities

I am learning to give people less opportunities to evaluate my exercise and eating habits. ..I may inform my friends that I am walking, perhaps not the length or speed
of completion..I may tell friends I had dinner..not whether it was McDonald's chicken mcnuggets or a Starbucks' protein box.

I am also learning that with-holding information may not always be  equal to shame ..it may
also be equal to self protection.

emotional irony

I spend big portions of my days and nights asking the universe for stories about me to rise to the surface for composing a blog posting and to perform on stage.

My daily call suggested I inform the barristas at "my Starbucks" of my blog and dates of my performances....responding "really? that seems so self-absorbed"

Our Addictions

The holidays bring out our addictions. I become addicted to wishful thinking..wishful he will contact me..he will surely contact me on thanksgiving..A permeating wish that he will come though..in a way that is never quite clear..I give him the choice.

Why do these wishes chaperon my outlook during the holidays? Perhaps it is because during the holidays certain people assess what is important and I want him to declare me important.

His nagging silence informed me that the love I gave him would have not been wasted on myself

ABORT

I am lucky to have a large catholic family in my life. A family member invited me to a dinner to be shared among her extended family. I told her that if life happened and my inclusion was adverse..please text me: ABORT

unblocked

Reflecting on the past year..realizing that no meanness has been directed at my looks since the universe
removed certain people from my direct circle..the universe had to do it because I was not yet at a point to say that it was
was not okay to be told I was ugly..the removal created space for the loving people that,now, surround me

regal canine princess

I am giving thanksgiving for spending the week with a regal princess of a canine..I am also pondering her observations of me: ........ how she can talk about
the same three topics to her daily call.......how can a person not be able to smell..
she takes medication without wrapping it in meat?....we both seem to like things in our mouth...

Being with this canine companion is the best relationship I have ever had

100 pounds and 20 years

Walking through my brain as my body walked to two of my most significant reunions was the undiluted belief that their dominant observation would be: why didn't she loose weight?
....She had 20 years to do it..certainly enough time..

In fact they told me I looked beautiful..great..

the beauty was the portion of me that was at peace

body warmth

Sharing a love seat with a regal canine companion, her head and legs on my thighs.

Feeling her body warmth is equal to feeling unconditional love

we all have it

Two conversations starting with a utilitarian purpose ending with a love letter..in the last week with people from diverse life areas...We ended our talks exchanging points of admiration..behavior we saw in each other that we never thought we could do..

We all have points that others admire about us..we may be not expressing it..

Start

WOW!

A man told me he had complete faith in me..a supreme level of acceptance..I told,him, I succeeded in my mission..He said he never had a doubt...What a thing to hear...WOW!

emotional beauty mark

Living with concentrated periods of being told what was wrong with my appearance by both loved ones and strangers..maintaining the evaluations as a birthmark and my positive evaluations were as fleeting as a hair cut

A man expressed confusion with my wearing of the poor taste of others ...this time it held and clicked ..I will define the beauty mark.. by only listening to expressions of beauty

life is a gradual process

starting with a glimpse

Smothering my tooth brush with paste, I caught sight of my thick wavy hair and rich brown eyes. The word pretty held my brain secure. Feeling pretty may not have always come naturally...it will, starting with a glimpse

oxygen tank

My tongue become a conveyor belt for complaints being blurt out to a married couple. My eyes were directed at the wife when the husband smiled and said things could be worse. I diverted my focus and took in the oxygen tank that gave him life..

yes, it could

outside the box

I met a friend for lunch. He informed me that I had be more open to thinking outside the box.

I ate an egg white for a god's sake..how much more outside the box, can I get?


please refer to "my emotional mount Everest"..for reference

medicated and isolated

Standing outside a club,waiting to perform, telling a comedian that when I bomb on stage

I need to be medicated and isolated for two or three days..He announced that when I engage in
reliving the comedic blackness then I am bombing three times instead of the true one time

perspective shift

tidal wave of approval

An acquaintance expressed a belief in me. I rode the tidal wave of approval for the rest of the day. getting ready for bed, a splash of his approval hit my face and I wondered why my words do not have the same effect on me as a semi-stranger.

high five

A barrista at "my Starbucks" would want to signal the end of our transactions with either a
fist pump or a high five. I could not believe that a purchase of a banana would be worthy of such a celebration. So I informed him that I could only engage in one fist pump or high
five per shift..it was purely about me..I truly have respect for him.

love ratio

I never believed in the existence of 100% kindness. I always had ready made explanations for my friend's bad behavior being directed towards me. I would tell myself that he was generous three out of my five visits with him..so he is viable friendship material..or she
showed a lot of love at the beginning of the relationship..so maybe she is now going through a bad period.

If anyone showed a flicker of love,kindness or generosity ever..then I could not release them because if they showed they could be kind once then they will be able to show it again..I just need to be patient and wait out their unreliability..meanness..pettiness

Until now..I now have a circle of friends that have lit a path for me. and you know what?
they are even-tempered 100% of the time...jump back, Jack

I do not know

I always find it refreshing when people respond with a "I do not know" to questions. Whenever I hear it ..I think I should say "I do not know" more often.

I ,once, asked a client if I would ever stop xeroxing my parent's taste in furniture and create my own taste. She said "I do not know"..My respect for her increased by leaps and bounds.

She did not "should" me and she let me be..creating a pocket of acceptance

manifesting dreams

Two friends have manifested their dreams this Fall. I have watched them lay the groundwork for their dreams to arrive. Witnessing them not giving up has taught me
not give up. Being their friends has inspired me to design a dream of a life placement and to start building the bridge to a more desired style of life.

rejected by splinters

A man finds me on face book..a man I had forgotten existed..He declared me amazing with in the first words of our reunion, his voicing "there is nobody like you" was the last
message I heard before going to bed. Spending time with him made me feel less like an emotional orphan.

Calls stopped being returned..text messages were ignored..being rejected by splinters
of technology.....

I will learn to accept it

ice

The role of ice in a beverage consumes me as I consume it. I have always held the steadfast belief that ice can only elevate a beverage. My loyalty began to defrost when a realization floated to the surface..the sinister role ice can play when beverages and commerce come together..
as in beverages sold at a movie theater..the dominating ingredient of ice robs the movie watcher
of their entitled amount of soda

emotional time-share

I have spent large portions of my life with a time-share in the past. rethinking decisions..feeling shame for trespasses against others..a lot of questioning..

I am starting to put into daily practice the assessment that I am making the best decisions with my current tools. I must break free of defining myself by my mistakes.

Keys

Writing my blog in an italian bistro, A woman begun to flirt to me..I asked her if she thought I was gay because of my daily wearing of tennis shoes...She said it is also about having a large key ring..so I have one key..true story..one key..does that mean I asexual?

deciding to accept

I,sometimes, become upset or frustrated when friends are not emotionally available. I used to engage in a self dialogue about how I would be there for them and now they are not there for me. It simply does not matter..it not about what I can give, it is about
what the friend is able to give or not give and deciding to accept or not accept it.

life moments

I will think I am over something and then there will be pain..anything during any day
can trigger the pain..the pain comes in different forms..tight stomach..misty-eyes..
needing a pepsi on ice with a toasted plain bagel..I would hate myself for being weak..

Telling my "daily call" I was fine I really was..I have completely transgressed..NO, I am
living life and life has moments of sadness,anxiety and wondering if I made the right decisions.

self protection

Even when I was doing it, I could not believe I was doing it. I put myself down to an acquaintance,complete negative self-exposure, for an introduction to a joke. I believed more in the joke then in self-protection.

higher grade of carpetting

A former room-mate and consistent blog cheerleader emailed how proud she was of me for living my dreams...While most of me was spirit electric..a tiny part of me interrupted my glee by asking if I was living my dreams wouldn't I have a higher grade of carpeting?

more nos then yeses

I was reflecting with a friend the evolution in my relationship with food. Taking the position that a complete eviction of specific sugar agents could be unrealistic. Greeting my desired forms of sugars with more nos then yeses is my preferred aproach

ditsy/brightness

I have a condition that I have named as ditsy/brightness. I can be very sharp and perceptive..and then a comment will slip out of my mouth..

When people complement my spec frames..I respond with complete seriousness ..yes,thanks,
the glasses are for my eyes..yet I never doubt my brightness

emotional ambrosia

Thinking it was just another night coming to a close at Starbucks..standing at the counter, saying good-bye..my good bye was greeted by a barrista asking if I wanted to know what the other associates say about me..I was like "aw yeah! this is emotional ambrosia"

She threw me the curve ball of asking me what I thought the associates were saying about me. I spitted out descriptions like a pez dispenser spits out candy..."cold,withdrawn,needs an eyebrow waxing, moves slowly"
She looked at me like
I just failed a self esteem test miserably..no,
the associates wonder if you are a performance artist..

oh well,that is a different story

M&Ms

Craving in to a desire for M&Ms in the wee hours of the night. Presenting the cashier, in colors of shame and relief, a king size bag of plain M&Ms. She would consistently inform me that two smaller bags of M&Ms are cheaper while giving me the same amount. I could not help think..I am in a seven/eleven at two am..is poor budgeting really my biggest problem?

Emotional Twins

I have reunited with a male friend that is the emotional twin to a male relative. They had vastly different childhoods,yet, they are united in their morning routines,driving styles, and their emphasis on nutrition. My friend has said nearly the same words to me as my relative has said to me
..one thing he has said to me

that my relative has not said...my friend says he is proud of me..and when he does

I feel a healing

Emotional Emancipation

Stumbling into seemingly exquisite chemistry, a part of my brain became subleased,loaned out, borrowed

Going to trader joes, moments are used to wonder if I should buy his favorite cookie..moments are also used to wish him love, being at peace, comfort in their skin..then an unexpected liberation

A part of the brain that was lovingly given away, is returned to me to be loving to myself

I have been emotionally emancipated

Reunion

Reuniting with members of your past invites an opportunity to create a balance of making peace with your social interactions with a particular person and creates a fresh
start, the best scenario is to live in the now and stem conversations from everyday events, yet not cringe when a bad memory is invoked, also not to stay friends because a friendship once existed in a different time and place

To Be

I am learning to be..not to divide my attention..not to send an email while eating
apple slices..not to talk on the phone while walking..I was sitting at a restaurant table getting ready to a write a letter..I paused..and gave myself permission not to
write the letter..I felt my body relax..pause and breathe

The Russian

A Russian man entered my life in the form of a driver..having my mobile number due to cab company protocol..changed his form to confessor when his text messages began to come in the form of sexual alph bits borscht ..my reactions came in the form of outer silence while internally asking "who gave him a rubel for his thoughts?"


Being at the mercy of a grim Verizon's sales associate, my reaction took another form
my phone signaled the arrival of a text message..asking the phone doctor..who is texting me?
She dryly reported "a Russian"..my reaction took the form of denial..maybe I am becoming a
character in the bourne identity

WD 40

Standing at a soda dispenser, targeting my paper cup for ice..staring into space ..thoughts spinning in my head like a rotisserie..I was a good physics student... I need to clean my furniture... did I forget to email someone?..while I stopped to survey the ice level of my cup..a homeless man turned to me and asked me if I was alright..maybe the Starbucks lead associate is right..I do seem depressed 90% of the time

I was so touched by the gentleman's concern that I gave him WD 40 for his cart.

pizza heaven

"Pizza Heaven" is a name of a restaurant in my father's neck of the woods. Heaven? really? is pepperoni pizza the go to meal for resuurrection?

My emotional mount everest

I did something today that I never thought I would do..I mean I knew I was capable of doing it..like rock climbing or running a marathon.. I just never pictured a moment where an opportunity and self motivation would come together so perfectly as to capture this completely unexpected result. I mean it was nearly beyond my wildest dreams...

I had an egg white on a whole wheat english muffin...It really is beyond my wildest dreams because it means I am able to eat in a healthier manner which is a form of self kindness...Are you inspired?

Producing Lessons

I learn lessons in clubs that inform my daily life outside of the clubs. Reporting to a show producer that a fellow comic suggested I change my style of delivery. The producer responded, why do you assume that he knows more then you do.

uncomfortable

I am relearning to become comfortable in silence. The discomfort over-rides my whole being when I walk. Friends are repeatedly called...the shortest of walks feels like a marathon.

A life guide advised me to walk in discomfort and eventually through it.. it has worked

Stalking Starbucks

While digesting my daily cocktail of Wei Fie and fruit, I discovered the lead associate and I share a dry wit and a love for sweeping. And then day after day,his
figure was absent among the coffee beans and the scones. I became more unraveled with each passing shift...crumbling..with beseeching eyes while clinging to the cold case..I asked the barrista, " he's coming back? isn't he?"..She gave a nothing answer

I realized the grounds of my former atmosphere were going to grind to a halt. And a venti size thought shot straight to my head like a brain freeze..

he toasted my weekly bagel ..he is a witness to my weekly carb-count consumption.. clearly a relationship that was not meant to last

subtle lessons

While chatting up a male friend,the night before Valentine's day, I slipped in my sending of chocolates into the phone conversation. Knowing he was without a girlfriend, I reinforced
that I like to prevent sadness.. when I can

He reacted, "really? that is a big responsibility"

A more subtle lesson can take more of a hold

90 %

Consuming Wei fie at Starbucks is a daily ritual (for me) The coffee house's lead associate brewed the opinion that I appear depressed 90% of the time.

MMMM, only 90% of time?

STUNNED

I was in a meeting and dates were being tossed out among the members. A woman brainstormed "march 18Th" ..and I felt an instant reaction bolting from my eyes..

March 18Th is the date of the death of a close friend..she died six years ago..

I always become stunned when the distance of time does not give me a sense of acceptance

Riding the Wave

"just say thank you"

Getting off stage, a club investor declared my routine a success. I started to say, "oh thanks, because it can be such a disaster"..He cut me off by saying:

"Rebecca, just say thank you".. I thanked him for the advice.

job interview questions

I am starting to interview for employment positions. I am preparing for the interviews by role-playing with my friends.

The preparation prompted me to think of amusing answers or perhaps more honest self evaluations

TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF?

I am flirting with adopting the concept, "less is more"

Sweeping leaves me feeling empowered

I am not confident that I can surrender wearing black everyday

When I can not sleep, I do leg lifts

I have,finally, given up my resistance to wearing mascara

He ended the interview with a question..I said "wait, I did not rehearse answering that question"

Such as life

emotional deleting

I am guilty of reinforcing relationships that do not reinforce the best in me. In weak moments..usually when I can not sleep.. I text people..thinking a text here or there would not hurt..it does.. So I have gotten smarter..I have by deleting phone numbers from my phone and eliminated the temptation

Shades of Control

Many rooms in my emotional house are painted with shades of feeling out of control. I have discovered that if I paint a room in the house with a feeling of being in control.. even if it is the smallest room in the house.. reinforcing a good habit..

I feel much more empowered to tackle the other rooms..taking a room at a time

My life can be a gradual process

Free Pizza

While I was sitting in an Italian bistro, a homeless man came in to ask for free pizza.
I offered to pay for his dinner of cheese pizza.. no home no toppings

it is just part of the bylaws

Earth Teachers

I view life as a train station..think of the big lobby of grand central station.. the train passengers are my earth teachers and I do not know how long I get to be with them before their train departs .. I call them earth teachers because they travel into my life to teach me what I need to learn.. it may take an hour, a month or a lifetime

When people depart my life I focus on what I may have learned then focusing on the sadness

purposeful?

I was soaking up wei fei at a gourment market. A woman started a conversation with me regarding life and death. She completed her lunch and conversation by saying "you know more then you think you do"

Does the universe arrange for us to get messages and people are the vessels to relay the message. Are these messages produced by the same currents that arrange for the phone to ring by a friend that you were just planning to call?

You tell me? Discuss

emotional life track

I can get distracted by certain evaluations of me. The distraction veers me off my emotional track and diverts my emotional vision. Reporting to a mentor of a negative review of my comedic delivery, he said why do you assume someone knows more then you do?

I am back in my life lane, looking ahead and ready

sad times

There are times of the day or night when my battle to resist an ice cream chocolate chip cookie sandwich becomes more acute. Do you struggle with this? a time of the day when resisting a drink,certain foods or certain friends is an uphill climb?

Well, my sad time is between 9pm and 11pm and I discovered that my gym closes at 11pm.
I am grateful to life for providing me with a solution of empowerment.

LIFE IS A DAILY PROCESS

overcoming

I view life as a series of becomings and overcomings. Well right now I am overcoming the grief of a social change..not having the same closeness of certain friends that I once had. I am focused on not giving myself permission to grieve by sleeping more,exercising less,treading water in pools of Pepsi and or reinforcing bad relationships for a short diversion.

I am giving myself permission to feel every color of my adjusting process. I will learn overcome without it being at my expense.

good deed

An acquaintance reminded me of a good deed I performed.. It was such a gift on a glum day..Hearing what was right about me was a grand way to end my evening

a gift we can all give each other.. reminding ourselves what we do right

2nd base

A male friend and I caught a flick.. well because it was at the museum.. I will refer to it as a film.. I briefly dozed off and awoke to find my companion caressing his clothed chest. The evening ended with the pact that his reaching 2nd base would remain between his shirt and his hand.

peanut butter cookie

pleading that a peanut butter cookie from subway was the only good thing about my day to a friend's voicemail. I was joking.. I said to myself hey wait? if that is true.. it is up to me
to change it.. a flip casual message lead me to wonder what can I do each day that will make my life better and have actual long term positive affects.

in a relationship

I engaged in a relationship that my relatives evaluated as false. I decided to only consider the evaluations of the people inside my relationship not the evaluations of people outside of it.

a gay focus group

A gay focus group is recruited and assembled prior to my blind dates. A most unsettling assignment was given to me.. to stop dressing like morticia by wearing brighter colors.. me? who buys black pants like it will give Anne Frank another day in the attic.

sarah's quote

Sarah,Duchess of York, wrote in her book,Finding Sarah, " befriend your gifts"

I always find it refreshing when people inform me of their strengths in a straight forward manner.

It is not conceit to be aware and present your gifts.

emotional lint vent

I have days where past regrets and future anxieties come together to create an emotional lint vent. Avoiding succumbing to the emotional pile-up, it is important to surround myself with gentle people and reinforce a healthy routine. Engaging in self sabotage
will prevent a quicker recovery and could be in a future emotional lint vent.

hesitate

I must learn to hesitate when people ask of me a firm yes. A variation of the acts of pausing and reflecting is to practice giving the response " I will let you know".

It will give me time to marinate and be able to give the correct answer.. then less disappointment be experienced externally and internally

subway jingle

Standing in the subway shop while listening to their jingle. "subway fills your heart while it fills your stomach" .. could that be a clogged artery... "subway sandwich fills
your soul" .. does that seem like a lot to ask of a sandwich? my soul? their tuna does emotionally satisfy me though

benefit of the doubt

Discovering an old emailed quote to a friend, "I am learning not to hate myself", startled me. The unvarnished signpost invited me to recognize my disposition to be quicker to give others the benefit of the doubt then myself. If I do not have respect for myself then who will.

positive route

A friend was teaching me how to better use my computer. She said when given a choice, take the positive route.. ie when I was attaching my resume.. the choice was open/cancel.. she said even when not ideal take the more the positive choice.. hey what good life advice

memoirs

I grabbed about ten memoirs in about ten minutes during a recent trip to the library.
While eating up each detail in each meal of a book, I thought how brave these authors are revealing their life lessons for all of us. Their bravery is educating us on how to come out of the dark and into the light by sharing how we are past-
in perfect.

Evaporated

Talking on the phone, catching myself being defensive about being defensive. I stopped myself mid-sentence by exclaiming, the magic word, evaporate, I immediately ceased the bad habit. Perhaps I have a solution to whenever I engage in harming habits .. I say evaporate and start a new

awesome

Using my net book at a gourmet market while listening to the cashiers talking among each other.. a cashier exclaimed that he was awesome and I chimed in,  that goes without saying.
He said I know, I am always telling people that my awesomeness goes without saying.

self-absorbed

Most days I feel that I am swimming in the deep end of a pool of self absorption. The problem is I can not be sure because I tend not listen to people unless they are talking about me.

resolve

I found this bit of self discovery startling.. Let me explain

I have learned that when I reduce my intake of sugar and alcohol, I find it easier to reduce
my participation in certain friendships.. this maybe common sense to you.. I had to learn this for myself

One relationship in particular.. I was always pulled to contact him.. I would tell myself
a text here, a call there will not hurt.. well it does hurt when it is one-sided and expressions of respect and appreciation are dwindling to almost non-existent.

I thought I would be even more needy because I did not have a drink or a rice krispie treat
to comfort me. it turns out the opposite is true.. perhaps less self weakening of defenses
is the reason

emotional destination

A friend was complaining about a mutual friend.. saying he was not working towards his goals.. We all have desired emotional destinations.. a healthy love relationship, less
dependent on chemicals, running a marathon.. we may not all know the route and that may delay our life travel to the proper bridge to a place of worthiness.

Our emotional map is within us.. a feeling of confidence to be ready to use our maps
may need to grow within us before we can take that first step to the right bridge.

self exposure

People in clubs talk about why they perform.. as in what is about our personalities that expose ourselves to public disapproval .. I perform stand-up and write a blog..and depending on who I talk to.. talk about everything all the time .. I find life so hard.. I had a thought that maybe my different forms of expression is similar to showing your math homework to your parents to check for errors. maybe a reader or a a listener will catch something to ease the difficulties of my life.

Thank you

Dear Readers:

I want to thank you for reading my blog. Having readers from all over the globe humbles and honours me. Whenever or however my postings provide a new perspective, enable you to learn from my mistakes or generally improve your disposition.. that would result in a healing feeling.

I would love to hear from you and any suggestions of posting subjects.

rebecca shea

daily forgiveness

I struggle almost daily to forgive myself for past mistakes. I will be going about my day
and a memory of a committed horror will be triggered. I shudder and tell myself I am not the
same person that made a particular mistake or misused an opportunity and to not let my present be defined by my poor past behavior.

I worry, that during my present, I am not using the best parts of myself because I am distracted by my past behavior.

emotional work

A friend's quote, "we are all working on something (about ourselves)",informed my whole emotional being. I need to reflect on that quote more often to be gentle and accepting of people's behavior.

My judgement is in the form of questioning.. why are they like that? who's says things like that? what am I doing to advance her/his mood?

The universal answer could be that they are human and they could be working through a particular emotional assignment.

nice

A friend asked me how I can be nice to people who are not nice to me.

This question has been a source of mind marination. Isn't the question to black and white? I choose to believe friendships are about patterns and if a negative pattern persists during the confines of a friendship then it may force a re-negotiation of the social contract.

I would not want be defined by individual comments and feel it is only fair to focus on my friend's motives then their negative verbal messages on a their bad days.

Pause,Reflect,Act

weird

This is weird:

I left a message on a friend's voicemail. I had a particular thought and was confident I had expressed my thought clearly in my message. When she asked me about my message, I was confident I was on safe ground, that she misheard, misremembered, mis-something

Well, She played the message back for me and I was stunned. a line in my message was the opposite to what I wanted to convey on the voicemail.

I am dyslexic and it comes out loud and clear when I use a pen and paper. Proofreading is a must.. I once finished a note to an ill friend, "thinking about me", instead of, "thinking about you"

Do I have verbal dyslexia.. what else have I said that did not display my true feelings?

narrow view

I am capable of reliving a hundred of my verbal blunders in merely minutes of time. Getting a note thanking me for inspiring her to face a fear planted the awareness that when only viewing my blunders, I am only observing a narrow view of myself.

Come on, it does make sense.. of all of our behavior .. our mistakes are a small part of us.. if what we focus on expands wouldn't it be smarter to focus on our
good parts.

story-telling

Making the laugh supreme, leads me to tell stories with me as the punchline. The plot-lines are frequently about rudeness being directed towards me. My friends were
finding the stories less and less amusing.. greeting the stories with silence.. some
even told me to stop telling the stories.

Their reactions brought me to the emotional place where I could take in the clarity
to realize that I was indirectly putting myself down and was indirectly giving the listener permission to violate certain boundaries. I have begun to limit the story telling.


Pause, reflect, act

choices

Holding my phone, hearing silence where disrespect was heard only seconds before, I tell myself I do not want to do this anymore... like it is a job, an unpleasant duty..

I wake myself up by reminding myself that friendships are a choice. I must practice
moving on faster... to invest less when the return is a negative dividend

emotional stretching

Going to the gym grumpy was the only way I could go to the gym. The gym felt like a Starbucks with weights and I resented both the chattiness and gleeful attitudes of the trainers.

Well I was unable to attend the gym for a week and I felt so sad. I truly missed it. Going to the gym are my best moments of my week.

Returning to the gym, my negative emotional curtain.. and that curtain was a heavy velvet.. parted
and I took in everything good about the atmosphere of the gym and gave the prayer of thank you

Invisible

I go about my daily, weekly routines not expecting to make an impression on the people I encounter. Using my computer,at Starbucks, a green aproned angel evaluated my exterior phone calls as thoughtful behavior. Feeling less invisible reinforced the powers of positive observations.

words matter.. your complement maybe the only one the receiver gets that day

Green-Aproned Angel

Clutching my fruit bowl while nearly frozen in grief over my day being minus a rice krispie
treat. A favored green-aproned angel asked how I was and my tongue transformed into a launching pad and words of my crushed emotional demeanor were the missile. He magically offered to deliver a hidden remaining rice krispie treat to my table. I insisted on waiting at the counter ... I mean why wait the minutes while he walks the length of the Starbucks...when I can wait and have it in seconds.

maybe

The instability of the last decade is being displayed in my speech. I use the words maybe and perhaps in my everyday conversations. I was just informed by "my daily
call" that I end our multiple daily conversations with "perhaps we will talk again"

The conversational change is maybe a subliminal affect of finding a close relative on the
floor in reaction to a bursting of a brain aneurysm. I see the picture of him on the floor
when my head hits the pillow at night.

We do not always know how life's randoms events will affect us. I honestly did not know I was ending
my phone calls this way until my "daily call" told me.

greatest gift

I informed my friend's mother that her son was an extremely thoughtful listener after my mother's death. She gushed that I should express that to him, I responded by telling her that I always feel the greatest gift I can give your son is to ignore him.

This theory is confirmed whenever I tell him that I will not be calling him ...
he thanks me

rice krispie treat

I often feel that living a sugar free existence is within my grasp and then days like today happen. A rice krispie treat was the only thing that could lure me out of my ghetto pad. Entering my Starbucks, armed with desire, my eyes immediately focused on the glass case. My eyes discovered that there was only one choc. chip cookie and rice krispie treat standing alone displayed under the glass. Talk about an emotional tight rope.. Standing fourth in line, holding my breath while holding my eyes on the rice
krispie treat. My choice of baked treats remained and victory was mine .. until tomorrow

wasted time

There are times when I visualize how my present behavior could negatively impact my future. This visualization is not the best use of the my focus and concentration. I must jerk myself awake by asking myself, "am I doing everything I can for myself to succeed today"? I must mold my thoughts on what I can control because the rest is wasted time.

listening

I used to visit a close relative in a residential center. We would sit in a living room with old movies playing on the T.V and surrounded by other sitting residents. Her cottage
mates would address me with beseeching eyes and news of lost belongings or of an uncomfortable fabric. My response was consistently "thank you for telling me that" or "I am glad you told me that". I would see their body and area around their mouth relax and their verbal expressions would cease.. Could it be that whatever state of mind we are in.. with our marbles or without our marbles.. we want to feel people are listening.

serenity

I am starting to be able to take in when people attack me it is not about me. I am starting to be able to pause and realize that what is being directed at me may have nothing to do with me and start a process of release. Whenever,in the past, I would try to practice this concept I would be going through the motions. Hey if a seriously ingrained obsessive thinker,me,can reinforce this belief then you can do it too..and how

Life is a daily process

not angry

I have continued to spend time with people that mistreated me because I did not want to be angry.
A childhood teaching was that when a person holds on to anger, it hurts the holder of the negative feelings. Because I misread this teaching, I would reinforce bad friendship patterns and
communications. I am now choosing to reinforce this practice from a distance as in I wish you well from a distance and not from routine contact.

dog days of summer

I am having a tough summer. A theory for my emotional unrest is that I am more focused on outer approval then inner approval. Seeking approval from the outer world can be very distracting. Pausing, reflecting and reinforcing what is good about myself,behavior or performance prior to taking in an outer evaluation will enable me to be more rooted in my private self then my public
self.

trigger place

Does this happen to you? Do you act your worst with people that you need to be a better version of yourself. I do that for a comedy show producer and I always leave feeling horrible after my encounters with him. He will inform me of upcoming shows and a snide remark will eject from my mouth. And I actually like the guy and I am sober during these exchanges. A theory is that I put him on a pedestal.. if true I would hate to know how I
would treat him if I did not like him.

20 minutes

My personal trainer paired my work-out session with the negative side-affects of excessive
drinking. I agreed with him by informing him that I was in a sober phase. He praised me and asked me the length of my sobriety. Only twenty minutes,I replied, but it has been a strong twenty minutes.

singing to ouselves

I was sitting in the car, looking through the window and listening to love songs from the 1970s. While I was listening to the songs, I thought instead of singing the song to a desired lover, sing it to myself. The key lyrics for this exercise
are: "I love you more today, then yesterday but not as much as tomorrow"

We must love ourselves first.

desire

Standing in the middle of the cinema lobby holding my phone. Wanting to shut out the world and shake up my daily communication I lost my phone that night, no phone, no phone numbers.... Was the universe listening?

j.lo

Jennifer Lopez is quoted, in reaction, to her divorce: I loved myself enough to walk away:

Let's love ourselves enough to walk away from everyone that does not reinforce our inner and outer beauty. Let's love ourselves enough to walk away from people that mock,ridicule and abuses us. Let's love ourselves enough to walk away from people that do not treat us like the king and queen that we are.. Let's love ourselves enough to walk away from people that do not make us feel good about ourselves. Let's love ourselves enough to walk away from people that are not interested enough to return our calls or reach out to us

It is time to put on our running shoes

complimenting ourselves

We must praise ourselves each day, starting with one complement and increase the complements over time . It is to easy to tread water in a sea of negativity and if we do not root for ourselves who will?

daily dialogue

My daily calls with a real estate agent friend have ended with the below dialogue:

Friend:(sounding like a cough)I wore out my voice from being on the phone

Me: okay, you do not need to talk, I will do all the talking

Friend: okay

Me: Okay, okay ,So, this is it, okay, so, alright,okay, I think I accidentally offended the African American bank teller by telling her she looked like an actress from roots, I got a pedicure from the "Korean" salon, I get embarrassed with the condition of my feet but then I remember they may come from a wartorn country with killing fields and then I feel less embarrassed. I did not eat today and then I ate and now I fell really uncomfortable. maybe it is better just not to eat, Avie refuses to call me, that relationship is to hard, it is to painful I do not want to do it
anymore, I don't know,I don't know, I don't know

Why aren't you answering me? I find it really annoying, I mean I really hate it when people do not answer people.

Friend: You said I did not have to talk

Me: Oh yeah, nevermind

painting by numbers

I am ready to surrender hope that I behaved differently during my past. The problem is I am not quite sure how to do it. My plan is to view my past as a paint by numbers set and repaint a number at a time. I, really, only think of my past behavior and not how people have treated me in the past. Perhaps one of my numbers should be having the same empathy for myself as I do for members from my past.

for today

I have been spending my present focused on my past. The preoccupation of the bad memories consumes me with feelings of
powerlessness
because I do not know how it starts or stops. Resulting in being wrapped in fear that my fifties will be colored with certain thoughts instead of traveling through Greece. (note to self: overthink much?)
Bravehearts reminded me to take it one day at a time..I know there will be days when I will be taking it one minute at a time.

For today, I am grateful to have beloveds that keep me on the right track

life is a daily process

unprepared

I over thought and over communicated on the behalf of others for most of my life. I never wanted people to be caught off guard,surprised
or unprepared. While I was preparing others, I was not preparing myself for life's surprises. My poor planning nearly left me homeless and penniless. Putting yourself first is not selfish, it is survival.

emotional work-out

The same day I joined a gym, I discovered that a person from my past was a member. A man that rejected me twice. Even though I was rejected twice, I continued to pursue him. Anxiety and shame are framing my outlook regarding seeing him. I must use this as an opportunity to forgive myself for past social behaviors.

trade-off

I participate in two friendships that are less then ideal. There is a price to these relationships and I choose to pay them. I know that they will not change their price of unreliability..so right now I am sticking with my decision to take in what they have to offer.

Being a Power Source

what I want to impart, on you, is not to be distracted by how people react to you. Life becomes more clear and less of nervous behaviors. And when you fail, you will fail on your terms. There is an undiluted affirming energy that you will send out to the world. Do you not want to be the sender of that powerful energy? Just think of the freedom and the results you will garner. To be such a power source is my life's work.

brain tickler

When is quitting a process giving up or moving on? My brain is tickled by this question. While I introduce myself to the explanation of my not being a good fit to certain life roles, the nagging question always remains. Am I giving in because I am not reaching a level of success as easily and quickly as I expected. Maybe I will never know, maybe I need to wait until my nagging questions have ceased.

glide

Body-surfing the ways life is unpredictable forces me to glide on the clear tranquil ripples that life gives us... a friendly text message, a successful work day, not being overdrawn at the bank..we all have our idea of a good life moment..let's savor as we smoothly glide over them

token in my slot

I was asked out by a city bus driver. A certain question chipped away at my usual reluctance to social interaction...when he puts his token
in a girl's slot , does he ask "all in"?

bubbles

Another day, another eternal flood of soda. Drinking soda has grown from a rationed emotional nectar to my soul comfort. The sugar adding air to my ballooning stomach while bubbles of anxiety float over my ability to sleep. I choose to believe awareness and desire will
quench my thirst for my over-flow of soda cravings.

emotional tool kit

We all have an emotional survival kits. A tool I have decided to add to my kit is the mantra, " I also bring something to the table". The preceding phrase is both simple and empowering..I will select this tool of empowerment for discussions with clients or for any other imtimidating situations. We are worthy of using all tools that are available to us for our best life.

not ready

I wanted to bring two friends of mine together. I thought I asked all the right questions and conducted all the vital research. They came together and had unmistakable chemistry. The one question I did not think to ask, do you feel worthy of being treated properly.

labels

A friend informed me my choice of response was passive aggressive. I was not aware of a specific motive or agenda when participating in my dialogue with him. While I welcome my friends to express feelings of discomfort with my behavior, I may not always welcome my behavior to be classified or labeled.

personality blueprint

A male friend re-entered my life. Even though their backgrounds and surface qualities are diverse, my friend has a striking similarity to my father..I mean down to the same morning routine and phrasing. The identification has placed me at an emotional crossroads. Do I maintain a relationship with a built in answer key or spread my wings with a completely new type of friend? time will reveal the answer

marketting for power

I am standing in the check-out line while holding chicken. I eat a stunning amount of chicken but that is another story. While claiming my protein of the evening, I have begun to claim a more advanced place in line...simply by asking to go ahead of any shopper with a fuller cart
Enter the market for chicken. Exit with empowerment

funk

This happens in the summer::
I get into a funk, reliving human discomfort both by my hands and others. I believe it is okay to feel all ways negative, it is not to blame anyone for my emotional swamp.
I am not a lone in feeling this way, I am open to read your solutions.

wrong focus

Sitting in a darkened cinema, absorbed by my escort. Showing my investment by whispering in his ear that he is better looking then the featured actor while caressing his thigh. Reversing the focus onto me was the reaction to realizing my admiration was not returned.

blindly

I used to blindly engage in dialogues of all lengths and forms, returning calls,texts and emails to people that were not a good fit for my tribe. It is now the time to pause and declare it was their decision to contact me and it is my decision whether to reinforce it.

bacon

The band was playing, I was cutting a mean rug. Got a ride from a boy in the crowd. Awoken by a girlfriend asking if I got lucky. Aww,yeah, he treated me to bacon and eggs.

going out

There are those moments, right before getting into the shower to get ready to go out when you start to talk yourself out of it. staying in saves money, dress may not fit, are those the right shoes? Extracting the splinters of doubt, I got ready and left my apartment. It turned out to be one of the most pivotal nights of my life. Leaving home can change your life.

unconditional

A friend called me tonight and I confessed all the ways I feel awkward. She did not try to change my feelings, give me advice or tell me I was wrong. We laughed and affirmed how life can be. And you know,it felt really good.

wynton marsalis

I want to pass this quote on to you:

If you are not making mistakes, then you are not learning, by Wynton Marsalis

what is your favorite quote? let's start a chain

switch

A pet siting period is coming to an end. I have never felt such a strong bond, our communication is completely in sinc. Wishing my canine
companion could transform into a male companion weaves my days.

spotlight

A male friend and I went to dinner with the specific mission to put each other first with listening without judgement. We both came away with full stomachs and a feeling that the spotlights were on us. Listening without judgement is always a friendship formula with wattage

boomerang

selecting and reflecting on the words I use to describe myself, I edit the negative self descriptions. Self reflections are a boomerang for how we are treated...it is our power to be treated with respect.

secrets

Being called a chatter-box has left a mark. Friends and co-workers are informing me that I withhold information within the confines of conversations. The former moniker has limited my volunteering of information. Really the bottom line is I am not confident in the deducing of what is pertinent to the discussion. Trying to be more in tune with my dialogue partner could be a a start.

Life is a daily process

pillow talk

Paying attention to how I talk to myself when my head hits the pillow, when words are negative I reverse them to positive. The required alertness is not always easy. Fear that negative self talk will block feeling truly comfortable in my own skin is my motivation.

yoko ono

When Yoko Ono was asked about her relationship with John Lennon, she said being fearless in love and recognizing an entitlement to be
loved fully and properly will enable everyone to have the similiar love I had.

The more fearless we become in all areas of our lives,the better our lives become

emotional vessel

I can be a vessel for other people's negative moods.When consumed with physical tension that is the root of borrowed angst, I tell myself that
the transmitter is acting human..just as we all are..and it calms me

cleavage

I wore a summer t-shirt that happen to feature my cleavage. Gulp. I have mixed emotions about my breasts. There is many a day when I want the breasts to be as out and proud as elton john and other days, I wonder if my lacy bra is mocking them. Life is be taken one cup at a
time.

our narritives

We all have narratives or emotional time lines. These self-narratives manifest themselves in how we represent ourselves,primarily, in how we speak and decide what we deserve. Observing and respecting other's narratives has speared me to reshape my narrative.
I am confident that what I can let go will loosen me up from my head to my feet.

good avoidance

I called a friend. He revealed that he had been avoiding me because he had missed my performance, his in attendance did not leave a mark. We must operate under false perceptions among our friends about the affects of our behavior all the time. Practicing a good type
of avoidance is to touch base with friends to avoid (false) misunderstandings.

animal love

Leaving an awful work situation, I decided to be a pet sitter. This decision proved to be a defining moment. Pet's resting their heads on my leg, their jumping up and down to greet me, the contentment that comes from not having an emotional want. I emerge more healed whenever my pet visits come to an end.

2nd chance

Blind-date rescheduled, no folk songs for me. Seeking a grand opportunity to re-evaluate cosmetic to emotional presentation.
Thinking about self presentation is self-education and we all need that whether he calls or not.

questioning

Turning to a friend in confusion, I was consoled with questions substituting for advice. Pausing and asking me "what do you want to do"?,
"what are you feeling or thinking"? without requiring answers is a significant gift of self awareness and act of friendship.

bloom

Big sweeping changes are not required to become better at ourselves. Blooming happens a petal at a time.

uneven

There is a boy I adore, the feelings appear to be uneven. It is a friendship that can give more pressure then pleasure. I am not ready to make a choice, feelings are expected to fade.

lucky

A disabled relative ends my phone calls (with him) declaring us lucky. My mystified reaction morphed into the affirmation that good fortune can be found in all life positions.

defining moments

Being at a crossroads, I am indexing my defining moments. Identifying the moments
creates an emotional timeline and enables fertility for desired future defining moments.

sexual helen keller

Witnessing a new friend grab other male patron's organs through their pants at a local haunt lead me to wonder if she was a sexual Helen Keller

closets

I revealed a secret(about myself) to my core group of my friends. The news that was expected to submerge me in embarrassment submerged me in complete acceptance.

Emerging from the door-frame of my emotional closet gave me a sense of peace,love and light that I had never experienced in friendship. The quality of my friendships are certainly more real and rich.

We all have emotional closets, walk-in to tiny-tiny. we all deserve to experience the peace,love and light that comes when crossing a threshold to your new life.

self-cheerlead

I was not happy with a past comedic performance and told friends that were not in attendance my bad review. smarter for me to be my own cheerleader,plant positive messages and watch them bloom.

friendship wrapping

I am guilty of being swept up in a person's wrapping, an easy laugh, complimentary, an over-all light disposition. Pulling away the wrapping to look inside the box can lead to the discovery that the gift of the friendship does not always match the beauty of the wrapping.

perspective

A beloved reported to me that he was getting,for a week, multiple letters from me a day. I immediately went to my "oh jeez" place... oh jeez, overload, oh jeez, not practicing less is more, oh jeez, showing signs of mental illness.

Clearing away the brush of negative thoughts, I realized my letters are acts of love and postal well wishes.. there is certainly nothing wrong with that

perspective is vital in how a life is charted

fine

Some mornings, I must decide that I will feel fine. The decision is a route to looking
to the better parts of my day and more accepting of the bad parts of my day. My mood frequently progresses from listless to a place of well-being as my day progresses into night.

fixer-not!

I must listen to my friends and not try to prevent their sadness,loneliness or any natural negative human feeling.While telling my friends that I am sorry for their hurt is a frequent self-expression, I do slip into a fixer mode and try to block their true feelings. Really,
ultimately, I am blocking their authenticity and that is not going to fix anything.

set-up

I set myself up for failure in certain areas of my life. I do not not only rob myself of a positive result, I also rob myself of knowing that I did all I could do to garner a positive result. Failing after doing your best can elicit a peace of mind. Failing when not doing your
best may always leave wonder.

life signs

Standing in my present, examining my past for signs of travel to my best and worst emotional destinations. Self-awareness is crucial in forming your best future.. my daily behavior creates my foundation for my future behavior

life is a daily process

cab driver

Slipping into a dark backseat while requesting the destination to the cabdriver. He reported that he had a photographic memory and I had ridden in his cab on five separate
occasions.. I could tell he wanted to photo shop me a little

changes

Conflicting between my former self and current self. Realizing that change happens, like a dog sheds it's fur, in increments has erased my conflict.Displaying behavior of desired new self will enable a smoother,quicker implementation of self-change.

victories

I would cultivate,during decades of yesteryear,my memory to keep track of other's victories. It was very effective in elevating their moods. I no longer want to track other's victories..only mine

emotional transfer

Looking like Kathy Bates in "misery",the bus driver told me I looked good. huh? what? I asked in comparison to the super duper homeless
people that ride his bus? It occurred to me I was debating a compliment with a bus driver..perhaps a needed reality check for the status of my self esteem?

concentrated wish

Standing in the kitchen, I made an internal wish enclosed in complete concentration. "I want to be missed" was a wish that was released from my being and spirit of whole and I never returned to the emotional request. The quiet act garnered a fascinating ripple affect. Clients,friends and acquaintances have sought me out via phone,both snail and email. People that I have not heard from in years returned to my life to ask about my life. I just wonder

emotional V8

Hearing computer keyboard keys in the background of potential blind-date, slipping out of my mouth, "oh you can answer emails when you are on the phone". Oh jeez!, I just told him it is okay to divert his attention from me.

accidental racist

I am Rebecca S. and I have a confession to make: I am an accidental racist. Thinking I was telling the denny's (black) host that he was hansome, I awkwardly discovered that calling a person a "prince of darkness" is actually the same as calling a person satan. I quickly cancelled my order for fried chicken.

life's perfection

Submerged in the heartbreaks of life...Fearing not to find the right train to transport away from a one track mind. Discovery comes when engaged in daily life the happening of transportation. Moving on a moment of life's perfection.

lazy susan

Sharing a couch and dating stories with one of my band of brothers. Crinkled hope and his crinkled face served as the perfect background to the expression of his desire for a life partner. Wanting what he wanted for himself, I offered to be his flygirl and tell all the girls that it was his idea to put the swivel in the lazy susan.

frozen time

Purposely putting myself down to a particular friend, wanting him to tell me I was good when I said I was bad,instead, responded with frozen scooped out portions of time. Feeling empty where approval was scheduled. He released me of my behavior pattern by informing me that the motive of his silence was to discourage this specific form of communication. Silence can be golden

personal touch

A friend describes getting my notes as getting a touch of Rebecca via the US mail. I reunited with note-writing to lend support in a gentle way during friend's difficult periods. Resulting in an extraordinary return of love and appreciation. Touch your friends with a few written words and see the reaction you will get.

fear

Sitting in a dark club, nearly tearful with fear. Seeking the intrinsic chance of becoming more empowered by standing out from the crowd. Surrendering chance invokes more fear. Creating joy by facing fear, inner reaction more important then outer reaction. What fear can you face?

jewish mathlete

I met a woman friend for lunch. A type of woman that appears completely comfortable in her skin, sitting in a black cotton tank and beige
pants while clutching an Italian language textbook. She looked directly into my eyes and asked me about my summer plans. I responded
quickly, "oh just looking for the Jewish mathlete of my dreams"..without missing a beat she asked, "Does he have to be Jewish"?

mascara

The mothers of my friends direct me into hallways and whatever corners our mutual meeting place has to offer, taking a stance and tone that would indicate the potential imparting of the wisdom of Buddha. The words whispered to me are,instead, that I could be married if I would make a friend of mascara. Using a specific singular cosmetic could change the trajectory of my life, perhaps I should be grateful for such a simple solution.

who are your friends?

Having productive friends makes me more productive. Their consistent ability to move forward inspires me to search for ways I can be better and go after what I want. The questioning of my focus and timeline on my creation of milestones is the perfect engine to put me on track. going from laid back friends to highly functioning friends has been transformative. I am grateful everyday for them and their drive.

band of brothers

I am nurtured by a group of male friends and I refer to them as my band of brothers.
A brother escorted me to a party. Standing on the porch, He turned to me and said
"You are going to be the most interesting person at the party" And you know, I believed him.

cycles

I have more emotional cycles then Lance Armstrong. My mind pedals on the wind of desire to be different. When will I change? What can
I do to instill change are a daily breeze. The true change that will be the answer to the other changes is for me to ride the wave and while riding the wave, taking in the natural beauty.

odd expression

"Alright, keep your pants on", is routinely uttered from my mouth. I have frequently thought of it as an odd expression. Is it an often occurrence for a person to remove their pants when impatient?

knish

People frequently think I am an east coast Jewish person, perhaps because I can be had for a knish.
Masol tov

emotional detours

Whatever the shape or length of my emotional detour, I would condemn myself for not adjusting within a randomly selected period of time. My parent's dementia to an ending of a friendship, I would tell myself that I should be in the acceptance phase by now. Who says?
This my first time going through certain types of terrain. I may never accept it and that is okay.

a gay intervention

I was called to meet my friends at a local happy hour. Isn't that always how it starts? Securely seated, I quickly discovered that my friend's frustration with my selection of accessories would be served with the drinks. Yelping that they plainly could not take one more moment of my string pearls in their eye line. Simply put my trifecta pearl display of ring,bangle and necklace needed a serious vacay. Beseeching them to understand that it was all in the name of elongating my torso, which is what was asked of me? The defense could not be swallowed with the drinks,they spit out the words, the necklace is not long enough to elongate.

Easter

Viewing Easter as an opportunity for rebirth and a time of renewal. Prompting an emotional and a physical inventory. Questioning what
qualities to keep and surrender as I spring forward into the remainder of the year and life.

considering the source

Who to listen to is not always an easy choice. A viable evaluating process is to take
a moment and reflect on the communication history of the speaker. An inner voice beckoning my attention with a "hey you, this does not feel right" is the emotional version of the red button popping up on a finished turkey, just as the turkey is done
so is your evaluation process.

bragging

Brag about yourself. Promote yourself. We have earned the right to discuss confidently
what we like best about ourselves. Comedy club producers will ask me how I want to be
introduced and this has proven to be a grand exercise in taking in and owning my accomplishments. Crystallizing a more balanced self view.
How would you like be introduced?

journal

Thoughts swallowing my concentration. Selecting the wrong ear could darken feelings of anxiety, disappointment and defeat. Depositing my feelings of fear on the blank pages of my journal restores my concentration and enables me to do today what will best form my future.

balance

It is so easy to only take in the negative remarks said about us. Taking in the more positive remarks are a more important mode of
emotional engagement. What if what we focus on expands? Do you want to be wrong?

zeroing in

Reasons to be happy are not taking hold. Avoiding drowning in powerlessness, zeroing in on what I can control. The hanging of clothes..
Contributing more healthy foods to my body. Performing less acts to reinforce negative relationships. Helping myself in smaller ways
to build a pathway to help myself in a larger way.

tears

Brushing on empty. verging on crying, yet the tears will not come. Visualize the volume and speed of the saltwater breaking down a dam.
The unrestricted flow will remove my emotional build-up and I will be able to start a new. I could be starting to get close, my dam is wearing away more each day.

in the moment

Seeking clarity on friend's feelings behind their coments requires a being in the moment. Taking a moment to exchange your reaction and the motivation of the speaker will prevent misunderstandings and a waste of focus. A focus that could be better spent
on you.

lipstick

Standing in a pocket of quiet, a beloved turned to me to compliment the color of my lipstick. Watching her tense body language as
her carefully chosen words floated into the air, "not that your other lipstick does not look good on you, it is only that this color may look
a little prettier on you". I took in her struggle for the right words and labored facial expression as the perfect illustration of how my not being at peace regarding certain areas of my life can affect my life partners. My heart completely went out to her.

code red

recruiting my friends to catch me in certain negative defining behaviors by requesting that they declare "code red" whenever I put myself down in subtle and overt ways. If I was ready to make a behavioral change, would I need a "code red" declared?

snowflakes

The teachings and vocabulary of our parents created a molding imprint on our beings. This imprint is how we are unique and that is what
makes us snowflakes. We can either question our parent's methods of teaching or celebrate how the lessons make us stand out from the
crowd. I choose to celebrate how I am a snowflake.

messages

Does this happen to you? A note, an email or phone call will posses perfect timing and an affirmation of your authentic self.Tonight I spent
the evening wondering my life's direction,when I received two emails reinforcing my life's track.
It seems random. Getting messages from infrequent co responders. Is it? or Is it the universe creating balance and using people
as messengers to encourage us to keep at it, we are on the right road, we are on our way.

marital noah's ark

Singularly crossing the thresh hold of an annual party invoked the attention of a self-thought to be good-doing former girl scout leader.
Cornered, empty handed of the social lubricant of a martini,the former leader tried to lead me to my needed awareness that I should be attending parties with a man and not alone. Surveying the room and observing a guest list that could double as a marital Noah's ark splashed me with sadness , thinking of the interesting single men and women that stay home because they may think they would considered more valuable in a pair.

wake-up call

A relative used the method of yelling to wake me up in my formative years. Growing from teen-ager to an adult I would hear the morning insults replayed in my head. A realization rose in my mind as the sun rose, I did not have a choice in experiencing the first
wake-up call. I do have a choice in re-experiencing it..if only in my head

one foot in front of the other

Walking with a friend helped me walk through a crisis. She exercised my brain with life changing observations while we exercised our bodies. The expectation of the nearly nightly walk gave me a point of calm during my hardest of days. Putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time gently became the metafor for my life. I do not need to know what will be on my life's path, I just need to know how to keep
moving forward.

reversing the fortune

Reporting to a dear friend: he says I am a safe place, I fill him with complements, I make him feel good about himself .The words twirled on my tongue while my brain twirled with a sense of being okay because I was viewed not as a source of hurt,pain or conflict. Yeah, but he is mean to you responded my life advisor. Relationships are not always about how well you treat your friends, it also about how well you are treated.

emotional candid

I rolled out of bed, threw on black threads and my pink Lauren hat. A friend had a 5:30 am t.v segment. I went to watch and tell him what he did right. Pictures were
taken of the two of us discussing presentation. Pictures were attached to an email
coloring me as a passionately engaged life coach. Challenging myself to replace my
negative view with his view, all my strengths rotated in my head like a Rolodex.

Howard Rourk

What do you do when you find a life situation hard to navigate? I turn to my favorite
literary character, Howard Rourk from fountainhead, and instantly know what to do.
You know what? He is never wrong.

taking compliments

Taking in complements is not a sign of entitlement. It is a sign of a realistic view of ourselves. always a good place to be

Iphone

A relative was pestering me to get the latest IPhone. Responding that buying the phone was self-indulgent, he said exactly.

Words of my Father

My Father would always tell me that people need to maintain certain beliefs. I do. I need to believe that I will be better at living each day. I need to believe that I will
put myself down less each day. I need to believe that I will take breaths each day before I make decisions. I need to believe that I am carving a desired future life during my everyday life.

I also need to believe that when I hand the cashier my debit card, I will stop reporting that I do not have cash for amounts less then 10 dollars.

throw away coments

I would be surprised by the number times that I put myself down in an off-handed way. so dumb, pathetic, ditsy, ridiculous, I tell myself
that it is okay because they are just throw away comments. Words that come from my mouth represent me and chip away at my self profile
and that is never okay. Throw away comments need to be thrown away, one self abusive line at a time.

We can do this.

Life is a daily process.

holding hands

Gushing to a friend, he held my hand. He was the one that took my hand. He wanted to hold my hand. Taking in the story, my friend said
it is not about whether he wanted to hold your hand, it is about whether you wanted your hand held by his hand. He blew my mind.
Think about how the above question applies to other aspects of our lives.
Perspective shifting

Life is a daily process

taking a breath

Take a breath before reacting, decision-making, movement. Taking a breath enables us to take in how we are reacting, what we are deciding and how we are moving. radically simple yet taking a moment will be the plume of the most powerful ripple affect of our lives.
Do we not ALL deserve a moment?

lake tahoe

Lake Tahoe vacation coming to an end. Walking with my father through barely a sunlit casino to catch a wee hours of the morning shuttle to the airport. spotting a lone man at a slot machine, I turned to my dad and said "I could never have an addiction that I would have to get
up early for"

assuming

Liberate from assumption. Liberate from reacting to non-verbal messages. A daily reduction of defensiveness, anxiety and distraction
occurs when responding to what the speaker says not to what we think is being said. A freedom in not drawing conclusions,  thinking
"I do not know" is a freedom that affects how we move in the world.

Life is a daily process

slow to react

Hearing the heartbreaks of others, I am quick to wonder,question and advise. Wanting to appear caring,engaged and focused on the speaker. Slow to say I am sorry this happened..is happening to you. Isn't that the focus you would want? It is for me.

Life is a daily process

"I know" people

"I know" people are everywhere. They nod knowingly and respond in tandem with the end of ALL our verbal messages with "I Know".
There were many times I wanted to sarcastically, mockingly say "REALLY"? Until I finally got it in my bones and brain that they say "I know"
because there is part of themselves that they do not feel they know, resulting in the coating of nervous energy. Wishing them peace more
then I wish to be sarcastic lessens my nervous energy.

Life is a daily process

!!!!

I want to flee from each exclamation point that I see littered on social websites.
I admit it, I do not get why all postings require an exclamation point. eating chicken and giving birth both invoke the same level of alacrity? Really?

frequency of use of label, devalues the label

childhood roles

vigilance is required to not slip into our childhood roles as adults. Being with new people and in a new city time traveled me directly back to my childhood roles of being a fixer,arranger, conductor of the emotional atmosphere. The reversal of behavior was most evident when I was selecting groceries to purchase for the weekend. Filling the air with verbal "have tos" while filling the cart.

Decision making is in the moments. Life is a daily process.

who we are

Whispering to a friend during a dress selecting mission, "I have badly scarred legs"
and he said "it is a part of who you are". Hearing this completely wiped away all my bad feelings regarding my scars. I have freedom from feeling the hot dread,regret and
awkwardness whenever I touch or display my legs.

The exchanged words among friends can lead to a lifelong gift.

keepin company with a zine rack

Fighting loneliness at a drugstore magazine rack. Wondering how long I can stand being
comforted by magazines with out attracting attention. A series of minutes lays in front of me in the form of a muted mirage to be faced. Loneliness erodes judgement leading to consuming bad foods and people. Struggling not to give in, life is a daily process.

silent connection

I sat with a friend while she was sick. The more she threw-up, the more I talked.
Offers, well wishes and consolation flowed out of my mouth. Holding her hair and the
stopping of my mouth was what she needed.

Silent simple acts are the most healing. a smile, a postcard, sharing nature in quiet

elimination diet

Leaving my phone on the bus transported me to freedom from certain individuals in my life. Being a social barnacle lends to a sleepwalking in relationships.

What about conducting an elimination diet for the non-essential people in our lives?
It is awakening how many of the "have to" people can be placed on the eliminated
diet list.

Making mental and journal notes when not associating with a member of the list can be
an excellent contemplative measure.

Don't we all have people in our lives that leaves us feeling bad when exiting their company? Eliminate them, we all deserve better.

one-liners.. your daily chuckle

The following comedic one-liners have either happened, I or a friend has said them
to me

Travel-
Getting security's double pat-down is the main reason I travel

Dreams-

To vacation at a hospice, where I can stay in bed and be praised for following a penlight with my eyes


Looks-

plastic surgery has been recommended to me over the phone ( She had not seen me)
I would be married if I would make a friend of mascara
leave my eye line until you get your eyebrows waxed ( a gay friend of course)

Helen Keller

Would a new floor plan be a life adventure for her?
I wonder if she has a high electric bill

Parents/Family
While my mum was on morphine, Flack's "killing me softly" played in background
While my father was in a coma, I greeted him by telling him not to get up.
My family gave me a Toyota for my birthday.. was told not to get brakes checked

Tired
I laid on the couch as if to be fitted for a coffin
The only way I could rise from bed was with a Crane

Gay Friends
My friend finds a speedo to be modest
My friend wore his thong for his DVM photo
I have yet to be forgiven for not being able to fold a napkin properly

Dating
When shown his penis, for the first time, I exclaimed "I accept you"

complimenting

I approached a Florida Representative in the Baltimore airport and complemented her.
(a tip: Baltimore airport is a good airport to run into network people and politicians)
She cried. Do we hold back our positive feelings about each other?

calgon

Putting ourselves first is frequently seen as a "calgon, take me away" moment, it is a daily training of a muscle. Taking a breath before blindly reacting to a situation. Ingesting less caffeine on a particular day. When running late, not letting the person go in front of you in line.

Making an overnight change may not be realistic, changing a daily, weekly decision is

a girlschool crush

Certain high school crushes do not expire upon entry into adulthood. This type of
lifestyle crush is probably a vocation of one your girlfriends. She maintains his
likes and dislikes like she maintains her medical records. Her ultimate complement
would be to hear from the crush how engaged she was instead he told her he would prefer she be a leader, not a follower.

daily performance

Putting yourself first in life is learning to put yourself first daily. It is learning how to get off the phone first, answer questions directly when asked what you want,and all the seemingly small questions that can create a emotional domino affect that may lead to you sabotaging your day's plan and that is not putting yourself first.

airport

Airport was once a symbol of mobility and now it is now a symbol of empitness. While I stand in the security line, I perform an emotional scavenge hunt for what could be triggering this permeating feeling. Are the older people respresenting my fear of the future? My eyes finally rested on a passenger that was a point of arrival to clarity, a person in a wheelchair. Remembering that I am lucky for who I am and what I have,gave me an emotionally safe landing.

comedy fiesta

I am entertaining America one Mexican restaurant at a time. Following a 3 dollar margarita has always been my dream. Laughter is the prize in the pinata and my jokes
are the big stick. The happy surprise is one of the best places for an open mic night is a Mexican food restaurant because of it's informal atmosphere. Being among amigos
makes me feel okay to be awkward on stage.. after all life is awkward

spelling

Correct spelling is a serious turn on for me, so is my dinner date asking the waiter
to fill my water glass but that is for another posting. A particular male friend is often recruited to recite the proper spelling of words day or night, hearing the letters that form the requested words is more then a sweet nothing, it is a purely
sweet something.

Do you know someone I can call for grammar?

like mother like daughter

Waking up, terrified because I did not know where I was, has granted me a heart wrenching
unity with my mother. A renewed clarity of my mother's experience as a person living with dementia struck me when I awoke in the darkness prior to sunset frozen in fear
because I had absolutely no idea where I was and I was in my own bed in my own apartment.
My body's system was void of alcohol and drugs while my memory was void. Even though I was lucky to regain my senses within a fifteen second period, it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Also are the two occurrences of memory frozen wake-ups foreshadowing of what is to come
or life experience to create a sense of empathy that I wish I had when my mum was still
alive?

busted

A Crisis of confidence sent me on a beeline to the Walgreen's fridge to covet a chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich. Unwrapping the dairy treat, my pupils selected a time magazine. While my brain was digesting our political environment,
my stomach was digesting my mood stabilizer, a godlike voice permeated my atmosphere.

Announcing "security walk the floor" was the perfect motivation for me to scurry to
the register to get my wrapper scanned and properly acquired.

Would I have to do my time in Wisconsin?

40s

I love my forties. Realizations are an alarm clock to wake to action after sleepwalking through life. A decade with less fear and shame promotes more self
acceptance. Resulting in an open mind to break out of our walls of self perception
in creation of a magical domino effect of human behavior that leads to a magnificent self discovery. The finding of additional talents when we say yes to more experiences and no to our fear.

reduntant

Isn't the event name "gay rodeo" redundant?

quiet time

Overlooking a tranquil blue lake, A deck was the perfect location to share dinner
with an old friend. Concluding a meal that was more of an exchange of vegetables then
words, he turned to me and declared a need for quiet time. I asked him if he wanted
to talk about it.

unwritten contracts

Relationships are based on unwritten contracts. The contracts are based on expecting
a continuation of behavior that started with your relationship. Friends prove
their worthiness of a placement in your life when they are open to renegotiate contract
of expectations as lifestyles change.

daily contact

Avoiding dependence on engaging in a daily dialogue is tricky and now there are additional portals of communication to engage in the
daily conversations. Being less available and responsive guards against the rug from being pulled out from under you when lifestyles and energies shift and the calls stop. It is merciful when the daily contact gradually reduces and a weening can take place.

My nightly call asked how my daily e-mail was and I informed him that it was becoming less frequent. His response was well you
do not expect him keep emailing you, do you? Why not?

my starbucks boyfriend

Our brewmance started over a laptop lit table, I looked out under my
pink brim and informed my table neighbor that he was simply gorgeous. He responded simply with simple is good and yes it is.
The past two weeks have gifted me with conversation with my coffee- klatch companion and he rises, like the lemon bread in the bakery case, from his seat whenever I enter the corporate community.

helen keller

Helen Keller may have said that life should be a daring adventure or nothing at all. She was deaf,blind and mute. Wouldn't a new
floor plan be a daring adventure for her?

leading actor

Life is more like a movie then we realize, are you the lead in your own life? Being more of a writer of my dialogue and a director of behavior that will put me in scenes of my life dream has put me
closer to stepping into starring position.

Days are sprinkled with opportunities to bring us on point for
for our dreams, perhaps the journey will lead to a bigger dream then
planned.

death

Death can be one of the best things for our image. The minute my mother died, all negative milestones were erased from memory and an only positive emotional timeline remains in my heart and head.Exercising the golden rule, upon my death, I would like my negative behavior to be pruned from my image.

life tool

Asking myself if what I desire is a need or a want has been a most effective life
tool. The question has weeded out spending, poor food selection and certain people.

I am floored to report the positive results of this self-question because I use to find instant gratification to slow and was confident that a premature ejaculator would be my perfect lover.

What simple questions have been effective for you?

sexual encounter

The sexual encounter became touch and go when a fluffer had to be recruited.I concluded the evening glowing because while he was pleasuring me, the placement
of my extra set of apartment keys came to me.

wrong words

The nucleus of my mortification fertilized by my failure on stage
was that I was not using my intended routines. crude words would splat on the room's atmosphere like a fly on a windshield. Crude
was a direct contradiction to my desired image of being clever and witty.

Clever,smart segments were born from my brain and then I do not know why.. perhaps because of nervousness.. forceful wording would
replace my planned subtle words.

I was scared. the more time I spent on stage, nervousness is supposed to lessen. I was afraid I would not be able to fail on my own terms because the words being carried by the mic did not truly represent me. To add to the horror, I am embarrassed that certain
friends viewed it and that they will not see my improved version.
Well I guess that is the way the cookie crumbles, hopefully they will return to be in the audience.

cockiness

standing in a dark corner,rehearsing my lines while flirting with the possibility of a laughter graveyard looming in my future. A girl sprung from the darkness to inform me that she was also performing and that I did not need to rehearse my lines. She bombed and I did not. Laughter can be elusive and I do not want my poor performances to be a reason for humiliation. Poor performances are watering my blossoming attitude of gratitude for the approving audiences and I do not want to ever take the approval of an audience for granted.

coin purse

The weight of my coin purse stuns me, the heaviness creeps up on me. feeling as though only my debit card emerges from my wallet is at the root of my befuddlement.

the right girl

Laying in bed on Valentine's day night, the insight, "it did not did come from the right girl", hit me like a brick. Sending cards and packages to my male friends may not wash away their sadness because it is not coming from the right girl and the right girl is in the eye of beholder. Me not being the right girl does not lessen my perfection, do not get me started on how I exhibit my perfection, baby!

The insight left me feeling lighter and looser. I love nailing it with a selection that hits the spot that I can uniquely reach yet it not coming from the right girl only awards me with honorable mention and that has given me permission to stop befriending the UPS
man.
Hey male friends- if I am wrong, start showing more appreciation for your female friends, you never know when the cards and gifts will stop.

Starbuck's Music

Bobbing my skull accompanied by my fingers dancing on my keyboard to Starbucks soundtrack paints me with such joy. A rare Starbucks musical void devoured my concentration and sort of freaked me out and my writing came to a blunt stop.

Responding to a beloved's suggestion of the reinforcement of marketing's programming, " maybe, or I could just like the music"

gas rainbow

Coming a live in a dive after a series of catatonic performances gave me the eternal beauty of a gasoline rainbow. Generating word pictures that invoke laughter has created the best moments of my life.

Label me fascinated by the varied demographic that high fived me after my performance. A black dude took my hand, the feeling of being swallowed up by the large warmth of his hand will not flee my memory anytime soon.

high/low

I posses a high level of neediness, yet luckily my standards for
combating the neediness are low. Seeing the word approval on the
debit card monitor renders a sweet smile because it may be the only
message of approval I get that day. So soak it up! Baby!

Completing a blog entry without misspelled words, makes my spirit
float like a large birthday balloon on a neon ribbon.

I am so lucky that my quarry of neediness can be filled with pebbles and not boulders.

black-outs

I treat each stand-up performance like a 4Th grade book report, I always want to feel prepared and rehearsed. Well it would not help
me, because my delivery looked and sounded morphine laced. Chunks
would be left out of my introductory stories and only my punchline would be submitted. It was a grim let-down, like ordering won ton soup and it arriving table side sans won tons.

Explaining my struggling spirit to a woman friend, she said "Oh, I thought I was blacking out because I was so afraid for you". Cat
scan averted.

my pink hat

I stared into the mirror, struggling to find the missing piece to my
facial puzzle and the answer was my pink Lauren hat. The hat is a daily accessory and a panic quickly set in at the possible absence of it. Rushing back to my seat, I realized the hat has become my security blanket. A birthday gift that keeps on giving.

spare tire

I am rattled. My houmer has given me the security of a spare tire
for a driver on a long country drive. I was always able to make
people laugh and it gave me the proper confidence to enter most social situations. Carol Burnett may have said they forget I am ugly when they laugh and I completely get that. The term "making
them laugh" indicates control. Watching someone laugh over words
that were born of my brain can be a tremendous high.

A friend, this weekend, informed me I was not funny and it left a mark. The experience has taught me to not take "the givens" for granted.

lost in translation

I want to know why my words do not represent my thoughts and how
to fix it. It happened twice today. The semi-truck carrying my thoughts from brain to mouth went off track and a completely different cargo was delivered to my mouth. The incredibly frustrating part is that I am the driver and the answer must be on my emotional map. Taking emotional rest-stops to better plan routes of communication may assure arrival at a more secure emotional destination. we will see? where is an emotional rand-mcnally,
when you one?

emotional mansion

I live in an apartment that precious would turn down. My New York friends ask me if my complex is like "melrose place" or "Beverly Hills 90210", my come back is that it is more like Beverly Hills
902oh no!

My hovel will never be featured in Esprit Decor. The feature for
me is that it is one of the few places where I will not be the recipient of yelling. No walking on egg shells, no being told I am
uguly and no being told I will not succeed, sounds like a mansion
to me.