Airport Run

Walking into the Boston airport, memories of my travel from a richer time permeated my being...My father would frequently drive me round-trip to the airport..a sadness was stirred up..

I will be able to go to Maine or Washington D.C again..My dad picking me up from the airport will not..

Inviting Smile

I was standing in the doorway of a train station with a homeless person.  We were seeking cover from a biblical rain storm...he was trying to keep his few things covered ..

I looked at him and said," it is harder when it rains"  ..

He gave me the most perfectly inviting smile..

Logical

I was prattling to a friend.." he sent me affirming messages each morning..he has a  sexual crush on another girl yet he is contacting me and not her..isn't sex king"?

My friend: " you are expecting for human behavior to be logical"

Beaver Creek

My friend's co-worker is heading to Beaver Creek after having a pap smear the previous day

Imagine That?

A man and I had a mutual acquaintance...she would ask about him and compliment him..I would pass the reinforcement to him via text..he would not acknowledge it..I took his indifference as a reflection on me..

When I asked him about it..he said," I do not believe the compliments"

Nothing to do with me..imagine that..

Bowties

AT THE STORE TONIGHT:

A man,at the register, informed me that he was buying multiple bow ties because of what I had said to him..." you said, I should follow my inner voice...when I asked you whether I should buy bow-ties"

How could such advice backfire?









"

How They Do It

It is not about how I think a person should compliment me or show appreciation for me..sometimes it is about learning how they show it..how they do it..

..A Little Sadly

Two people sent me affirming emails overnight.  I was feeling indifference from them..thought perhaps it was a rejection or as neutral as limbo..

Going to work..I was not craving my morning fix..I told myself it was because I slept in..more rested..

I just wonder..a little sadly

More Painful Part

Friendships can not be forced.  My pursuing of certain people..knowing that they do not want to create a mutual level of friendship..is self inflicting grief and sadness...

I have no-body to blame but myself and that is the more painful part.

Pleading Son

My Host and I were walking near her bedroom ..her son pleaded,"Do not show her your room", from a floor away..I did not question it..

A few days later, I informed her that I felt compassion for her son..explaining," He has to maintain a secret everyday..at school"

She embodied fury..my host reacted," I did not think I could feel any worse..until you said that"

I did not think it was about what I was saying ..I thought it was about what the son was pleading

Whitey

I am one of the few white faces among my co-workers..some of them have started to call me Becky..some to annoy me..some because they have friends that they call Becky

I am informed them that I would rather they call me "whitey" then Becky

Helpless

I have observed a big change in myself. I am no longer trying to be helpful.  On the west coast, I would insert myself into conversations with strangers (usually at Starbucks) to offer directions or tell
them where the closest branch of their bank is..

I do not do that on the east coast..perhaps there is a natural shedding of behaviors when a person is in a new place and certain behaviors are no longer expected...

Just Rub Me

A woman described getting a massage...she reported, "sometimes, when he is talking, I think

just stop talking and rub me"

Adele

I am listening to Adele sing that she would go to the end of the earth to show her love to someone..I do not feel that way about any man (right now)

WHAT A RELIEF!

Bone

I found a bone on the carpet of my host's living room  floor..I was curious what part of an animal's body it was..

Until my host served ribs for dinner

Pictures

I have started to take pictures of my every day life and text them to an out of town friend.  It has served as an excellent creative escape...which prevents me from seeking out poor social enfluences

Exit Polling

A campaign worker came into the store, his candidate was expected to be elected that night.  He informed me he was going to have a room at a four star hotel and all sexual advantages must be assumed.

Starting with the assembling of his costume for the execution of the penetration..a blazer was the first step..as he tried on different sizes ..I asked the important professional questions.." if a pen dropped, would you be able to pick it up, in that size"?

He kept repeating how much he had been working out..and so he only wanted the slim fit..I told him I hoped that the concierge arranged for a ceiling mirror to ONLY view the results of his body work.

Upon completion of the sale..I assured him that his evening would include some exit polling

Fruit

Sitting in the lobby..my commute has been completed..taking time before my opening shift..listening to beloved 80's music..eating a doughnut..I Do wonder when I look back at this time if I will wish I had the fruit.

Brunettes or Blondes

A man and I will sext though out our day..it can be the perfect work diversion..it can go on for hours..

I want him to describe what food he has eaten.."have you had any mac and cheese" "when" "what about potatoes" "baked or mashed"

He wants to know what  women I have eaten.."brunettes or blondes"

Visions Of Foster Care

When living at the host's house..I would frequently use the phone outside..I wanted to take every opportunity to be enveloped by the natural beauty of  her yard and larger area..

The second day she stated she was nervous every time I  used the phone outside..she feared that I was going to move back to Phoenix..or report her to government authorities..

I would never have done that ..even though I felt irresponsible for not contributing to the facilitation of a safer,clean place for him to live..the vision of the son,potentially, being placed in foster care always stopped me..

Marital Matchmaking

It is funny how it can creep up on you..or me..I will suggest certain female friends for a male friend of mine..

Matchmaking one couple is on my life list..so this was my opportunity to achieve and cross a line off my list of goals..and I can be tenacious about  shortening my life list.. I will offer the likes and dislikes of each other..so all will go well.."hey do this" "she would dig this" "do you want to know this about his/her personality"..all in the name of success right? creating positive change for someone else..

Sitting on the underground, it occurred to me that I committed the same behavior with the same intensity with my parents.." you know,mom, dad needs quiet time" "mom, he will not read that"

"Dad, mom does like not gifts from that store".."why don't you take mom to the movies"

Volcano of Garbage

The host informed me she was ready to make a change.  I wanted to help..I thought it would be a powerful human experience..I wanted to make use of each of my vacant days prior to starting my new job.

We started in the kitchen..she had a dustpan that looked like a kin to a shovel..she would sweep the large pieces of paper into the the yellow large cavity..I would hold different things up and ask if the
items were still viable..or past due..all still unwrapped..

As we worked together..she spoke excitedly of how she would feel once the debris was removed and a fresh start would begin..I wanted it for her..

Discovering the range of what had erupted from an,appearing, volcano of garbage was stunning...decade old licenses..hair products..trip mementos..and  then WE SAW IT:

A PACKAGE OF RAW HAMBURGER..BLACKENED FROM BEING BURIED UNDER TRASH ON HER KITCHEN FLOOR


We were able to clear the kitchen floor the first day of "our project" ..that night at dinner she told her
son that she had to stop me from throwing away his things..

"I GotsU"

Black men are treating me in the most gentlemanly of ways..they hold the door open..help me with my
luggage..they give me their seats on the underground..

They will follow their jewels of service with "I gots U" in a silky masculine voice..

I am not embarrassed to say that it melts my frozen sexual interior wall..just a little..

"You just Gotta Go"

I was about to walk the three flights to my underground stop..turning the corner ..I was confronted with a stampede of commuters..I stood still ..thinking it would only take a few minutes until the herd of passengers
hurled up the stairs..

A faceless kind voice said, " You just gotta go"

Appropriate for many of life's opportunities..

Moving Stairs

On my first full day in the Bay State, I got a full time job with benefits..it was to portend a start of new chapter of love and success..

I walked out of the interview and walked to the moving stairs and froze..I asked my host to go on to the parking garage and I would take the elevator..

I walked to the elevator ..I froze..I could not move my feet for either form of transportation to the lower levels...I had never been in this impractical position ..

My host was called and had to return to escort me to the garage..

I was able to use the electronic stairs,only, after I moved out of her house..

Dead Pan

The closest thing I get to home cooking is my dead-pan delivery..

Always Doing

Standing the host's kitchen gave me a sense of awe..she was working in her chosen profession..her son was doing well in school..she was making dinner every night ..her son wore clean clothes and had fresh packed lunch everyday for school..

Our daily conversations always reverberated of her having a sense of doing..getting art supplies for her child..
or discussing visiting a science center..

I was eager for her pro-active..always doing mode of operation to rub off on me..

Champion

I have to say that my host was a fierce champion for me.  She wanted me to have the best life had to offer...that people truly understood my value..and treated me accordingly..

We talked though out our days..you know the conversations that start with what you just did ..or describing what you are in the middle of doing and ending with what you are about to do..

She appeared to be always be on my side whenever I shared the minutia of all the components of my life..

We appeared to be on the same page during our exchange of details..The host was a cheerleader and a defender..she invited me into her home ..

what could go wrong?

Favored Vice

                   Not  everything can  be a reason to indulge in a favored vice

Layer of Paper and Plastic

My east coast host picked me from the Boston airport. ..her car was packed with an assortment of STUFF..I figured it was intended for a salvation army drop..on the way to the house, she said, "Now my house is a little messy"

I walked into the house..and what I saw..knocked the wind out of me..the kitchen floor was covered with large pieces of trash..pizza boxes..used underwear..an array of unopened mail..unmatched shoes..

the living room had a collection of to- go cups with sodas of a various ages that doubled as hatcheries of fruit fly type bugs..the carpets and the walls had inches of animal hair attached to them..

There was no clear surfaces anywhere..what if a resident needed  a surface to use a pen and paper..

crackling noises  were invoked whenever a foot moved on the man-made floor layer of paper and plastic

I was,now, living with a hoarder..

Aramis Commercial

I work in the men's division of a national department store chain.  A man lingered at my register after the completion of a purchase..

Man: "Would you like to get to know me"?


good line..I did wonder if I had stepped into an aramis commercial

A Room with a View

A high school friend invited me to rent a room,in her house, on the opposite coast.  The invitation comprised of most of my desired lifestyle components..It was an area with better public transportation..I would no longer be alone on the holidays..I had been wanting to return to the east coast for years..living with her would

protect me from hurting myself

I thought the universe had arranged this for me..I was unwavering in my focus to do what I could to release my life in Phoenix,Arizona..and move to the easy coast

What I did not know is, it never had a chance

And How

I,recently, attended a lunch with former class-mates..It was so interesting hearing people's feelings and their decision-making process during the daily social situations..that are invoked during young dating..

How they proceeded when they were getting to know themselves and their bodies..and how their perch and perspective colored their positions

Mental Hospital

I contacted a friend..an experienced social worker..for a list of local homeless shelters..for a source of volunteering..

The woman responded:  " I do not know how to get you into a homeless shelter..I can get you into a mental hospital"..

Getting in ..spending time in a mental hospital?..sounds relaxing..I could catch up on my sleep

Easier Not Harder

I have certain attachment..loyalty..appreciation..for certain people that enforce my daily progress

the cab-driver that gets me to my bus-stop to enable my arrival to work..the stranger
 that smiles and chats me out of moments of anxiety..the barristas that puts aside the foods that prevents conflicts with my G.I. Track...

They are making my life easier not harder

Duped

Rear view mirrors are frequently used as the ideal earth teachers...pleading to a friend..that I could not think of any warning signs ..in retrospect..seeking an education by revealing some the lines
exchanged with my former friend...

My current friend offered that I was duped and not to second guess my self..

it is bound to happen

What am I attracting?

There are days when I wonder if I am attracting negativity or only reacting to the negativity