Public TV

A sign of a good buzz is when I am able to hang out..smile while watching "Public Television"

One Person's...

A friend contacted me..

Friend: "How did you spend Memorial Day? BBQ? attend a parade?"

Me:" I sent an email to a man that served our country"..

Friend: " I wanted to give a soldier a smooch or a blow job ..I did not find any.."

One person's email is another person's oral sex

Angels Among Us

I missed my underground train stop today..not a biggie..I just got off at the following stop..standing near the door for the next stop..I heard a woman say, " That is to bad, she was so close"

Crossing the street, a man will say, "Be careful"

Employees will leave their posts to show what direction to heed for a desired location

My Mother would read and repeat stories of how they are angels among us....there have been days
in Boston when I have felt the same way..

Outgoing

My phone is only taking incoming phone calls..I can not make calls or send text messages.. this could be the perfect scenario for me..eliminating my chances of contacting the wrong people..

Radar Love

A woman urged me to believe that my emotional tight ropes have safety nets..illustrating how the  power of belief will prove to protect me..

Sitting in the back of a cab..a song came on.."radar your love"..being open to give and receive

Are the practical and the impractical equally important to fuel a positive life?

Less Or More?

The captions to yahoo pictures will have the option of  less or more..I wish human conversations had that option..

Training Films

I attended a training session with a large company.  The video's narrator would state.."Click next to learn something new"

I thought what a good thing to practice in real life..hitting next would avoid dwelling on negatives that life throws my way..

Am I a Twin?

Whenever I spend time with people that exhibit a significant cataclysm between their verbal behavior description. and the behavior they actually exhibit....the more they talk about self awareness the more it is observed that they do not appear to have any..

There are days when I wonder ...am I twin?

Multiple Times

I call people to much...there are days..when it is all I can do to resist calling certain people if not most of the people in my life..all in the name of avoiding calling multiple times in a day ..or a week..

Pre-determined Stop

A commuter train appears to be an fertile opportunity to have a good conversation with a stranger..less pressure ..the ending of the conversation is predetermined

Hand Written Tickets

I have been in situations..certain jobs..where I will start to break down..I will not make a change because I am convinced I must practice.."MIND OVER MATTER"..focusing on the practical reasons
I must continue to engage in the choice..

Then there will be a point of no return..I will make never made mistakes..which will hand write my ticket for departure.

Sandwich in the Purse

A woman had spent hours looking at the varied merchandise of Macy's..I had wondered if she had brought a sandwich in her purse..

Gotcha

I was stepping onto an underground train..a man extended his hand and said,"I gotcha"

The kindness of strangers can change a self view, a day or a life

Conquering It

Being faced with a fear gives an opportunity to conquer the fear

Origin

Feeling alienated is a form of loneliness..being among people that peck you with insults..words wasted with the excuse to insult..

Because an origin of loneliness is feeling displaced

Street Angel

I was standing in  a court yard in Boston.  Coming out a different exit disoriented me.

Me: (whispering voice) "Where am I"?

Homeless Man: "It is across the street"

He perfectly pointed,with a smile, to my desired building of entry

Distorted Self View

Interacting with people that focus on what I do wrong can be sufficating..it can result in providing a distorting self view

F & F

I have a relative without his marbles..he could star in the "Forgetful and the Furious"

Crying in the Shower

I have two men in my life that fall into a super crush category.  My behavior is raw and nervous around them . they view my behavior as a result of my bigger behaviors ..over thinking..committing extremely poor social choices..choices of people in particular

At the end of each phone conversation with each of the men..I want to break down and sob..
I tell my friends, " I just talked to Avie ..so now I am going to go cry in the shower"

Think Glenn Close in "The Big Chill"

My theory is that I go over each word that I said with the harshest of combs.. thinking I may never
talk to the person again..and I left such a bad impression..it happens everytime..

yet I can not walk away because what if the next time is the time I really nail it..and show my best self

Peaceful Confession

a friend was discussing her relationships with me..her emotional reactions..what she missed when she was not around certain people ...

She finished the dialogue with: " yes, it is tough sometimes ..I know the peace I will achieve has to come from me" ..

Catsitting

A woman described her cat.  She reported that the younger version of her cat used to run and hide when around people.

The older version of her cat comes out (when in the company of guests) and sits calmly and confidently. 

I have,now, been inspired by a cat.

Stranger's confession

A stranger revealed that he did not like his wife.  He introduced the topic by reporting, he prefers (it) whenever she is not home.

"you see, I married her because I liked her look".. and now he is married to a personality he never
liked

Bottomless Pits

Angry people are bottomless pits

Gone

When the distractions are gone..my wGoneay..commute.. the .struggles start..

Underground Musician

People sing and play instruments in the underground stations of Boston. There is one singer that stands  out in my mind.

His picked songs that perfectly blended with is soothing voice.  His clothes and shoes were polished.

As paper bills made a hushing swooshing sound in his viola case...I pondered all he must do to practice his art for strangers and donations..

Most importantly, keep the power of motivation

Blood Test

A man walked into my sales area.  He requested gift ideas for his marital anniversary..it was the year of iron

I suggested he give a blood test..to check to see if she was anemic

Emergency Room

Having an opportunity to spend time in an emergency room gave me an view on a raw human experience.

A parent and friend came in..in clothes that were..comfortable..close by..jeans..aging sweater..hair showing evidence  of a morning blow dry.. at close to fourteen hours later..

Tennis shoes escorting them to the information booth..asking questions like..."do they check pockets
if a person is brought in unconscious"..said in a most articulate and polite manner.."what are the ways
they try to identify who is brought in"

I sat in an institutional chair and cried..about another kind of pain that comes with loving someone

Off-Sides

I reported to a girlfriend that two people gave me two very different sides of the same story..

She said: "Do you need to pick a side..a version"?

This is why she is my choice of a  superior girlfriend..

Kosher

I met a Jewish woman that eats kosher.  I asked her about kosher eating habits.  She explained that kosher choices do not permit the combination of meat and cheese.

A cheeseburger was suggested as a meal that would not be served in a kosher home. 

Giving up cheeseburgers?...to raise her children in a traditional way..now that is LOVE!

Uphill Battles

People that choose friends and lovers that are less then the best fit for themselves..also choose uphill
battles for themselves..

Emotional Gladiators

The three men I crave appear diverse on the surface, yet, they have one quality in common.  They are all gladiators regarding anyone insulting me..particularly my looks..

What I did not have in my past..I walk towards for my future..

Length

A woman revealed to me that her relationship with her lover was coming to an end..she thought it would have lasted longer.."Why can't just one area( of my life) be easy"? she would express to me

I suggested: "Maybe it is not about the length of the relationship..it is about the purpose?  perhaps
this emotional tutorial is coming to an end"

Practice makes Perfect

Whenever I am feeling pecked away by the subtle insults of others..I must tell myself that it is an opportunity to perfect my ability to slough off other's views of me

Safe Havens

I am getting to know the library in "my new town" ..It is always important to collect safe havens.. a place that is free and places minimal time demands its visitors..

New prayer

My new prayer is "I will"

Mistress

A gal pal complained that her married boyfriend lied to her.

Clothes,food and what I say

When feeling more powerless..I break down all the decisions a day brings..clothes..food...what I tell people

taking the control when I can through decisions....will empower me

Art Forms

It is an art to listen without suggesting solutions

Did Not Have Me

A woman asked me about a male friend.  I explained to her that he longer needed a listener because he was no longer in crisis..so he "dropped me like a hot potato"

My friend keenly observed: "he did not have you to drop you"

Orange

Working a big sale day in a department store..

Man: (Pointing aggressively to the penis portion of an orange underwear advertisement)
"I want this"

Me: "we,only, sell underwear"

White Noise

I have met people that have lived in  physical  disarray ...whenever I have asked them about the cracked wall boards..the ripped carpet..the interior of their high-end car.. they respond that they
have not noticed

do the worse parts of our lives become "white noise"

Inferred Answers

I am guilty of inferring questions when I talk to people..which makes me guilty of monologues and
offering answers to questions that may never have occurred to them

Larger Margin for Imperfection

I hate myself when I am unable to slough off  the comments of  other people instantly....giving myself a larger margin for imperfection would be a form of self-kindness

Street Signs

I have been taking daily walks in my new neighborhood.  I have started to see street signs that represent my thoughts.

A street named Stoneybrook..the town of  my Aunt..she was a significant person in my life ..I have been thinking of her a lot.

A street named Glendale..the avenue of my childhood home.. I had been flooded with memories of
my youth ..when my parents were healthy..

I have been requesting people speak plainly with me ..today, I found Plain street

Cereal Bowl Of Noodles

Eating in a food court can test my food resistance..seeing the food taints my self-control.. When the

hourly worker offers me a buttered roll or a cereal bowl of noodles..I must take a moment to ponder how I want to spend my calories and money.

Rush of Air

Riding the train to Boston is one of my favorite parts of the day.  I purposely go without my computer.   Going teck-free enables me to take in the whole  raw experience..

the sounds of shoes..the colors and shapes framed by the window...the rush of air when stepping off
the train

Everyday

I must extract the good things in my life..how I am lucky...when I am grateful ..everyday ..

To able to keep going

Turn Key

A driver picked me up from the train station..he was a stranger and I was only a fare..

He drove me to my residence..he waited in the driveway until he saw the crack of the door to house
open ...

Roan and Nina

Tonight, I reported to a beloved:  " I think I am going to call roan..to tell him that Nina likes him"

Beloved: " I thought you were going to let that be"

The way the advice is given could be more valuable then the quality of the advice

Future is Now

I have lived,most, of the first part of my life on one coast.  My reaction to living there was to put my progress in a holding pattern..

"I will make certain life changes when I move to the east coast"  would be my mantra without  an arrival date..

Well now I am here..the future is now..no more waiting

Grateful Nature Walks

Standing surrounded by natural beauty .. I took moments to take in how lucky I was to able to walk among the wild flowers and large profound trees.. walking in a favored environment   can be the most
effective self promise

Human Mirrors

I am viewing certain people as mirrors of my own behavior.  It is proving to be a perfect motivator

self-change.

Rarely Seen

Progress not perfection.  I have been   able to stop myself from being  defensive..a woman will make a comment..solving instead of listening to a reporting of a development..I,now, possess  and execute a rarely seen level of self control ..being demonstrated one minute at a time

Humanity

I thought I had compassion and felt fortunate everyday.  When My parent's lives changed..my personality changed..I acquired humanity..and became acquainted with humility ...

Panic Attack

I had a panic attack.  I froze when forced to choose between an elevator and electronic stairs.


 Verbally expressing my concern for a repeated episode.."my mother's friend" responded,

" Because it happened once..does not mean it will happen twice"

Facial Tones

A favorite quote of a "gay crush" is that my face can tell a story.  My golden silence and facial expressions can be  louder then my voice..a voice that precedes me..

Maternal Reunion

Whenever I quote my deceased mother..it reunites me with my mother

Human Safety Net

I commute to Boston from a bedroom community for work.  It is a new commute.  Walking the rain stained sidewalks..a twinge of doubt will pinch me.."Am I on the right side of the track"?..."Do I walk upstairs or downstairs"?..."Why do I like the conductor calling me sweetheart"?

When I am pinched..I will sputter, "green line,inbound"?  and people respond correctly and graciously

There is a human safety net of strangers that offer kindness everyday

Cracked Up

Everyday has a smattering of minutes, when I am barely stumbling onto the next minute..unsure I will be able to string the minutes..

Then the unexpected happened...I cracked up..I heard something that made me loose control in a fit of giggles...It was an elevating escape of the purest kind..

I was then able to spring forward through the rest of the day..

Contributing

It is as important to own how much you contribute to the person's life  as how much   the person contributes to your life

No Stone Unturned

Give me everything you have, was a my quest of others..per chance to become invisible in their angst

Now, my quest is to give myself everything I have..no stones unturned in this life

Random Meetings

I have been living on the Boston area for about two weeks.  Random meetings have occurred with people in the publishing world. 

Is the Universe arranging these meetings as a reinforcement of my writing ..or are members of the publishing world as available as real estate agents are in my former residential area, Phoenix, Ariz

Emotional Hoarding

A woman, of nearly five decades, complained of how she was treated when she was fifteen.  I began to wonder if this was an act of emotional hoarding. ..fervently holding on to memories that interfere with daily progress..or adversely color an outlook..

The internal congestion could manifest in larger external behaviors

Pablo's Quote

Within you, your years are growing.

Pablo Neruda

About Your Body

I am starting to get,  that it is not how your body is..it is about how you think of your body..

Be Asked

I met a man on a bike.  His voice was an instrument for a tripod of compliments about my verbal musings.

Reporting it to a beloved..she said why didn't you get his contact information.."what harm would it do"

I want to be asked ..not be the asker

Absorb the Trees..

I commute in and out of Cambridge for work.  Spending previous rides on the tracks taking in the written word

I decided to start to purloin minutes from the evidence of my selected scribe...lavish the unplanned time on looking out the window..absorb the trees..blue waterways and the grey architecture that is not
seen in my former west coast of residence

A Rare Declaration

I rarely feel this way...and I certainly rarely publicly declare it..

 I AM PROUD OF MYSELF!  Today, I started a new job in a new city.  What made me feel proud was that I did it with ease..I felt completely comfortable when interacting with my employer..My verbal presentation was completely vacant of humer at my expense..

The more I feel worthy the more I will receive

Childish Reaction

I attended a work orientation today.  The company has a report that compiles a group of stats..it is named a penetration report..

I fear that I may have a childish reaction

From Months to Minutes

I will wonder when I will enter a period of exhale..I have decided to shorten my expected periods of exhale from months to minutes..

Instead

I am guilty of describing myself  more of how I would like be rather then   how I am

A New Muscle

A woman informed me that she spent her week-end organizing her closet..sorting what clothes to keep  and what to give away..

I started to view cleaning as a form of  muscle training ..a daily training..hanging up your day's outfit or placing it in the hamper prior to going to bed..

Being out of shape..out of balance happens when the bigger mess occurs when NO cross-training is practiced
in all the areas of your life spaces

Building a History

Whenever men and women would describe how they have dreamed of being married since youth..I would think, "huh"?...The difference in me regarding my view of marriage was chalked up to further
evidence of my being a square peg.

I am beginning to think I got it all wrong..I have written about how I have sought people to share my
life ..building a history with "daily calls"

Having a partner to face the course of life  certainly does not sound half bad

Charade

Avoidance is a full-time job.  It can take up all your time..all your living pixels of concentration..all your physical strength..a lot of dancing..

It can double as such natural everyday social behavior..it can seem like detailed thoughtful behavior is being exhibited..it is really, detailed avoidance..

I see it in the person that talks a little to long with a neighbor or co-worker in the parking lot..goes to the farther market because the store has "better produce" ...whenever the person is out ..no matter where the person goes..he always manages to acquire a new thing..

I wonder if it is more exhausting to perpetuate the charade or to wipe clean what is being avoided

Comfort of Unity

A woman was describing her night out with friends.  She was feeling bad that she may have ended her evening as a "sad drunk girl"


I value people that reveal their imperfections ..whenever people do it ..I thank them for giving me a gift..creating the comfort of unity..

New Platform

I list goals and I meet them.  yet there are days when waves of anxiety will wash over me ...

life is passing me by..will that be a platform to set another goal..

Selfish Anger

Warnings of the negative effects of anger was a childhood theme presented by my parents...was routinely  informed of the health results of harboring grudges..the storing up of bad feelings about people or life events would transform clean cells into dirty cells that would create residual physical struggles..

Anger may also be a selfish emotion.  The emotion doubles as a carrier that gives the practitioner
permission to just pain treat people however they want to..

When angry people are in my life..I must be aware that successful emotional negotiations will be
the exception to the rule

Widower

I met a man today..he is in his eighties..lost his wife of over six decades about three months ago..lives a lone

Me: jeez..how are you functioning?..whatever you do is a personal victory

Man: I keep moving..just keep going

...From My Desired Mission

Have you had this experience? ..when you feel you are more concerned about aspects of other people's lives..then the person living  it..and I am  not talking about an overweight person wearing tank tops..

I am talking about when people's personal safety is being affected.. am I taking this as an opportunity to distract myself from my desired mission..

All Speeds

There are days when I ask the Universe for longer intervals between emotional "hits"...Then a theory
will wash over me..

The purpose of this turn at the wheel of life is to learn about adjusting..getting up, dusting myself off and continuing to move..all speeds of movement of equally vital

Scarlett O'Hara Quote

As God is my witness,....they're not going to lick me.I 'm going to live through this...If I have to lie,steal,cheat or kill.

Scarlett O'Hara, Gone With The Wind

Robert Redford

Yesterday, I saw a Robert Redford movie.  While the plot was advancing, I thought of how he had lost  two of his best friends.

Anticipating his level of grief filled me with a desire to take a nap. Learning to become a better version of myself would motivate me to continue to keep moving.

Success

Getting through each day can be such a challenge..taking a minute at a time... that functioning is a success

Attraction

I have known people that only repeat how they felt mistreated..concluding their examples with:

"Most people have been mean to me"  Perhaps when most of people's words,concentration and time
are spent on the negative behaviors of others..then perhaps most of your attraction will be spent
on negative behaviors

Imagined Thoughts

I was conversing with a woman that does not react to my spoken words..she reacts to what she imagines my thoughts to be..frequently she takes offense not to what I am saying.. it is to what
she thinks I am saying..

It endangers effective emotional negotiation

Amish

Using my "smartphone" can make me feel dumb..the amish are more teck savvy then I am

Tongue In Cheek

I,really only, listen to find out when I can talk again...I talked to an old friend today..I told her every little thing that was happening to me...

And you know what she had the nerve to do..she then told me about her life .. aww, what does she
think? the world is about her?

"Large Penis"

I had drinks with a straight couple.  The man used the minutes his girlfriend was away from the table to inform me he had a large penis..to big for the available condom during one of their nights of
passion...

"A man having a large penis..that is a good thing right?..I mean isn't that a big compliment for a man?"

"Well not if I am hurting her"  he replied


Yikes, he kind of hurt his image by telling me that story

Paper Napkins

I found myself unable  to refuse a free napkin.  My restaurant selections frequently offered
paper napkins.  The servers would accompany my meals with extra napkins.

Taking the offered napkins were my new Keen money saving habit...I stacked them in anticipation
for using them to dust or to clean the microwave..

When I prepared my apartment for my move from Phoenix to Boston..I found a lot of napkins..in every purse..different nooks and crannies..

some habits are made to be broken..

Being Cut at Their Knees

It will stun me when people that have endured "cut at their knees" experiences continue to choose to be self righteous ..instead of  choosing to be humble and displaying compassion..

I wonder if  self righteous people are trying to fix in others what they want fix in themselves..