leading actor

Life is more like a movie then we realize, are you the lead in your own life? Being more of a writer of my dialogue and a director of behavior that will put me in scenes of my life dream has put me
closer to stepping into starring position.

Days are sprinkled with opportunities to bring us on point for
for our dreams, perhaps the journey will lead to a bigger dream then
planned.

death

Death can be one of the best things for our image. The minute my mother died, all negative milestones were erased from memory and an only positive emotional timeline remains in my heart and head.Exercising the golden rule, upon my death, I would like my negative behavior to be pruned from my image.

life tool

Asking myself if what I desire is a need or a want has been a most effective life
tool. The question has weeded out spending, poor food selection and certain people.

I am floored to report the positive results of this self-question because I use to find instant gratification to slow and was confident that a premature ejaculator would be my perfect lover.

What simple questions have been effective for you?

sexual encounter

The sexual encounter became touch and go when a fluffer had to be recruited.I concluded the evening glowing because while he was pleasuring me, the placement
of my extra set of apartment keys came to me.

wrong words

The nucleus of my mortification fertilized by my failure on stage
was that I was not using my intended routines. crude words would splat on the room's atmosphere like a fly on a windshield. Crude
was a direct contradiction to my desired image of being clever and witty.

Clever,smart segments were born from my brain and then I do not know why.. perhaps because of nervousness.. forceful wording would
replace my planned subtle words.

I was scared. the more time I spent on stage, nervousness is supposed to lessen. I was afraid I would not be able to fail on my own terms because the words being carried by the mic did not truly represent me. To add to the horror, I am embarrassed that certain
friends viewed it and that they will not see my improved version.
Well I guess that is the way the cookie crumbles, hopefully they will return to be in the audience.

cockiness

standing in a dark corner,rehearsing my lines while flirting with the possibility of a laughter graveyard looming in my future. A girl sprung from the darkness to inform me that she was also performing and that I did not need to rehearse my lines. She bombed and I did not. Laughter can be elusive and I do not want my poor performances to be a reason for humiliation. Poor performances are watering my blossoming attitude of gratitude for the approving audiences and I do not want to ever take the approval of an audience for granted.

coin purse

The weight of my coin purse stuns me, the heaviness creeps up on me. feeling as though only my debit card emerges from my wallet is at the root of my befuddlement.

the right girl

Laying in bed on Valentine's day night, the insight, "it did not did come from the right girl", hit me like a brick. Sending cards and packages to my male friends may not wash away their sadness because it is not coming from the right girl and the right girl is in the eye of beholder. Me not being the right girl does not lessen my perfection, do not get me started on how I exhibit my perfection, baby!

The insight left me feeling lighter and looser. I love nailing it with a selection that hits the spot that I can uniquely reach yet it not coming from the right girl only awards me with honorable mention and that has given me permission to stop befriending the UPS
man.
Hey male friends- if I am wrong, start showing more appreciation for your female friends, you never know when the cards and gifts will stop.

Starbuck's Music

Bobbing my skull accompanied by my fingers dancing on my keyboard to Starbucks soundtrack paints me with such joy. A rare Starbucks musical void devoured my concentration and sort of freaked me out and my writing came to a blunt stop.

Responding to a beloved's suggestion of the reinforcement of marketing's programming, " maybe, or I could just like the music"

gas rainbow

Coming a live in a dive after a series of catatonic performances gave me the eternal beauty of a gasoline rainbow. Generating word pictures that invoke laughter has created the best moments of my life.

Label me fascinated by the varied demographic that high fived me after my performance. A black dude took my hand, the feeling of being swallowed up by the large warmth of his hand will not flee my memory anytime soon.

high/low

I posses a high level of neediness, yet luckily my standards for
combating the neediness are low. Seeing the word approval on the
debit card monitor renders a sweet smile because it may be the only
message of approval I get that day. So soak it up! Baby!

Completing a blog entry without misspelled words, makes my spirit
float like a large birthday balloon on a neon ribbon.

I am so lucky that my quarry of neediness can be filled with pebbles and not boulders.

black-outs

I treat each stand-up performance like a 4Th grade book report, I always want to feel prepared and rehearsed. Well it would not help
me, because my delivery looked and sounded morphine laced. Chunks
would be left out of my introductory stories and only my punchline would be submitted. It was a grim let-down, like ordering won ton soup and it arriving table side sans won tons.

Explaining my struggling spirit to a woman friend, she said "Oh, I thought I was blacking out because I was so afraid for you". Cat
scan averted.

my pink hat

I stared into the mirror, struggling to find the missing piece to my
facial puzzle and the answer was my pink Lauren hat. The hat is a daily accessory and a panic quickly set in at the possible absence of it. Rushing back to my seat, I realized the hat has become my security blanket. A birthday gift that keeps on giving.

spare tire

I am rattled. My houmer has given me the security of a spare tire
for a driver on a long country drive. I was always able to make
people laugh and it gave me the proper confidence to enter most social situations. Carol Burnett may have said they forget I am ugly when they laugh and I completely get that. The term "making
them laugh" indicates control. Watching someone laugh over words
that were born of my brain can be a tremendous high.

A friend, this weekend, informed me I was not funny and it left a mark. The experience has taught me to not take "the givens" for granted.

lost in translation

I want to know why my words do not represent my thoughts and how
to fix it. It happened twice today. The semi-truck carrying my thoughts from brain to mouth went off track and a completely different cargo was delivered to my mouth. The incredibly frustrating part is that I am the driver and the answer must be on my emotional map. Taking emotional rest-stops to better plan routes of communication may assure arrival at a more secure emotional destination. we will see? where is an emotional rand-mcnally,
when you one?

emotional mansion

I live in an apartment that precious would turn down. My New York friends ask me if my complex is like "melrose place" or "Beverly Hills 90210", my come back is that it is more like Beverly Hills
902oh no!

My hovel will never be featured in Esprit Decor. The feature for
me is that it is one of the few places where I will not be the recipient of yelling. No walking on egg shells, no being told I am
uguly and no being told I will not succeed, sounds like a mansion
to me.

memory fragments

The moment I step off stage, my memory becomes as vacant as a parcel of unused farmland. Gratefulness washes over me. The lack of memory enables a fresh start with each handling of the mic. Certain words will pop into my head with the distance of time. Story lines begin to develop like film in solution, fuzzy and dull to sharper and embarrassing. I begin to call audience members with words that
transmit into my cognitive being. My friends affirm my specific
word pictures. Grappling for my lighter, I plead "did anyone laugh"? the witness answers with " you got a chuckle" Geeze Louise!
why can't I go back to being grateful and vacant?

lighting in the bottle

Doing something, we have all done hundreds of times, going to the movies with a friend. Well, during this particular social ritual, my friend hated how I reacted to his story which resulted in dueling silences.

I do not know why, the indoctrination of marlo thomas's recording "Free to be You and Me" or fearing a buttery chemical
explosion, I turned to him and said "I accept you". He responded
with a biting "lucky me". The shock of the response sprung tears from my eyes.

Surrounded by rows of cinema seats, words sprung from my mouth just as the tears sprung from my eyes. "True acceptance is like lightning in a bottle, it is not a casual thing". He patted my arm and said "I know, and I accept you too". The theater lights darkened and flick's title displayed on the screen. He whispered in my ear "how long does this acceptance thing last? because I have a
6am work-out".

charming

I greeted the open mic MC in the lobby, after my performance, with " Was it a disaster"? He turned to me and said " your charm
saved it". Did he just say I was charming? Gee Whiz!

bounderies

I informed my friend that I was reassigning my concentration from his project to my project and he accepted my declaration. So boundaries start with a statement? huh? Boundaries become simpler to maintain when you surround yourself with people that respect your words. A discovery that was life changing! (for me)

arbitrary

Being told I was beautiful and ugly at the same party perfectly taught me how arbitrary words can be. Words are frequently more
about the speaker then the listener.

The experience refined my focus on the words of my inner voice because the less arbitrary my inner-words become, the more the outer-words will become white noise.