Movie Quotes

"I am hard to get. All you have to do is ask"

Lauren Bacall in "To Have and  Have Not"


"I believe, I believe. It's silly,but I believe"

Natalie Wood in "Miracle on 34th Street"

Shower Mirror

The shower I used today has a mirror..What about you? a shower stall is one of my last places I would place a mirror..

"To Go" Cups

A timeline of unexpected tragic events has become etched in my memory as I became deeper into adulthood.

My reactions were as new as my  life altering event...I was always surprised by my reaction ..and would look back in wonderment as to why I did that..thinking it was silly..or wasteful..

One particular reaction to a lifestyle shake-up was to keep "to-go" cups in the freezer..so every time I got a soda on ice from a convenience store or fast food franchise..I put the cup with the residual ice
in the freezer..

you know..when I look back on these behaviors I come to the same conclusion..I did not feel like I
had a choice at the time

"That Would be Personal"

I met a gay couple.  They immediately regaled me with stories of their sex lives ..how many times they
get it on..their use of numbing gel..

I stopped them by asking why they do not describe what they like about each other..does one partner
cook? Who cleans?

One of the members of the gay romance reacted strongly: "Well because that would be personal"..

Those First Nights

Spending my remaining nights in my ghetto pad apartment has sent me back to my first nights in the
first apartment..since college..

I would stay out with a friend,Troy, until it was almost time for me to escape into sleep.  He got me through that time..a time when surviving a minute felt like a personal victory..

My choice is to be confident that I will also have a superior guide in my new homeland..

Continue to Chase it

I will meet a person..we will connect and I will feel the best form of rich acceptance..when I can completely exhale, be calm and feel completely at peace..

Then the connection will dissolve..with no explanation..something as simple as schedule shift could be the cause..

I will only be able to think about how it was and not how it is..so I continue to chase it ..determined that if I do not give up I will once again experience feeling completely accepted by another person

Others Did Not

My "daily call" says I have a special talent for finding the best in people ..even (as she says) in the more miserable people of both my world and the world..

Even I can not avoid noticing how certain people took the time to see me.. before I moved to the east coast  from the west coast...,,and other's did not..

..Want Never to Use..

I have wanted to marry a man ..maintain a marriage ..and posses a job in a creative field on the east coast for all of my life..

A grand opportunity to live and work on the east coast has been given to me..I jumped at it..I was convinced I would ache for the rest of my life if I did not take it..

My last shift of employment with a Phoenix based firm was today.  The employees were informed
of my departure. I spent part of my last shift telling people I would return to work at the firm in Phoenix..a city that feels alien to me..

Was this a form of self protection..I wanted to feel I would have a place to return..a safety net I want
never to use

Niche

I used to promote myself as a person to call to help pick up the pieces..I thought creating a niche created my value..

Then I discovered there never seemed to be a person available to help me pick up the pieces.. my value became  about learning  who was worthy of my time

Some of Mine

I have a "have to" person..a person that I will deal with until one of us dies..she is completely unpleasant ..

 I used to take in her attacks without resistance...I could barely survive her verbal incoming..wouldn't
it make it worse if I verbally swatted back?

The introduction of my verbal armor..did not decrease her anger..It  did decrease some of mine though

Hair Brush

Standing in the open lobby of the DVM..standing in urgent need of a picture I.D  to present for permission to take possession of a seat on my flight to my (new)  home of the Boston area..

 A woman greeted me, "it is a pity that you do not have a hair brush to use before they take the picture"


I did not think it was a pity..I liked how my hair looked..it is one of the best things my Mother

gave me

Embarrassing? Or Efficient?

Is using the phone while  attending to your bathroom needs..if the listener can tell.. embarrassing or efficient?

Emotional Eviction

I lived with a man for over twenty years.  I was emotionally evicted from the house we shared..He lives with another woman ..they sit and watch T.V  on the leather love seat I picked out..they eat their
meals off of the dishes I bought.. and shower in a bathroom that showcases the tiles I selected..


I am not welcome there..so perhaps they like my taste more then they like me..

Drag Queen

A drag queen is in my eye-line.."she"  is wearing a backless dress and sexy strappy heels..

I thought about how I wore heels for eight hours the previous day..my feet hurt so much I could not
think straight (no pun intended)..and "she" has created a lifestyle that specifically includes them..heels

Elbow Grease

I have made the bold choice of not  applying elbow grease to any one's dialing arm to arrange to see me before I depart kachina country..

This is big for my conflicted self..I always feel I need to be careful to conduct follow-ups and prevent
stones from being unturned ..because I used to live in fear of regretting a loose end..

It has been interesting to see who has been in contact ..

Also

I was talking to a friend...we were discussing how it is easier stay in certain relationships then move on.."because it is so much work to share your history with a new person"..

It is probably,also, a lot of work to stay in a relationship that is not a good fit ..

Beyond our Control

I often wonder if life is about learning how to adjust to changes beyond our control.

"Let the witnesses gather..

Well, it turns out that my eating changes were not cemented.  I have been on a see-food diet for my final six weeks in Phoenix,Ariz..

The closet binger has transformed into a "let the witnesses gather while I purloin a french cruller and make it disappear in three bites" eater..

How ironic that when I would want loose weight prior to reuniting with school friends..my cravings and pounds returned..I had stopped my cravings, I really did..

Moving cross country has taught me that stress peaks transgress me, to a time in life, when it was only about acquiring easy comforts

Grease Eating Chatty Cathys

The death of my friend has introduced me to a new way for me to grieve.  I have become more aware
of my surrounding atmosphere. 

Shunning fast food chains in favor of independent restaurants....has been in favor of my being in a  more appealing ambiance while ripping to shreds my practice of a shoe string budget

Pondering limited days..I will opt for a casual darkly lit lounge playing groovy tunes over being exposed to grease eating chatty Cathys at Chilis

Step Aside

I have been in a peak stress period in both my work and personal life. I am moving to the east coast in 3 DAYS ..a new mantra has come to mind..

EITHER BE A SOURCE OF HELP (in the form of positive words or service) OR STEP ASIDE  ..while I facilitate powerful life changes

Anxiety Dreams

I have four days left in Phoenix,Ariz..before I move to the east coast.... I believe I am doing well time wise.

.While I may,only, have a few remaining chores to complete prior to my day of departure
each one is a powerful linchpin....

Anxiety dreams have begun..I am not surprised at the existence...I am surprised at the content..

Brutal crime scenes..In four days, I will see how it pans out..

Bitter Sweet Five Days

I have a week left in the city of my youth.  I am returning to my emotional home.  While I do not have a modicum of doubt that I changing geographical designations is the right one..I am getting pinched with bitter sweetness when I am participating in aspects of my perfunctory life..

I will leave a restaurant that I know will be a memory in five days and start to weep..It can not be
anxiety because I am packing towards my desired future

Three Men, One Bed

I met three guys.  I asked which was a couple..an unofficial spokesperson for the group ..quickly  responded that they,all three, were a couple..

I asked about the sleeping situation..wondering if each man had their own room..I was promptly
corrected by the spokesman..he clarified that all three of them shared one bed ..

I was stunned by their status report.." what if a person grinds their teeth or snores"? I questioned

Not a problem, I was assured..

Is this a direction a relationship can have when all is comfortable in their own skin?

Interrogations

I went on a blind-date with a FBI Agent..he was one of the best listeners I have ever experienced..We had a conversation the day before the meeting..dropping tidbits...details that I forgot I revealed..

He asked follow-up questions about every concept we discussed...does being a member of a profession that has interrogations at his nucleus force him to hone his memory?

More Then One Petal

I used to slip  into a feeling that the universe would create opportunities for "loyalty tests" .. A recent opportunity was seeded by being hacked..it was interesting the people who expressed concern

People I am in both daily and hardly ever contact reached out to me.. The previous Rebeca would have viewed them as caring more about me then the others..I,now, believe the bouquet of friendship   are based on more then one petal. 

Practice

A woman informed me that she made a major life change because she did not know how to say "NO"

Do we have choices when  we do not  know how to practice them?

Friendship Birth

I will maintain friendships because they were born during certain periods of my development.  It is starting to sink in that if the person disrespects me..the period of the birth of the friendship JUST DOES NOT MATTER..

Will I?

I met a girl in the third grade.  We became friends and created a short-hand.  Her emotional finger prints are on most of my behavior and personality.

She died.  It feels strange..The option to share aspects of our adulthood were taken from us..

Will I be able to make peace..adjust?

Reverse Fashion Show

A good friend picked me for dinner.  I started to point out what was wrong with my appearance..then I stopped myself..it was about being with her ..not a reverse fashion show..

His Phone Number

I have a friend.  She is amazing in ways that never seem to cross her mind.  My friend  created a most
positive life by going after it...

She screwed up her courage and asked a superior gent for his phone number.. A fun history

was born

Musical Theater Majors

I am listening to people perform karaoke..it is begging the question..are the performers unfulfilled
musical theater majors?

Emotional Halloween

I suggested to a man to showcase different parts of his personality..to experiment with new behaviors.. see how they make you feel ..

Consider it an emotional Halloween

Trick

It never ceases to stun me how casual advice is dispense regarding substance consumption..I am entering a new chapter..things need to be done within a certain time frame..I am reacting by seeking
artificial comfort in soda..a woman said, " Why don't you order water instead of the soda" ? " that is
what I do"


The trick is  not to  condemn myself  for letting my guard down and revealing my crimes of solution.

Clean Start

Once a day I cry..frequently at the end or the beginning of my day..either right before I get dressed for or right after I get undressed from the day..While the tears are flooding my cheeks, I visualize
the washing away of my anxiety ..I surrender into the physical reaction because I view it as creating
a clean start to my next chosen demand..

She is Gone

I,once, heard a story about a middle-aged daughter getting up and going to the kitchen to make her
Sunday morning call to her mother...her mother had died that week.. I found it hard to believe..

Until today, I am becoming familiar with a position with a new company.  While engaging in the routine of my shift, I reflected on the day's details that I would share with Nicole..except I can not

because she is gone..I can no longer pick up the phone..

Obscene

Using public wi-fi has enabled me to become educated on the menus and portions of chain restaurants. 

Both the eaters and the plates carry obscenely large portions..I have started to ask for senior or
child's portions ..it is cheaper and it does not take me hours to recover from the discomfort of
having a full stomach..

Charles Manson

A woman enquired, "Why would Charles Manson apply for parole"?

Me: "Maybe he is a goal setter"?

It Maybe Worth It

I was listening to a song..the singer sang that he could love "her" in different ways..I was thinking people's values vary as much as their shapes..Certain people require time or a form of discipline
to discover their unique gifts..it just maybe worth it..

Privacy Robbed

Death and sickness rob people of their privacy. 

Bursting Open

The snaps of my bra just burst open..is that an example of lace surrendering and breaking free..

Level Of Difficulty

We add to the our level of difficulty in life when we beat ourselves up

Fruitless

I tend to engage in a specific relationship pattern.  I will continue to maintain a friendship based not
on mutual need ..but on how long I have known the person..so if I have known a person over twenty
years..I will not ever entertain an evaluation because the length is the answer not if there is a positive
fit..

Being in a relationship based on obligation is not fruitful for either party

Grey

I have decided to be at peace with my classification of being conflicted.  My view of life is more grey
then black and white.

Staying Connected

I thought I was in the clear..I wrote her everyday of  a particularly painful phase of medical treatments.  Whenever I saw her, I would leave voice mails pin-pointing the different ways I liked being with her.

I would routinely re-establish how I was available to be of service.." I am available  for.." inserting most tasks that she may encounter during her daily life..I tried ..I really did..

Yet I am unable to free myself of the nagging question,particularly when I am walking, "Did I,really,
do everything within my power"?

Could this be my way of  staying connected with my decreased childhood friend?

Karaoke Night

I am observing people performing karaoke.  One man has stood out to me in the mosaic of  lyric readers..Whenever he sang a stanza..a gentle sweet smile would creep across his face..perhaps it was
pride or a generation of natural joy.

Karaoke is a genuine way for people to step out of their lives and become more of a STAR

Attention Whore

I announced to a man that I was an attention whore.."it takes a village for this attention whore"..as my gay crush states " from coast to coast"

The man asked if I was a whore in different ways?...  "Hey, time permitting, sure"

Glistening in Anticipation

The first twenty years of my adulthood was spent accumulating things..I wanted to make sure I had the proper salad bowl in the event I hosted a dinner party..

Now I   want to  spend the next twenty years accumulating experiences..glistening in the anticipation of  what will be my  first experience in the collection

Emotional Formulas

A budding friendship has not passed out..I was expressing disappointment to a friend.."we had this in common and that in common"  wasted raw potential..

My friend said, " allow yourself time to grieve and move on"

I do not think I can comply with emotional formulas

Pale in Comparison

Loosing a childhood friend has changed my view of life. Most of the  day's potential  consequences pale in comparison to the pain of the anxiety of the void from my life. 

This comparison elicits a new freedom in how I communicate with most of the people in my life..I am becoming more aware and taking new routes in how I conduct my friendships

Me VS Them

I am learning that it is more about whether I like the person then if the person liked me

Raw Conversation

I ran into a blunt friend..I will seek his opinions on social issues ..he is calming while reinforcing the beauty of my behavior..

This was our last conversation at "our coffee house"

Blunt Man: You should talk to Igor..he is outside..we are similar..he does not operate with any anxiety

Me: Does that mean you do not want me to talk to you anymore?

Blunt Man: NO!

Me: yeah, I just wasted some good insecurity there

Starbuck's Mirror

I have a certain self view of myself... it is the memory of the face   I see in the Starbuck's mirror...

So when I see my videos ...I get caught off guard and I want to introduce every attached email by saying..I do not,really, look like this in person..

Consigning Taste

I have been selling a range of my personal inventory to consignment stores...used book stores..kitchen stores ..selling crystal to antique stores..

There is always a moment of truth when I show my goods to the buyer and they evaluate it..

I,sometimes, think they are judging and (sometimes) rejecting my taste..

Unsettled

Loosing the major people in my life leaves me feeling unsettled.  I am aiming to make peace with the past..perhaps I should have called, texted and tried to hang out with them more..while coping with a future without them..

Wondering how to install the memories of the laughter in my everyday life without tearing up every time I see their email address or phone number in my phone..yet I can not imagine a day
when I would erase any of their contact information

I will be waiting this out and time will show me how to proceed

Partly Confident

A thought  was rotating like a turntable in my mind today.  The thought was that that they are people in the world..perhaps more then not ..that are confident in parts

I know a man that fears I will oversell him to my women friends ..yet appears to have complete confidence to reveal his views and converses beautifully with strangers..I know a woman that is proficient in the professional word yet will display her lack of confidence in the social world by pecking her peers with petty insults.

My mother's friend appears to define walking in peace..she floored me this week by demanding to know if any men complimented her..

Our body moves in parts ..so may our emotional security

Aging Prostate

More and more, I feel like I am in an almost constant search for a bathroom.  Could this be what it
feels like to have an aging prostate?

Cummunal Table

The people that I am sharing a communal table with at a  coffee house are brain storming words to express their written thoughts..I have to fight from digging in and  brain storm with them


" Now what thought are you trying to express"?

More A Like

I met a man and he informed me that he read my blog.  My impression of this guy is that he is focused,smart and confident.  He seems like he knows where he is going and has created a route
to arrive at his desired destination. 

I was struck when he appeared to have the stronger reaction to my postings about sadness and feeling
"damaged" ..

Perhaps we are more a like then different ..only in different casings

Birthday Wish

My wish for how I wanted to spend my birthday was to be less responsive..present a more thought-out reply in an hour instead of  sending a message with words missing within a minute..

I have been thinking, if this is how I wanted to celebrate my birthday then it is certainly worth considering for everyday..each day needs to include an act or behavior that puts my peace of mind
first.

Unique Awkwardness

There is an unique awkwardness... when departing a public bathroom and being forced to become
face to face with the next person in line..I,mean, it is a human daily function..that we all have in common..I just do not want to have to connect eyes with a   witness to the biological event

Blunt Instrument

Loveliness can be like a blunt instrument

Cultural Time Keeper

My "daily call" and I were discussing sexual dynamics between men and women..in code of course..
because her nine year daughter was within ear shot..

The young wonder popped up with a simple phrase that cracked our code and defined the nucleus of
our confab

"Oh jeez" blurted from my mouth

"My daughter knows what time it is" proudly explained the mother

"yes,it is 7:45", declared the growing cultural time-keeper

Listening Universe

A situation will present itself ...it will seem handpicked ..What I had been asking the universe for..

I had been telling most people with ears that I would love to have a movie friend...a person to go to independently produced flicks and discuss the plot lines with them.

I met a guy and it unfolded that we shared a love for the cinema...I thought the universe answered me
with this smart dry-witted friend.

I ask to meet him at our favorite theater..he did not show up..is there an universe that is listening?

Emotional Incoming

I am wondering if a large portion of life is about learning to get over tragic curve balls..There were over a thousand days in the last six years when I felt like I had to get into a protective stance to guard against emotional incoming..

The only way I could keep going was to not cave..and fight to not put my body in the same fetal position as my emotional brain

Diseased Boundaries

I have a friend with a chronic disease.  It has taught her to say "NO" to reserve her strength.

The disease has taught her how to create and reinforce boundaries.   She has inspired me to be more aware of how I spend my time and who is receiving my attention.