Frayed Tapestry

I knew a guy.. we would laugh a lot and were stimulated by each other's words..there was always a ripple of peace in our backdrop of merry intellectual advancement..then one day, the relationship unraveled like a frayed tapestry

The universe removed him for me..the hole created by the man's void..was filled with a sense of relief..less interupted peace..

9AM

A barrista described her sleep the night before she must awake for her morning shift at Starbucks.

She goes to bed after eating dinner...wakes up every hour due to fear of oversleeping..getting up
in the dark...feeling like she is going against her natural time clock..

I know the feeling..I,once, had to be somewhere at 9am

Inside

Sitting in a Starbucks..staring out the window..I saw a group of people engaging in sign language

maybe they thought,it was to loud to talk inside ...

Good Walk and Talk

I was feeling grey. My "Starbucks boyfriend" and I shared our short walk to "our Starbucks"..our word exchange concluded with his reinforcement of my knowledge that I must do all that is within
my power towards creating a desired result and let go the rest..

good walk and talk

Expertise

A neighbor pointed out,to me, that we all need our own sense of expertise..people need to believe they are proficient in certain life skills

Riddle

I will run behavior by a couple of friends.  They will ask me," Why are you making such a big deal about what he is doing..or saying"

I explain to them..that I do not view it as a big deal .... I view certain behaviors as a riddle and I was seeking an answer from my selected listener..

Train Station

I view life as a train station. Trains arrive and depart with my co-life participants..I may never have a train schedule for the people in my life..I choose to believe that their train departs when the teaching of their asigned lesson has been completed..

This theory has helped gotten me through certain moments

Change-Agent

Pixels of my concentration had been absorbed by other people's behavior.  The dialogue of others had become the main source of  my dialogue with my daily call. 

Emotionally, I thought, I need to change my focus..move on..become more balanced..hitting a stress peak

Unstable sleep pattern was the change-agent..I could not sleep for two nights..that did the trick

Cookies for a Potluck

I bought cookies,the night before, a potluck.  The act triggered memories of when I would be unable to keep cookies in the house prior to a potluck..I would eat them and then have to buy more cookies,right before, the potluck...

It did not occur to me to eat them.....I must take a moment to acknowledge any form of my progress..for me to have a chance at feeling a sense of  perspective regarding my overall behavior

Quick Hello

I ran into a woman friend at the market.  I greeted her with a gentle wave.  A flood of words flowed out her mouth..the water was defensiveness about being distracted by a text she sent her husband..

I was coming from a place of a quick hello and well wishes

It is a shame what we do to ourselves

Remaining Portions

I am learning to throw away my remaining portion of  food instead of forcing myself  to finish food that I do not have an appetite for or have room in my stomach

Sense of Insecurity

There are people from different chapters of my life that will never affirm me.  I,think, I know this..then I will find myself in a situation where I am performing an action that is only submerged in a need to be given approval from a member of a past subculture of people..

Knowing I can,easily, slip into such a needful action gives me  a sense of insecurity about certain future relationships.

Continuing Enlightenment

I can get  stupid crazy..within two days before a holiday..with thoughts of anxiety about being alone during Thanksgiving..

A woman friend and I were discussing being alone on a major holiday...She ended our talk by saying, isn't it lovely to have a day that where we do not have to do anything,be anywhere or be with anyone
we do not like..

The moment she said that..my thankfulness for her continuing enlightenment was refreshed

Serial?

A woman informed me that she never hears her co-workers talk about each other.  Shocked, I asked her if she was serial ...

She said, no, I am Charmaine

Conflicted Fantasy

There is a boy from my past..I thrive to  stop sobbing on a routine basis and fully accept his absence from my daily life

My fantasy is to be able to see him in  Grand Central Station and not look back...I greet the fantasy with conflict..if the man and I become passing strangers..I certainly wasted a lot on him

Learning Must

I must learn to accept what people can give me instead of being mad at them for what they can not

Sharp Again

My mother spent her final chapter without her marbles. During the course of my days, I will wish to fight with my mother because then she would be sharp again..

Cheddar Cheese

I was eating morsels of cheese..a small, loving dog looked up at me and his eyes seem to ask:  "are you,really, going to eat that crumb of cheese"?...

It seems crazy

Today, a friend called to assure me of my value.. It seems crazy, to me, that I must be assured of my value..yet I do..My friends are not pressured to perform this evaluation..

Perhaps there are people, in your life, in my position..Do you let them know their value?

Head Voices

My clothes are becoming to baggy. Searching for reduced basics to enable me to present a better fit..the advice of a friend pops into head..

if isn't my mother's voice, then, it is a gay crush's voice in my head guiding my movements

Velcroed

Are you like this? 

Last weekend, I got several compliments about my looks and my behavior.  I absorbed them.

Then, a person repeated an insult he received regarding my behavior..the insult Velcroed to my brain..

wiping away all the positive reinforcement of the previous days

My chosen belief is that a change will be in my future..the complement will Velcro and the insult will be wiped away

Daggered with Stories

The re-opening of  "my Starbucks" invited a reunion with a certain patron.  We maintained an email relationship during the koffey-klatch's temporary closing. 

Tonight, the man and I came together to operate our keyboards in a silence daggered with sporadic stories.

He presented a story of a customer describing me as boring.  I do not know the person
that submitted his negative evaluation of me.

I took it hard..I felt sad for myself that I let the words of an unknown person divert my attention..in a defeating manner 

Fuck You Money

I was touring a showroom of fashion today.  shoes..bracelet..flannel jammies ..button down chambray shirts..grey pants..green wrap around dress..caught my eye.  Thinking that all my choices would be useful. . would always be in style..

So would be a FUCK YOU savings account..I left without making a purchase

Unearned Lessons

A part of my adulthood was spent determined not to repeat my parent's mistakes.  I viewed them as lessons without having to have earned them...through pain or regret..

I am,now, fearful that I will duplicate the mistakes.

No Expiration Dates

I send cards to people to pass on positive wishes.  A woman informed me that she keeps one of my cards in her car.  Another woman reported that she reads my sent card daily.

There is no expiration date on written affirmations

Grating

I need to believe that my voice has an inability to be grating.  My voice,only, has universal appeal.

A man began to label my voice as grating...Before he could complete the word,grating, I began to aggressively shut down the conversation by saying..NO NO NO!!

He withheld a more complete evaluation

Ear-Blasting

A man observed that my voice can go,without warning, from whispering to ear-blasting.  Embodied in my appreciation  for the enlightenment was a verbal desire to change.

He questioned my stated desire. The man informed me that when I change certain behaviors for others, I am going against my authentic self

A part of my being felt wholly accepted.. I do not think life gets much better then that..

Gifts of Time

I thanked an associate and client for their time on the same day.  They both laughed..I asked if it was funny..thinking of my dry delivery..The associate said that the concluding greeting was just so rare

I feel that when a person gives of their time in a calm manner, it is one of the best gifts there is..

sharing time can be a most generous sharing of ourselves

PROTESTING

A friend was publicly insulted.  I witnessed it happen.  I protested the targeting behavior.  A part of me was reluctant..bullying repels me...diverting my attention to focus, however temporary, on the bully repelled me more..I told myself that I was inserting myself where it was not needed..

I,also, thought about being publicly ridiculed in the workplace and hearing my co-workers praise the
attacker..it hurt in a white hot feeling on the cheeks kind of way

Who would I be if I did not learn from that experience and not protest?

Face Value

I see a certain man several times a week.  He talks non-stop..seriously..like non-stop..  He pulled me aside and described his gap in psych medications..a delay in prescriptions...

I asked him if he  verbalized every one of his thoughts due to his lack properly adjusted dosages...The man confirmed the presented theory..

Behavior is not always at face value...

Eye Specs

Leaving my "ghetto pad" defining a grumpy start to my day....anxious about a new meeting..fearful that my outfit was out of season..

I felt I would be okay, once, I got to Starbucks to consume a multi-grain bagel...posing as a sourpuss.. a  man approached me and complimented my eye frames

His words re-configured my whole spirit..kind words is an act we can all do for each other

Faded Leather Couch

Waiting for their coffee, they exchanged a reassuring shorthand.  They became one with the soft leather couch. Holding hands..when she needed her hand to gesture..he replaced her hand with her
thigh..They looked as comfortable with  each other and in their skin as the faded couch did..


I nearly burst into tears..I did not know what I wanted until I watched it....

Condom?

He does not want to use a condom.  He may have expressed concern about a pregnancy risk.

He talked of all sorts of positions while I took the position that his concern was premature

"it is what it is"

Intellectually, I will take the approach of "it is what it is"...Knowing that once I completed everything I could towards the completion in the garnering of a certain result...it was time to release it..

Physically, I loose my breath..the back of my eyes are pressured by a rush of tears or my stomach tightens

I do not know when my physical existence will unite with my emotional existence..

"it is what it is"

Sum of our Parts

I was talking to a new guy.  He is in accounting.  We were discussing a blind meeting.  I told him
when came together to generate interesting conversation..we would be the sum of our parts

He responded by assuring me that I do not have to figure into our conversations math analogies..

No, I kind of do..

"ATTA GIRL"

Last Night, I talked to a man on the phone.  Whenever he liked my suggested placement of his hands.

He would say, "ATTA GIRL"

Learning from #2

I have started to replay my voice mails before I send them to my friends.  It has been a grand learning
experience..When I complete my message..I press the #2 to hear my words firsthand from my mouth..

It has been an eye-opener..I have learned that I do not say "like"or "MMMM"   nearly as much as I feared..I,now, have a new understanding of the effects of my voice and cadence...

living and learning about myself in clear and simple ways

Sexually Frozen

Talking on the phone with a close girlfriend  about  a potentially filling dance card.. specifically regarding an upcoming blind-date..I expressed the thought that I could be sexually frozen..

My experiences with men are not within miles of  the Fenway's home plate of my friend's histories

She assured me that I may not be a lone in that feeling.. that is why she is my daily call

Protein Shake?

Last week, I wanted to eat everything I could see..this week, I have raw hunger without an appetite..

I want to honor my body's needs..I do not want to engage in feelings of deprivation

Is a smoothie or a protein shake the most viable choice

Walking in Gratitude

I always knew what I did not want the purpose of my blog to be...This week I was colored with a fresh realization of  my goals for this blog...

I desire the ripple effect of my written words to be a lessening of  self dislike..beating ourselves up..
a feeling bad of ourselves..

MYSELF INCLUDED...if one reader acquired a more positive perspective of themselves or their behaviors
as result of reading  my stories I would walk in gratitude

Out of my Hands

I have a relative with a violent temper.  The thought of him having children made me anxious.  There
were moments when I wanted his ability to have children to be thwarted.

He never had children. I wasted time and concern on a potential event that never happened..

Furthermore, on an event that  was out of my hands..

So Easy

It would have been so easy to replay the self-peace stripping conversations with a person from my past..over and over..in my head..from the previous week-end

I chose an alternative route...I contacted women that accepted me for who I am..giving me the benefit of the doubt..and thanked them

Combat with Houmer

A friend and I were discussing the difficult  personalities in our lives. We were laughing about the extreme awkwardness of it all..wondering how our lives had gotten to this point...

My friend and I are choosing to combat the thorns of our lives with houmer

Torched

A co-worker publicly insulted my looks.  My girlfriend declared that he should be torched.

Now, that is a good girlfriend!

Walking Away

I thought I was changing..truly evolving..you know, improving my ability to strip away certain negative behaviors that are not relevant to my everyday life.. sadly, no

I was reunited with a person from my past..we share a history with his anger..I was not fearful about
seeing him because I had thought of him in neutral terms during our multi-year separation

When he screamed and waved his arms at me..I reverted back to textbook mistakes in communication
EXCEPT for one

I walked away,first, when he was shouting: MOM AND DAD WISHED YOU HAD NEVER BEEN
BORN!

A good start on the advancing of my emotional timeline

A Beloved's Ending

A beloved finished her email to me with a paragraph starting with the question, "what I like about you"?

The paragraph embodied positive bulletin points reinforcing my behaviors in stories that I had
said in a patchwork of communications...voice mails,letters and rich Sunday catch-ups..

I burst out with such emotion..her decision to end her general email the way she did changed my
whole spirit.

String of Strangers

My "daily call" has a nine year old daughter.  I adore her.  She hears a narrative of my life from the
back seat of her mother's car.

My "little friend" contributed, "I love you,Rebecca,  you have a terrible love life"

I do not have a love life..I know a string of  strangers..or perhaps they are a string of  strange men