Daily Story

I talk to the same person almost daily.  I select one story to share with her.  It prevents me from
reliving the minutia of most of my everyday events..and loose my focus..on building a desired
future..which is the more important story.

In the Next Room

I feel fortunate to be able to live alone.  yet there are moments..like when I can not get the shower
curtain rod to stick..I can not understand directions on how to set my new alarm clock..

When I would like to yell for the mysterious person in the next room for help

Overshadowed?

I am a mixed bag.   Most days I will be very aware of  other people's feelings and display behavior that confirms it. 

People have informed me that I improve their self perceptions and their view of the world.

I,also, make social blunders..or display bad public behavior..


Today, I was wondering if my less frequent bad behavior overshadowed, my more, shown
thoughtful behavior 

Paper Clip

I met a girl.  She has a paper clip tattooed to the inside of her wrist..I asked "why a paper clip"?

She stated: "because I want to be a writer"

Wouldn't it make, more sense, to have a pencil tattooed instead of a paper clip?

CandyMan

Leaving Starbucks, a craving for peanut butter cups hit me.  I told,myself, to ignore it..save the money

I go to work..in the middle of the table in the break-room..was a bowl of mini peanut butter cups


Is the candyman, Jesus?

Late Night Note

I have been going through old papers.  I came upon two pieces of  my writing that my mother gave me..

The first was a snippet of a piece of paper stating:

"I am smart. I like me"

The second was a note to my mother:

" I need help.  Can you make a doctor's appointment? I think I am in a depression. I can not discuss it
with you"

While I praised myself for asking for help..the note was from upper grade school years..I wondered
what may have happened between the two expressions of disposition

Jumping Words

I was reading a novel by Jodi Picoult and a line jumped off the page.

 " a miracle was not something that happened to you, rather something that did not"


There is an expectation of instances that I may not only hold onto these words..possibly cling to them

My Friend

A woman friend has been describing her time with her mother.  She applies ice and lotion to her mother's diseased legs..she is able to ignore how her habits differ from her maternal house-mate

Whenever I express my admiration to,my friend, she simply says I know, I do not have much
more time with my mother and I want her remaining time to be peaceful

I am inspired

Captured Moments

I found a group of school pictures from different grade school years.  I was struck more by the similarities between my present face and my past face. 

Specifically my thick wavy hair, rich penetrating eyes and the space in between my front two teeth

Choosing to believe that I still posses the raw beauty that is displayed in the photos


I thought of throwing out some of my captured moments of youth..then the thought I would be disposing parts of myself  stopped me

Ways He did Not

I was on the phone with my closest childhood friend..my friend has lost his marbles..He wanted to see me..there was no way I could I see him..he  kept repeating his request to see me in person

I tried to redirect him with descriptions of his favorite movie scenes..I informed him when I could
see him..

The conversation was bordering on nearly an half hour ..I started to panic.he would not hang up
and I could not hang up on him..a woman interceded and terminated the call

The loss of his marbles makes him only remember the ways he loves me.. I remember the ways he
did not

Like a Tree in the Forest

I "sign on" to facebook everyday. Scanning all the postings..from minutia to monumental.. reading the everyday reports of my "facebook friends" ..I had a flash thought..is posting like a tree falling
in the forest..if there is no-one to read our postings..did we really get stuck in traffic or in a line at the
bank..

Swollen Memory

Bits of my past swell my memory..rethinking details of behavior..second-guessing how I participated
in certain word exchanges

when it starts to feel like it is getting to be to much..I dive into another person's past..a refreshing swim of a biography

being unclear of my arrival  prevents a sense of confidence of finding a route out of this terrible habit of mine

Holiday Letdown

I compliment people for sharing stories of their holiday letdown.  I think people frequently feel that other people's Christmas are a variation of  the beautifully festive commercials of the season..

It is not that way for many people..people are lonely..missing relatives that have passed on..feeling an
overall sense of deprivation or a not fitting in..

So I reinforce people talking about their Christmas because it diminishes thoughts that the family
next door is drinking eggnog and baking cookies

"It was Christmas Eve"

A man called me,on Christmas Eve, and told me he loves me very much.  It felt really good to hear it..particularly on Christmas Eve..

I told myself to ignore that his love may be hurtful to me

Looser Clothes

I had stopped drinking soda.  I was only drinking water..my loose clothes became looser this morning

I got a soda on the way to work..

Is that fear of success?

"High Five"

My idea of living on the edge..is being a team member and not high fiving..

Damaged

I feel the most damaged during three days out of the year..December 23rd-25th..Some years I can escape classic ways of self sabotage through bad public behavior by the skin of my teeth..When I do
I think..I am better ..

Other years,  I do not make it..I spend minutes thinking that I am a tragedy..I have beauty,light and talent..yet I seem determined to show the worst parts of myself instead of the best parts.. The hardest part of it is I am the only one to blame and it always seems easily avoided ..

December 26th- I start to add the list another act that I must become okay with..

Situational Acceptence

The universe has presented,me, two key opportunities for self acceptance.  Using wi-fi at Starbucks
forced me to learn to be able to eat in front of other people..particularly when sharing a table..I had to
ease into the process of consuming food with witnesses

I work at a retail store.  I was unnerved bringing pants to purchase to the register..there is a small pool of  register people and customers..it is not the shoe department at Nordstrom..I thought of the girl folding the fabric to be placed into the bag..would she be feeling like  folding my pants would be equal to folding a tent..I flirted with idea of buying a smaller size...then I just thought this is getting rediculame

It is what it is..until I loose more weight

Bare Legs

I was set for a day of shame.  The pantyhose designated to wear with my dress had a run in them. Exposing my shocking white dry scarred legs..Entering my workplace with a desire
to be ignored and just wanting to get through my workday

a girl aproached me and said I am always glad when you are here

PERSPECTIVE

My Laundromat

I was washing my clothes at a Laundromat..three kids were running around while their mother was also washing clothes..I could tell the mother was becoming anxious with their behavior..I,gently said, they are being kids ..the older boy was playing with the wheels on a laundry basket..I thought it was clever...the mother scolded him "you are embarrassing me"

I wanted to step in and say I am the only one here..I understand their behavior..I did not want to
make the situation for the boy worse..he looked like a part of his spirit was dying

Cool Chickie?

During a voicemail, I interjected that I was a really cool chickie..later on I laughed..is declaring yourself a cool chickie far from a cool chickie move?

Also Dairy

I attended a neighborhood party. Guest asserted that American citizens over the age of 65 should relinquish their drivers license(s) and voter registration cards.

I responded: also dairy

Vlog- doubling my bra for a purse

I frequently keep a myriad of  items large and small in my bra

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUJ058jHe8M

I discuss the variety of contents in my bra in the above video 

Alarmed Clocked Me

I was talking to a guy..reporting in extreme detail my anxiety regarding a situation that was beyond my control..as he described it verbally obsessing..

He popped up with a story about working for Arrowsmith..it alarm clocked me that people have interesting stories..they are not what they appear..and I  am missing storied opportunities by

maintaining one track conversations about next to nothing

Christmas Cards

I got two Christmas cards in the same week.  One is a truly beautiful high end card and the other is

a cheap cheap card.  The outstanding card is from a person that threatens to reject me..the poor quality card is from a loving person.

I have decided not to display the elaborate card because whenever I see the polish of the paper ..I think of the roughness of his words

The other card seems as artful as unconditional acceptance..I have showcased the card

Meditating Words

I have been meditating on words that my walking partner bestowed upon me..

Her response to my anxieties about my workplace was:  Are you reacting to what is actually happening? or are you reacting to the version you are telling yourself?

"Taken Up"

A man is going through a lifestyle change..he described a friend going through a crisis..He is not clear what his emotional stamina will permit him to contribute to her situation

I said, it is okay to come from a place of being "taken up"

Admiration

Sitting and using public wi/fi, I watch a lot of  service workers doing their jobs.  They interact with the public in a kind,generous and accommodating (consistently) manner..I admire them

Locked In

I get locked into oral fixation rituals.  One particular daily ritual is keeping hard candy in my pockets at work..breath mints..candy canes..butterscotch discs..

When I was heading to acquire additional pocket goods..I thought what if I save the money and not buy them before work?

I could feel anxious.then it occurred to me that it is okay for me to experience negative feelings

One man's opinion of me

I thought I was being friendly with a starbucks patron and he thought I was trying to "force" my houmer on his being..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJ_FuZ29Ik0

Salty/ Sweet Dilemna

I must take a moment before I  make food choices after work..I will be tired..I will be disappointed in not completing a performance goal..something salty or something sweet will be in my line of vision...

The fatigue and disappointment will weaken my selection process..before work..my mind is vacant of a salty/sweet dilemma

Tainting Emotional Atmospere

I was complaining that a group of people were tainting my emotional atmospere..she said that will happen..I can only control my reaction not who enters my atmospere..

Brushing up

A manager publicly complimented me..I felt a swirl of self-doubt and embarrassment..I was afraid that my feelings of self loathing brushed up on the manager..my sense of inadequacy may have been exhibited in a form of flip behavior.. I found him after the meeting and expressed deep appreciation

I must be careful to not have my internal negative behaviors become negative external negative
behaviors

VLOG- public behaviors

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuuxJqknv54
CONVERSATIONS WITH REBECCA SHEA

navigating in public with strangers

Ballistic

I was getting reports that a person was talking about me..the fatigue of hearing the stories repeatedly generated a weak moment..I asked him to expand his topic list with people in our mutual circle..

He became ballistic..I began to say..hey your behavior is your story ..it has nothing to do with me

Then why did I broach the subject with him? 

Fading

I used to call a woman and vent.  The reporting of the negative behavior of others was robbing both of our time.

The woman could not take it anymore..she set time limits on certain subjects..it was extremely effective..naturally my positive verbal contribution became stronger and the negative parts began
to fade

What I heard

A peer admired my eye specs..I heard her say: you look really good..you look at peace ..you look

like you have released all your resentments ..

I,guess, it is all how I frame it

Not Meant to Continue

I had a computer question..it would have been so easy for me to call him..It is a technical question ..means to an end ..it is not personal right?

I must act like he is not available for my questions..every time I reach out to a person for any reason it continues the relationship..

Certain relationships are not meant to continue..

Rear view Relationship Journal

I was walking and thinking about the ending of a friendship.  He has appeared to have moved on pretty quick like..my emotional stun gun was focused on the question..how can I be considered disposable?.. then I did an emotional 360..changing my position of investigation

It is not about the ending it is,frequently, about the beginning.. there are verbal behaviors that can be
captured in the rear-view relationship journal

Focusing on the end of a friendship may not be an effective mindset.  Thinking, he has appeared to have moved on real quick like..what is it about me that he finds disposable?

Then...my mindset did an emotional 360..it is not always about the ending..it is,frequently, about the beginning.. were there any verbal signs during our early conversations..were there chinks in his loyality towards me..

Wealth or Poverty?

A woman was complaining about her dating choices.  One of her choices only wanted her to be nude and not want to share words with her...

One person's poverty is another person's wealth

Replacing

I have not reached out to any people who have rejected me this week-end ... people that have humiliated me with their rejection..not acknowledging gifts ..or returning phone calls..



I began to celebrate myself then stopped and wondered if I ate more this week-end

Ultimate Arrival

I am spending the week-end with a westie and a poodle.  Their acceptance of me makes me emotional..at certain moments...weep..

Unconditional love could be my ultimate arrival

VLOG/ singles mixer

A SEGMENT OF CONVERSATIONS WITH REBECCA SHEA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOviU8v8I4I

Interruption

I ran into a neighbor at "my market".  She would cut me off every which way ..a wave of determination would come over to finish my sentences..then I began to relax ..thinking interrupt away..

I walked away feeling that her interrupting was a win  for me..I did not  to reveal to much

Arousal?

Hearing certain words...feeling sensations..a sense of sexual arousal?..I had began using a new liquid soap..

Numbers Game

Haven't you heard that a person may get one hundred "nos" before getting a "yes".  Life is a numbers
game.  It applies to most of the areas of my life. 

How many conversations does it require to feel that a certain friendship is not a good fit.  Client recruitment may demand thirteen fliers and eight letters.  How many calories,can I, reduce from
my daily intake.  How many blind--dates .... How much, less money, can I spend today then yesterday

I never know when I can invoke volume and when I can not

Truncating

I will,frequently, blurt out: "I do not know anything"...which is a contrarian assessment to my level
of knowledge..My blurted phrase is the truncated version of "I do not know anything about how to make a souffle" or a rainbow of other subjects

If  what we say about ourselves is powerful programming..I must be less casual about my truncating..

"Conversations with Rebecca Shea"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SChEiYVQl4E

My most recent segment of CONVERSATIONS WITH REBECCA SHEA on YOUTUBE

Story Chain

My "daily call" and I  were discussing my reaction to dairy.  The initial report became a story chain with the final link being a debate on which it would be better to be..a bulimic or an anorexic

I chose to be bulimic..for I would be more comfortable with wretching then ignoring that raw hunger..you know the kind of hunger you get on certain days..those days aound four PM ..perhaps you forgot to eat and you are at work..

Dumb Phone

A friend's nine year daughter interrupted my description of my "smart phone"'s features ..by blurting out: "smart phone"? more like a dumb phone!

One Meal at a Time

A friend was explaining the science behind weight loss.  I reacted by telling him that I went against every rule,I was told, and lost a substantial amount of weight.

I used to eat everything in the largest of portions available and  felt deprived...Now I eat what I crave in smaller portions..resulting in a gradual weight loss and a removal of a lingering sense of  deprivation

I am not thinking long term..one meal at a time

Deep End Of a Personality

I was thinking about how there were moments when I loved delving into someone else..I was feeling a twinge of  fleeting sadness..then I realized that when I escape into the other person..I avoid my own
self cultivation..so I need to be careful before I jump into the deep end of a specific personality...

When we invest a lot of our daily lives in other people..I have done this with a handful

Color Coding

Last night, I attended a donation drive.  The donation drive was married with a singles mixer. We were assigned colors based on our relationship status..yellow is complicated..green is single..red is married..

I wondered ..if a person attended in muted colors..would that mean that he was willing to show up..yet he refused to be optimistic about his outcome..

Craving or a Binge?

I had a day of memory triggers.  I was due for a meal.  Rice is a comfort food.  I had a portion with lunch..is eating when upset,only a danger, when u binge?

Or is it merely fulfilling a craving if it comes with a meal?

Seeking a Lifeguard

A friend nearly drowned in the ocean.  An undertow swept her out to sea and she fought  her way back to shore. 

I thought of her story as a metaphor for life..performing a breaststroke..when seeking help from a lifeguard..we are our best selves