Fresh View

A friend captured my talking face on video. I felt strange watching myself..my neck and arms were out there for everyone to see..my nose looked like it could have been airlifted from my father's face..and I appear to have the same haircut as my mother in late 1980s. Seeing myself from a new angle created a fresh view..

Asse Talk

Everyday people talk out of their asse and I must not let their asse talk distract me. I, to easily, hand over my emotions in reaction to unsolicited and uninformed opinions regarding certain upcoming life events. They turn out to be wrong and my inner voice will turn out to be right. I must remember this and keep it in the front of my mind daily.

Emotional Trifecta

A friend informed me that I come off as a bitch that is both hysterical and hard on myself...just the emotional trifecta I was shooting for...

I am Afraid

I am afraid. I work everyday to advance progress on goals. Advancement is not clear am I not smart in how I go about creating progress. How I will know..I have asked the universe and people..Society is not stepping up to the plate to display positive life signs... How does a person know if they are on a train that is moving forward or on a train that is stuck on the tracks.

Hibernate in my Successes

getting ready to perform stand up comedy was rooted in fear. Every aspect was terrifying and it made me physically sick. I would sit outside and smoke with an inability ..to the point of being a mummy..of making small talk with anyone.. I have lightened up..I hibernate in my successes and slough off my failures..Stand up can be fun now..I breath in the positive reaction that the crod gives me. it is silly what we do to ourselves

Shutting it Down

A friend woke up me this week. When discussing how the person teaching me to put a picture on a website reacted negatively to the picture, my friend requested a change in human behavior. He wondered why the person did not strictly teach the procedure without the petty evaluations. The question forced me to think about how I get side tracked with addressing petty evaluations...instead of shutting it down

Reliving Conversational History

I have treated certain conversations with a certain male friend as continuations of certain word exchanges of married relatives Sitting on a loveseat watching cable and chatting with a male friend was the scene for my reliving of conversational history. I asked my couch companion if I was talking to loud to the point of annoyance..he would say no and I would not accept the answer and release it..I kept asking and interupting the natural rhythm of our hang out wording. I realized,later, I had witnessed the same voiced concerns during my formative years.

The Individual Approach

Performing stand up comedy,writing a blog, and cold calling are all forms of seeking acceptance from the unknown massess. I have decided to practice the individual approach..subtract self-loathing from each day until it becomes a foriegn concept.

"This Game"

GIRL: My parents would tell their friends that it was a shame that I was born. BOY: Yeah,well my parents told me,to my face, that they wish I hadn't been born. GIRL: I never win at this game.

Worthy of a Smile

Reacting to a client's smile brought me directly back to the first time I was in the rays his smile. I spat out verbal chunks of nervousness during our encounters..both my verbal and body language was defensive... When I engage in our convos, he smiles at me like..I am only the person in a crowded room..like he had never heard anything as exceptional as what was expounding from my mouth. NOW..I feel worthy of the spectacular smile..

Gift of Fear

Performing stand up comedy has been a transforming emotional experience. I used to overthink every aspect of my performance and use the petty evaluations for self loathing. Friends pointed out that I was showing up for my fear by appearing on stage. The gift of facing my fear melted my self loathing in more areas then comedy. Are you showing up for your fear?

Efficient Learning

I am beginning to adapt to a fresh learning process. My current lifestyle has fueled a motivation to unite my brain with viable material for a better daily life while stripping away the unneeded information. wanting to learn to be efficient in how I learn

Random Cruelty

Meeting Harry made me angry. He is in his nineties with a full set of marbles. My mother was forbidden from her set of marbles. The random cruelty of dementia can make me angry.

Not Yet

I have learned not to wonder why he rejected me. I have learned not to contact
him.

I have not learned how not to want to call him to relay a story that I think only
he would understand....not yet

Other Mothers

A part of my life was devoted to searching for older women to collect for opportunities to extract "life experience" rooted advice. Wanting to relive being
on a mother's couch or in a mother's kitchen being armored with their home cooking and their self strengthening outlook.

A recent crop of older women invoked a powerful need to,in me, break free from their classifications of me...

I realized that they may have more experience at life...yet I had more experience
learning how to be me

Green T-Shirt

My security blanket and I are on borrowed time. I wear a green t-shirt to work, to Starbucks and to sleep..sometimes all in the same day..the source of cotton hangs down to my knees and when I was due to attend a ladies lunch I paniced because even I know a
cartoon large garment was not suitable for such an encounter..

The size of the t-shirt represents the size of my wonderment of whether I am on the right life course...or maybe when I am fearful about my selection of my course of action..I want to turn to a reliable comfort

Martin Luther King's dream

Standing near the jungle gym watching black,hispanic and white kids playing games on the grass. I realized I was witnessing Martin Luther King's dream. Kids of all colors judging each other by their character not by the color of their skin.

Male Call

I am a profilic sender of notes,letters and cards. Men exhibit a much larger attitude of gratitude..certain men have expressed a sadness at finding their mailbox sans a card from me. Do you think that written cards and notes are considered refreshing in the male world? What about using a card to break the ice with a certain male friend?..let me know the results rebecca.shea@yahoo.com..or release a few words in the coment posting

To Many Cookies

Entering a Subway or Paradise Bakery near closing time apprears to be a societal invitation to have dozens of cookies thrust in my face. The cookie pusher accompanies her pushing of the cookies or coupon for free cookies across the counter while whispering "there are so many cookies ..u might as well take them...we will just throw them away". I am requesting a reduction or a moratorium on the corporate baking of SO MANY COOKIES A dozen cookies were inflicted on me and mantained the chain by inflicting them as a hostess gift when visiting a friend.

"Next Time"

A man rejected me. Thinking about the next time we would talk flooded my thoughts. I thought about telling him stories that only him would understand. We did, finally, connect. It was a let down. My vision of the "next time" turned out to be better then the actual interaction with the actual partner.

Past Rebecca

Crumbling under the shame of wearing new balance tennis shoes on their last laces. I broke down and popped into the marshalls clearance shoe section. Bouncing in the absorption of new shoes, I began to absorb how I once was... A past rebecca would pop into the same marshalls and tour clearance areas for myself and others. Walking out of marshalls and into a picture show was my cure for feeling powerless. My whole field trip was narrated with my declaring that it was okay that I was not soaring..concluding all my thoughts with classifying myself as fortunate I see my current self tapping the shoulder of my former self in the clearance section..saying: YOU CAN AND WILL SOAR..DREAM BIGGER..DO NOT LET OTHERS DICTATE THE SIZE OF YOUR DREAM...

Starting Midstory

Saying hello appears to be a tricky word for me to utter. I start my phone conversations mid-story. Most of my e-mails are without a greeting. I tend to wait until the other person says hello first and then I respond accordingly. My verbal stuck wheel in the mud also applies to my work day. Walking through the hallway without having to say hello to my employer relaxes my whole body. Hey let's not just stop at verbal greetings..there are days when having to put my hand up to acknowledge the Starbucks shift supervisor feels monumental. I have begun practicing saying hello first to the Starbucks "partners"..it is my safe place after all

"Cold Greet"

Choosing a seat in a row a booths identical to a row of cars outside a drive-through window. I began chatting with the back of the man's head in the booth directly in front of me. Our talk was concluded with my proclaiming that he will truly love my blog and giving him my blog link. The relationship started with wei fei and ended with a "cold greet"

Line of seduction

"Tell me everything about yourself..I want to hear everything" is a most seductive line. The seduction is richer when a long-term friend says it because they know the length and the width of what can emerge from my mouth.