Electric Chair

I had lunch with a public defender.  He cut the meal short because he had to finish a brief to save a man from being given death.

I thought, Really? parading the electric chair to escape being with me? Asking  for a "to-go box" would have sufficed

Hurdle

I was getting ready to go out with a group of people. A friend called.

Friend: "Are you excited about tonight?"

Me: "I think once I get over the hurdle of putting my tights on..I might become excited"

Macaroni and Cheese

I am starting to realize that I put to much emotional pressure on macaroni and cheese.

Pearl Ring

People comment on my wearing pearls to my performances..I wear pearls because my mother gave me a pearl ring and I want to wear her spirit when I engage in any potentially life changing experiences

Double I

A friend's daughter was bathed in a story I was telling her mother..my words were being fauceted via speaker phone..her daughter yelps "TMI DOUBLE I"

Social Slate

I use public wi-fi a lot.  It creates opportunities to observe other people's behaviors.  People will be chatter-boxes and I will start to judge them..then I start to think about how they could be lonely..

and then I am able to forgive all their verbal behavior..Loneliness wipes a lot of a social slate clean

All I Need

All I have to do is keep going.  It is okay that my hair is not styled a certain way.It is okay that I am not wearing a certain amount of  make-up. It is okay that I do not make excellent witty points in conversation.  However the amount I contact people, it is okay.

Because I only need to keep going

In the Body

I wrote a guy an email.  I thought it made perfect sense..it embodied all the concepts and words discussed during our last phone conversation..I thought I was being clear and  direct

He responded with a message that requested clarity:  "Will you please explain what this means..I do not understand it"

Getting the mail seeded the question," How many people do not understand other people's expression of communication  and keep on walking"?

9PM

9pm is the hardest hour of my 24 hours. Making it over the cusp to 10 pm or 11pm always gives me a sense of  an emotional victory.  My defenses are most weak when I am crossing this bewitching hour

so this is when I may make calls and send messages ..calls and messages that I would probably want to take back in the morning..

Take Me or Leave me

I was talking to a guy..I was telling him my value..as I was doing it..I thought I do not want to testify
to my appeal..He can take me or leave me..

Last Texted Word

A person will text me..usually a guy..a short texting dialogue will be exchanged..I will start to caress the key board to respond ..then I will flash on how I would feel if he does not respond and I will be the last person to text..

A LOT LESS EMPOWERED

Sex on a Plate

A man texts me that he had a baked potato..I got so turned on..

Me: "Did you let melted butter drip into all the crevices"

Man:"Yes..all the nooks and crannies"

Me: " Did you release sour cream..was it smothered with sour cream"?

Man: "Yes..yes..the whole works bacon bits.."

Me: "OOOO..yeah bacon bits"

Man: "You know..you can ask me anything..you do not need to be subliminal..really"

Me: "No, I was really asking about your baked potato"

"Cup Size"

I was talking to a man on the phone

Man: "What is your "cup" size?

Me: "You know, my "cup" size"

Man: "Yeah, I wanted to hear you say it in your voice"

Mashed Potatoes

I do not know if I have ever met a man that has satisfied me as much as mashed potatoes

The Bladerunner Trial

I have been digesting all the available articles on the " BLADE-RUNNER TRIAL"

I can not help wonder if Oscar did not expect his blond beauty of a girlfriend to never  go to the
restroom

Was a catheter Reeva's only line of defense?

Less is More

I applied for a job.  The potential employer informed me that I was to old to hire..I had entered an age group that , according to an unknown mysterious God of human resources, was difficult to train..

I was caught off guard..many days I feel I am still in 8th grade and my mother is trying to teach me the  concept, "LESS IS MORE"

Proposal

During the course of a word exchange, a man stated, " I like to let you talk uninterrupted"

I proposed

Lips

When I was looking in the mirror..the beauty of my lips captured my attention

Which one of your features captures your attention?

PantyHose

Today I stripped away my typical attire of grey bagginess.  I applied make-up, a dress and wine colored panty hose.

Certain men looked up when I entered multiple Starbucks dotted through out Phoenix..I may wear hose everyday..OR

Better yet, sleep in them ..so I will be ready for the men's eyes first thing in the morning..

Lucky

I participated in a job interview today.  I got an email informing me that I did not get the job.  What I know is that I did the best I could..What I do not know is what else I could have done.

Sitting on the bus..marinating this point of belief..the bus stopped and picked up a passenger with

A.L.S..He had no use of his hands or feet..

I was,then, reminded of how lucky I was ..

Inside Job

An effective way to change your outside is to change your inside

Crash Course

Being on Facebook can be a crash course on making peace with your past

Competition

Sitting at a Starbucks..Observing a man speak for what feels like an hour straight..about himself..how self absorbed..

I am sensing competition

Social Status

I met a single woman.  We volleyed backgrounds.  She revealed that she only has one friend.  I thought that was brave..I viewed it, as this is the status of social life, take it or leave it

..In the Shower

I am fascinated by overweight men that wear t-shirts that do not come down to their waist.  Do they think showcasing their hairy doughiness is a look that people want to get know better?

I can not imagine high-lighting my physical low points..

I,mean, hey I wear scuba gear in the shower

Another Rejection

I have a crush on a FBI agent..I am sort-of hoping he gets shot in the line of duty..I do not think I could experience another rejection

Breast-Man

A woman and I were discussing fixing up a woman with a man.  She knew the woman and I  knew the man.

Me: "Does she have large breasts?, he is a breast-man"

Woman: " Her breasts are on the small-side..and you know that IS just to damn bad"

Forgot I Had

I have begun to tackle the sorting of  the cluttered corners of my ghetto pad.  Pulling apart certain boxes has proven to be a form of a materialistic emotional timeline. 

Discovering a  group of rings reminds me of how I used to scope out Macy's for rings on sale.

Rings that I had to have .. I forgot I had

Between the Legs

I began to   believe that my body shape was changing when I  started to see sunshine between my legs

On Top of the Pyramid

A group of us captured by our wi-fi dominated cubicles staking out the printer at Kinko's ..a ringing phone divided our group into individuals..a man transitioned his fingers from computer keys to his phone's keys..ending his day's description with "I love you like you are on top of the pyramid"

isn't that a cool way to say, "You are the tops, baby"

"And Now It Is"

Daily situations invoke involuntarily verbal phrases .. I would like to stop ..not clear when I will..maybe when I am fifty:

When the bus is in view, I have to blurt out to the ragtag group of bench warmers, " the bus is coming"

When I pay for items that are less then 2 dollars with a debit card, I have to say with a shake of my hand, " I do not have any paper money"

The phrase, "No Rush" rolls off my tongue when requesting something from all service people

Whenever I relay a story to a friend, I assure the listener with, " It's almost over"


and now it is

Drunk Calling

There is a man that I talk to routinely via the phone.  Tonight, I confirmed that he engages in our phone conversations drunk..he  evaluates me and forgets what he has said in the morning..

It is a good thing that I have not bought into his assessments

FWB

A  man texts me, he was sick.  Feeling weak and yucky overall..I asked him if he was craving certain foods..did his mom shoot over with his favorites?

He informed me his craving was for a FWB..now I can be tragically unhip ..slow on the cracking of  certain texting abbreviations..my only thought was it was perhaps "fat white babe"

Thinking..oh so maybe he is a chubby chaser..that is interesting

it is FRIEND WITH BENEFITS

Conflicting Reports

A woman called me.  She informed me that a mutual male friend did not like me calling him.

The male friend would tell me the opposite.  It is hard to navigate social landscapes when getting conflicting reports.

Why is this even an issue in my forties? When receiving her report..I thought if she is right..it is a shame he would not be able to tell me, himself..

Shouldn't We?

A  man pointed out that a certain woman engaged in self loathing .."such self-loathing" were his words..

Don't we all? a little bit? Shouldn't we all? a little bit?

Body Surfing Friend

I have been depressing..almost completely depressing ..to talk to..to make the dreariness unvarnished I rarely waver between two key subjects ..the only variable during my phone conversations are the different ways I feel the two subjects have "wronged" me..

I share my lack of glee with a certain phone friend.  She never complains.  She never tells me how it would be better if I was different..

She body surfs my rutty wave with me almost daily.

Almost Primal

Walgreen's has large holiday displays of candy..Easter is here at the heels of Valentine's day..I will walk up to the display..taking in all the colors and sizes of candy on the shelves..

I will grab an individually wrapped shape of chocolate..ripping it open and gobble it down in two bites..

It seems like an almost  primal act..

Social Circle of Sleeping Pills

There are certain nights,when, whoever I call..will start our conversation with I only have about twenty minutes until my sleeping pills kick in..

Is this a sign..I need to re-evaluate my social circle?

My Mother's Anniversay

I was assembling the loose sections of a newspaper.  A metro section headlined, FREE ALZHEIMER'S SCREENINGS.. today is the anniversary of my mother's death from complications from "loosing her marbles"

Good Life-Fit

When people insulted me, I used to think they were having a bad day.  I,now, wonder if they are a good life fit.

Decreasing Body Parts

I used to eat more, to piss off, the people that expressed a hatred for my appearance. The universe
removed a specific group of haters (from my life)  and my food portions reduced naturally. 

I did not feel deprived and my body parts decreased

What is it about Coupons?

What is it about coupons? Whenever a friend offers me coupons for neighborhood restaurants..I can not turn them down..

Then even when I know I will not be using the coupons..I can not throw them away until they reach their  expiration date..

It Would be Worse...

I thought about being sad about being alone on St.Valentine's day..then I thought about how much worse it would be to be with the wrong person..a person with a violent temper..or a person that told me what was wrong with me..

V-Log Volunteering for Mistreatment

Do you volunteer for mistreatment? What is your normal? being treated with kindness or being bullied

Watch it until the end! it is important

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLdsBYJBJ30

Who is Luckier?

I was telling a childhood friend that I was asked to plan a party at a gallery..the listener reacted," you are lucky to be interacting with him"

I sparred back, " you should be saying that he is lucky to be working with me"

The Person..

I do not want to be the person that gets texts holiday greetings..I wanted to be the person that gets invited to the party..

"NO Witnesses"

A male friend explained to me that he would not want to ever have sex with his friends...supporting his position with the statement ," I do not want to have see them on a routine basis..that is why
I like one night stands"

Agreeing, I said, " Yeah, no witnesses"

Disposed

A male friend disposed of me in a most cold way.  He called me..he was friendly and acted like there was no history of mistreatment..

I consulted a family friend..I do not feel good when I interact with him..not at peace with how we parted ways..She would say, " Do you think you can turn a corner"?

Not wanting to be an angry person..I sailed on and took his calls..

I have decided..it is not okay to dispose of me..and not remain to exchange sides of a story

Drinking Habits

I was joking about a mutual friend's drinking habits.  The woman,I was talking to, said," Oh he quit

Alcoholism, a long time ago"..

A lot of Weight

A man exclaimed, " you have lost a lot of weight!, you have done it..you are doing it"

I informed him, it was not about loosing weight..it was about not being at the mercy of the grocery aisles..about not leaving the house at 2AM in search of M&Ms ..feeling a lack of control..

Turn it on Them

I ran into a woman.  She asked about my dating life..I said, " I give really good  phone and text yet it hasn't materialized into anything substantial"..

She responded," Really, I know women that are much bigger then you and they're dating a lot"..

I never quite sure how to respond when offered this type of comparisons....

Perhaps "So What'?

Failed to Dazzle

I wonder if the idea of the eating certain foods is,frequently, better then the eating of the actual foods.

This evening, I was drawn to a restaurant that had fries and ranch dressing on their menu.  The plate arrived and it failed to  dazzle me or give emotional comfort from the consumption.

..Now I am thinking about the waste of money!

War Vet?

I met a woman at a party. 

Me:" Oh, yeah, right, I met your husband ..he is a vet, right"?

Woman: "because I am patriotic"

Me: "No, an animal doctor"

It does Matter

Today, I hit an emotional nadir.  I was feeling angry..alone..hateful of certain behaviors ..comparing and despairing was also mixed in..

I realized it was a reaction to the people I  associated with recently..in the last few days.. the words they used when talking to me..what they asked me..at the time I did not feel bothered by it..I understood some of it..

My sadness is teaching me that it does matter who I select to share my time

Musical Notes

There is a woman, at "my Starbucks" singing at full volume.  She is singing to the coffeehouse's soundtrack...her singing begged the thought..does she realize she is singing out loud..and does she know that she is not Aretha Franklin..or even Aretha's cousin

If she knows how bad she is and yet is still surrendered to the moment..I admire her a lot ..because
she must not care what other people think of her..

Swiped Icing

The bakery at "my market" has tray after tray of different types of doughnuts.  There is one tray in particular that features glops of chocolate icing..I trowel the icing off the black tray with my ring finger..as I place the swiped icing on my tongue my thoughts split between wanting more and wondering why I continue to risk the humiliation of being caught ..

I can not be the only one that takes this type of risk for a few seconds of satisfied taste buds

Taking Turns

I was standing near the almond roca chatting with a woman during a party.  Describing a process..I said "jargon..vernacular.."

She said, "I know the meaning of jargon"..

I explained to her that I was eternally questioning my selection of the word, jargon..

Then I proposed that we take turns being defensive..

"This Crazy Thing"

I do this crazy thing.  I will crave mashed potatoes..I will leave my ghetto-pad in search of  a serving of mashed potatoes and gravy..I will visualize it..I will be determined that this is my source of satisfied relaxation..

I will arrive at the restaurant..ready to order this comfort food..then at the moment of truth ..I will order Macaroni and cheese

I have no defense..

Water

I woke up at 7AM this morning.  I had a vision of  countless people in countless diners begging for water and glugging it down.

Past Present

A woman has committed multiple transgressions against me..some days it feels like an amount worthy of filling a library..

People will ask me why I maintain the relationship..My defense is that she is a piece of my past..

I am starting to realize that it is more important  to focus on the present then the past

A Contest?

A woman pointed out my weight loss..almost in the same breath she pointed out the largess of another woman.." she is a lot bigger then you"

Is it a contest?

Blisters

A woman   worked on her feet for a nine hour day.  She exclaimed, " I get my paycheck in two weeks..yet..these blisters are coming home with me tonight" 

Social Time-Travel

I was bullied during my senior year in high school..most of  my formative years were delovely..Hearing certain names will immediately time travel me to that year..people yelp, " GET OVER IT..it was twenty-odd years ago..

I am not there yet..

I stopped

I was terminated from a job.  I began to call myself a loser..then I stopped..I am not going to let them do that to me..

His Adultery

A friend's marriage has unraveled due to his adultery.  Nearly every time I talk to her..I tell her of a friend in a similiar situation..

I am sure she does not want to be defined by this part of her past..She is all about being her future

Even Cherished

While a man was reporting his dating war stories to me ..I thought..well you could have dated me..you would not have been hurt..you have been treated very well perhaps even cherished..

Good Point

I  ,routinely, check in with people about certain areas of their life.  Recently, a woman asked, who checks in with you?

Good Point

That Memory

I observed a woman sitting in a leather chair smiling..I would like to have the memory that gave her that moment of joy

Ease of slipping ...

Today, I engaged in a conversation with my former prom date.  High school graduation was the last time we talked.  The ease of slipping into a word exchange frequently strikes me dumb..

If there is a person from your past..that you curious about..seek them out..it maybe one of the best
dialogues you have had in a long time

Biblical

A person pointed out that the name, Rebecca, is biblical..Yeah, I know! I have that printed on my business cards

About Myself

A friend called.  She described a crisis occuring in her life.  While she was talking..I kept thinking..when will she stop talking..so I can talk about myself

Lowe's

God is his savior.  He was laid off from Home Depot.  Perhaps God will direct him to apply for employment with Lowe's?

Leting me Finish

I walk  with a woman multiple times a week. I described my dismissal  from a job during a walk.
She would cut me off by  saying it was a painful development.. I thought it was   more then a painful development   she would not let me finish my view of my development

Not Becky

I detest the name Becky.  When people do not want to use the name Rebecca, I would prefer the nickname "Beck" or Becca.  I use the name,Rebecca, 98% of the time.

There is a woman that does  not appear to respect my name preference.  She tells people that know me as Rebecca to refer to me as Becky.

A person's identity is one' s most important possession

Back Seat

In my twenties, I would fantasize about getting it on with a guy, in the backseat, of a yellow car
while it is in motion..

In my forties, I would be concerned about getting a pinched nerve

Ordering Sexual Positions?

Standing in line "at my Starbucks", I heard a man order a sumatra..isn't that a sexual position?

Maybe I should rethink my view of their level of customer service?

Suzy Q

A recent phone conversation with my "daily call"

Rebecca: Suzy Q scolded me..her tone of made me bristle

Daily Call: I do not know what to say to you...this woman has shown she does not give a shit about you

Rebecca: yes, Iam sorry to have put you through that..

"No, Really"

I engaged in a conversation with a gentleman caller

Rebecca: I am quite entertaining and appealing..!

Guy: I know..(said in a determined manner)

Rebecca: No, really I am

Ripe

A tear will unroll  from my eye like a sleeping bag on a camping trip.  An emptiness will greet me
after certain work shifts on certain weeknights.

The emptiness ripens me to engage in social situations that do not highlight my better self. While  I am not confident that  I have the answer to changing..I search for it everyday

perhaps other people experience the same darkness..they are Far superior at not showcasing it.

Took to my Leg

I made the bold confident choice of  trying on a pair of jeans.  Not clear on sizing, I grabbed a pair from the clearance rack..I tried them on..wrong size..wrong choice..

The jean pant leg took to my leg like the wrap that nurse applies to your arm when she is taking your
blood pressure..a few moments of panic occurred as I peeled them off

Using Me

A man said in so many words that he was using me to meet one of my friends.  I wanted him to be MY friend..he always had a refreshing outlook on life..really interesting guy

That night, I greeted my bed with tears..then I stopped..he told me nobody is worth crying over..