small town grocer

A supermarket chain in a strip mall, I frequent, has the atmosphere of a small town grocer.
Popping into the market after work, I am greeted with a smile that could light the dairy section.

He collects tidbits about me, individualizing his shoppers.

This is a variation on a blog theme..our kindness will improve the days of others..and he does

The Laffer in the Bunch

Standing at the Starbuck's counter,exchanging stories with the laffer of the Starbuck's
bunch. what started with a story from present day...ended with a story from the first quarter of my year with "my Starbucks"

Walking home, I thought about how I was when I entered the corporate kaffeeklatch in the morning of this year and how I am departing in the evening of this year.

Their complete acceptance and positive reinforcement transformed me in a way I feared
would never happen

Not in a Pretty Way

I was practicing the lessons of the earth teachings of a friend..a friend that departed my life in a less then pretty way..When I was applying his teachings, I re- felt the being in the same room and the seduction..I immediately thought to send a note of appreciation and love..what stopped me was the question: Wouldn't sending the
note reinforce how he departed? saying it was okay?

Unintentional lessons?

Less Opportunities

I am learning to give people less opportunities to evaluate my exercise and eating habits. ..I may inform my friends that I am walking, perhaps not the length or speed
of completion..I may tell friends I had dinner..not whether it was McDonald's chicken mcnuggets or a Starbucks' protein box.

I am also learning that with-holding information may not always be  equal to shame ..it may
also be equal to self protection.

emotional irony

I spend big portions of my days and nights asking the universe for stories about me to rise to the surface for composing a blog posting and to perform on stage.

My daily call suggested I inform the barristas at "my Starbucks" of my blog and dates of my performances....responding "really? that seems so self-absorbed"

Our Addictions

The holidays bring out our addictions. I become addicted to wishful thinking..wishful he will contact me..he will surely contact me on thanksgiving..A permeating wish that he will come though..in a way that is never quite clear..I give him the choice.

Why do these wishes chaperon my outlook during the holidays? Perhaps it is because during the holidays certain people assess what is important and I want him to declare me important.

His nagging silence informed me that the love I gave him would have not been wasted on myself

ABORT

I am lucky to have a large catholic family in my life. A family member invited me to a dinner to be shared among her extended family. I told her that if life happened and my inclusion was adverse..please text me: ABORT

unblocked

Reflecting on the past year..realizing that no meanness has been directed at my looks since the universe
removed certain people from my direct circle..the universe had to do it because I was not yet at a point to say that it was
was not okay to be told I was ugly..the removal created space for the loving people that,now, surround me

regal canine princess

I am giving thanksgiving for spending the week with a regal princess of a canine..I am also pondering her observations of me: ........ how she can talk about
the same three topics to her daily call.......how can a person not be able to smell..
she takes medication without wrapping it in meat?....we both seem to like things in our mouth...

Being with this canine companion is the best relationship I have ever had

100 pounds and 20 years

Walking through my brain as my body walked to two of my most significant reunions was the undiluted belief that their dominant observation would be: why didn't she loose weight?
....She had 20 years to do it..certainly enough time..

In fact they told me I looked beautiful..great..

the beauty was the portion of me that was at peace

body warmth

Sharing a love seat with a regal canine companion, her head and legs on my thighs.

Feeling her body warmth is equal to feeling unconditional love

we all have it

Two conversations starting with a utilitarian purpose ending with a love letter..in the last week with people from diverse life areas...We ended our talks exchanging points of admiration..behavior we saw in each other that we never thought we could do..

We all have points that others admire about us..we may be not expressing it..

Start

WOW!

A man told me he had complete faith in me..a supreme level of acceptance..I told,him, I succeeded in my mission..He said he never had a doubt...What a thing to hear...WOW!

emotional beauty mark

Living with concentrated periods of being told what was wrong with my appearance by both loved ones and strangers..maintaining the evaluations as a birthmark and my positive evaluations were as fleeting as a hair cut

A man expressed confusion with my wearing of the poor taste of others ...this time it held and clicked ..I will define the beauty mark.. by only listening to expressions of beauty

life is a gradual process

starting with a glimpse

Smothering my tooth brush with paste, I caught sight of my thick wavy hair and rich brown eyes. The word pretty held my brain secure. Feeling pretty may not have always come naturally...it will, starting with a glimpse

oxygen tank

My tongue become a conveyor belt for complaints being blurt out to a married couple. My eyes were directed at the wife when the husband smiled and said things could be worse. I diverted my focus and took in the oxygen tank that gave him life..

yes, it could

outside the box

I met a friend for lunch. He informed me that I had be more open to thinking outside the box.

I ate an egg white for a god's sake..how much more outside the box, can I get?


please refer to "my emotional mount Everest"..for reference

medicated and isolated

Standing outside a club,waiting to perform, telling a comedian that when I bomb on stage

I need to be medicated and isolated for two or three days..He announced that when I engage in
reliving the comedic blackness then I am bombing three times instead of the true one time

perspective shift

tidal wave of approval

An acquaintance expressed a belief in me. I rode the tidal wave of approval for the rest of the day. getting ready for bed, a splash of his approval hit my face and I wondered why my words do not have the same effect on me as a semi-stranger.

high five

A barrista at "my Starbucks" would want to signal the end of our transactions with either a
fist pump or a high five. I could not believe that a purchase of a banana would be worthy of such a celebration. So I informed him that I could only engage in one fist pump or high
five per shift..it was purely about me..I truly have respect for him.

love ratio

I never believed in the existence of 100% kindness. I always had ready made explanations for my friend's bad behavior being directed towards me. I would tell myself that he was generous three out of my five visits with him..so he is viable friendship material..or she
showed a lot of love at the beginning of the relationship..so maybe she is now going through a bad period.

If anyone showed a flicker of love,kindness or generosity ever..then I could not release them because if they showed they could be kind once then they will be able to show it again..I just need to be patient and wait out their unreliability..meanness..pettiness

Until now..I now have a circle of friends that have lit a path for me. and you know what?
they are even-tempered 100% of the time...jump back, Jack

I do not know

I always find it refreshing when people respond with a "I do not know" to questions. Whenever I hear it ..I think I should say "I do not know" more often.

I ,once, asked a client if I would ever stop xeroxing my parent's taste in furniture and create my own taste. She said "I do not know"..My respect for her increased by leaps and bounds.

She did not "should" me and she let me be..creating a pocket of acceptance

manifesting dreams

Two friends have manifested their dreams this Fall. I have watched them lay the groundwork for their dreams to arrive. Witnessing them not giving up has taught me
not give up. Being their friends has inspired me to design a dream of a life placement and to start building the bridge to a more desired style of life.

rejected by splinters

A man finds me on face book..a man I had forgotten existed..He declared me amazing with in the first words of our reunion, his voicing "there is nobody like you" was the last
message I heard before going to bed. Spending time with him made me feel less like an emotional orphan.

Calls stopped being returned..text messages were ignored..being rejected by splinters
of technology.....

I will learn to accept it

ice

The role of ice in a beverage consumes me as I consume it. I have always held the steadfast belief that ice can only elevate a beverage. My loyalty began to defrost when a realization floated to the surface..the sinister role ice can play when beverages and commerce come together..
as in beverages sold at a movie theater..the dominating ingredient of ice robs the movie watcher
of their entitled amount of soda

emotional time-share

I have spent large portions of my life with a time-share in the past. rethinking decisions..feeling shame for trespasses against others..a lot of questioning..

I am starting to put into daily practice the assessment that I am making the best decisions with my current tools. I must break free of defining myself by my mistakes.

Keys

Writing my blog in an italian bistro, A woman begun to flirt to me..I asked her if she thought I was gay because of my daily wearing of tennis shoes...She said it is also about having a large key ring..so I have one key..true story..one key..does that mean I asexual?

deciding to accept

I,sometimes, become upset or frustrated when friends are not emotionally available. I used to engage in a self dialogue about how I would be there for them and now they are not there for me. It simply does not matter..it not about what I can give, it is about
what the friend is able to give or not give and deciding to accept or not accept it.

life moments

I will think I am over something and then there will be pain..anything during any day
can trigger the pain..the pain comes in different forms..tight stomach..misty-eyes..
needing a pepsi on ice with a toasted plain bagel..I would hate myself for being weak..

Telling my "daily call" I was fine I really was..I have completely transgressed..NO, I am
living life and life has moments of sadness,anxiety and wondering if I made the right decisions.

self protection

Even when I was doing it, I could not believe I was doing it. I put myself down to an acquaintance,complete negative self-exposure, for an introduction to a joke. I believed more in the joke then in self-protection.

higher grade of carpetting

A former room-mate and consistent blog cheerleader emailed how proud she was of me for living my dreams...While most of me was spirit electric..a tiny part of me interrupted my glee by asking if I was living my dreams wouldn't I have a higher grade of carpeting?

more nos then yeses

I was reflecting with a friend the evolution in my relationship with food. Taking the position that a complete eviction of specific sugar agents could be unrealistic. Greeting my desired forms of sugars with more nos then yeses is my preferred aproach

ditsy/brightness

I have a condition that I have named as ditsy/brightness. I can be very sharp and perceptive..and then a comment will slip out of my mouth..

When people complement my spec frames..I respond with complete seriousness ..yes,thanks,
the glasses are for my eyes..yet I never doubt my brightness

emotional ambrosia

Thinking it was just another night coming to a close at Starbucks..standing at the counter, saying good-bye..my good bye was greeted by a barrista asking if I wanted to know what the other associates say about me..I was like "aw yeah! this is emotional ambrosia"

She threw me the curve ball of asking me what I thought the associates were saying about me. I spitted out descriptions like a pez dispenser spits out candy..."cold,withdrawn,needs an eyebrow waxing, moves slowly"
She looked at me like
I just failed a self esteem test miserably..no,
the associates wonder if you are a performance artist..

oh well,that is a different story

M&Ms

Craving in to a desire for M&Ms in the wee hours of the night. Presenting the cashier, in colors of shame and relief, a king size bag of plain M&Ms. She would consistently inform me that two smaller bags of M&Ms are cheaper while giving me the same amount. I could not help think..I am in a seven/eleven at two am..is poor budgeting really my biggest problem?

Emotional Twins

I have reunited with a male friend that is the emotional twin to a male relative. They had vastly different childhoods,yet, they are united in their morning routines,driving styles, and their emphasis on nutrition. My friend has said nearly the same words to me as my relative has said to me
..one thing he has said to me

that my relative has not said...my friend says he is proud of me..and when he does

I feel a healing