"Settling"

I ended a sexual relationship. I was struck by the difference of women(s) and men's reactions. The women friends feed me with  warnings of reuniting with him.... fearful I would crumble at a chance
to be with him....

Male friends are sending ,me, text messages conveying words of admiration
for not "settling"

Crab Cake

I had a moment ,last week, when I knew my company could be had for
central air and a crab cake ... the negotiation was not realized .. I  was tempted
though

Wine Bottles

I thought of a vessel that could double as a piggy bank.  A wine bottle...I can thread a folded  bill of choice  down the neck of the bottle ....

A bottle with a narrow neck does not provide easy access during times of panicked deprivation ....

Unclear

I have moments perhaps even hours when I feel in over my head...It is not always clear, to me, who I have to turn to ...to seek counsel..

Loud Whispering

I spent the summer dating a man.  As the third act approached, the whispering in the back of my head

became louder..."he is limiting you"

I would make a mental plan to expand my circle by  contacting  other men...I never did...always turning back to who was convenient ...

He did not limit me... I did

Residing in Grey

Even though I usually reside in grey, I hold a black and white position on my ending of  a "romantic" relationship.

Whenever I do not display anger towards him .... which is my usual M.O. my closest woman friends express a fear that I will re-engage with the man.

This is far from the truth...I am relieved that, after being on a brick wall, a decision was made...

Indirect Effects

I used to think  that the main ways to avoid the direct effects of members of addiction was not to share children or money matters.

A certain acquaintance changed my position.   I used share a working space with a man that participated in drug use....

He would react to what he thought I meant instead of what I actually said in a straight forward manner....

He would loose things on a daily basis...favorite mug ..pen...appointment book and he would always recruit people to look for them

He would present ten different opinions on ten different days on the same concept...

It reminded me how a depth of a habit can permeate every angle of  a life

Brilliant

I overheard the following discussion between a mother and a daughter. 

Mother: are you sad?

Daughter: no, I am ME

Brilliant

Words from a Neighbor...

I described the ending of a relationship to a neighbor...I concluded the story by asking, isn't that depressing that a person would make that choice against another person...

She said, it would be even more depressing if you went back to it....

Prettiness

Feeling misery over a betrayal and gaining weight...I caught myself in the mirror... I saw a prettiness in my face...

A testament to the human spirit

Wading Through

A "relationship" ended in such a cliché manner that it is hard not feeling like a fool.   I must wade through an inventory of behaviors...to learn the extent of my role in the creating of the betrayal.

Fedora

I crossed the street with a man from the Jewish faith...complete with a fedora...I turned to him and asked  if this was his day to walk....

not expecting it to be on a Thursday...he responded, "No, I decided to take a walk tonight"

Shaken Not Stirred

I was seeing a man over the summer.   Whenever I would waffle about whether to continue to spend time with him....I would think of a reason to stay in the relationship...comfortable in silence...feeling a level of safety...a first experience with a certain of type of acceptance...

Yesterday, He created a negative  that could not be cancelled out with a positive.   I told him not contact me...

He stood in  the parking lot, yelling my name... I was shaken not stirred

Ring Ading Ding

My phone was taken by a friend of a "friend".   I felt so stupid...I looked away for two minutes....asking myself why I did not put it in my pocket...reliving and regretting..

Then I thought, I am not the one that  committed a crime against another human...

DogFriend

A woman and I were talking about relationships... She responded, "I would rather have a dog"

I can concur on certain days

Three-Way Mirror

A woman was describing her tattoo.... It a portrait ... A scene that gives me serenity ..., I asked her,
"Do u need a three-way mirror to find your serenity"?

Master Expansion

Practicing an area of life has brought notable improvement.   While receiving the reinforcement for the accomplished progress...I thought if I can master  this particular habit then I bet I can master all sorts of things that I did not think I could....

About Me not About Him

I have been partnered with a man for 2.5 months. The progression of the relationship
distracted me with the wonder of a person like him being drawn to me ....

Finishing a convo with him has elicited   the question: it is about how I feel about him
not about how much he feels about  me

Robin Williams

A woman sent me her emailed reaction to Robin Williams' suicide.  Her theory was it would increase suicides....

I was dumb founded that a person can be so determined in an uneducated guess...and if a person is fervent in a theory...why pick a negative one..

Angry Quotables

I am related to verbally violent people.  Whenever I am exposed to their angry quotables...I come away with the question...

"Who told you it was okay to talk or treat people this way?"

High Road

A man and I share a work space...He shows disdain for me...I was listing his positive traits to a woman

she classified it as taking the "high road" ...a person disliking me does not negate his superior qualities...

Elton John

Elton John has said that the elaborate costumes he wore while he was performing was a compensation for his insecurities...

What we do not know about people's self view and how they display it may suggest that we be open to wishing them wellness and a sense of peace....even if from a distance

Knee-Jerk Reaction

I am in my first male/female relationship.   The relationship has sprung up a new campus of self- education.

A key discovery was my continuum of  certain knee-jerk reactions.   While engaging in a sex life with a boyfriend...I would think or say, no-one would have any sexual interest in me...."it is just not
possible"

Even though the man involved has told me he loved me, I told a close friend that, a man would not love me...

Awareness starts change

Not a Bust

I have a male friend.  I have been friends with him for over five years.   A woman considers him my super crush and suggests I cease being friends with him.

The man keeps me in the knowledge that everything I need is inside of me.....I am smart...and empowers me in other ways...

I refuse to believe that the friendship is a bust because I am not making out with him...

Reacting to the Reaction

I am starting to practice not to anticipate reactions...react when I am faced with the behavior or reaction

Boyish

I have been "seeing" a  26 year man.   He was smiling a lot yesterday.....I usually think of him with fierce intent...

When I looked at him smiling and laughing with one of my best friends...the first word that sprung to
my mind was boyish....how boyish he was

Then again, he is 26, of course he is boyish ...

Advice is all Around Us

Clearly, certain people, appear to, feel quite comfy cozy dispensing advice...

A  borderline homeless woman gives, me,  advice on how "to save money"

A man, deep in his addiction, advises me on the destruction of  poor eating and sleeping habits..

Ironically, I do not suggest they make any changes to their lives...when they are ready, their change has a greater potential of coming...

Hawaii

A neighbor spitted out that he had spent his youth in prison .., I could relate to his feelings of restriction... I, once, flew to Hawaii in "Coach" and my vegetarian meal was lost ...

So clearly, I felt a kinship with him

What He Did Not Ask?

A man wanted me to hang with his best friend. His friend has expressed a dislike for me.

My Man , sought affirmation'   from his cousin  for me to be able to spend time as his pad ..., what

he did  not seek is if I wanted to be in the atmosphere of his main man

Citrus Face

I was reporting information to an employee at the changing of shifts.   She responded, seemingly out of the blue, that she found me entertaining...

This is a person that  has never appeared to find me the least bit amusing and looks like she is sucking a tart citrus....

Kind thoughts are being directed at us from all over our world....

Goal for August

My goal for this month is to live without fear.   Fear has not proven to be a motivating or protective mechanism

Fear's main effect, in my life, has been anticipating a negative result that does come to fruition.

The mental list for accomplishment is reduce behavior that creates anxiety.... spend  money on what is needed not wanted....react to actual situation not anticipated situation.....ask myself  how I feel when with certain people...plan a quiet period of concentration for each day....

Points of Deprivation

I was one of four people riding the encapsulated heat of a late model sedan.   Absorbing and amused by the car's culture.   My daily anxiety appeared to be suspended until we got to the fast food drive-through ....with my wearable cotton clinging to my back...I began to want to demand the previously ordered soda...I needed the sugar to dissolve my assumed backlogged anxiety...

Hearing the other passengers rumble with their desires while (very much) desiring my soda... made me think we may all have points of deprivation .... ranging from biological addiction to thought to be addictions....reactions may equally vary

His shades of Life

I met a man. Even though we are diamonds, we only displayed one side of ourselves. While I was private regarding my history... He lied about parts of his... a part of my reaction was a surprise because I did not react  in anger ... as his lies unfolded and it seemed like he felt he was masking the truth ... I felt the truth was becoming more acute (to me)  I thought less of his betrayal and more about the pressure he may feel in manifesting all of his webs .... I wondered if this was what it feels like
to be unconditional about a human residing in my life .... Resulting in visualizing him to exhale and relieving himself of  the pressure of the multiple shades of his life

Emotional Decor

I have volunteered for most of my life's wrinkles, mistreatment, drama, trauma and  crisis.    I volunteered for the adversity by who I spent time with and what I put in my mouth...

My emotional décor is "writing on the wall" ...My solace is that it is not to late to change...