Dwelling

I dwell on my over thinking..a lot of time is spent analysing it

Blurred Boundary

A manager was venting about the condition of her peer's desk.  When she concluded her rant with the report that she was going to talk to him about it...

I sputtered, "Really is that your place..isn't that his story"..

Stopped myself with the thought that I was blurring the same boundary..

Patty Hearst

A man and I were discussing human behaviors and goals.  He said, "Once you realign your instincts you will be on the right track"

Didn't they say that to Patty Hearst?

Celebrating Contribution

I was paid today.  The day before pay day is spent planning how I will spend it.  Thinking I should celebrate the financial infusion with an expenditure of a meal ..a breaking out of my food routine..not quite a rut yet..

Then I thought why not view the celebration as a contribution to my savings account.

Crushing Twice

I have decided that I have two types of crushes..an emotional crush and a physical crush.

My physical crush is all about experiencing areas of sexual pleasure.  I want to kiss..I want to massage him..I want to feel his denim..I want him  to hold my hand and my body..

My emotional crush is wanting to know all about his him..talking to him several times a week..wanting his insights and advice on most of the aspects of my life..

Crush away

Sinister

I noticed the "Home Store" of a department store can be a sinister place.  It sells a significant mallet..yes the customer says they are a chef .. a vacuum and garbage bags for clean up could really
send a serial killer on it's way..

Everywhere in the World

I was grumbling about overhearing a person talking about me..the listener responded,"People are being
talked about everywhere in the world"

It was calming..

Dubai

I moved from Arizona to Massachusetts.  I exchanged a language barrier with a man..old habits die hard..coming from a world where Spanish is the dominating second language..

I began to speak Spanish with the person. He responded, "Why are you speaking Spanish?..I am

from Dubai".

Emotional Armour

I wear the same sweater all day..everyday..the sperm of the sporting it was because of chills ..now I view as my emotional armour...all zipped up

Sexual Power Point

My legs have become a canvas for my eternal medical strife.  I view,myself, giving  a power point presentation to my next sexual partner ...using a pen light to high light on the screen areas to shield
the eyes..

knowing it will draw more attention then less..I still want to give a thoughtful alert

Solitude

A man described his relationship with solitude.  While expressing his need for solitude..he reported

solitude has never hurt me...

Unrelenting Chatterbox

I had previously viewed a woman as an unrelenting chatterbox until I had heard her story.  She explained to me that she has daily anxiety.  She feels victorious when she is able to complete a work shift without her symptoms being apparent.

"I am hoping that I will be considered quirky"

Second Language

I was,secretly, judging a co-worker's bad grammar.  Only to discover that English is her second language..

Make Them

Clients  are returning to my work place and asking about me..relaying how I made them feel during our  convos..

affirming comments can change a life ..Make them!

City of Contradiction

Boston may become my city of contradiction. Feeling an emotional peak peak during a physical valley...

Both will seed powerful ..transforming changes

Kindness and consideration

A  woman offered to fix me up with a man.  She asked me for a list of qualities..I was surprised by how complicated I treated the question..

dry wit..intellect..curious..sense of ambition..

When broken down we concluded it was about kindness and a feeling of being considered..

"One More Thing"

"One more thing" has become how I measure my emotional stamina..medical symptom..loosing a phone...frozen computer..

I choose to keep putting one foot in from another during my loosely woven life.  It is not assumed that there will not be "one more thing" that will rip my whole being of the motivation to keep going.

Creepy

I called a man..asking him how to start convos in a bar..he told me: "BE YOU"

He expanded, the bottom line is just not to be "creepy"

No Redeeming Value

My women friends will refer to their bodies..as if they do not have any redeeming value..it all seems like  wasteful ..it is the bodies we have..it gets us where we need to go...it seems like  a shame to live your life

in a form of self loathing..

No Wiggle Room

A collection of women have suggested I am crushing on a certain man..some have broached the subject almost as a suggestion  for me to come clean...My steadfast position is that it is not relevant ..

The man and I have discussed it.   He gave me his anti-dating..of me..stance with no wiggle room..

What makes me sad is that the women may be not dating him out of consideration of me..

Marlboro Celebration

I wanted to celebrate my positive medical report with a cigarette.  It felt similar to ..when I was a kid..my mother taking  me to dinner to celebrate my weight loss..

Entrenched

I hate it when people give me diet suggestions.  My eating habits are entrenched and require a peeling away of layers

So people should save their three words.."you should" ..."why not try"

Vegetarian Cyclist

A man and I have become friendlier..he is a vegetarian cyclist..I do not feel like I can talk to him about the majesty of macaroni  and cheese..particularly at it's highest level of emotional satisfaction

Fish in the Sea

I have been listening to the words of a man close to bedtime..whenever our mouths start to close up for the
night..another man will text me..when it happened on the third night..I started to wonder if the universe is
is showing me that there is other men in the sea.

Lost Art

I have been spending the morning trying to take an alluring selfie with cleavage..it is a lost art

Whole Picture

I am told that my choice of male friends is questionable.  While the men appear to have a undiluted belief of me, they also offer stern appraisals of my behavior.

When I am focused on their affirmations, members of my tribe are reminding me of the saddening word exchanges.

Not hearing what was right about me,for years, inhibits my ability to see the whole picture

Thought Rotisserie

A product or service will dominate my mind..rotating like a thought rotisserie ..until I convince myself that I need it..then I expend my limited funds on it..

What I need to is to expand my savings account..

Prositute

I was sitting on a bench overlooking the river..in my usual garb..Lauren cardigan and Coach purse.. A man approached me and solicited my services..

Replying in my usual manner..'No, thank you for the offer".."Sweet Dreams"...

While wondering, what if I was not to his satisfaction..would I end up owing him money?

Clinique Compact

I have observed a homeless(?) woman ..I have only seen her in transit..pushing a car of garbage bags ..a cart that is her life line.

In a surprising moment, we became paired in a public bathroom. She was washing her neck with tap water and paper towels.  I felt like I was intruding on a private ritual.

Upon completion of her skin cleanse, she evaluated herself with a clinique compact..perhaps a sign of better
days?

My True Self

Health issues may force me to put myself first.  Prioritizing  opportunities to acquire the nutrition that will reduce my symptoms..not reinforce them

Taking in that I must address needs through emotional expression not through an oral fixation.  My medical situation may be the best thing that could happen to me..it will teach me to be my true self and not the person
that my habits created..

Pick Up Lines

A man,in his 20's, was teasing  and flirting with me... He said he was going  to "F" me until I had scoliosis ..is this a new pick up line among the young people?..

I told him I would settle for a pinched nerve..

Scarlette O'Hara

A quote has stayed with me..."success comes from need"..the determination of Scarlett O'Hara ..her desire
to have less financial fragility in her future then she had in her past..

Daily Drinkers

I am starting  to absorb that I can not emotionally negotiate with daily drinkers

Streamlining

It started with a friendly text..then he started calling from the office..a friend declared it as "ramping up"
he wanted to hear my voice...it seemed more about, the back in the mind, expectation of talking to him
then "waiting for his call"

Then he chose to streamline his communication to one message..you are not worth a few minutes of my time
to contact

However Long?

Not having a consistent place to lay your head requires physical strength.  Carrying what you own in a backpack or a carry-on ..the weight of your belongings is on your back or shoulder during most your
hours of your days..for however long

Faith

I told a trainee that I had faith in her..she asked who faith was

Ray Bradbury Quote

FROM FAHRENHEIT 451 BY RAY BRADBURY:

"We can not tell the precise moment when a friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at least one which makes the heart run over"

Emotional Prescription

A man called to report a crushed spirit..I prescribed mashed potatoes and naps..until the worst was over..

Technicolor Conversations

There has been many technicolor conversations..of men describing how they would pleasure me with their
hands and tongues..yet one description has proven to be the most satisfying

A man will call as I am drifting off to sleep ..he details how he would hug me ...hello..the next time we meet..

His gentle, affirming touches along my back make me feel like an individual..like a cared for individual

Syntax

A friend identifies all my positive happenings as my manifestations ..wouldn't that also apply to my negative
happenings?

Back To School

I am at peace with not having children..then again ..I did feel a pinch when I saw  pictures..posted on Facebook ..of my former grade school mate's kids returning to school..

"Fun Size" Candy

My workplace has candy in a locked office...from the moment I approach the employee entrance ..I think about the candy..it is not about eating it..it is about access

Morning Rally

My company of employment has morning meetings.  The meetings are used to announce employees that have done well or to distribute information.

When I attend the "morning rallies" ..I would say (to myself) I will be saluted at this meeting...

Today, I was asked to speak on the power of my customer service..my  effect on people..

Leggo My Ego

Almost daily, a man feeds my ego like a pellet machine feeds the animals at the zoo.  I,just discovered, he physically abused his girl-friend..

I must learn to walk away ..and be the one to feed my ego..

Earth Teachings

When a person gives me life changing advice...particularly when it is simply worded.. I refer to that person as an earth teacher..

A recent example of this is: a person asked," Why do you care about a person that does not care about you"?

I think about that almost daily

Box of Ashes

A childhood friend moved towards a better climate..better health..She left the house that raised her grandmother and her mother..

I stood, with the developer of most of my childhood memories, looking at pictures of the lush greenery surrounding her familial residence..she pointed to the picture and said I will return there to live..with such
determination..

She did ..in a box of  ashes

Hanky Panky

A sexting partner introduced the factor of public sex..foreplay..hanky panky ..I wanted to know what restaurant..

Flushed

The key toilets in my life have an automatic flush..I am finding myself standing in public bathroom stalls with a singular prayer..

"PLEASE FLUSH"

Verbal Violence

I am engaging in a friendship pattern. Befriending a certain type of woman that is seductive at the onset of the friendship..they give large complements ..loving how I think..that we are on the same page..feeling a sense peace and affirmation with me..

Then they explode with verbal violence..It becomes about searching for signs prior to the eruption

Curve Balls

A woman proffered that she wants stories of perseverance ..being a victor after surviving life curve balls ...

not advice ..for inspiration ..its gives a feeling of being less alone..

I tend to agree

Sleeper

I have gone from being an insomniac to being narcoleptic ..whenever I sit down I run the risk of falling a sleep ..this can lead to some embarrassing moments..

When a Starbucks worker woke me from a dream..I emoted," Oh No"..and scurried from the corporate coffee klatch 

Still vacant of a rational explanation to that reaction

Potential Disaster

Is my need for male approval so acute ..that I am not blocking men..that do not appeal to me..that are contacting me..And I sense could be a potential disaster..

Not the Man

The man that is contacting  me ..texting me ..wanting to know how I am .. is not the man I want to be contacting me..

He/She

A person is in front of me..he/she is wearing a mustache..a flowing skirt..nail polish ..long hair.. heels  I am thinking more man then woman

I admire the person for showing more of  his/her authentic self

Riddled with Disease

My body is riddled with disease..the hell of it is that is I am responsible  ...with every opening of my mouth comes an opportunity to decrease the symptoms

P.O Box

It is nearly impossible for the working poor to open bank accounts.  Having a physical address is required..so even though a person may maintain a P.O. Box for a mailing address .. having an insecure
residence will prevent a person from creating a positive financial history to advance their status and potentially gain a secure living situation

His Grandmother

I was told I was mercifully flirting with a nineteen year old..that same nineteen year old,later that night, informed me I reminded him of his grandmother

MANTRA

I must practice the daily mantra ..IT IS ABOUT NEED NOT ABOUT WANT..

Coming to an End

I am coming to an end of a book..I am feeling sad to part with the characters that have been with me on my
daily life..

Turkey Sandwich

I am in a high period of cravings..When I am in these periods, I always wonder if it is a sign if feeling more powerless then other periods..

If I crave a turkey sandwich and I get one..does that give me a sense of control

Inner Conflicts

A friend will describe many of her week's leisure time while complaining about a dearth of it..

perhaps she is discussing an escape of her inner conflicts..

Snow Storm

Freezing in forty degree weather..working in a coat..a man teased, "is it snowing"?

fearing dandruff ..I began to brush my shoulders for white flakes

he was referring to my coat

LETHAL

I would rather quit eating then smoking..

Fist

I was told that I had to actively release my inner tension..I thought of how much I express and thought there could  not much be left..inside of me to release

Then I realized that I frequently walk with a clenched fist..

Gay Men

A woman described how a man held her while she cried...he did not try to solve it..he did not ask why..he  quietly held her until it naturally ran it's course..

She expressed a concern that I had never experienced such a tender touch..Of course, from gay men..

Skittles

I worked an overnight shift in a shopping mall.  I brought a sandwich for my meal break and felt reassured..

A training manager suggested we get food because we would be "locked in" ..well I freaked ..I grabbed my spare box of skittles from my locker..I walked around with it like a security blanket..not opening the box..holding the candy slowly melted my anxiety..

Glad Green Largess

A homeless woman crosses my path..she maneuvers an airport luggage cart..the cart supports three large garbage bags..

The last time, I saw her, I noticed a folded newspaper tucked in among the GLAD green largess ..I thought of the pain her cart represents...as large as the bags..to large to discard a newspaper..

Porn Star

Many of my day's minutes are spent  fighting the urge not to put something in my mouth..will my  DNA be the seed of being found slumped over..or becoming a  PORN STAR?

Points of Erotica

MY DISCUSSION WITH "MY PROM-DATE":

ME: he said he is a master of for-play...he knows all the different points of erotica on the women's body..the more pleasure he can give the more pleasure he receives ...

PROM-DATE: I do not believe it ...when guy talks like that ..it is usually suspect..not true

ME: I choose to believe

Mis-reach

What do you do if the only people reachirng out to you..mis-treat you?

Back Packers

The train jerked suddenly..a mother and son back packers were standing near the sliding doors.. the son gently steadied his mother..

How?

MY FRIEND'S QUESTION:

Where and how would we be if we were not stopped by fear?

Sexual Fountain

A woman's sexual fountain dried up..she has started to bake cookies

Last dollars

every minute..every day..every week..every month... I tell myself that I am going to make a change..

destroy my harness of oral fixation..seeing  it fall to the ground...then I will find myself at some counter at some hour of the day..digging though their inventory as I dig through my wallet to spend
my last dollars for the week..

I will ask  myself.." spending nearly your last dollar before payday..without hesitation..what would lead to a hesitation"?