Almost twenty Years Ago?

I was talking to a woman.  The onset of our conversation started with a standard greeting about her
day.

The woman launched into stories about her friends..I asked her how long ago the stories took  place?
The incidents were from over fifteen years prior to my asking about her day..

I wanted to say, okay, so that happened almost twenty years ago..what happened today? This week?

Covert

I am overweight.  I have been loosing weight in a slow and steady pace.  People would inform me that I needed to loose weight when I was at a peak weight. 

"My weight is not a topic for discussion" I would react to the evaluator


Ironically, a patch of comments have sprung up from grade school friends..the anger has been exchanged for a feeling of  a waring down

The substitute eternal response  has enabled me to engineer a more covert and quick moving on from the person..

Empathy?

One of my mother's best friends would describe,to me, how she missed my deceased mother.  She created word pictures of laughing with her friend or how my mother could crack problems through
research.

I thanked my mother's friend and thought I understood.. I did not..Loosing a childhood friend has
taught me what I did not know..anything I may have thought I knew about empathy has  gone
up in ashes this week

Public Emotion

Evidence of my Irish DNA is a fear of showing raw emotion in public.  This particular fear was showcased this week.  I was asked to speak at a childhood's friend funeral and expressed this fear
to a man.

The man assured me it was  natural to cry at funerals ..he brilliantly observed: 

"That is why there is Kleenex available at funerals"

Baby Names

I tell,myself and others, that I never expected to get married or have children ..that was not a key desire for me..my life unfolded a different way..I talk to people about my firm wish to be a godmother


Yet I have vivid memories, of being in my late twenties or early thirties,  carving out baby names.  I would visualize myself using  the selected names while interacting with my child.

Thinking a life will be a certain way ..does not  mean it will be..

Snoring

It is hard to feel attractive when the loudness of my snoring wakes me up

Daunting Request

I was describing the behavior of a woman to my daily call.  My daily call will become upset when she hears a pattern of negative behavior directed towards me by the same person.  She will feel:
 if I continue to report it to her and she continues to listen then our focus is being mis-spent


My daily call will request that I stop talking about people that have exhibited certain patterns

It will seem like a daunting request

Funeral

The funeral was yesterday..what do I do now? The wanting to be available.. to be of service for the
bereaved family propelled me through my feelings of being unsettled..of grief..of wondering of how
 I will cope with  never hearing her laugh again..her saying: " I know you"


She is the last person of a certain generation to know me in a certain way

Sob- Functioning

Last night, I sat at my Applelbee's table using their wi-fi ..and I became the embodiment of tears ..

And it was not  just because I was at Applebees..I could be adjusting to the loss of a child-hood friend
I do not ever think I will adjust to this..I have not sob-walked or sob-functioned like this since my mother died.

I complain of being out of control..thinking I should be reigning in my emotions in public

I feel lucky to be in touch with people that tell me it would be odd if I was not crying

West Coast vs East Coast

A woman described the cruelity of the living on the east coast..people say and wish you were dead..the words that are said to you  can be hard to take..

Well, living on the west coast can also be cruel ..not in the words expressed ...it is in the indifference

Purse Dial

I do not always listen to my voice mails (right away) ..A woman called me in the morning ..I love waking up to the proof that someone thought of me..

Without listening to her message..I texted her thanking her for being a spirit engine..

I listened to the message..as I was waiting for the bus..it turned out it was a purse dial..it sounded like either a phone bouncing in a purse or on a passenger seat


WHAT A RIOT!

Follow Their Lead

I have the privilege of visiting a family that is in grief.  They lost a member of their immediate family.

I must not engage in my knee-jerk nervous reactions...I must not be jokey..try to fix it..must not try to
convey empathy by describing a similar event that occurred to me..


I must exhale and remember to follow their lead

Actually

I frequently find people's use of  the word, actually, amusing.  In everyday conversation, I will hear the word actually followed by the most mundane things. Clearly, I can not stop,myself, from noticing
it..

AS IN:

Actually my sheets are cotton...I,actually, sent flowers for her birthday...I,actually, did not have lunch today..

Haven't you experienced this?

Gravy

A woman with limited marbles came to one of my comedic performances.  She and her daughter spent the evening laughing.

After the show, the older woman, with more current then past or future, told me," What we have now is GRAVY"

Physical Feat

A man drove me to Walgreen's to buy tampons.  To create room in my purse..I emptied out the box of firecrackers into my purse..and threw out the box in front of the driver

When entering the cab, the driver asked me if I was going to place the tampon inside of me in the backseat


I would require yoga classes to accomplish such a physical feat

Formative Friend

The loss of a friend from my formative years has forced me to evaluate how the friend affected
my life.

I am struck by how my daily behavior, habits and houmer are the result of spending time with a grade school classmate during a certain time of my life.


I have never known my life with out her..Was it a random meeting that will leave emotional finger prints on my most of my life and for most of my remaining life

Do Not

People give me their advice and opinions.  I am learning that I do not need to act on other's words..I only have to listen to the words of my inner voice

Nicole

A childhood friend died this morning.  My conversations frequently have a pantina of  "a last conversation"  I get teased about it..I frequently thank people for their time..express an appreciation for them..send them notes about how they have added to my life..

Mortality is always in the back of my head..anything can happen..  Even with mortality in the back

of my frontal lobe..

I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WOULD TALK TO HER AGAIN

Prison Wives

I read that there is an increase of women marrying prison inmates..prisoners with long prison terms..

Is this an indication of how much a portion of the female population hates cooking dinner?

Contrasting listeners

I will report, to the people in my life, how I am reacting to an emotional imbalance.. my confessions of anxiety can give people an opportunity to reinforce what is wrong with me..

A  portion of the listeners do not take advantage of such an opportunity..why is it so important to the contrasting group to take advantage of the available option

Isn't that kicking people while they are down?

On Itself

A mistreating friend will observe that certain people are not worth my time.. her dis-respect of me has prompted me to think I should start thinking of her in the same way

Noose

I used to blindly follow  my cravings.  Searching everything from a couch to a house for enough dead presidents to acquire the desired food for that day.

Today, I was thinking about how cravings can create a form of an emotional pressure..associating certain foods with certain activities or behaviors ..pulling off the getting of the food and shelling out
the wasted money..and then the food may not be as anticipated


      The "to go" boxes  on the counter felt like a noose

Two Other Women

I met with a woman today.  A woman that is important to me and our conversations always show me a better way to live.

I chose to spend our invaluable time together reporting two insults that were hurled at me..by two other women..


I feel like I  misplaced my focus and wasted my opportunity to have an interesting conversation with my friend

Clattering Quarters

I was keeping both paper money and quarters in my bra..perhaps all a part of my fantasy of being a stripper..While standing in front of  a server..the quarters started to fall to the floor like a clatter

Custom Made Messages

Whenever I hear custom made messages from service people I wonder if the universe is acting through them

Square Peg

I,sometimes, wonder about the image I may submit to blog readers.  My postings contain the,more, darker side of me.  I tend to indulge in displaying that side of me on the blog because I feel an empathy for people that may share my sense of being a square peg

Doggie Grief

I,just, made a powerful human connection with a woman.  She shared with me her grief of loosing her canine friend.

She described how her life had transformed.  The woman revealed how whenever she used to open or
shut a door ..she would look to see where her dog was..she would take larger portions of food to be
able to share it with her canine companion.. her bedtimes rituals have changed..


Eventhough the dog may have moved on..the healing has not

Bad Public Behaviors

You know, I wonder when I am exhibiting "certain bad public behaviors" if people ever contemplate
if I am in pain, or scared or if I am trying to fulfill a craving I can not name..

OR do they only see how it would be better if I was different

New Freedom

Once upon a time, I tried to collect and accumulate every material object within reach..I,even, retained water

I have entered a period of release..every time I look at a thing of any form..I ask myself, do I really
need this?

It is resulting in a freedom, I have never experienced

Abused

I have observed that certain abusers in my life will repeat how other people treat me poorly and they
treat me with the respect and value I deserve

Burger King

Burger King has a bacon cheese stuffed hamburger.  Do they have a direct line to 911?

HEART DIVISION? STAT!

This Easy?

I entered my work day telling myself: "I know this and I can do this"

and you know? I did know it and did do it?

Could it really be that easy?

Self Training

I must train myself to be aware of how I feel when parting with people.  If it is not a good feeling or the meeting triggers bad self feelings..I must be quicker to stop or limit the association

Inner Voice

My life's work is cultivating and hearing my inner voice. 

Cesspool Of Sadness

While I navigate my cesspool of sadness, I must be gentle with myself.  Be careful of my associations and interactions.

I must do (at least) one thing each day to improve the quality of that day..food choices..reducing clutter ..not exposing myself to hurtful people

Yacht

A man and I were discussing meeting for a meal.  He announced,during, the conversation that he owned a yacht..he had just bought it ..

I declared that he will be expected to purchase the meal..in light of  his repeating of his recent purchase..

It is part of the bylaws 

I Met a Guy

I met a man.  I suggested he meet a friend of mine.  He said,"Why can't I go out  with you  (instead)"?


We,both, love going to movies at a specific venue that features independent flicks.

I hesitated..a thought rotisserie twirled in my head:  all my pants need to be hemmed..my arms continue to move after I stop..I wonder what movies are playing?


We'll see..

Open Casket

I attended a funeral of a young person.  The host opened the floor up for tributes.  A woman rose and accompanied the podium to express her memories of her deceased friend. 

She began to complain about not feeling well. REALLY? she was standing between an open casket of her friend and a legless woman in a wheel chair placed among the pews...

and she is talking about not feeling well..perhaps the family of the deceased did not either

Self Created Life

I know a woman.  She has an entrenched emotional guard.  She has admitted that I would never do anything to hurt her.  Yet I see bricks and mortar whenever we communicate.


Is it all so automatic? When I might find her behavior to wax and wane ..she may find herself to be independent and having  a self created life..not dragged down by the distraction of other's behaviors

Two Speeds

When I perform stand up comedy..I undergo the same preparation prior to each show..I present material that I believe is funny..I rehearse a lot..experiment with word groupings

I will use the same material and get a roaring response..use it a second time and feel like I am getting
dead air..

It is a thoroughly raw experience..it is only acceptable for my friends to be affirming or neutral because I will be already be reliving everything and   wanting to change it all..

Stood Straighter

I am becoming more vigilant about weeding people out that tell me what is wrong about me instead of reinforces what is right about me.

There are days when it is all I can do to get to the finish line..the evening.. and then a person will submit their disapproval ..as in I should be loosing weight at a faster rate or that I should  have had a laugh earlier in my set..and I will nearly crumble


I lather people with compliments because I would rather be the reason that a person stood straighter then crumble

Best and Worst

An example of the best words are: COLLECT YOUR CASH

An example of the worst words..words that strike terror in my heart: IN OTHER WORDS

Fat Karma

I know a woman.  She would reveal that she would be embarrassed to go out if she was over-weight.

Her interactions were a sexual currency..she has gained about a hundred pounds..

Is she experiencing fat karma?

Visual Comparison

When you run into people from grade school..do you ever think, " Geeze, do I (also) look that old"?

The Statue

I know a man.  He seems to define the power of masculine goodness..appears to say what is on his mind.. clear and confident in his routes of procession

prior to a blind-date, he said I am afraid that I will not be able to personify your description of me

WHAT? He was always the statue and I was always the pile of emotional laundry

Tipping Sheep

My waitress has been bringing me her dinner checks.  Pointing to the less then ten percent tip entered on the line above the total.

Stonily saying, "I know, right"?


Is she banking on a sheep mentality to inspire me to tip large?

"Unrequited Crush"

Is there an automatic assumption when a woman and a man are friends ..that the woman could be settling for the friendship because the man will not date her.

I used to walk with a man.  I was comfortable in his silence.  I did not want to date him.  I wanted to have a friend with-in walking distance.. a friend that would call and invite me over for take-out..or share a weekly program..show me his latest home improvement

that was not to be..people in the neighborhood do tease me about my "unrequited crush".."all a shame"

Force Feeding

People will offer me large portions of food...sometimes as much a whole cake.. during a meal.  The portions are often a size beyond my want.

A cousin informed that people think that a larger person is expected to eat larger portions then the others at the table.


Why not just let people,large and small, select their desired portion and not discuss it

Black Centerpoint

I was describing a conversation with a black man to a black woman..the man being black was at the center point of story..I said: "The host happened to be black"

She said: "Just say he is black not happens to be"..

good information

Demo-Crewing Fears

I have been thinking about the first time I performed.  I was terrified.  My world has opened completely up..

It has shown me how much richer a life can be..when fears are demo-crewed

Armless

While I sat on the bus, a singular young man barreled down the isle with arms.  I wondered how he

paid his bus-fare..

Good,Bad, and the Ugly

I need to learn to experience feelings..the  good,bad and the ugly

Talking to Myself

I was walking and talking.  I was telling myself a story

A friend was getting out of his car in his carport.


  He yelled across the street: "Are you talking to yourself"?  I responded: "Yes"

He smiled and nodded..there is nothing better then acceptance 

More Myself

I interviewed for a job.  I hand-picked the location and the company.  I have never been more of myself  in an interview.

I talked fast..made MY goofy faces and used my "unusual" words ..saying cornucopia

I GOT THE JOB! this not a trend for me..I rarely automatically get jobs..

There must be something to my being at ease putting the manager at ease

Forever Lessons

A man called me.  He described his new relationship.  He revealed what he was learning in a cautionary manner.."this may not last forever"

Maybe not, the lessons he acquires will

Horse-meat

I bought food at McDonald's today.  Ending my order with the request that they hold the horse meat

Driver's Ed

A friend announced to a client that I was a stand up comedian.  I informed him that I had performed at "open mics" ..finishing the report with my description of the terror I feel before going on stage..

He said he understood ..he taught DRIVER'S ED

Self Talk

I was sharing a bus-stop with a woman. 


SELF TALK: "Tell her, you do not want to engage..you do not want to listen or respond..DO THIS, you will never see her again"

The woman monologued about her morning schedule, weather and her shoes. I would nod and was unable to follow my self directive. 

Sitting on the bus, she thanked me for listening.

Hair Hazard

What is a delicate way to inform a subway worker that the length of their hair is a health hazard? I do not know..You tell me?

Match-Maker

I offered to introduce a woman to a man.  He asked what she was like..I tend to offer information that is not exactly a perfect fit for the listener..

MAN: what is she like?

Me: she has unclogged pores..a significant "earth teacher" and an Arizona native


This is why I ask to be fed questions

Trivial Behavior

I would always act on certain choices.  I thought it would require more energy to resist  certain trivial
behaviors then to engage in them.

I have been actively stopping myself from taking part in my former social persona and it has retained
energy

Promoting Safety

I know people that feel that their approval for the "important people" in their lives is implied.  Affirming the people in our lives can promote a sense of safety and comfort in the relationship

"Certain People"

A woman will inform me that certain people are "not worth my time"  When not talking about the "certain people" what would I do with my time?

Be faster to weed "certain people" out..become more like the person you would want to attract?  Cultivate a life that is worth discussing more then discussing "certain people"

Pringles

I have been eating pringles at my (work) desk nearly everyday.  I am unclear what heartbreak I am trying to escape by engaging in this snack attack.

I feel that uncovering the why of being numb will be the what of how to stop..

Points of Removal

 
I need to decrease my material inventory.  Feeling foggy has stripped me of a more pro-active mode of behavior. 

A woman friend came in my ghetto pad..and pointed out the different parts of my apartment's contents and would say,"What about this" and then would remove the agreed upon released product.

She gave me a tremendous gift and reinforced the power of having a strong caring friend

My Mother Myself

I am,now, thinking more how I am alike my mother then different.

Skinny Jeans

"Skinny Jeans" are advertised in larger woman sizes.  Doesn't that define fashion irony?

Bed Check

A person called me at the end of the night to confirm I was safe..it was a dead on dreamy way to end my night

Jennifer Aniston

PEOPLE MAGAZINE reports that Jennifer Aniston's goals are:

1)  WORK HARD

2) BE A GOOD PARTNER

3) BE A GOOD FRIEND


Not in order of importance,  I find this to be an exemplary list..I may add to be healthier

Demi Moore

According to YAHOO NEWS, Demi Moore is requesting alimony from Ashton Kutcher.  Maybe she needs money for food she does look a little thin.

Near Strangers

A male acquaintance pointed out the different ways he observed I was smart.  I am consistently riveted by the different ways near strangers  can show emotional generosity towards other near strangers

Fashion Goodwill

My employer complimented my outfit.  I was wearing a four dollar dress from Goodwill and 10 dollar shoes...normally eighty-five dollars, YEAH THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!..from a consignment shop.

Pantyhose was the most expensive part of the outfit

Depletion

Many days in a row, I would feel guilt and general badness for my past mistakes.  Then one day..I began to notice more a depletion ..I was depleting in the current day for behavior I could not change
in my past days..

There can came a day when I was physically unable to feel bad anymore..

Joy Map

A woman informed me that she felt empty.  I nominated recording every time she felt joy..what was she doing? who was in or out of her life..how was her daily life different when she was colored in joy

Recording it may enable her to discover a route back to it

RHODA

Did you predict that Hugo Chavez and Valerie Harper would have had something in common?

CANCER

APPLEBEES

I went to APPLEBEES..which is a cultural experience by the way..

There  was a large party seated next to me.  The waitress went the extra mile performing customer service good deeds in reaction to the patron's birthday.  The multi-generational group of eaters left
more of a mess then a tip.

I heard the waitress short-ordered her less then ten percent tip and proceed to remove multiple glasses,plates and crumbs.

Both my senses learned how it effects a server when they are tipped less then fifteen percent

Startled

I am startled by how often, I would like to be numb

Perfectly Illustrated

I informed a friend of my emotional concerns and she said, "That's natural"..It felt so good not to be
judged..and perfectly illustrated the importance of who I select to share my thoughts

Gay Church

The church of my gay friends have a wine list.

Dropped Etch A Sketch

My mother lost her marbles.  I would feed her.  Seeing how her intellectual slate had been wiped clean nearly as quickly as a dropped etch a sketch...I would be reminded of all her sweating of the small stuff  to achieve the results she would  never remember..

And you know, I do the same thing..I get anxious in advance of events that never happen..I am almost
always un-nervingly carving  out a "PLAN B" when "PLAN A" usually becomes reality

AND YOU KNOW IT IS WEARING ME OUT, BABY

Duplication

I wonder if when you own your success, you are likely to repeat it.

Actual Consuming

I,frequently, like the idea of consuming certain foods better then the actual consuming of the craved
foods.

Clinic

There are days when I would like to check into a "clinic for the ill at ease".

Strike of Disrespect

I have an uniquely rich irritation with the non-performance attached to indifference..because it is an
avoidable strike of disrespect

Communion Wafer

A gay crush escorted me to his favorite church.  The church had a perfectly lovely, dare I say, positively delectable spreadable cheese with their communion wafer

Shaking Hand

Standing in a break room, I saw a co-worker's hand shake as he held a water bottle.  My dislike for him turned to pity

Berets

I wonder if society would have been more forgiving of Monica Lewinsky if she had not been photographed wearing a beret.

Patty Hearst had trouble "pulling off" wearing a beret and she was (also) wearing a machine gun.

Beaver Shot

My driver stopped (right) in front of a patio of  people..I may have given one table,in particular, a beaver shot  while the beaver was coveted by spanks

Deposit VS Collection

I am starting to act on the concept that dating is a numbers game.  Yesterday, I offered my email address to every guy that complimented me.  The beauty of giving my contact information instead of collecting theirs is that the ball is in their court. it eliminates the distraction or any opportunities to pursue them

"Tough"

A man was describing his treatment of his toddler son.  He said, "I want him to be tough".

What about wanting him to be authentic?

"Perfect Margarita"

A waiter suggested I order the " Perfect Margarita"..I do not  believe in perfection..I told him I would consider it if he would refer to it as the "We Will Do What We Can Margarita"

Auto Pilot Stain

A man announced it was his birthday.  I proceeded to capture a card and circulate it among our co-workers.  While I was giving it to the third or fourth person, I flashed on the three times he verbally
viewed me as ugly.

I became quite emotional and wanted to stop the process.  I thought about how I am sick of engaging in positive behavior for people that engage in negative behavior towards me..I will need to learn how
to strip away the auto pilot stain from my reactions.

Selling Bad Memories

I have been shedding a variety of STUFF.  Consignment stores are my chosen venue for releasing my material goods.  When I complete the transaction with the store associate..I feel like I am selling bad
memories and I give myself permission to stop retreading over that particular past trail.

About my Mother

Being in the decade of my forties has created a more secure understanding of my mother's behavior during certain stages of her life.

I,now, possess an awareness of  how my mother may have felt when she discussed her anxiety about turning fifty.

My clarity regarding her desire and how she tried to achieve a fresh start after her divorce has also increased.

So perhaps compassion comes with experience and experience comes with age