daily dialogue

My daily calls with a real estate agent friend have ended with the below dialogue:

Friend:(sounding like a cough)I wore out my voice from being on the phone

Me: okay, you do not need to talk, I will do all the talking

Friend: okay

Me: Okay, okay ,So, this is it, okay, so, alright,okay, I think I accidentally offended the African American bank teller by telling her she looked like an actress from roots, I got a pedicure from the "Korean" salon, I get embarrassed with the condition of my feet but then I remember they may come from a wartorn country with killing fields and then I feel less embarrassed. I did not eat today and then I ate and now I fell really uncomfortable. maybe it is better just not to eat, Avie refuses to call me, that relationship is to hard, it is to painful I do not want to do it
anymore, I don't know,I don't know, I don't know

Why aren't you answering me? I find it really annoying, I mean I really hate it when people do not answer people.

Friend: You said I did not have to talk

Me: Oh yeah, nevermind

painting by numbers

I am ready to surrender hope that I behaved differently during my past. The problem is I am not quite sure how to do it. My plan is to view my past as a paint by numbers set and repaint a number at a time. I, really, only think of my past behavior and not how people have treated me in the past. Perhaps one of my numbers should be having the same empathy for myself as I do for members from my past.

for today

I have been spending my present focused on my past. The preoccupation of the bad memories consumes me with feelings of
powerlessness
because I do not know how it starts or stops. Resulting in being wrapped in fear that my fifties will be colored with certain thoughts instead of traveling through Greece. (note to self: overthink much?)
Bravehearts reminded me to take it one day at a time..I know there will be days when I will be taking it one minute at a time.

For today, I am grateful to have beloveds that keep me on the right track

life is a daily process

unprepared

I over thought and over communicated on the behalf of others for most of my life. I never wanted people to be caught off guard,surprised
or unprepared. While I was preparing others, I was not preparing myself for life's surprises. My poor planning nearly left me homeless and penniless. Putting yourself first is not selfish, it is survival.

emotional work-out

The same day I joined a gym, I discovered that a person from my past was a member. A man that rejected me twice. Even though I was rejected twice, I continued to pursue him. Anxiety and shame are framing my outlook regarding seeing him. I must use this as an opportunity to forgive myself for past social behaviors.

trade-off

I participate in two friendships that are less then ideal. There is a price to these relationships and I choose to pay them. I know that they will not change their price of unreliability..so right now I am sticking with my decision to take in what they have to offer.

Being a Power Source

what I want to impart, on you, is not to be distracted by how people react to you. Life becomes more clear and less of nervous behaviors. And when you fail, you will fail on your terms. There is an undiluted affirming energy that you will send out to the world. Do you not want to be the sender of that powerful energy? Just think of the freedom and the results you will garner. To be such a power source is my life's work.

brain tickler

When is quitting a process giving up or moving on? My brain is tickled by this question. While I introduce myself to the explanation of my not being a good fit to certain life roles, the nagging question always remains. Am I giving in because I am not reaching a level of success as easily and quickly as I expected. Maybe I will never know, maybe I need to wait until my nagging questions have ceased.

glide

Body-surfing the ways life is unpredictable forces me to glide on the clear tranquil ripples that life gives us... a friendly text message, a successful work day, not being overdrawn at the bank..we all have our idea of a good life moment..let's savor as we smoothly glide over them

token in my slot

I was asked out by a city bus driver. A certain question chipped away at my usual reluctance to social interaction...when he puts his token
in a girl's slot , does he ask "all in"?

bubbles

Another day, another eternal flood of soda. Drinking soda has grown from a rationed emotional nectar to my soul comfort. The sugar adding air to my ballooning stomach while bubbles of anxiety float over my ability to sleep. I choose to believe awareness and desire will
quench my thirst for my over-flow of soda cravings.

emotional tool kit

We all have an emotional survival kits. A tool I have decided to add to my kit is the mantra, " I also bring something to the table". The preceding phrase is both simple and empowering..I will select this tool of empowerment for discussions with clients or for any other imtimidating situations. We are worthy of using all tools that are available to us for our best life.

not ready

I wanted to bring two friends of mine together. I thought I asked all the right questions and conducted all the vital research. They came together and had unmistakable chemistry. The one question I did not think to ask, do you feel worthy of being treated properly.

labels

A friend informed me my choice of response was passive aggressive. I was not aware of a specific motive or agenda when participating in my dialogue with him. While I welcome my friends to express feelings of discomfort with my behavior, I may not always welcome my behavior to be classified or labeled.

personality blueprint

A male friend re-entered my life. Even though their backgrounds and surface qualities are diverse, my friend has a striking similarity to my father..I mean down to the same morning routine and phrasing. The identification has placed me at an emotional crossroads. Do I maintain a relationship with a built in answer key or spread my wings with a completely new type of friend? time will reveal the answer

marketting for power

I am standing in the check-out line while holding chicken. I eat a stunning amount of chicken but that is another story. While claiming my protein of the evening, I have begun to claim a more advanced place in line...simply by asking to go ahead of any shopper with a fuller cart
Enter the market for chicken. Exit with empowerment

funk

This happens in the summer::
I get into a funk, reliving human discomfort both by my hands and others. I believe it is okay to feel all ways negative, it is not to blame anyone for my emotional swamp.
I am not a lone in feeling this way, I am open to read your solutions.

wrong focus

Sitting in a darkened cinema, absorbed by my escort. Showing my investment by whispering in his ear that he is better looking then the featured actor while caressing his thigh. Reversing the focus onto me was the reaction to realizing my admiration was not returned.

blindly

I used to blindly engage in dialogues of all lengths and forms, returning calls,texts and emails to people that were not a good fit for my tribe. It is now the time to pause and declare it was their decision to contact me and it is my decision whether to reinforce it.

bacon

The band was playing, I was cutting a mean rug. Got a ride from a boy in the crowd. Awoken by a girlfriend asking if I got lucky. Aww,yeah, he treated me to bacon and eggs.

going out

There are those moments, right before getting into the shower to get ready to go out when you start to talk yourself out of it. staying in saves money, dress may not fit, are those the right shoes? Extracting the splinters of doubt, I got ready and left my apartment. It turned out to be one of the most pivotal nights of my life. Leaving home can change your life.