Next Year

The week before Christmas, I was thinking about where and how I would like to be next
Christmas. I realized that I must use my sadness about certain aspects of my life to fuel desired changes. I must start today..because the time needed is not evident.

Snap!

In response to my extending my hand and giving my name,the party guest informed me that we had already met..Well she must not have made an impression..SNAP!

Diane Keaton

Describing her break-up with Al Pacino, she said, she did not handle it in the most perfect way. I love this..I can admit blame without reliving the details..with the new year..a new training will start

Paying it Forward

Hearing the positive words that was said about me always means a lot to me. Pass on compliments because it may come right at the perfect moment.

Denny's

Drawn to a booth for Wei fie..hearing fragments of a diner's health report..I immediately wondered, should he be eating at Denny's.

Hints of Evolution

Talking to a party guest. Words flowed so smoothly and easily. Concluding the conversation by slipping in a suggestion to meet somewhere else and some other time..
I choose to believe I showed hints of evolution by making a suggestion.

Christmas Gift

Curiosity mounted as to what my Christmas gift would be. Whispered phrases, "isn't to late?".."can she use it?"..."will she know what to do with it?"...emerged from different areas of the house.

On Christmas morning, I unwrapped the gift of potential.

Impressive

I was talking to a person about his social and health changes. Hearing his history of decision-making affirmed that we are all impressive people in different ways and for different reasons. Expanding our social circle will introduce how

Cold Shock

Everytime I look in the mirror, I must compliment and become more at peace with my
features to prevent my cold shock when a picture of me pops up on my facebook
wall

Discussing Food

The same baked good from the same deli was my emotional lure from my apartment for several days this month. My initial confessing of my renewed relationship with processed sugar was to endeavor to shake off feelings of failure. (for most of the fall,I was focused on fruit sugar)

I am now leaving self-hate on the plate with the baked good..I am choosing to inform my
friends of daily contact because I believe the variation of eating is an emblem of my being
out of balance. I want to interject awareness into my conversations so that they do not take
subliminal behavior personally... directions to stop feeling responsible for unintentional hurt is not on my emotional G.P.S (yet)

Being a Runner

I have always been a grateful walker..walked off anxiety..walked to feelings of empowerment...walking for miles with music in my ears is a perfect Sunday..then I
started to envy a runner's freedom like the way I envy an uninhibited dancer..watching a runner is like watching the mobile version of "everything we need is inside of us"

Becoming a runner was suggested to me, I feel afraid to start

fear does not seem like a good enough reason to not try to be a runner

Fragile Resovle

I was thinking I was gaining a new layer of self-preservation..a resolve in loving from a
distance....one moment, feeling the ease of a loosely buckled vest armor of resolve..next moment, nearly blindly sending him a note..stunned at how quick and blind the potential act could occur...the buckles of the vest may have to be re-adjusted..yet it continues to remain

sarcastic?

Sitting at Starbucks, a gentleman declared me "a nice person"..I asked if he was being sarcastic ....just last week, I felt clear on knowing what was good about me..I have come
far and have far to go..he was declaring me nice..not a Jewish mathlete

Freeing

I am walking in the freedom of not trying to get the approval of certain people that life has placed in my life..there is a freeing in letting go that I have never quite
experienced before..starting with a relief of no longer having to push myself to come up with whatever would be required to acquire the mystery puzzle piece to make me whole..now a peace is settling in..

EROTIC?

I told a friend that I was referred to as neurotic..He said that is good, right?
No, I said neurotic

Orange Vest

My social circle has been injected with acts of respect,positive reinforcement and the true beauty of love and acceptance. Experiencing this transfusion has strengthened my vision of friendship...now spotting poor friendship is like spotting an orange vest
in the woods

Turning Fifty

I am frequently finishing my emotional expressions with "and I am turning fifty"

It is my way of saying that I do not want to look back and view myself as crazy for
not moving on quicker from certain people in my life..I want to do my best in my forties to subtract the scene of me siting on a couch with a book in lap,in my fifties, dumbfounded by my length of deliberation on arriving at specific points
of my emotional map.

Hair Color

The young cashier,at my market, questioned my need for hair color. I did not know whether to propose to him or send him through college.

Ceasing Erosion

I have started to release him. Feeling relieved to have the emotional positioning system to be able to travel to this point on my relationship map. Ceasing the erosion of self direction that occurred when I was waiting for him to announce I was "okay".

His Choice

The answer permeated my air like heat from the furnace..it is not that he wants to talk to me
yet can not because of every reason under the sun.. hearing about his past week..it was not about time..it was about choice..and it was his choice not to talk to me..and I grant him
that choice

Walking in the Rain

Walking in the rain,across a large car soaked parking lot, picking a specific quality for
self condemnation. Wondering if I would apply the same assessment of the same quality on some-one else..the answer would be an unflappable no.

Not Breezy

I am not easily referred to as a breezy person. Evites arrive,to an annual party, in my inbox. Others use the comment box with offers to bring ice..I use the comment box to write that the party evite is an affirmation of my social identity.

If Periods

I am in an "If period"..a returning to an emotional square one..a reverse of emotional progress..feeling that I am one act or word grouping away from being
given something more then what he is giving me..what that is? being declared
important?..feeling respected? Answers to why him in particular also do not come..

Perhaps my demand is for clarity not for him

Reunion Theories

I attached theories to the reintroduction of certain members of my past. Opportunities for
do-overs and the fleshing out of desired approval. Supposed needs are not fulfilled.

Turning to Rev.Master Jisho Perry's, a monk at the Shasta Abbey,..saying, "Patience is the ability
to end our expectations"..renews my charted course.

Emotional Fingerprints

Destructive people will be released from my life. The residue of their fingerprints remain on my memory. Stopping short of passing on my read books, sending notes...now knowing that if I act beyond the well wishes, myself will be sacrificed

Over-eaters Anonymous Meeting

Running into a friend, first words out of my mouth were a confession of my spending
the week consuming rice,brownies and Pepsi..a dramatic contrast to usual food regimen

Siting in quiet with the same friend..don't u love siting in quiet with certain people?..
I realized I am treating every conversation,this week, like being at a podium at an
over-eater's anonymous meeting...or maybe I am a little to eager to announce "my failures"

Intimate Strangers

Finding myself telling a cabdriver..you know I have that fear..reaffirming the placement of intimate strangers featured at my three points of commerce..their physical closeness through-out my days has created an emotional closeness..Their abilities to identify my levels of behaviors and my daily access to them frequently select them as first recipients of my important life changes

Emotional Diamonds

Behavior evaluations are lavished on me from members of two specific areas of my life.

I am riveted by people's unwavering positions on my self view...displaying a drive to hand pick the perfect words for me to assume their position.

My unwavering position is that I am not easily defined.

gettable

Dusty Springfield advises "never let yourself get to gettable"..Well Dusty could have been talking directly to me.

A lot of the time, I am quiet and focused on my key life players...and then Thanksgiving happened..
The holiday started with being entertained by a guest's observations and ended with private messaging him about how he is an individual in pouring gravy.

My friends have removed all ghetto blasters from my ghetto pad..as in John Cusack in "say anything"

turkey burger

I can blindly act..learning to pause before acting in areas of personal control.. even in the event of a turkey burger ... after each bite, I asked myself, do you want the next bite?

Parts of the turkey burger remained on the plate for the waitress

Rolling Tampons

It finally happened..I have faced a fear and it can be crossed off my list of fears..

Using the Wei Fie at a gourmet market, partnered with a purse with tampons resting at the bottom of it. The purse tipped over and the tampons rolled towards the registers.

I chalked it up to life happens..a boy with his mother at the nearby coffee counter
was mortified ..he had to go outside

Lady Gaga

I have decided to have a new attitude when attending annual holiday parties.
I will channel Lady Gaga when pulling out my zip lock bag, to collect parts of the glazed ham from the buffet table, to take home.

Woody Allen

I was spending a lot of time with a male friend. I emotionally selected him as my life partner...viewing him in a category of his own..Discovering he was gay did not
deter me..so perhaps a discussion would be required..THEN:

He informed me that he did not understand why people went to Woody Allen's movies

There was no turning back

changing to stop

A friend was expressing concern regarding a specific behavior pattern of mine. She asked if I was hurt...I was not hurt because if I want less of these types of conversations then I need to change my behavior.

Christmas Book

I was given,a book, The Four Agreements for Christmas. I took it personally.