Two in One

My pattern has always been that whenever I struck upon an awareness ... I would report it ... It confirmed the break- through's existence ... Even if it required a phone tree to do it ..,

Then I had a different form of break-though.... Not reporting an insight does not negate it's power

Dis-Engaged

I know a woman that spits out falsehoods in a rabid manner.....I would sputter to my mother's friend....does she not have the intelligence God gave her?....or is it more a matter of insulting mine...

The woman framed it in words that I could understand....the woman's mouth is dis-engaged from her brain

Addicted to Hope

I have relatives that I continue to pursue a relationship with....my pursuance frequently garners

disappointing results.

I have become addicted to hope when associating with certain people ....with family in particular

a hope that we will, all, come together and they will be comfortable in their own skin

Performer

I perform at comedic open mics.   While I am not a driven performer, I continue to do it.

Whenever I do it, I feel like my life was a wee bit less wasted because I stepped out of a comfort zone.

DEA Agent

A friend established that I had the goods for being a double DEA agent....
the drug of focus is meth ... The woman pointed out all I had to offer in this
arena ...

She said, almost with glee, you talk constantly ... You are up all night and
you certainly have meth teeth ...

( my teeth are jagged from grinding)

I maintain the position that if I did meth ... I would be thinner and my laundry
would have been done by now

Vigilant

A man asked me about a mutual acquaintance ... I was caught off guard by the question and sputtered
out an answer ...

I should have been more vigilant ... and suggested he contact the person

I blew it on that one

It Can Be Done

There are days when I feel like I will not emerge from the rejection of my own design....that there is a highway of  certain emotional deprivations outstretched in front of me....

I am in need of repair to create better routes and evolve my human scenery

It can be done

Deep Listening

I heard a good phrase today. The phrase is " deep listening"

Think of the nuggets that can be extracted when we do deeply listen and observe the important people

in our lives

One is Enough

A widow was describing her marriage to me,  " I could not have asked for more...he was extremely

thoughtful"

She concluded with the declaration that she would not want to marry again...one marriage is enough...

Siberian Coldness

I have an older relative that appears to be fading.   I feel a loyal connection to this relationship.  I visit him routinely .....

The group of people that surround him are unpleasant for unpleasant sake....upon entering the room, I feel a Siberian level coldness....a dismissiveness of my neutral coments

He has made his choice of company...making the choice knowing they hated me...

The question that bounces in my head....which is harder? dealing with hatred being directed at me? or

having potential regrets?

Of course, I am anticipating my reaction to his death instead of reacting naturally when it happens...

The Stallion at the Gate

I have been nagged by a nightly desire.   My desire is to be greeted by the Stallion upon my entry to my complex....walking back from the bus stop...I think it would be  comforting to be shown I am missed....the stallion coming in person to tell me in multiple detail how his life has not been the same
since my departure from it....

Then when I arrive and see he is not there....I am relieved

Nice Guy

A woman told me that women will not date a nice guy.   That is a depressing theory.  

Let's stop circulating depressing theories

"Lake"

A man and I were viewing a lake.  I asked if the "lake" was a reservoir...he responded,

"no, I think it is man made"

New Goal

A new goal could be not to look quizzically at the man complementing my looks...

The Wagging of Stallion's Tail

When the stallion and I broke up. I was at peace...relieved.....surprised at much I looked forward to returning to my routines...

Then it seemed to change as spontaneously as the wagging of a tail.   Moments started being spent

daydreaming about our periods of closeness....when he singled me out from a group to make sure

I was comfortable or happy....feeling unity in convos...making out at stoplights

When I drift off in this manner, I will hand pick a memory that was less nurturing and slap myself awake

Off to the Side

A woman entered my work space. She declared my facial expression as  sort of sad... . I took a call..

she stood quietly to the side until my call my completed, for an opportunity to gently touch base..


I was extremely touched

"Thank you for not Smoking"

I had a day that could be equal to an emotional obstacle course.  Cigarettes would be the subject of my reach....  at one point, I walked over to a public ashtray.... then I would divert my attention and reserve the practicing of the habit for the future...

The pattern continued until close to bedtime.    Maybe I will be able to quit smoking after all...

Have to be Experienced

My mother is dead.   This classification effects my reactions when I hear discussions between mothers and their daughters.

I will stop myself from blurting out, " if your mother wants to hang out with you,...go do it...if she needs help moving a heavy object ..go do it...if she wants help unloading the car for a donation drop.... go do it...

My best memories of my mother are unloading 100 books, into a collection receptacle, from her car...

observing and laughing on her couch or clearing out her storage area because the items would trigger

memories and words....

I keep my mouth shut because this may be something to have to be experienced not told

Stallion

I held on to  a man longer then it was wise.    He, the stallion, celebrated what my family rejected....it was an exquisite intoxication ....I was accepted in a way that I did not believe was possible...


Just as he was profoundly different, he was also profoundly similar.   I had to move on because he

began communicating like the people that raised me..... reason to flee

Moment Changing

When I have moments when I am fearful that I won't change

I must observe what I like about myself 

Proposition

A woman texted, me, a desire to have more hanky panky from her mate... I texted back,
ask him... She did and they did

Do not be afraid to ask for things in all areas

Which?

A woman described her relationship as more moments of conflict then peace ..,

I asked her, which do ( you) consider worse? Being alone or enduring strife?

Happy Hour

I interact with a woman routinely. She refers to attending happy hours with friends... She invites
random people into the mix... I used to feel hurt by the exclusion ...

Then I reminded myself that I hate happy hours

Reachable

A daughter was expressing her thoughts about her
parents...

Daughter: They are always suggesting changes..  They are concerned about
my future... They do not treat my brother that way ...

I suggest that they may feel the daughter is more reachable .... A different
expectation level is being felt

Afternoon Delight

A woman, frequently, complains about having to ask her boyfriend for sexual happenings...  The last time I saw her, she reported getting a text from, the boyfriend, inviting afternoon delight.


She evaluated it as controlling

Could of, Would of

Reporting to my mother's friend, I could have left "HIM" about fourteen times ...you know, if I could have left "HIM" ..I would have...

Sadly, I needed the brick wall...

Split Apart

I was conflicted about a pair of pants...felt a lack of peace while donning them yet could not force myself to deposit them in the dumpster...

When concluding my shift, the pants split apart...they cracked along my crack...if you will

the universe decided for me...

Missing

I feel a sense of sadness...as if I am missing a person I have not yet met..

Feather Dusting

A woman relayed a story of  a male friend having sex with his maid.  I thought of feather dusting in a whole new way...

Protective Theory

I ended the "summer romance" and watched him walk away.  While watching his strides ...I told myself our paths will cross again...

Perhaps a self protective theory for my engagement until the fresh skin grows over the abrasion

Cake Walk

I believed that facing the fear of stand up comedy made a lot of what life had to
offer seem like a cake walk .... Now I wonder if it was witnessing disease swallow up the KEY relatives in my life

Package

I have felt more interest in the apartment...packed fridge and freezer and his cable package  then the man.... oh we can forget about the comfy couch...

A sign that I am thinking more about his cable package then his actual package makes think that I would rather date his pad then him..

Dirty Harry

Saturday night brought a blind date.  While moving towards making a seafood dinner a reality...the

escort announced that he had to make a stop...minutes after arriving at the back of a club... emerging from his car seat ...

He performed a two step motion.  The dude grunted, "I am going in" Concluding his narrative by  place a gun in his pants...

The last time I saw a gun that size was in the hand of Clint Eastwood during a Dirty Harry flick