Emotional Chem Lab

I will be emotionally generous...kind,affirming and thoughtful..to beloveds and strangers alike...
through out my day.  An agenda is not self-evident when I engage in positive verbal behaviors until
a person springs a mean remark on my senses.

Then, I personify a very clear position.  My internal voice will rant a list of  actions that favored the
perpetrator of the social crime..determined that my acts should give me grace and exclude me from
public insults...

Well, an emotional chem lab does not exist..There is not a recipe of behaviors to put into a beaker
to garner results..

Seizing Moments

I met a man. He complimented my communication style. The man was armed with an I-pad.

I wish I would have asked him, to seize the moment and  to tape me.

Being more in the moment  could create a life change

Earth Angel

A woman walked up to me in a public place.  I had not met her.  She said,  " stay who you are..you are on the right path"

Her delivery embodied such a high level of determination  that I wonder if  certain encounters are
evidence of the presence of earth angels... to give us an emotional nudge when we are wading in self
doubt..

A Lone Gay Crush Broke Free..

Bouncers and gay crushes,alike, reviewed my performance as the "best in show"..One lone gay crush

broke free from the crowd and informed me the different ways I could have been better on stage..

He concluded his "friendly suggestions" by affirming his love for me..

There are times when I would like to be loved differently

Verbal Yeast

Ending a sexually charged call nearly left me stymied..fearing causing a reversal..I blurted out 

"well keep it warm"

He started making bread the next day...my words have become a verbal yeast

Partner Selection

People ask me what I want in a partner, I want a person that will understand  my references

Cursing Insomnia

I will be struggling during certain parts of my day...on the mornings when I  am slow to start the day..walking back to an empty apartment..when I need a cure from insomnia

I reach out to people that have said bad things to me.  When I am doing it..I think I know I should care that my behavior is self-destructive..alternatively, I feel relieved to have gotten through  my
rough patch with the diversion of human interaction.

Conversation conclusions are usually completed with a prayer to the heavens for it to be temporary

Universal Bargain

I bargain with the universe.  I seek an exchange of getting a better job with contributing to person's education fund..or their "how am I going to get through today fund" ...

Walking up the stairs, the thought flashed that I should use my extra money to pay people back
instead of paying it forward.

Redefining Instant Gratification

I redefined my form of instant gratification this week.   I would call men, that were a less then a stellar fit, because they are 98 percent reliable in making me laugh ..in a meaty throaty way..

My usual methods of instant gratification only divert my attention for a few minutes. Deep laughter
 changes my mood.

Yes, it  could be considered a false crutch,yet laughing with my whole body..could regain the spring
in my step

Elephent Memory

A man frequently compares my memory to an elephant.  I,only, express appreciation  for his reinforcement for my memory..no jokes at my expense..

I am displaying a hint of evolution

"My Buttofuco"

My smiles  frequently animate only half my face.  I refer it as "my buttofuco"

I DID THIS!

I have participated in  an open mic night or ten at  local comedy clubs.  Whenever people ask me about my performing side ..a clear reaction emerges from my brain...

I looked back to how I felt whenever I got off stage..I DID THIS...faced fear..

and no-one can take it away from me..

Do you look at  certain acts or behaviors and think: "I DID THIS"

First Impression

A man told me, he learned a lot from a woman's first impression.  The woman's first impression was contrary to her long lasting impression. Her impression can be rated as the right words in an abrupt costume.

The woman turned out be to kind, patient  and highlighted her generous spirit whenever she could.

He learned not to believe he knew a whole person by knowing a smaller part.

Snickers

I was sitting at my desk anticipating the eating of a snickers on my break.  Digging into my bag for my wallet, I rediscovered a letter from a treasured friend.

I stood in quiet and read my card...it lit my spirit..the joy erected from reading the loving message
made the snickers a distant memory..

Straight Forward?

My mother's friend bestowed an observation on me this morning.  She informed me that I am assertive on behalf of others while not on behalf of myself.

I view myself as straight forward more days then not...Is perception more important then reality?

Cementing Distance

My first conversation with him included a line I had always wanted to hear.  He has shown me spots of disrespect ..in response I have shown him spots of distance

Whenever I start to cement my polite distance, I think of  what he has said to me..

Waiting for the Glow

It is kind of weird. I have gotten both sides of  customer service at "my Starbucks".  One shift manager will make me feel like a million dollars and another shift manager will make me feel like
minus a million dollars.

Thinking about the diverse service, I thought, I have had relationships with men like the relationship
I have had with "my Starbucks"

Draped in conflict, waiting for the glow when I am wilted.

Unfolding

There are days when I think my girlfriends want me to be in love more then I do....Whenever I  describe a new guy to a girlfriend...she will verbally wonder if  a consuming love will blossom...

while I am suggesting that we wait to see how it unfolds..

"MEGA MEAT"

Pizza is a choice at my market deli.  A featured style of pizza is "mega meat"..the cashier will cry

to all the shoppers within hearing distance.."MEGA MEAT"! "MEGA MEAT"!  "MEGA MEAT"!


I want to shoot back, it is  a pizza...not your personal ad..

Graceful acceptance

I feel that I am aware of my strengths.  Then there are days when a person  will take in my complements with  such a  high level of grace..that I will be caught off guard by her positive reaction

I will feel a little sad for myself that I am so surprised that my words that will have such a positive

effect..

What is Realistic?

I was walking  in anger.  When  I  peeled away my feelings of anger, I felt hunger.  I felt hunger

for an interesting conversation, fulfillment and  for a knowing I was on the right path.


Life maybe unclear for all.   Is it unrealistic to expect to  feel confident in our life map?

Who's Choice

People's disrespect towards me is their choice.  Making the choice to discontinue receiving disrespect

is my choice.

Her Marriage

A woman described her marriage to me.  He beat the hell out of me, she told me. He used any reason..I really thought that the oven was clean.. I divorced him.

It was over twenty years ago, he is dead now.  I did everything I could.


....Except let yourself off the hook...  

"Jerry Maquire"

             A friend declared that I made him a better man.

  I wondered if he had been watching "Jerry Maquire"

Individual Handshake

I attended a block party.  The guest list was a group of strangers.  I walked up to the different guests,
gave my name, and extended my hand.

While watching the show, a woman approached me.  She informed me I was the only party participant to extend my hand and introduce myself.

The individuality of the moment motivated her to tell me.

Secondary

I was attending a party.  A female guest was urging a form of a romantic interest in a mutual friend.

She pleaded: he is very funny

I shot back: I do not care if he is funny..I care if he is comfortable in his own skin..because everything else is secondary

Jesus Christ

While talking with a client, he asked, me, what I knew of  Jesus Christ?

I responded, I have heard things

Alitude of Shame

I have moments throughout my day when I experience emotional peaks of shame about my behavior.

The peak will reach such a height..a feeling of  being weighed down by a level of shame..that I have to resign  from being at such an  altitude of self loathing..

I frequently wonder if feeling emotionally weighed down will literally weigh down my body

Reducing My Overthinking

I talk to a woman friend daily.  She frequently declares that people do not have to figure her out and she does not have to figure other people out during the course of our conversations.

Hearing this repeated phrase has proven to be a subtle programming..with the right timing..the preliminary layer of absorption is reducing my overthinking..a BIG development!

Joy Slick

I powered a man to rise to the occasion. In the midst of  his joy slick, he asked what I desired..

A turkey bacon,low fat cheese on a whole wheat English muffin breakfast sandwich from Starbucks

To Many Gifts

A man asked me out for an Italian meal.  When I followed up, he announced that he did not care either way.

I have to many gifts to spend time with a person that does not care if he in is my company.

Swerving Dervish

A male co-worker's compliments of my appearance would drift into our nearly daily conversations.
Being weak, I briefed the development to a friend.  My initial report quickly swepted me into a swerving  dervish of dialogue coaching sessions..at one point, she offered to texted me lines to weave into my interactions with the man of the hour..

Fearing fear would stop me from a potentially life changing experience..I charged ahead.. only to discover that liking me was not even in the back of his mind..

Sitting in the quiet..with the coaching sessions a memory..I wondered if I even liked him

Wild Trip?

While I was participating in a job interview, I was asked what my wildest trip was..he described camping in the Grand Tetons..

I don't know..a lesbian bar in Boston

Package Deal

A smoothie of a gent confirmed the prettiness of my lips.  I chatted up the social development
with a guy in my social circle.

Verbally wondering why the smoothie wouldn't make it a package deal and include my outstanding
eyes.

His social commentary was, "Guys  just are  not that deep"

Bombing?

I can be conflicted about asking  people to be in the audience when I perform comedy. Fearing a bad performance..resulting in feeling really BAD that people took the time to see me ... Then a friend
pointed out..it is not all about the laughter it is also about the fact that you get up on stage and TRY!


Life is about perspective

"Begging for Attention"

A good friend gave me an eye-opener today.  She asserted that  contacting people that
do not recognize me is "begging for attention"..

A new way to consider a behavior may be a new opportunity for change..

Half-deaf

A friend has proven to be a dream of a traveling companion. I was anxious that my sleep pattern would keep her awake. 

Then I realized she was half deaf, my friend may not have heard a peep..