good deed

An acquaintance reminded me of a good deed I performed.. It was such a gift on a glum day..Hearing what was right about me was a grand way to end my evening

a gift we can all give each other.. reminding ourselves what we do right

2nd base

A male friend and I caught a flick.. well because it was at the museum.. I will refer to it as a film.. I briefly dozed off and awoke to find my companion caressing his clothed chest. The evening ended with the pact that his reaching 2nd base would remain between his shirt and his hand.

peanut butter cookie

pleading that a peanut butter cookie from subway was the only good thing about my day to a friend's voicemail. I was joking.. I said to myself hey wait? if that is true.. it is up to me
to change it.. a flip casual message lead me to wonder what can I do each day that will make my life better and have actual long term positive affects.

in a relationship

I engaged in a relationship that my relatives evaluated as false. I decided to only consider the evaluations of the people inside my relationship not the evaluations of people outside of it.

a gay focus group

A gay focus group is recruited and assembled prior to my blind dates. A most unsettling assignment was given to me.. to stop dressing like morticia by wearing brighter colors.. me? who buys black pants like it will give Anne Frank another day in the attic.

sarah's quote

Sarah,Duchess of York, wrote in her book,Finding Sarah, " befriend your gifts"

I always find it refreshing when people inform me of their strengths in a straight forward manner.

It is not conceit to be aware and present your gifts.

emotional lint vent

I have days where past regrets and future anxieties come together to create an emotional lint vent. Avoiding succumbing to the emotional pile-up, it is important to surround myself with gentle people and reinforce a healthy routine. Engaging in self sabotage
will prevent a quicker recovery and could be in a future emotional lint vent.

hesitate

I must learn to hesitate when people ask of me a firm yes. A variation of the acts of pausing and reflecting is to practice giving the response " I will let you know".

It will give me time to marinate and be able to give the correct answer.. then less disappointment be experienced externally and internally

subway jingle

Standing in the subway shop while listening to their jingle. "subway fills your heart while it fills your stomach" .. could that be a clogged artery... "subway sandwich fills
your soul" .. does that seem like a lot to ask of a sandwich? my soul? their tuna does emotionally satisfy me though

benefit of the doubt

Discovering an old emailed quote to a friend, "I am learning not to hate myself", startled me. The unvarnished signpost invited me to recognize my disposition to be quicker to give others the benefit of the doubt then myself. If I do not have respect for myself then who will.

positive route

A friend was teaching me how to better use my computer. She said when given a choice, take the positive route.. ie when I was attaching my resume.. the choice was open/cancel.. she said even when not ideal take the more the positive choice.. hey what good life advice

memoirs

I grabbed about ten memoirs in about ten minutes during a recent trip to the library.
While eating up each detail in each meal of a book, I thought how brave these authors are revealing their life lessons for all of us. Their bravery is educating us on how to come out of the dark and into the light by sharing how we are past-
in perfect.

Evaporated

Talking on the phone, catching myself being defensive about being defensive. I stopped myself mid-sentence by exclaiming, the magic word, evaporate, I immediately ceased the bad habit. Perhaps I have a solution to whenever I engage in harming habits .. I say evaporate and start a new

awesome

Using my net book at a gourmet market while listening to the cashiers talking among each other.. a cashier exclaimed that he was awesome and I chimed in,  that goes without saying.
He said I know, I am always telling people that my awesomeness goes without saying.

self-absorbed

Most days I feel that I am swimming in the deep end of a pool of self absorption. The problem is I can not be sure because I tend not listen to people unless they are talking about me.

resolve

I found this bit of self discovery startling.. Let me explain

I have learned that when I reduce my intake of sugar and alcohol, I find it easier to reduce
my participation in certain friendships.. this maybe common sense to you.. I had to learn this for myself

One relationship in particular.. I was always pulled to contact him.. I would tell myself
a text here, a call there will not hurt.. well it does hurt when it is one-sided and expressions of respect and appreciation are dwindling to almost non-existent.

I thought I would be even more needy because I did not have a drink or a rice krispie treat
to comfort me. it turns out the opposite is true.. perhaps less self weakening of defenses
is the reason

emotional destination

A friend was complaining about a mutual friend.. saying he was not working towards his goals.. We all have desired emotional destinations.. a healthy love relationship, less
dependent on chemicals, running a marathon.. we may not all know the route and that may delay our life travel to the proper bridge to a place of worthiness.

Our emotional map is within us.. a feeling of confidence to be ready to use our maps
may need to grow within us before we can take that first step to the right bridge.

self exposure

People in clubs talk about why they perform.. as in what is about our personalities that expose ourselves to public disapproval .. I perform stand-up and write a blog..and depending on who I talk to.. talk about everything all the time .. I find life so hard.. I had a thought that maybe my different forms of expression is similar to showing your math homework to your parents to check for errors. maybe a reader or a a listener will catch something to ease the difficulties of my life.

Thank you

Dear Readers:

I want to thank you for reading my blog. Having readers from all over the globe humbles and honours me. Whenever or however my postings provide a new perspective, enable you to learn from my mistakes or generally improve your disposition.. that would result in a healing feeling.

I would love to hear from you and any suggestions of posting subjects.

rebecca shea

daily forgiveness

I struggle almost daily to forgive myself for past mistakes. I will be going about my day
and a memory of a committed horror will be triggered. I shudder and tell myself I am not the
same person that made a particular mistake or misused an opportunity and to not let my present be defined by my poor past behavior.

I worry, that during my present, I am not using the best parts of myself because I am distracted by my past behavior.

emotional work

A friend's quote, "we are all working on something (about ourselves)",informed my whole emotional being. I need to reflect on that quote more often to be gentle and accepting of people's behavior.

My judgement is in the form of questioning.. why are they like that? who's says things like that? what am I doing to advance her/his mood?

The universal answer could be that they are human and they could be working through a particular emotional assignment.

nice

A friend asked me how I can be nice to people who are not nice to me.

This question has been a source of mind marination. Isn't the question to black and white? I choose to believe friendships are about patterns and if a negative pattern persists during the confines of a friendship then it may force a re-negotiation of the social contract.

I would not want be defined by individual comments and feel it is only fair to focus on my friend's motives then their negative verbal messages on a their bad days.

Pause,Reflect,Act

weird

This is weird:

I left a message on a friend's voicemail. I had a particular thought and was confident I had expressed my thought clearly in my message. When she asked me about my message, I was confident I was on safe ground, that she misheard, misremembered, mis-something

Well, She played the message back for me and I was stunned. a line in my message was the opposite to what I wanted to convey on the voicemail.

I am dyslexic and it comes out loud and clear when I use a pen and paper. Proofreading is a must.. I once finished a note to an ill friend, "thinking about me", instead of, "thinking about you"

Do I have verbal dyslexia.. what else have I said that did not display my true feelings?