Vices

I frequently think of how my savings account balance would differ if I was putting the costs of my vices into the bank instead of costing my body My vices is how I get through what is uncomfortable about my life and I can not imagine anything more uncomfortable then being without them

His Loverly Moments

I saw a relative in the Fall. Seeing him informed me of his shredding physical health. In the past, I would wallow in his shattered brain use while swallowing numbing substances. My reaction has changed. I offered help with a virgin level of acceptance. "It is what it is" was my attitude while I pocketed his loverly moments.

Breath Mint

Reading in a public place. A semi-stranger sidled next to me and suggested that I spend the night at his apartment. He concluded by offering me a breath mint.

WHAT UP?

I moved to the east coast in April. My pant and bra size have decreased by two sizes between April and October..all my clothes are baggy.. I step onto the scale..I have gained 20 pounds...WHAT UP?

"Not the Pretty One"

I was considered "not the pretty one" of the three girls in my family. The classification forced me to lead with my personality. I learned how to talk to people..to almost anyone..custom fitting my words based on what I was able to observe of the listener. I,also, learned how to be alone. Traveling and attending flicks singularly. And I do not know if I would have discovered the contribution books have given to my life..if not had my looks been labeled. There are many days that I am grateful to have been given the title: "Not the pretty one"

Being Irish

I am Irish and very fair. I,once, got a sunburn from an Ipad..

Unquiet

I checked in with a man from my past. He is aproaching his 2nd year with his girlfriend. Searching for a reason why I was not selected, I asked him: ME: Is she quiet when you are quiet? HIM: NO,she is not I ended the convo by stating that I could have been unquiet...

In Future Relationships

I slipped into a hotel lobby to recharge my phone. A woman sat acoss from me and told me about her life. She revealed that she used to know a man..they cooked and spent their week-ends doing interesting things around the city. He broke up with her. The woman described making a partial recovery by "crying herself out of it" She did not know why she was telling me and confessed to not having been able to talk about it..until last night. I would like to think that she learned something in the previous relationship that will benefit future relationships.

Private VS Public

The man that raised me would salute me in private and ridicule me in public. This behavior of my childhood has created a social pattern among my peers. I am,now, starting to realize the how deeply this contaminates my friend selection. This awareness must serve as a seed for actively changing my acceptance of being treated with less value

Phone Interview

I had a phone interview this morning. Concerned about my wake-up voice, I submitted a monologue to my friend's voice mail. My other choice was order every flavor doughnut from Dunkin Doughnuts.

Pain-Free

I live with a daily sharp pain in my legs. I take in and thank the universe during my pain free moments. I want to focus on my periods with out pain..not on the periods with it..

So-So Sex

I had good sex..on a level where I would catch myself standing motionless ..at work..reflecting on a singular act or moment..and then would almost wake up from frozen concentration.. It would always be followed by a sad panic because I had stopped talking to the guy.. Well the answer was to have a so-so sexual experience..it snapped me right out of it..

Mashed Potato Pizza

I engage in food rituals. I must have a certain slice of pizza when completed with my work-shift. It is the texture of the pizza that drives my foot pedals to the slice factory. When my desired topping, mashed potato, is not displayed. I query the counter guy..as he checks to see if the pizza is in the back..I stand there with my eyes wide and held breath.. I consume the warm clumps of softness on crust..as I am leaving..the guy assures me "we will always have mashed potato pizza" He did not want to see my world rocked..

Width and Length of the City

This may seem strange to you ..it does to me.. When I experience anxiety in Boston, I feel protection from the buildings and the city bounderies. I picture the buildings and it's materials as barriers of safety as I explore the city. Seeing myself,in my mind's eye, walking the length and width of the Commonwealth gives me comfort. It is almost like I feel like I would fall over without the buildings to support and place me in the world. It wipes aways my anxiety..I am grateful to have such an effective method that is not self-harming..

Against Type

While I attended a job training meeting, a girl turned to me and revealed: "I do not like talking to strangers " We were being trained to be sales associates

Life Training

I am standing on a train platform..waiting for my train to travel to work..there is a woman singing in French in the background..a man wearing a fedora walks in front of me.. I am not in Arizona anymore..

To Be Considered

I fix a male friend up on blind-dates. I do not believe it is bad for my emotional heart. I have never had to fight myself from touching him..never reqretted not seizing a moment and making a move.. yet, there will be certain moments on certain nights that I think " it would be nice to be considered"

Soundtrack

I choose to believe that the street and underground musicians are providing the sound track to my life

Rag-Tag Team

I am more ..much more..comfortable being emotionally evicted from people's lives then emotionally evicting them.. I must evovle from this current disposition..or I will be stuck with a rag-tag team for most of my life..

Train Conductor

I have started giving directions on the Boston's public transit system..AND sometimes the riders,even, ask for them..

Homeless Heartbreak

A man expressed heart-break over his wife cheating on him. He repeated his feelings of being crushed by his wife's confession. He sleeps at the park near the library. He is afraid of exposing himself to further betrayal..yet does not have money for a second residence..he wants to make sure his son has a safe warm place to live.. The homeless are starting to tell me their stories..

Dunkin Doughnuts

I have overdraft charges from going to Dunkin Doughnuts.. Yeah, I may have a sugar addiction..

Paternal Question

My father asked me an interesting question: He asked me what were all the new acts I had performed in the past year..what my key learning experiences were from doing something for the first time..

Harder Life

My choice-making makes my life harder..I make my life harder then it needs to be.. Everytime I fritter away money instead of save it..everytime I put unhealthy food in my mouth..everytime I call a person that has shown me less then respect.. I am making my life more difficult.. When I look back at this period in my life ..will my evaluation be different ..believing I should have given myself a break and praise myself for what I did do right..or confirm negative effects of my decisions..

Kissing in a Church

I met a man at the library..the first one in the country..our words were replaced with kisses We moved to a nearby church. I positioned him so I could see the buildings that I love and the darting cyclists.. while we collided bodies After I left him good and damp, he walked me to the street of my departure ..I headed for the light.. I did not want to jay-walk..

Even Exchange

I donate my purchased books..usually from a used book store..to the library when I complete them.. It feels like the perfect exchange with a place that has made a significant contribution to my life

Grey Hair

Why is it that every hair I pick off any of my garments is grey..

Giving Head

I gave head this week. And the guy did not do the thing I hate ..I did not realize how much I hated it until I did not experience it.. He did not push the back of my head while his member was in my mouth... I was told that the pushing of the head "was just something guys do" by a friend with enough experience to be a sex worker.. Well I do not think it was an accident that I got a stellar review and he kept his hands to himself during that portion of the program

Polished Shoes

There is a man on my commute..he 96% passess..he wears a nice tweed blazer and polished beautiful dress shoes..he carries a bag with no signs of any road weariness After weeks of seeing each other and not talking ..He explained how he became homeless He was working..became sick and drowned in the debt of the medical bills.. I informed him of companies that were hiring with-out reference checks.. He resisted saying that he can not work because he has a sleeping disorder and can not stay awake during the day..

A Boston Bathroom

I found myself in a public bathroom with two older women. We had all just seen..randomly .."12 years as a Slave" One of the woman asked if I cried during the wipping scenes. The question reminded me how I used to cry whenever presented with a visual injustice.. The woman: why did you not cry? Me: emotionally frozen..I do not know..I used to.. The woman: I would like to talk to you more..we are about to go to dinner..do you want to come.. I declined the invitation..I had been eating all day..I gave her my contact information..the question stuck with me..

Crumbs at the Bottom of a Chips Ahoy Bag

A man was starting to show indifferrence with the same ease as our conversation. I requested a cease in our communication ...I could not reinforce my request.. I went to my phone carrier with a sense of pride equal to the crumbs at the bottom of a chips ahoy bag..asking for a one way block..so I would stop calling him 14 times a day.. Verizon does not have such a service..my parting words were: "So Verizon is not going to help me evovle"

Prayer Circle

I walked out of work with a racing heart of anxiety ..three women surrounded me..explaining that they were praying for people and wanted to know if there was anything they could pray for me.. I submitted my agenda..what could it hurt and they appeared to be lovely in their intent.. I reversed the question to them ..they discussed feelings of limbo ..working in a market while attending graduate school..graduate school admissions We stood in a circle surrounded by Harvard Square patrons while one of the women asked God to show his compassionate awareness of me the understanding of another person already felt like a prayer answered..

Financially Independent

A man frequently tells me if a situation does not feel good then to move on..the fact that I am questioning it means it is not the right fit for me.. I always thought he had this position because he was financially secure and had more options.. Now I am thinking he is financially independent because of his emotional position