Daily Story

I talk to the same person almost daily.  I select one story to share with her.  It prevents me from
reliving the minutia of most of my everyday events..and loose my focus..on building a desired
future..which is the more important story.

In the Next Room

I feel fortunate to be able to live alone.  yet there are moments..like when I can not get the shower
curtain rod to stick..I can not understand directions on how to set my new alarm clock..

When I would like to yell for the mysterious person in the next room for help

Overshadowed?

I am a mixed bag.   Most days I will be very aware of  other people's feelings and display behavior that confirms it. 

People have informed me that I improve their self perceptions and their view of the world.

I,also, make social blunders..or display bad public behavior..


Today, I was wondering if my less frequent bad behavior overshadowed, my more, shown
thoughtful behavior 

Paper Clip

I met a girl.  She has a paper clip tattooed to the inside of her wrist..I asked "why a paper clip"?

She stated: "because I want to be a writer"

Wouldn't it make, more sense, to have a pencil tattooed instead of a paper clip?

CandyMan

Leaving Starbucks, a craving for peanut butter cups hit me.  I told,myself, to ignore it..save the money

I go to work..in the middle of the table in the break-room..was a bowl of mini peanut butter cups


Is the candyman, Jesus?

Late Night Note

I have been going through old papers.  I came upon two pieces of  my writing that my mother gave me..

The first was a snippet of a piece of paper stating:

"I am smart. I like me"

The second was a note to my mother:

" I need help.  Can you make a doctor's appointment? I think I am in a depression. I can not discuss it
with you"

While I praised myself for asking for help..the note was from upper grade school years..I wondered
what may have happened between the two expressions of disposition

Jumping Words

I was reading a novel by Jodi Picoult and a line jumped off the page.

 " a miracle was not something that happened to you, rather something that did not"


There is an expectation of instances that I may not only hold onto these words..possibly cling to them

My Friend

A woman friend has been describing her time with her mother.  She applies ice and lotion to her mother's diseased legs..she is able to ignore how her habits differ from her maternal house-mate

Whenever I express my admiration to,my friend, she simply says I know, I do not have much
more time with my mother and I want her remaining time to be peaceful

I am inspired

Captured Moments

I found a group of school pictures from different grade school years.  I was struck more by the similarities between my present face and my past face. 

Specifically my thick wavy hair, rich penetrating eyes and the space in between my front two teeth

Choosing to believe that I still posses the raw beauty that is displayed in the photos


I thought of throwing out some of my captured moments of youth..then the thought I would be disposing parts of myself  stopped me

Ways He did Not

I was on the phone with my closest childhood friend..my friend has lost his marbles..He wanted to see me..there was no way I could I see him..he  kept repeating his request to see me in person

I tried to redirect him with descriptions of his favorite movie scenes..I informed him when I could
see him..

The conversation was bordering on nearly an half hour ..I started to panic.he would not hang up
and I could not hang up on him..a woman interceded and terminated the call

The loss of his marbles makes him only remember the ways he loves me.. I remember the ways he
did not

Like a Tree in the Forest

I "sign on" to facebook everyday. Scanning all the postings..from minutia to monumental.. reading the everyday reports of my "facebook friends" ..I had a flash thought..is posting like a tree falling
in the forest..if there is no-one to read our postings..did we really get stuck in traffic or in a line at the
bank..

Swollen Memory

Bits of my past swell my memory..rethinking details of behavior..second-guessing how I participated
in certain word exchanges

when it starts to feel like it is getting to be to much..I dive into another person's past..a refreshing swim of a biography

being unclear of my arrival  prevents a sense of confidence of finding a route out of this terrible habit of mine

Holiday Letdown

I compliment people for sharing stories of their holiday letdown.  I think people frequently feel that other people's Christmas are a variation of  the beautifully festive commercials of the season..

It is not that way for many people..people are lonely..missing relatives that have passed on..feeling an
overall sense of deprivation or a not fitting in..

So I reinforce people talking about their Christmas because it diminishes thoughts that the family
next door is drinking eggnog and baking cookies

"It was Christmas Eve"

A man called me,on Christmas Eve, and told me he loves me very much.  It felt really good to hear it..particularly on Christmas Eve..

I told myself to ignore that his love may be hurtful to me

Looser Clothes

I had stopped drinking soda.  I was only drinking water..my loose clothes became looser this morning

I got a soda on the way to work..

Is that fear of success?

"High Five"

My idea of living on the edge..is being a team member and not high fiving..

Damaged

I feel the most damaged during three days out of the year..December 23rd-25th..Some years I can escape classic ways of self sabotage through bad public behavior by the skin of my teeth..When I do
I think..I am better ..

Other years,  I do not make it..I spend minutes thinking that I am a tragedy..I have beauty,light and talent..yet I seem determined to show the worst parts of myself instead of the best parts.. The hardest part of it is I am the only one to blame and it always seems easily avoided ..

December 26th- I start to add the list another act that I must become okay with..

Situational Acceptence

The universe has presented,me, two key opportunities for self acceptance.  Using wi-fi at Starbucks
forced me to learn to be able to eat in front of other people..particularly when sharing a table..I had to
ease into the process of consuming food with witnesses

I work at a retail store.  I was unnerved bringing pants to purchase to the register..there is a small pool of  register people and customers..it is not the shoe department at Nordstrom..I thought of the girl folding the fabric to be placed into the bag..would she be feeling like  folding my pants would be equal to folding a tent..I flirted with idea of buying a smaller size...then I just thought this is getting rediculame

It is what it is..until I loose more weight

Bare Legs

I was set for a day of shame.  The pantyhose designated to wear with my dress had a run in them. Exposing my shocking white dry scarred legs..Entering my workplace with a desire
to be ignored and just wanting to get through my workday

a girl aproached me and said I am always glad when you are here

PERSPECTIVE

My Laundromat

I was washing my clothes at a Laundromat..three kids were running around while their mother was also washing clothes..I could tell the mother was becoming anxious with their behavior..I,gently said, they are being kids ..the older boy was playing with the wheels on a laundry basket..I thought it was clever...the mother scolded him "you are embarrassing me"

I wanted to step in and say I am the only one here..I understand their behavior..I did not want to
make the situation for the boy worse..he looked like a part of his spirit was dying

Cool Chickie?

During a voicemail, I interjected that I was a really cool chickie..later on I laughed..is declaring yourself a cool chickie far from a cool chickie move?

Also Dairy

I attended a neighborhood party. Guest asserted that American citizens over the age of 65 should relinquish their drivers license(s) and voter registration cards.

I responded: also dairy

Vlog- doubling my bra for a purse

I frequently keep a myriad of  items large and small in my bra

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUJ058jHe8M

I discuss the variety of contents in my bra in the above video 

Alarmed Clocked Me

I was talking to a guy..reporting in extreme detail my anxiety regarding a situation that was beyond my control..as he described it verbally obsessing..

He popped up with a story about working for Arrowsmith..it alarm clocked me that people have interesting stories..they are not what they appear..and I  am missing storied opportunities by

maintaining one track conversations about next to nothing

Christmas Cards

I got two Christmas cards in the same week.  One is a truly beautiful high end card and the other is

a cheap cheap card.  The outstanding card is from a person that threatens to reject me..the poor quality card is from a loving person.

I have decided not to display the elaborate card because whenever I see the polish of the paper ..I think of the roughness of his words

The other card seems as artful as unconditional acceptance..I have showcased the card

Meditating Words

I have been meditating on words that my walking partner bestowed upon me..

Her response to my anxieties about my workplace was:  Are you reacting to what is actually happening? or are you reacting to the version you are telling yourself?

"Taken Up"

A man is going through a lifestyle change..he described a friend going through a crisis..He is not clear what his emotional stamina will permit him to contribute to her situation

I said, it is okay to come from a place of being "taken up"

Admiration

Sitting and using public wi/fi, I watch a lot of  service workers doing their jobs.  They interact with the public in a kind,generous and accommodating (consistently) manner..I admire them

Locked In

I get locked into oral fixation rituals.  One particular daily ritual is keeping hard candy in my pockets at work..breath mints..candy canes..butterscotch discs..

When I was heading to acquire additional pocket goods..I thought what if I save the money and not buy them before work?

I could feel anxious.then it occurred to me that it is okay for me to experience negative feelings

One man's opinion of me

I thought I was being friendly with a starbucks patron and he thought I was trying to "force" my houmer on his being..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJ_FuZ29Ik0

Salty/ Sweet Dilemna

I must take a moment before I  make food choices after work..I will be tired..I will be disappointed in not completing a performance goal..something salty or something sweet will be in my line of vision...

The fatigue and disappointment will weaken my selection process..before work..my mind is vacant of a salty/sweet dilemma

Tainting Emotional Atmospere

I was complaining that a group of people were tainting my emotional atmospere..she said that will happen..I can only control my reaction not who enters my atmospere..

Brushing up

A manager publicly complimented me..I felt a swirl of self-doubt and embarrassment..I was afraid that my feelings of self loathing brushed up on the manager..my sense of inadequacy may have been exhibited in a form of flip behavior.. I found him after the meeting and expressed deep appreciation

I must be careful to not have my internal negative behaviors become negative external negative
behaviors

VLOG- public behaviors

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuuxJqknv54
CONVERSATIONS WITH REBECCA SHEA

navigating in public with strangers

Ballistic

I was getting reports that a person was talking about me..the fatigue of hearing the stories repeatedly generated a weak moment..I asked him to expand his topic list with people in our mutual circle..

He became ballistic..I began to say..hey your behavior is your story ..it has nothing to do with me

Then why did I broach the subject with him? 

Fading

I used to call a woman and vent.  The reporting of the negative behavior of others was robbing both of our time.

The woman could not take it anymore..she set time limits on certain subjects..it was extremely effective..naturally my positive verbal contribution became stronger and the negative parts began
to fade

What I heard

A peer admired my eye specs..I heard her say: you look really good..you look at peace ..you look

like you have released all your resentments ..

I,guess, it is all how I frame it

Not Meant to Continue

I had a computer question..it would have been so easy for me to call him..It is a technical question ..means to an end ..it is not personal right?

I must act like he is not available for my questions..every time I reach out to a person for any reason it continues the relationship..

Certain relationships are not meant to continue..

Rear view Relationship Journal

I was walking and thinking about the ending of a friendship.  He has appeared to have moved on pretty quick like..my emotional stun gun was focused on the question..how can I be considered disposable?.. then I did an emotional 360..changing my position of investigation

It is not about the ending it is,frequently, about the beginning.. there are verbal behaviors that can be
captured in the rear-view relationship journal

Focusing on the end of a friendship may not be an effective mindset.  Thinking, he has appeared to have moved on real quick like..what is it about me that he finds disposable?

Then...my mindset did an emotional 360..it is not always about the ending..it is,frequently, about the beginning.. were there any verbal signs during our early conversations..were there chinks in his loyality towards me..

Wealth or Poverty?

A woman was complaining about her dating choices.  One of her choices only wanted her to be nude and not want to share words with her...

One person's poverty is another person's wealth

Replacing

I have not reached out to any people who have rejected me this week-end ... people that have humiliated me with their rejection..not acknowledging gifts ..or returning phone calls..



I began to celebrate myself then stopped and wondered if I ate more this week-end

Ultimate Arrival

I am spending the week-end with a westie and a poodle.  Their acceptance of me makes me emotional..at certain moments...weep..

Unconditional love could be my ultimate arrival

VLOG/ singles mixer

A SEGMENT OF CONVERSATIONS WITH REBECCA SHEA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOviU8v8I4I

Interruption

I ran into a neighbor at "my market".  She would cut me off every which way ..a wave of determination would come over to finish my sentences..then I began to relax ..thinking interrupt away..

I walked away feeling that her interrupting was a win  for me..I did not  to reveal to much

Arousal?

Hearing certain words...feeling sensations..a sense of sexual arousal?..I had began using a new liquid soap..

Numbers Game

Haven't you heard that a person may get one hundred "nos" before getting a "yes".  Life is a numbers
game.  It applies to most of the areas of my life. 

How many conversations does it require to feel that a certain friendship is not a good fit.  Client recruitment may demand thirteen fliers and eight letters.  How many calories,can I, reduce from
my daily intake.  How many blind--dates .... How much, less money, can I spend today then yesterday

I never know when I can invoke volume and when I can not

Truncating

I will,frequently, blurt out: "I do not know anything"...which is a contrarian assessment to my level
of knowledge..My blurted phrase is the truncated version of "I do not know anything about how to make a souffle" or a rainbow of other subjects

If  what we say about ourselves is powerful programming..I must be less casual about my truncating..

"Conversations with Rebecca Shea"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SChEiYVQl4E

My most recent segment of CONVERSATIONS WITH REBECCA SHEA on YOUTUBE

Story Chain

My "daily call" and I  were discussing my reaction to dairy.  The initial report became a story chain with the final link being a debate on which it would be better to be..a bulimic or an anorexic

I chose to be bulimic..for I would be more comfortable with wretching then ignoring that raw hunger..you know the kind of hunger you get on certain days..those days aound four PM ..perhaps you forgot to eat and you are at work..

Dumb Phone

A friend's nine year daughter interrupted my description of my "smart phone"'s features ..by blurting out: "smart phone"? more like a dumb phone!

One Meal at a Time

A friend was explaining the science behind weight loss.  I reacted by telling him that I went against every rule,I was told, and lost a substantial amount of weight.

I used to eat everything in the largest of portions available and  felt deprived...Now I eat what I crave in smaller portions..resulting in a gradual weight loss and a removal of a lingering sense of  deprivation

I am not thinking long term..one meal at a time

Deep End Of a Personality

I was thinking about how there were moments when I loved delving into someone else..I was feeling a twinge of  fleeting sadness..then I realized that when I escape into the other person..I avoid my own
self cultivation..so I need to be careful before I jump into the deep end of a specific personality...

When we invest a lot of our daily lives in other people..I have done this with a handful

Color Coding

Last night, I attended a donation drive.  The donation drive was married with a singles mixer. We were assigned colors based on our relationship status..yellow is complicated..green is single..red is married..

I wondered ..if a person attended in muted colors..would that mean that he was willing to show up..yet he refused to be optimistic about his outcome..

Craving or a Binge?

I had a day of memory triggers.  I was due for a meal.  Rice is a comfort food.  I had a portion with lunch..is eating when upset,only a danger, when u binge?

Or is it merely fulfilling a craving if it comes with a meal?

Seeking a Lifeguard

A friend nearly drowned in the ocean.  An undertow swept her out to sea and she fought  her way back to shore. 

I thought of her story as a metaphor for life..performing a breaststroke..when seeking help from a lifeguard..we are our best selves

Frayed Tapestry

I knew a guy.. we would laugh a lot and were stimulated by each other's words..there was always a ripple of peace in our backdrop of merry intellectual advancement..then one day, the relationship unraveled like a frayed tapestry

The universe removed him for me..the hole created by the man's void..was filled with a sense of relief..less interupted peace..

9AM

A barrista described her sleep the night before she must awake for her morning shift at Starbucks.

She goes to bed after eating dinner...wakes up every hour due to fear of oversleeping..getting up
in the dark...feeling like she is going against her natural time clock..

I know the feeling..I,once, had to be somewhere at 9am

Inside

Sitting in a Starbucks..staring out the window..I saw a group of people engaging in sign language

maybe they thought,it was to loud to talk inside ...

Good Walk and Talk

I was feeling grey. My "Starbucks boyfriend" and I shared our short walk to "our Starbucks"..our word exchange concluded with his reinforcement of my knowledge that I must do all that is within
my power towards creating a desired result and let go the rest..

good walk and talk

Expertise

A neighbor pointed out,to me, that we all need our own sense of expertise..people need to believe they are proficient in certain life skills

Riddle

I will run behavior by a couple of friends.  They will ask me," Why are you making such a big deal about what he is doing..or saying"

I explain to them..that I do not view it as a big deal .... I view certain behaviors as a riddle and I was seeking an answer from my selected listener..

Train Station

I view life as a train station. Trains arrive and depart with my co-life participants..I may never have a train schedule for the people in my life..I choose to believe that their train departs when the teaching of their asigned lesson has been completed..

This theory has helped gotten me through certain moments

Change-Agent

Pixels of my concentration had been absorbed by other people's behavior.  The dialogue of others had become the main source of  my dialogue with my daily call. 

Emotionally, I thought, I need to change my focus..move on..become more balanced..hitting a stress peak

Unstable sleep pattern was the change-agent..I could not sleep for two nights..that did the trick

Cookies for a Potluck

I bought cookies,the night before, a potluck.  The act triggered memories of when I would be unable to keep cookies in the house prior to a potluck..I would eat them and then have to buy more cookies,right before, the potluck...

It did not occur to me to eat them.....I must take a moment to acknowledge any form of my progress..for me to have a chance at feeling a sense of  perspective regarding my overall behavior

Quick Hello

I ran into a woman friend at the market.  I greeted her with a gentle wave.  A flood of words flowed out her mouth..the water was defensiveness about being distracted by a text she sent her husband..

I was coming from a place of a quick hello and well wishes

It is a shame what we do to ourselves

Remaining Portions

I am learning to throw away my remaining portion of  food instead of forcing myself  to finish food that I do not have an appetite for or have room in my stomach

Sense of Insecurity

There are people from different chapters of my life that will never affirm me.  I,think, I know this..then I will find myself in a situation where I am performing an action that is only submerged in a need to be given approval from a member of a past subculture of people..

Knowing I can,easily, slip into such a needful action gives me  a sense of insecurity about certain future relationships.

Continuing Enlightenment

I can get  stupid crazy..within two days before a holiday..with thoughts of anxiety about being alone during Thanksgiving..

A woman friend and I were discussing being alone on a major holiday...She ended our talk by saying, isn't it lovely to have a day that where we do not have to do anything,be anywhere or be with anyone
we do not like..

The moment she said that..my thankfulness for her continuing enlightenment was refreshed

Serial?

A woman informed me that she never hears her co-workers talk about each other.  Shocked, I asked her if she was serial ...

She said, no, I am Charmaine

Conflicted Fantasy

There is a boy from my past..I thrive to  stop sobbing on a routine basis and fully accept his absence from my daily life

My fantasy is to be able to see him in  Grand Central Station and not look back...I greet the fantasy with conflict..if the man and I become passing strangers..I certainly wasted a lot on him

Learning Must

I must learn to accept what people can give me instead of being mad at them for what they can not

Sharp Again

My mother spent her final chapter without her marbles. During the course of my days, I will wish to fight with my mother because then she would be sharp again..

Cheddar Cheese

I was eating morsels of cheese..a small, loving dog looked up at me and his eyes seem to ask:  "are you,really, going to eat that crumb of cheese"?...

It seems crazy

Today, a friend called to assure me of my value.. It seems crazy, to me, that I must be assured of my value..yet I do..My friends are not pressured to perform this evaluation..

Perhaps there are people, in your life, in my position..Do you let them know their value?

Head Voices

My clothes are becoming to baggy. Searching for reduced basics to enable me to present a better fit..the advice of a friend pops into head..

if isn't my mother's voice, then, it is a gay crush's voice in my head guiding my movements

Velcroed

Are you like this? 

Last weekend, I got several compliments about my looks and my behavior.  I absorbed them.

Then, a person repeated an insult he received regarding my behavior..the insult Velcroed to my brain..

wiping away all the positive reinforcement of the previous days

My chosen belief is that a change will be in my future..the complement will Velcro and the insult will be wiped away

Daggered with Stories

The re-opening of  "my Starbucks" invited a reunion with a certain patron.  We maintained an email relationship during the koffey-klatch's temporary closing. 

Tonight, the man and I came together to operate our keyboards in a silence daggered with sporadic stories.

He presented a story of a customer describing me as boring.  I do not know the person
that submitted his negative evaluation of me.

I took it hard..I felt sad for myself that I let the words of an unknown person divert my attention..in a defeating manner 

Fuck You Money

I was touring a showroom of fashion today.  shoes..bracelet..flannel jammies ..button down chambray shirts..grey pants..green wrap around dress..caught my eye.  Thinking that all my choices would be useful. . would always be in style..

So would be a FUCK YOU savings account..I left without making a purchase

Unearned Lessons

A part of my adulthood was spent determined not to repeat my parent's mistakes.  I viewed them as lessons without having to have earned them...through pain or regret..

I am,now, fearful that I will duplicate the mistakes.

No Expiration Dates

I send cards to people to pass on positive wishes.  A woman informed me that she keeps one of my cards in her car.  Another woman reported that she reads my sent card daily.

There is no expiration date on written affirmations

Grating

I need to believe that my voice has an inability to be grating.  My voice,only, has universal appeal.

A man began to label my voice as grating...Before he could complete the word,grating, I began to aggressively shut down the conversation by saying..NO NO NO!!

He withheld a more complete evaluation

Ear-Blasting

A man observed that my voice can go,without warning, from whispering to ear-blasting.  Embodied in my appreciation  for the enlightenment was a verbal desire to change.

He questioned my stated desire. The man informed me that when I change certain behaviors for others, I am going against my authentic self

A part of my being felt wholly accepted.. I do not think life gets much better then that..

Gifts of Time

I thanked an associate and client for their time on the same day.  They both laughed..I asked if it was funny..thinking of my dry delivery..The associate said that the concluding greeting was just so rare

I feel that when a person gives of their time in a calm manner, it is one of the best gifts there is..

sharing time can be a most generous sharing of ourselves

PROTESTING

A friend was publicly insulted.  I witnessed it happen.  I protested the targeting behavior.  A part of me was reluctant..bullying repels me...diverting my attention to focus, however temporary, on the bully repelled me more..I told myself that I was inserting myself where it was not needed..

I,also, thought about being publicly ridiculed in the workplace and hearing my co-workers praise the
attacker..it hurt in a white hot feeling on the cheeks kind of way

Who would I be if I did not learn from that experience and not protest?

Face Value

I see a certain man several times a week.  He talks non-stop..seriously..like non-stop..  He pulled me aside and described his gap in psych medications..a delay in prescriptions...

I asked him if he  verbalized every one of his thoughts due to his lack properly adjusted dosages...The man confirmed the presented theory..

Behavior is not always at face value...

Eye Specs

Leaving my "ghetto pad" defining a grumpy start to my day....anxious about a new meeting..fearful that my outfit was out of season..

I felt I would be okay, once, I got to Starbucks to consume a multi-grain bagel...posing as a sourpuss.. a  man approached me and complimented my eye frames

His words re-configured my whole spirit..kind words is an act we can all do for each other

Faded Leather Couch

Waiting for their coffee, they exchanged a reassuring shorthand.  They became one with the soft leather couch. Holding hands..when she needed her hand to gesture..he replaced her hand with her
thigh..They looked as comfortable with  each other and in their skin as the faded couch did..


I nearly burst into tears..I did not know what I wanted until I watched it....

Condom?

He does not want to use a condom.  He may have expressed concern about a pregnancy risk.

He talked of all sorts of positions while I took the position that his concern was premature

"it is what it is"

Intellectually, I will take the approach of "it is what it is"...Knowing that once I completed everything I could towards the completion in the garnering of a certain result...it was time to release it..

Physically, I loose my breath..the back of my eyes are pressured by a rush of tears or my stomach tightens

I do not know when my physical existence will unite with my emotional existence..

"it is what it is"

Sum of our Parts

I was talking to a new guy.  He is in accounting.  We were discussing a blind meeting.  I told him
when came together to generate interesting conversation..we would be the sum of our parts

He responded by assuring me that I do not have to figure into our conversations math analogies..

No, I kind of do..

"ATTA GIRL"

Last Night, I talked to a man on the phone.  Whenever he liked my suggested placement of his hands.

He would say, "ATTA GIRL"

Learning from #2

I have started to replay my voice mails before I send them to my friends.  It has been a grand learning
experience..When I complete my message..I press the #2 to hear my words firsthand from my mouth..

It has been an eye-opener..I have learned that I do not say "like"or "MMMM"   nearly as much as I feared..I,now, have a new understanding of the effects of my voice and cadence...

living and learning about myself in clear and simple ways

Sexually Frozen

Talking on the phone with a close girlfriend  about  a potentially filling dance card.. specifically regarding an upcoming blind-date..I expressed the thought that I could be sexually frozen..

My experiences with men are not within miles of  the Fenway's home plate of my friend's histories

She assured me that I may not be a lone in that feeling.. that is why she is my daily call

Protein Shake?

Last week, I wanted to eat everything I could see..this week, I have raw hunger without an appetite..

I want to honor my body's needs..I do not want to engage in feelings of deprivation

Is a smoothie or a protein shake the most viable choice

Walking in Gratitude

I always knew what I did not want the purpose of my blog to be...This week I was colored with a fresh realization of  my goals for this blog...

I desire the ripple effect of my written words to be a lessening of  self dislike..beating ourselves up..
a feeling bad of ourselves..

MYSELF INCLUDED...if one reader acquired a more positive perspective of themselves or their behaviors
as result of reading  my stories I would walk in gratitude

Out of my Hands

I have a relative with a violent temper.  The thought of him having children made me anxious.  There
were moments when I wanted his ability to have children to be thwarted.

He never had children. I wasted time and concern on a potential event that never happened..

Furthermore, on an event that  was out of my hands..

So Easy

It would have been so easy to replay the self-peace stripping conversations with a person from my past..over and over..in my head..from the previous week-end

I chose an alternative route...I contacted women that accepted me for who I am..giving me the benefit of the doubt..and thanked them

Combat with Houmer

A friend and I were discussing the difficult  personalities in our lives. We were laughing about the extreme awkwardness of it all..wondering how our lives had gotten to this point...

My friend and I are choosing to combat the thorns of our lives with houmer

Torched

A co-worker publicly insulted my looks.  My girlfriend declared that he should be torched.

Now, that is a good girlfriend!

Walking Away

I thought I was changing..truly evolving..you know, improving my ability to strip away certain negative behaviors that are not relevant to my everyday life.. sadly, no

I was reunited with a person from my past..we share a history with his anger..I was not fearful about
seeing him because I had thought of him in neutral terms during our multi-year separation

When he screamed and waved his arms at me..I reverted back to textbook mistakes in communication
EXCEPT for one

I walked away,first, when he was shouting: MOM AND DAD WISHED YOU HAD NEVER BEEN
BORN!

A good start on the advancing of my emotional timeline

A Beloved's Ending

A beloved finished her email to me with a paragraph starting with the question, "what I like about you"?

The paragraph embodied positive bulletin points reinforcing my behaviors in stories that I had
said in a patchwork of communications...voice mails,letters and rich Sunday catch-ups..

I burst out with such emotion..her decision to end her general email the way she did changed my
whole spirit.

String of Strangers

My "daily call" has a nine year old daughter.  I adore her.  She hears a narrative of my life from the
back seat of her mother's car.

My "little friend" contributed, "I love you,Rebecca,  you have a terrible love life"

I do not have a love life..I know a string of  strangers..or perhaps they are a string of  strange men

Emotional Chem Lab

I will be emotionally generous...kind,affirming and thoughtful..to beloveds and strangers alike...
through out my day.  An agenda is not self-evident when I engage in positive verbal behaviors until
a person springs a mean remark on my senses.

Then, I personify a very clear position.  My internal voice will rant a list of  actions that favored the
perpetrator of the social crime..determined that my acts should give me grace and exclude me from
public insults...

Well, an emotional chem lab does not exist..There is not a recipe of behaviors to put into a beaker
to garner results..

Seizing Moments

I met a man. He complimented my communication style. The man was armed with an I-pad.

I wish I would have asked him, to seize the moment and  to tape me.

Being more in the moment  could create a life change

Earth Angel

A woman walked up to me in a public place.  I had not met her.  She said,  " stay who you are..you are on the right path"

Her delivery embodied such a high level of determination  that I wonder if  certain encounters are
evidence of the presence of earth angels... to give us an emotional nudge when we are wading in self
doubt..

A Lone Gay Crush Broke Free..

Bouncers and gay crushes,alike, reviewed my performance as the "best in show"..One lone gay crush

broke free from the crowd and informed me the different ways I could have been better on stage..

He concluded his "friendly suggestions" by affirming his love for me..

There are times when I would like to be loved differently

Verbal Yeast

Ending a sexually charged call nearly left me stymied..fearing causing a reversal..I blurted out 

"well keep it warm"

He started making bread the next day...my words have become a verbal yeast

Partner Selection

People ask me what I want in a partner, I want a person that will understand  my references

Cursing Insomnia

I will be struggling during certain parts of my day...on the mornings when I  am slow to start the day..walking back to an empty apartment..when I need a cure from insomnia

I reach out to people that have said bad things to me.  When I am doing it..I think I know I should care that my behavior is self-destructive..alternatively, I feel relieved to have gotten through  my
rough patch with the diversion of human interaction.

Conversation conclusions are usually completed with a prayer to the heavens for it to be temporary

Universal Bargain

I bargain with the universe.  I seek an exchange of getting a better job with contributing to person's education fund..or their "how am I going to get through today fund" ...

Walking up the stairs, the thought flashed that I should use my extra money to pay people back
instead of paying it forward.

Redefining Instant Gratification

I redefined my form of instant gratification this week.   I would call men, that were a less then a stellar fit, because they are 98 percent reliable in making me laugh ..in a meaty throaty way..

My usual methods of instant gratification only divert my attention for a few minutes. Deep laughter
 changes my mood.

Yes, it  could be considered a false crutch,yet laughing with my whole body..could regain the spring
in my step

Elephent Memory

A man frequently compares my memory to an elephant.  I,only, express appreciation  for his reinforcement for my memory..no jokes at my expense..

I am displaying a hint of evolution

"My Buttofuco"

My smiles  frequently animate only half my face.  I refer it as "my buttofuco"

I DID THIS!

I have participated in  an open mic night or ten at  local comedy clubs.  Whenever people ask me about my performing side ..a clear reaction emerges from my brain...

I looked back to how I felt whenever I got off stage..I DID THIS...faced fear..

and no-one can take it away from me..

Do you look at  certain acts or behaviors and think: "I DID THIS"

First Impression

A man told me, he learned a lot from a woman's first impression.  The woman's first impression was contrary to her long lasting impression. Her impression can be rated as the right words in an abrupt costume.

The woman turned out be to kind, patient  and highlighted her generous spirit whenever she could.

He learned not to believe he knew a whole person by knowing a smaller part.

Snickers

I was sitting at my desk anticipating the eating of a snickers on my break.  Digging into my bag for my wallet, I rediscovered a letter from a treasured friend.

I stood in quiet and read my card...it lit my spirit..the joy erected from reading the loving message
made the snickers a distant memory..

Straight Forward?

My mother's friend bestowed an observation on me this morning.  She informed me that I am assertive on behalf of others while not on behalf of myself.

I view myself as straight forward more days then not...Is perception more important then reality?

Cementing Distance

My first conversation with him included a line I had always wanted to hear.  He has shown me spots of disrespect ..in response I have shown him spots of distance

Whenever I start to cement my polite distance, I think of  what he has said to me..

Waiting for the Glow

It is kind of weird. I have gotten both sides of  customer service at "my Starbucks".  One shift manager will make me feel like a million dollars and another shift manager will make me feel like
minus a million dollars.

Thinking about the diverse service, I thought, I have had relationships with men like the relationship
I have had with "my Starbucks"

Draped in conflict, waiting for the glow when I am wilted.

Unfolding

There are days when I think my girlfriends want me to be in love more then I do....Whenever I  describe a new guy to a girlfriend...she will verbally wonder if  a consuming love will blossom...

while I am suggesting that we wait to see how it unfolds..

"MEGA MEAT"

Pizza is a choice at my market deli.  A featured style of pizza is "mega meat"..the cashier will cry

to all the shoppers within hearing distance.."MEGA MEAT"! "MEGA MEAT"!  "MEGA MEAT"!


I want to shoot back, it is  a pizza...not your personal ad..

Graceful acceptance

I feel that I am aware of my strengths.  Then there are days when a person  will take in my complements with  such a  high level of grace..that I will be caught off guard by her positive reaction

I will feel a little sad for myself that I am so surprised that my words that will have such a positive

effect..

What is Realistic?

I was walking  in anger.  When  I  peeled away my feelings of anger, I felt hunger.  I felt hunger

for an interesting conversation, fulfillment and  for a knowing I was on the right path.


Life maybe unclear for all.   Is it unrealistic to expect to  feel confident in our life map?

Who's Choice

People's disrespect towards me is their choice.  Making the choice to discontinue receiving disrespect

is my choice.

Her Marriage

A woman described her marriage to me.  He beat the hell out of me, she told me. He used any reason..I really thought that the oven was clean.. I divorced him.

It was over twenty years ago, he is dead now.  I did everything I could.


....Except let yourself off the hook...  

"Jerry Maquire"

             A friend declared that I made him a better man.

  I wondered if he had been watching "Jerry Maquire"

Individual Handshake

I attended a block party.  The guest list was a group of strangers.  I walked up to the different guests,
gave my name, and extended my hand.

While watching the show, a woman approached me.  She informed me I was the only party participant to extend my hand and introduce myself.

The individuality of the moment motivated her to tell me.

Secondary

I was attending a party.  A female guest was urging a form of a romantic interest in a mutual friend.

She pleaded: he is very funny

I shot back: I do not care if he is funny..I care if he is comfortable in his own skin..because everything else is secondary

Jesus Christ

While talking with a client, he asked, me, what I knew of  Jesus Christ?

I responded, I have heard things

Alitude of Shame

I have moments throughout my day when I experience emotional peaks of shame about my behavior.

The peak will reach such a height..a feeling of  being weighed down by a level of shame..that I have to resign  from being at such an  altitude of self loathing..

I frequently wonder if feeling emotionally weighed down will literally weigh down my body

Reducing My Overthinking

I talk to a woman friend daily.  She frequently declares that people do not have to figure her out and she does not have to figure other people out during the course of our conversations.

Hearing this repeated phrase has proven to be a subtle programming..with the right timing..the preliminary layer of absorption is reducing my overthinking..a BIG development!

Joy Slick

I powered a man to rise to the occasion. In the midst of  his joy slick, he asked what I desired..

A turkey bacon,low fat cheese on a whole wheat English muffin breakfast sandwich from Starbucks

To Many Gifts

A man asked me out for an Italian meal.  When I followed up, he announced that he did not care either way.

I have to many gifts to spend time with a person that does not care if he in is my company.

Swerving Dervish

A male co-worker's compliments of my appearance would drift into our nearly daily conversations.
Being weak, I briefed the development to a friend.  My initial report quickly swepted me into a swerving  dervish of dialogue coaching sessions..at one point, she offered to texted me lines to weave into my interactions with the man of the hour..

Fearing fear would stop me from a potentially life changing experience..I charged ahead.. only to discover that liking me was not even in the back of his mind..

Sitting in the quiet..with the coaching sessions a memory..I wondered if I even liked him

Wild Trip?

While I was participating in a job interview, I was asked what my wildest trip was..he described camping in the Grand Tetons..

I don't know..a lesbian bar in Boston

Package Deal

A smoothie of a gent confirmed the prettiness of my lips.  I chatted up the social development
with a guy in my social circle.

Verbally wondering why the smoothie wouldn't make it a package deal and include my outstanding
eyes.

His social commentary was, "Guys  just are  not that deep"

Bombing?

I can be conflicted about asking  people to be in the audience when I perform comedy. Fearing a bad performance..resulting in feeling really BAD that people took the time to see me ... Then a friend
pointed out..it is not all about the laughter it is also about the fact that you get up on stage and TRY!


Life is about perspective

"Begging for Attention"

A good friend gave me an eye-opener today.  She asserted that  contacting people that
do not recognize me is "begging for attention"..

A new way to consider a behavior may be a new opportunity for change..

Half-deaf

A friend has proven to be a dream of a traveling companion. I was anxious that my sleep pattern would keep her awake. 

Then I realized she was half deaf, my friend may not have heard a peep..

Caramelized Words

I had started engaging in conversations with an acquaintance. The words he used to describe me would be caramelized with a layer of healing that nourished my motivation to thrive. 

Then..during one conversation ..He submitted a blistering evaluation ..

I know..intellectually..that I am entitled to having the healing without the hurting..

Now..I must put it into practice

Not About That

A co-worker said,in a most reassuring tone, that a mutual co-worker liked me.  It is not about if a person likes me it is about whether I LIKE the person.

EarShot

I have been having a specialized experience in the displays of human interaction.  People that maintain a role in my life are engaging in conversations about me in all ranges of my ear shot.  I did not have a reaction to the act of talking about me, I had a reaction to their selected words.

Negative Editing

I could be ready to make a change.  In the name of venting, I report stories of people's mistreatment of me.  It can serve as an indirect way to put myself down and give permission to others to also put me down.

Talking to a friend, I actively edited negative stories from my converstion.  I have hope that a my new behavior will hold.

Hoola Hoop

I am loosing weight.  The waist of my pants are starting to feel like a hoola hoop.  Wondering if the
bagginess of my cotton pants makes me look like I yearn to be a gang member. And just what
would my initiation be?

Condescending?

When people classify me as condescending...I ask them if they know the definition of condescending

Elevating Positions

I am in daily contact with a woman that volunteers information about her friends.  Whenever she introduces a friend,in conversation, she elevates their professional position.  Slotting a friend as a
veterinarian when he is a veterinarian's technician.

I do not question her descriptions because I feel it is more important for her to convey the discussed
image then for me to correct them.

Messiness

During the first year after my mother's death, I showed my most messy self to a male friend.  We are now in infrequent contact. 

A goldfish of a thought will swim in my emotional waterway. A want to have a meal and show my less messy side and my  more peaceful side....then I was thinking I am almost convinced his personality draws out my messy side...So I may never  have such a desired moment with him  

Unguarded

My market manager will sidle up to me with a dead on observation and I will burst out with a loud booming laugh. 

My ability to surrender into the freedom of  the unguarded movement of  laughter is one of  my favorite self parts.

Plowing Through Unpleasantness

I have a bad history with a woman that I must continue to interact with through-out my week. I would plow through the unpleasantness of her voice during each call.  One day, I overheard her use the same tone of voice with a friend..it occured to me that her voice may not always be in connection with me... 

Putting Jeanie Back in the Bottle

I am known for(maybe to) engaging of the people that cross my path at "my stripmall".  The engagement had a subtle start..a smile or a wave, friendly observation, expression of concern for me in dark parking lot..and then the communication easily became to elastic...

How to learn to put the Jeanie back in the bottle..

Gilda Radner Quote

Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

DELICIOUS AMBIQUITY...   by Gilda Radner

during anxiety peaks, I take refuge in the lack of certainity..

Sexually Flavored

A friend, during a sexually flavored conversation, informed me that he can go from sundown to sunset.

How does "daylight saving time" figure into that?

Material Comforts

A friend informed me that he considered me extremely attached to my material comforts. The statement invited me to compile a list of must haves...Asking myself what would give me true anxiety if I walked through my days without them..

A rough draft of my list could be: tooth brush,tooth paste, hair brush, water cup, library card, (maybe a) bed

What would be on your list?  

" But I woulda"

Ranting to a friend : "I would be following up..I just do not get it.."

My friend: " it is not about how you would react..it is about being able to accept the other person's reaction"

"One Size Fits All"

Relationships with food are personal. All rules do not apply to all people.  My relationship with food began to evovle when I  listened to my inner voice more and to people less.

A friend asked me for advice regarding size reduction and I abstained.  There are no "one size fits all" rules
to learning  how to become our best selves.

Having Right Now!

I was complaining to a friend about my past behavior.  Kvetching about feeling stupid.  She reminded me
that I could not do anything to change the past..ALL I HAVE IS RIGHT NOW!

"Praise Me"

I greeted a man that crosses my path at different points of my week.  He requested that I praise him.  It would have been so easy, for me, to hop into that role.  Wondering if I would empty  a part of my spirit by giving and not receiving stopped me.

Our fingers brushed

Dimes,pennies and quarters spilled out on the counter.  My hands stopped the change from clinking onto the floor and his hands sprung to defend his side of the counter. 

Our fingers brushed each other..not quite holding hands ..maybe another time

Our Inner Magic

Several days of my week, A certain man crosses my path.  He has requested the nickname of  "magic".  Complying quickly, I thought...we all have magic inside of us..he is claiming his... 

WaterProof

I spent a cabride crying in the blackness of the backseat.   My fortune was that I was wearing waterproof
mascara.

Good Phone with a Dear Friend

I partnered my morning with a talk with a dear friend. We talked about how my eating habits may reflect my reaction to a lifestyle change.  I have an attitude of gratitude for her contribution of observations. I am passing them onto you..

My Friend:  We are all emotional eaters..our choice and portion of food varies..we,all, have different eating habits...we,just, can not impose them on other people..

Schools Of Thought

It can be easy to talk ourselves out of  taking a different route in life. Grasping any school of thought that can  be a perfect fit for an arguement not to change...not having an ideal work history to change jobs..not leaving
a relationship because an inability to live a lone..what if I look bad?

Our lives could become better by leaps and bounds. Do you want to take that chance? I do not

One turning into Two

While completing my evening with a walk, I realized that I had not spent my day beholden to my vices

Perhaps..one day will turn into two days...

Uneven Application

A coworker exclaimed: Rebecca, your make-up is so evenly applied!..I thought: Funny, I usually try unevenly apply my make-up...

Emotional Eater

A woman asked me if I was an emotional eater.  I was caught off guard by the question because I have transitioned from being an emotional eater to a healthier eater.  Shame is not at the root of my desire to not confirm specific labels during my current stage of life.  It is,more, about feeling if the label truly applies myself or not...

Calculating my Self Compass

A relative from my youth would frequently tell me that I expected to much from people. This would inbalance my requests of behavior from the people in my adult life. I would waver between asking to little and being agressive in what I required of my friends. I have,yet, to find a happy medium..I am confident that I am on the road to finding peace.

Shooting the Messenger

A male aquaintance and I would fall into life discussions. We fell out of talking when our schedules changed. He contacted me and revealed that he missed me. I could not match his emotion. Declaring him brave while awakening to the fact that it is more about the teller of the message then the message

Perhaps Not

A man called me to arrange a blind date. We exchanged "get to know you" stories. I introduced each story with "are you ready"..perhaps he was not I never heard from him again

Good Words Coming at the Right Times

Getting a text from an outgoing friend surprised me. She shared that my friendly voice messages were very meaningful and helpful to her. Ironicly,I almost did not contact her because she is a very social person with a vast support system. Her teaching is that good words are almost always needed and come at the right time

All Else..Blather

People will contact me and give me "friendly suggestions"on how to be different or question my inner voiced messages. I must realize that the only voice I must listen to is my own inner one..other voiced messages that do not feel right are to be considered blather

Becoming Lighter

I was raised by a relative that did not answer me. Being raised this way has resulted in my reacting when I observe people not answering other people. My workplace is a room with cubicles and people frequently verbally reach out to their co-workers over the temporary walls. When people did not answer..I would walk over to the desk of the non-answering co-worker and ask him to respond. Last night,I began to think this is becoming a lot of work ... reminded myself that I have the choice to become lighter and let this behavior go.. Finding the most important answer

Blind Reactions

I, reported a paycheck not being in the mail, to a friend. When I finished the report with,"I guess it was forgotten to be mailed", she asked why I had to assign motive.

I was completely unaware that I was doing that. It is a gift when my eyes are opened
to my blind reactions.

With Myself

I am being hit with the same question among my potential gentleman callers. The dominant question is about my most significant past relationship. I must confess that my most important relationship is and was with myself.

Retract

Feeling like a rare gift and lampooning myself are not united behaviors. I have begun to verbally retract, any easy houmer made at my expense, prompty after execution to the listener. I fear that I may be able to retract my words from my conversation..not from my image. Where there is change, there is hope.

Dreamy

Complementing behavior has the power to guide people to take more positive life routes. Hearing an impressive gent state that he would like to be considered dreamy during a recent word exchange,(and he totally is) lead to my clear arrival that complementing carries,for me, the same weight as a religion or a declared belief system may have in another person's life. A friend called me,today, to discuss high school. I verbally wondered how my self- defeating behavior would have been altered if one adult pulled me aside and informed me of my worthiness of respect from others and myself. Pointing out people's value can change lives..try it!

Selfish?

I was thinking about a woman I used to know. On the surface, she appeared very demanding and selfish. When I got to know her, I discovered that she craved to be loved and affirmed. Perhaps selfish people travel the earth with a profoundly deep need to be loved..yet do not trust the effectiveness of a more direct communication route

Old Charges

I was verbally asigning bad traits, to my personality, in a teasing manner with a friend. when the friend departed, I realized my negative evaluations were not applicable anymore. They are old charges..I contacted the friend and retracted the statements. He agreed with me.

Brain Pool

I have moments when a primal need to cry will come over to me like an ocean wave over a sandbar I will grapple for a reason for the emotional soaking..nothing will swim in my brain pool..then a lighthouse will appear..bottom lining emotions is not mandatory..acting natural is..

Lightbulb!

It was suggested to me that my chosen ways to reduce anxiety may create anxiety in the people that surround me. LIGHTBULB!

Avenues of Communication

An aquaintance stopped me to chat. He informed me that he thinks of my different collections of words and it makes him smile. GEE WHIZ! how dreamy to hear. Do you know what also would be dreamy? Pointing out the different ways the people,in our lives, have had positive effects on us. Let's create a glorious chain reaction though all types of avenues of communication.

About Sundays

I was talking deeply with a debonair gent at Starbucks. (where else,right?) When departing, he asked how I liked to spend my Sundays? I loved the simple humanity of the question.

Victory Bloomed

I had a nice set at a comedy club. Got back to my "ghetto pad"...was in the midst of cleaning it..when I walked by a mirror ..and looked at myself and responded to the reflection, "You are doing the best you can".. A personal victory bloomed

Goals

I do not love myself enough to walk away from certain people in my life. It is time to set the goal of expecting respect in return for mine...my new theme song may start to be Aretha Franklin's "Respect"

Being Released

I do not go away quietly. This has served me in the work place. This has not always served me in the social place. Continuing to seek people out when they have appeared to have released me. Sometimes, I fear I will not change.

Co-Worker

Listening to a narrow minded,negative co-worker complain teaches me how not to be.

Still Listening

Adhering to the negative evaluations of people that I,no longer, deem worthy of being in my life..means that eventhough they are not in my life..I am still listening to them.

Constant

I must not engage in a self-defeating reaction to other's behavior because I am the constant and the surrounding people are the variables.

Turning it Over

I broached the subject of the effects of a person's anger. He became angry and attacked me. A few days later, he informed me that his supervisor asked him about the effects of his anger in the work place. I wondered if it was an example of: turning it over and letting the universe address it.

Face Down

Seeing a man's head, face down, on a fast food chain's table almost instantly filled me with a lucky feeling. Perfecting the position that however I wanted to be..however I wanted my life to be.was within my reach.

Exchange of Variables

I decided to reject my nightly cigarette. No cigarettes for a whole day and night. I expected a misery equal to camping in the rain..no misery..no white knuckling.. Then again, I did cave to a craving of mints..an exchange of variables

Without Reluctance

A cabdriver informed me that he has said to past girlfriends, " GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE", and the women would always return to him without reluctance. I felt sad for the women.

Growing Hope

Reading a novel entitled,The End of Everything, has triggered me to think of the times that I had to declare "the ending of everything"...a selling of a house, the departure of a friend or family member, a school transfer.. When I am feeling grey about my future, I turn to my "ending of everything" periods and remember that the change was a planting of a bulb of blossoming. The reflection grows hope.

Hating is a Waste!

A man and I were getting to know each other. He informed me that he hated his voice. I thought hating anything about myself is a waste of time. SIDENOTE: MY VOICE IS INTOXICATING!

A Window to Alone Time

The qualities of my parents are starting to become my own. My father and I emotionally demand specificly planned alone time on sundays..only a recent need for me.. I,now, copy my mother's need to be positioned near a window...an ability to look out was crucial to her..I opt to look out Starbucks' windows whenever I can..

"Mexican Barbie"

A large hispanic woman entered "my market" costumed in a t-shirt branded with "MEXICAN BARBIE" ..Ins't believing the first step to manifesting?

Different Days, Different Reasons

I may not be lonely for him anymore. Different days could bring a hundred different reasons to pick up the phone to call him...I realized, today, reasons have stopped being part of my self dialogue.

Points Deducted

A relative expressed remorse over past behavior he directed towards me. My emotions were enveloped with feelings of a break-through..then I remembered he had dementia and points would probadly be deducted in the game of life.

Stopping Mid-Answer

My giving of advice was a key purpose of a relationship. He is requesting less advice and I am using it as an opportunity to train myself to listen and react with a neutral attitude. I am stopping myself mid-answer to change my answer.

New measurements

A friend measured my body parts for proof in their size of reduction. The change in my measurements also gave me a new measure of confidence in my social decision making skills because over-eating was a sympton of being socially "ill at ease".

Raining Joy

Cards from key people in my life are tucked in a glass cabinet. The cards became like wallpaper during my daily experience. Feeling sad, I plucked and reread the different ways I had improved friend's lives. there is no expiration date on written positive thoughts..before I reread the last card a dark emotional cloud was lifted and joy began to rain...

Individual Personal Power

I informed a friend that he could always call on me to remind him of his individual personal power. Empowering the people in our lives empowers us.

Emotional To-Do List

Last night, I dreamt that I was interupting and talking over people's words. So I,now, have to work on my emotional to-do list while both asleep and awake?

Stripped

Next week brings the two events of a blind-date and performing stand up..sometimes one in the same..if you catch my drift..I am stripped of all fear. Being free of fear flashed me with the wonder of what we miss out on when fear stops us.

"Barely Hanging On"

Talking to a friend imprinted me with an invaluable view. She stated that most people are barely hanging on, which does not leave them much more to reach out to friends or participate in general social interaction.

Good Question

A new aquaintance started the conversation with the question: " what do you like about yourself"..I love that question

Calming Words

I just got a new attitude. It would bother me when negative coments would bother me. A person in a public driven job informed me that there are days when he has the grace to move on and other days take longer. Hearing his words were calming.

Valued Team Members

Most of my history with a part-time position has been a practice of insular work habits. I entered the call center with limited greetings and did not digest my co-workers names or words. My engagement was with my supervisors regarding asignments and productivity. The callcenter is facing a series of deadlines. The center's staff complains and cancels. Meeting deadlines are a struggle..I am letting the negative attitudes of other workers affect me and I hate it about myself..I need to work on it ...I want to be on a team where everyone values their participation in completing a project.

Prom Date

I had two prom dates. I spent the evening hydrated and stretched.

Emotional Petals

I greeted a man sitting next to me at "my Starbucks", greeting turned into teasing. We exchanged notes of laughter. He thanked me for starting the conversation and giving him an opportunity to laugh. The power of kindness can change a self view which can change a life view. There have been days when it was hard to leave my apartment and took most of my might to raise my hand to wave to people. The consistant kindness of barristas and the cashiers at "my market" unfolded my emotional petals. Never underestimate the power of the effect of your words ..

Old School It

I reported to an old friend about having an onset of social anxiety. I explained to her about having moments of raw behavior ...subtle human movement..subliminal emotional expressions.. all factors in an equation that totals a display of appearing to not feel deserving.. I pleaded, "how can I change behavior that I do not know I am exhibiting"? She said select empowering affirmations and place them on your mirror..at the end of the day..state what you did well that day...think of a word or affirmation to tell yourself when social anxiety starts to spring.. Getting off the phone, I thought, right, I will have to "old school it"

A Love to Grieve?

Whenever I heard of a wife becoming a widow,during the first of my life, I would be struck dumb by the grief of it all. I mean,particularly, if the wife liked her spouse. Now I have moments of grief wondering if I will have a love to grieve?

Alone Beauty

I am starting to notice the beauty of spending time a lone is that I am less distracted by people's coments to me about me. The quiet time enables me to train myself to take a moment and listen and execute my instincts.

Good Advice

I was kvetching to a friend regarding my reaction to a person's coment about me and to me. Telling her, I should not have let it bother me..I gave my power away to her by engaging in a hurt reaction. She gently guided me by saying it is understandable to be hurt..it is okay to let yourself feel what you are feeling.. Hey yeah..

Perceptions

Two women viewed my behavior in the same place during the same period of time completely differently. One reaction was entirely negative while the other reaction was completely positive. People's reactions to us may have more to do with the viewers perception of life or themselves then us. I must remember that there can be as many perceptions of us as there is people.

Job Fueled Lifestyles

Standing near a buffet table, chatting with a party guest. telling her that the homeless people in McDonalds help me with cutting and pasting, she gushed the homeless people help me with training my dog in the park. Homeless people had job fueled lifestyles prior to a major change..

How a Reader changed my Life

I love getting and reading blog reader's coments. A key coment may have changed my life. A reader sent me a warning, "emotional dumping and withholding is social warfare", regarding my relationships. He perfectly described my story of communication with the "favorite" people from my formative years. I was always in conflict regarding moving on from certain people because raw closeness was generated by their opening up to me. The same people would retreat when I needed a listener. The perfected worded description seeded an awareness to be on the look-out.

Onward and Upward

A woman complimented my low level of emotional investment in certain familial developments. I responded with the report that my friends bring me higher. Discusions with my friends always have a patina of "onward and upward" .. It is crucial to encircle oneself with motivating friends..and people that are happy for you when you succeed..

Like kid,Like an Adult

The first part of my employment in the classroom, I would get pained whenever the kids exhibited certain behavoral patterns. finishing my sentences, hanging out with a poor choice of friends, holding on to negative feelings and displaying a lack of self control...I do all of that and I am in my forties. I am willing to bet that a lot of other adults do too. Having this realization softened my stress and dressed me in empathy for their heartbreaks.

Waxing of my Legs and Coloring of my Hair

A recent online job application included a goal section. Greeting a key question, "how does the job you are applying for enable you to a desired field placement" with wanting a smart respectable response..my only dominant thought was that I wanted a job to pay for the waxing of my legs and the coloring of my hair.

Penetrating Questions

I attended a party this past week-end. A party guest asked me if I had ever been in a relationship. He progressed the conversation by asking me if I had intercourse. All penetrating questions.

Nursing his Indifference

My heartbreak is waning. I am questioning the end of the relationship less..not believing that I will ever stop wondering why he rejected me.. I do,STILL, text him because nursing his indifference is my only connection with him and I am not ready to give that up yet.

History Imprinted Human Behavior

Walking through "my Starbucks'" gallery, being a party guest this weekend... Thinking about my behavior and how it reflects my reaction to my mother's health issues..my weekend composed of people that did not know me during my life before a failing parent was apart..The party host reflected defensively on my behavior..I started to explain my history behind my human style..she laughed it off as my over-thinking.. We all bring a history to human iteractions..and it frequently has nothing to do with the person linked with the interaction.

Solicitation?

Needing some wei fei me time, I jumped into the shower. I threw on my pajamas and ran to "my Starbucks". Aproaching the major avenue of "my Starbucks",..in my jammies which consists of a green t-shirt to my knees and black loose pants.. a policeman put a million wattage light in my face while shouting "ARE YOU STOPPING CARS"? A cabdriver informed me that I was being questioned for solicitation. If I was going to choose to solicit drivers, I would have blown dried my hair.

Just Don't

Whenever I apply my powder, I continue to feather my face with my brush..over and over again on every facial feature and through out my face. I realized that I was trying to rub my face off..Adults will discuss my face from my pores to my eyebrows.. Even on my best days, a portion of my cells will carry a portion of it with me. Adults always say that they are doing it in the name of helpfulness,thoughtfulness and love. And I say, JUST DON'T.

Learning to be in the moment

A person negatively evaluated me this week. I was not upset with him. I was upset with myself for lettting it happen..I did not walk away ..catch a cab or bring the conversation to an end..I stood there and listened while he told me what was wrong with me.. I must learn to be and react more in the moment..

"Popping of a Pimple"

I have watched a youtube clip of a pimple being popped....it was more like a lancing of a cyst..but I digress..I always viewed inanimate things as having human qualities ..so whenever I think of the "popping of a pimple" video..I think of how that puss must have been itching to break free..it must have felt really trapped...

A Place of Hope

I performed last night. I spent some of my words in my verbal budget talking about my relationship with Starbucks or as my friend calls it the "Bux Cafe". An audicience member followed me out of the club room to express that the Bux cafe sounds like a place of hope for me. It is ..purely a place of anticipation and acceptance

"One of the Guys"

A man I see several times a week frequently coments on women's looks in my company. He would give detailed descriptions of what was wrong or right with a series of female's appearances. I have informed him that his words on this topic offend me. He always acted flumoxed by my reaction. This week, He cracked the code..he said that he verbally views women the way he does.. is because he views me as "one of the guys"

His Mother's Sister

A week-end started with a thought of asking an aquaintance about his mother. I fought the conversation starter because I had not met his mother..we had rarely discussed his mother..it could seem wierd..odd.. The question persisted in my brain..until sunday night when he informed me his mother's sister died over the week-end.

Victory was not Mine

I applied to a national company. A human resource manager reacted overnight. Two online skill tests were passed. An interview was scheduled. I have rarely felt as confident as I did before,during,and after the interview that the job was mine..I walked into the building with my inner voice singing "victory is mine"..The last time I felt this way, I got the job. Victory was not mine. I got an email and phone call. I wanted to surrender into a sob..tears did not come..instead I told myself that it was valuable interview practice. I am unclear..I was erected on the concept that if a person feels it..visualize and declare oneself worthy..it is theirs to have.. onto to the next thing..

Dream Laughing

I hang out and interact with healthy versions of my parents in my dream sleep. Waking up to the awareness that my parents are in altered states is an abrupt slap to my overview of life. no points of wisdom are remembered ..no key advice was given to me ..only a memory of laughter remained In the future, I will smile from dream laughing and not feel slapped from waking up to real life.

"Like"

I say the word,"like", constantly. I was completely unaware of the verbal tick until a co-worker pointed it out to me. I am, only now, slightly aware when I say "like" prior to each of my words. How can I change a verbal pattern, when I am unaware when I am engaging in the pattern..this could be tricky

Emotional Pixels

I had a random reconnection with a person from my recent past. She immediately pointed out a quality she liked about me. I believe the more we reinforce our positive behaviors and focus less on our negative behaviors.... Our talents will fuel a spirit that will light the world like the pixels on a T.V screen and our poor habits will fade from our human monitors.

Feeling Super Lame

I feel super lame that I let this affect me. A co-worker rejected my need for help with a wordless shake of the head. He reported his victory to his cubicle neighbors..his reason was lost in a wispering vapor. I felt like I had returned to a grade school playground..my stomach tightened and I insisted on remaining silent around him and his work mates.. I was more upset by my reaction to his behavior then his behavior..normally I would wish the person well and release it.. maybe it is my strep throat not talking

Army of Opinions

I asked an associate for content suggestions for letters to an army private. She asked me how well I knew him. I explained to her that I did not know him..her mother requested letters and I am known for my letter writing ..so it seemed like an easy fit..I was struggling with feeling that whatever I write is trivial in comparison to his daily life She declared my writing a person I had not met as wierd. A former me would have asked several people if my behavior was wierd or not..my current version is making the indiviual choice regarding writing an army private I must mark my progress to lessen the days when I want to lay down

Empty Hands, Empty Stomach

A man aproached my table with empty hands and an empty stomach. I gave him the remaining change in my wallet and pointed him to the value menu. A woman yelled at me for giving the man the money...her voice represented the words of my brain when I was passing out the money to the man.. "save the money" The man never bought any food.

One Night, One Conversation

I will meet a person in a starbucks' line..a holiday party or an airplane and have an exquisitely rich conversation. The same houmer and awareness of references are shared and then they disapear. My only forsenicly clear expectation is that I want more of it..all other expectations could be worthy of smog alert.. I am starting to focus on swallowing the concept of taking in the life moments and be grateful for the joy of the laughter..instead of asking why the conversation was fleeting

Fresh View

A friend captured my talking face on video. I felt strange watching myself..my neck and arms were out there for everyone to see..my nose looked like it could have been airlifted from my father's face..and I appear to have the same haircut as my mother in late 1980s. Seeing myself from a new angle created a fresh view..

Asse Talk

Everyday people talk out of their asse and I must not let their asse talk distract me. I, to easily, hand over my emotions in reaction to unsolicited and uninformed opinions regarding certain upcoming life events. They turn out to be wrong and my inner voice will turn out to be right. I must remember this and keep it in the front of my mind daily.

Emotional Trifecta

A friend informed me that I come off as a bitch that is both hysterical and hard on myself...just the emotional trifecta I was shooting for...

I am Afraid

I am afraid. I work everyday to advance progress on goals. Advancement is not clear am I not smart in how I go about creating progress. How I will know..I have asked the universe and people..Society is not stepping up to the plate to display positive life signs... How does a person know if they are on a train that is moving forward or on a train that is stuck on the tracks.

Hibernate in my Successes

getting ready to perform stand up comedy was rooted in fear. Every aspect was terrifying and it made me physically sick. I would sit outside and smoke with an inability ..to the point of being a mummy..of making small talk with anyone.. I have lightened up..I hibernate in my successes and slough off my failures..Stand up can be fun now..I breath in the positive reaction that the crod gives me. it is silly what we do to ourselves

Shutting it Down

A friend woke up me this week. When discussing how the person teaching me to put a picture on a website reacted negatively to the picture, my friend requested a change in human behavior. He wondered why the person did not strictly teach the procedure without the petty evaluations. The question forced me to think about how I get side tracked with addressing petty evaluations...instead of shutting it down

Reliving Conversational History

I have treated certain conversations with a certain male friend as continuations of certain word exchanges of married relatives Sitting on a loveseat watching cable and chatting with a male friend was the scene for my reliving of conversational history. I asked my couch companion if I was talking to loud to the point of annoyance..he would say no and I would not accept the answer and release it..I kept asking and interupting the natural rhythm of our hang out wording. I realized,later, I had witnessed the same voiced concerns during my formative years.

The Individual Approach

Performing stand up comedy,writing a blog, and cold calling are all forms of seeking acceptance from the unknown massess. I have decided to practice the individual approach..subtract self-loathing from each day until it becomes a foriegn concept.

"This Game"

GIRL: My parents would tell their friends that it was a shame that I was born. BOY: Yeah,well my parents told me,to my face, that they wish I hadn't been born. GIRL: I never win at this game.

Worthy of a Smile

Reacting to a client's smile brought me directly back to the first time I was in the rays his smile. I spat out verbal chunks of nervousness during our encounters..both my verbal and body language was defensive... When I engage in our convos, he smiles at me like..I am only the person in a crowded room..like he had never heard anything as exceptional as what was expounding from my mouth. NOW..I feel worthy of the spectacular smile..

Gift of Fear

Performing stand up comedy has been a transforming emotional experience. I used to overthink every aspect of my performance and use the petty evaluations for self loathing. Friends pointed out that I was showing up for my fear by appearing on stage. The gift of facing my fear melted my self loathing in more areas then comedy. Are you showing up for your fear?

Efficient Learning

I am beginning to adapt to a fresh learning process. My current lifestyle has fueled a motivation to unite my brain with viable material for a better daily life while stripping away the unneeded information. wanting to learn to be efficient in how I learn

Random Cruelty

Meeting Harry made me angry. He is in his nineties with a full set of marbles. My mother was forbidden from her set of marbles. The random cruelty of dementia can make me angry.

Not Yet

I have learned not to wonder why he rejected me. I have learned not to contact
him.

I have not learned how not to want to call him to relay a story that I think only
he would understand....not yet

Other Mothers

A part of my life was devoted to searching for older women to collect for opportunities to extract "life experience" rooted advice. Wanting to relive being
on a mother's couch or in a mother's kitchen being armored with their home cooking and their self strengthening outlook.

A recent crop of older women invoked a powerful need to,in me, break free from their classifications of me...

I realized that they may have more experience at life...yet I had more experience
learning how to be me

Green T-Shirt

My security blanket and I are on borrowed time. I wear a green t-shirt to work, to Starbucks and to sleep..sometimes all in the same day..the source of cotton hangs down to my knees and when I was due to attend a ladies lunch I paniced because even I know a
cartoon large garment was not suitable for such an encounter..

The size of the t-shirt represents the size of my wonderment of whether I am on the right life course...or maybe when I am fearful about my selection of my course of action..I want to turn to a reliable comfort

Martin Luther King's dream

Standing near the jungle gym watching black,hispanic and white kids playing games on the grass. I realized I was witnessing Martin Luther King's dream. Kids of all colors judging each other by their character not by the color of their skin.

Male Call

I am a profilic sender of notes,letters and cards. Men exhibit a much larger attitude of gratitude..certain men have expressed a sadness at finding their mailbox sans a card from me. Do you think that written cards and notes are considered refreshing in the male world? What about using a card to break the ice with a certain male friend?..let me know the results rebecca.shea@yahoo.com..or release a few words in the coment posting

To Many Cookies

Entering a Subway or Paradise Bakery near closing time apprears to be a societal invitation to have dozens of cookies thrust in my face. The cookie pusher accompanies her pushing of the cookies or coupon for free cookies across the counter while whispering "there are so many cookies ..u might as well take them...we will just throw them away". I am requesting a reduction or a moratorium on the corporate baking of SO MANY COOKIES A dozen cookies were inflicted on me and mantained the chain by inflicting them as a hostess gift when visiting a friend.

"Next Time"

A man rejected me. Thinking about the next time we would talk flooded my thoughts. I thought about telling him stories that only him would understand. We did, finally, connect. It was a let down. My vision of the "next time" turned out to be better then the actual interaction with the actual partner.

Past Rebecca

Crumbling under the shame of wearing new balance tennis shoes on their last laces. I broke down and popped into the marshalls clearance shoe section. Bouncing in the absorption of new shoes, I began to absorb how I once was... A past rebecca would pop into the same marshalls and tour clearance areas for myself and others. Walking out of marshalls and into a picture show was my cure for feeling powerless. My whole field trip was narrated with my declaring that it was okay that I was not soaring..concluding all my thoughts with classifying myself as fortunate I see my current self tapping the shoulder of my former self in the clearance section..saying: YOU CAN AND WILL SOAR..DREAM BIGGER..DO NOT LET OTHERS DICTATE THE SIZE OF YOUR DREAM...

Starting Midstory

Saying hello appears to be a tricky word for me to utter. I start my phone conversations mid-story. Most of my e-mails are without a greeting. I tend to wait until the other person says hello first and then I respond accordingly. My verbal stuck wheel in the mud also applies to my work day. Walking through the hallway without having to say hello to my employer relaxes my whole body. Hey let's not just stop at verbal greetings..there are days when having to put my hand up to acknowledge the Starbucks shift supervisor feels monumental. I have begun practicing saying hello first to the Starbucks "partners"..it is my safe place after all

"Cold Greet"

Choosing a seat in a row a booths identical to a row of cars outside a drive-through window. I began chatting with the back of the man's head in the booth directly in front of me. Our talk was concluded with my proclaiming that he will truly love my blog and giving him my blog link. The relationship started with wei fei and ended with a "cold greet"

Line of seduction

"Tell me everything about yourself..I want to hear everything" is a most seductive line. The seduction is richer when a long-term friend says it because they know the length and the width of what can emerge from my mouth.

His Emotional Timeline

I was prodding a person to plant seeds for a change. He was resistant. I realized he is performing on his emotional timeline not mine.

Free Dance

Watching kids dance to disco, every color of the rainbow came across my face. Glistening with happiness for the boys and girls while having an envy for how free their physical movements were Watching them inspired me..to be free

Don't Imply them

A friend emailed me. She wrote that she thought I was amazing and she wanted me to know that. I exhale with a confident peace whenever I interact with her. Express your feelings for your friends..do not imply them

Cheeseburgers

I was blinded with cravings for fast food produced cheeseburgers. Eating my non-processed Starbucks' diet did not stave off the craving. I went to a fast food drive-through at night. I,finally, had to ask my driver to stop driving me.

Getting Through

Judging and being petty of other's behavior can be listed as a special skill on my resume. A lot of my complaints are about people not responding to my "reach outs" in a timely manner. I must take in that people are trying to get through..

Singular Lines

Books are one of my more intimate companions because of certain singular lines in the contents of my selected books. There will always be a line that perfectly illustrates how I am feeling without knowing how to express it. I read the line,last night, in Little Bee: "don't let life happen to you"

Ease of the Mouth

Hearing co-workers quoting their co-workers reminds me to be careful in how I conduct my verbal self. My ear was struck by the ease of the person's mouth. Quiet times or group discussions are a fertile work time for sharing tidbits. Practicing thinking before I speak enables prevention. "MIRROR MIRROR"

What would Jesus order?

Wanting to colour my participation in a speed-dating event with armed planned questions. My goal was to create neutral questions that would elicit temperment..show me how he would be like while in line waiting for concessions at the movies.. The key questions in my holster were "what side dish would jesus order"? OR "what would jesus order off the menu"?

Treating Myself as I Treat Others

I was calling friends to fast-track a friend's resume. Reacting to a string of compliments regarding my resume..BREAKTHOUGH MOMENT...Why am I not sending my resume to my friends to be viewed for a placement with a company. Treating myself as I treat others could blow my life wide open

"Sad Sack"

My almost daily trek to Starbucks invited the report that I had hurt a barrista's feelings. My crime was asigning him the classification of "sad sack". When you meet him..you will see that there is no wiggle room to this knickname.. his posture and facial expressions define "sad sack" Feeling an imediate need to undo my emotional damage..I staked out the dumpster and expressed contrition..he shrugged his shoulders ..as only a "sad sack" would

Storage Space

I have a storage space in the back of my mind. things to do..pick up the post- it off the floor..securing spare apartment keys..adding pictures to computer profiles Stepping out of my quiet exterior and asking for help has been a quick route to cleaning out the storage space. I have asked fast food managers how to "cut and paste". A cabdriver taught me how to add a picture to a professional profile. Friends have agreed to keep spare apartment keys. Learning to ask for help has changed my life

Letting Go

I tend to hold on to people because they were instrumental earth teachers. The person I am holding onto could be an instrumental earth teacher of the lesson of letting go. I am a willing pupil.

Word Framing

Friends will give me advice or evaluate my behavior. I used to become hurt or annoyed when they did not purely listen and affirm my situation. I must examine my role in the conversation. How am I framing my words in conversations with my friends. I believed that I was "only" reporting or sharing my life ..one phonecall at a time.. Really I could be complaining and revisiting the same topics..my friends are only human

Laughing

Certain People are in my life...they have cause for eviction..they will call and they will make me laugh so hard. Choosing to believe that the universe will invite into my life a person that gives me both respect and laughter is a lovely feeling.

Swing Shift

Targetting the El Pollo Loco near my work for chicken and rice. My frequent visits lead me to consume a different treat, Fernando. My social fears greased the start of the relationship with reluctance. A desire to learn spanish was the curve to dance to his side of the counter. Becoming more interested in Fernando, I began meeting his friends. Maria entered my eye-line and there was an instant attraction. Talk about a SWING SHIFT

Funny Stories

I coughed, a man approached, is lung cancer a turn on?

I meant to tell a listener he was "one in a million", "you are a dime a dozen"
came out of my mouth.

A friend informed me he blew his oral exam away..succeeding at oral is always a good thing.

I forgot to recharge my mobile phone and could not understand why it would not display
power

A woman reported her waxer asking to wax other body parts..suggestive selling can get
hairy

Being Released

Being fired is being released for an opportunity to better show-off our superior gifts. The concentration being used for the former place of employment can now be focused on the creating of life's new choices.

The gas in my engine is the curiosity of what opportunities the universe will create

Favorite Things

I observed a conversational leader and her organicly recruited tribe. Her effectiveness was rooted in asking tribal members what their favorite things were..favorite ice cream..
favorite flower..favorite movie... with each favorite revealed, a story from their past was
also revealed...

This could be the real mcgoo on how to draw in a new person into our lives.

Build up of Doubt

Positive words scrub away the film build up of doubt in relationships. A supervisor reinforced my "worker bee" style of addressing my daily demands. Complements are gifts
we can all give each other.

Mirror,Mirror?

I converse with a person daily. We share the same undesirable qualities. Hearing his over thinking about specific life situations motivates me to reduce my over thinking of my
life happenings.

I wonder if he was placed in my life as an earth teacher to instill certain lessons regarding uses of concentration.

Sugar

Sugar re-entered my life as easily as seeking caffeine on my morning commute to work. Soda became a frequent commute companion. Sugar became a part of my evenings in a similarly simple way. My teeth chattered at the thought of consuming my nightly treat of fruit during winter nights. The Starbucks bakery case that had stop striking a visual note,now,
was striking most of vision.

Having been on a new culinary hiking trail for most of the last year motivates me to arrive at the other side of the mountain (again). It is not about how I look, it is about feeling in balance.

I do not want to be at the mercy of a heath bar.

Blind-Dating Starbucks

I have been cheating. Even though I have been in a committed relationship with "my Starbucks", I have begun to blind-date other Starbucks. Feeling taken for granted with
stale coffee cake and nails on the chalkboard customer service.

My eyes began to wander..becoming dazzled by the shininess of a new relationship..unlocked chairs on patio after closing..being given a free meal at closing..emotional lightness

Like most relationships..familiarity will keep me attracted.

Her Final Year

I used to talk to a female acquaintance weekly. She talked negatively about the people in her life. She died a year later. I often wonder if she knew she was entering the final year of her life...would she have had a more positive focus

Feeling Flow

My morning was flooded with a flow of feelings about my parents. I wanted to have conversations with them regarding specific life experiences. Standard operating procedure would have been to swat the melancholy away by insisting on being on the
horn..this time I sat with the feeling flow...

Safe Place

I have figured out why I am drawn to "my Starbucks"..it does not have a bad history.
Many of my key destinations are tainted with stomach tightening memories.
It also symbolizes hopeful anticipation...most of the tasks I perform there, is to advance my life goals.. Starbucks is my safe place

Joan Didion's Quote

I read the following passage in a Joan Didion book:

"I am left deciding how you are going to react to what they offer because you can't
make them change."

Deciding to accept what people can contribute to the relationship is a factor in evaluating there remaining in my life.

Forcing It

I used to force social situations. I released my desire to meet with certain friends. The universe has begun to create social opportunities for certain friends and I to reunite.

Homeless?

I will offer to buy meals for people..that I suppose are homeless...only to
discover they live in my apartment complex..

Sharon Stone's quote

Sharon Stone is quoted as saying: "Once your life burns down, it takes time to become a phoenix."

I am,now, giving myself time to be a phoenix..instead of condemning myself for not
achieving my goals in a quicker fashion

Broccoli

Broccoli should be considered a musical fruit. Why should beans have the all the power.

Full-Time Emotion

The emotion of happiness has returned to many word exchanges among a specific group of people. They inform me that I do not seem happy. I can not absorb the concept of full-time happiness. Moments of happiness are my points of self-celebration.

perhaps the moments will string together to create a full-time emotional placement.

"Sue Day"

A staff member was honored today. They presented her with her own day..we all informed her
how she made our lives better....gave her a large gift card..and of course coffee cake

I celebrated the day's organizer because she selected to focus on what was right about a
person..NOT WHAT WAS NOT..

A "Who Cares" Person

I over think a lot. It is crucial for me to have a "who cares" person in my life. A hysterical girlfriend has been granted this key role. Most mornings, we exchange daily reports and when I reveal any negative reactions to my comedy or writing.

SHE SAYS: WHO CARES? It is about whether you like it.

Liberation

This week, I spent an evening making five trips to a salvation army dumpster.

I felt emotionally lighter with each trip. Every object that immediately invoked a
bad memory was evicted from my apartment. I also removed items that generated feelings of conflict because if a purely positive feeling was not created. It also
went.

WHAT LIBERATION!

Thankful

A driver informed me that I was overly thankful and how it annoyed him.

I thanked him.

Recluse

Sweeping outside my apartment, a neighbor opened his door. The moment his eyes caught sight of me, He shut the door. Hearing the door shut, sprayed me to wonder if he was a recluse.



Hey, I like him already...the world should have more recluses.