Blocking Emotional Numbers

I was feeling fearful and empty.   My state of mind nearly weakened my self control.

For a few moments, I thought my only diversion was to text a couple of choice males..,,

Assessing that I would become emptier after contacting them blocked their emotional number on me

Lost and Found

I have left my home with the  specific purpose of being "Found"..,  
being found by the one person that will pull together, all, my life's loose ends...

 I longer have this goal, when I go out, because I no longer feel lost

In seven Minutes

My turning around in the soup isle, at " my market", put me face to face with a well- groomed
customer.., perfect shade of lipstick., commanding eye-wear.., naturally coiffed hair

I exclaimed: "your make-up is skillfully applied"
Her: "Oh, this took 7 minutes"

How can we , all, improve our lives seven minutes a day.

Calling a cheerleading friend.... Throwing  one thing away..,, reading a few pages in newly started book

"I am Fifty"

A woman informed me that while she views me as a kind, comforting person ..., when she ( first) met me, she thought I said outrageous things...

This is a woman that asked me if I was still getting my period, the previous day

Perhaps I should start coloring my hair

Band-Aid Love

In the past, I would always respond to an ex-boy friend's calls.   I did not want to  release our bond or eliminate the sexual option from my back burner...

Then I had a moment of clarity...,    When I continue to open the door for an
ex-lover ... I am continuing to shut the door on a long term ( over all) satisfying
 relationship

Uncompromised

A woman and I were taking a class together..., we had only exchanged pleasantries until one
day when we sat together...

Woman: u do not have kids..

Me: how would u know that?

Woman: because your whole being feels uncompromised

Scampering Off

I find , with certain people, that once I am done  purging details of my most recent dramatic development....

and they start to talk about themselves ..,, I can not even fake interest ... and scamper off the phone

as quickly as I can 

Treasured

A woman and I discuss her "romantic" relationship.... She tells stories that...if true..,seem capable of 

crushing the human spirit...

The hearing of stories has proven to be an unintentional motivator to work towards relationships of a highest level 

People  that treasure me 

Stalling

This must have happened to u..,?!  A person making small talk ( with you) while you are in a public
bathroom stall... It usually starts near the sink... After entering the bathroom.., then I become horrified when the words do not magically stop when we grasp for the stall door...

I can not stall any later... I must start telling these party poopers  that I can not be a party to their flush of words

Nevering

I am guilty of nevering myself ....  "I will never move from Phoenix"

"I will never find a stable job that embodies my talents"..,, "I may never be a person that gets up, in time, to apply make up and blow out my hair prior to work"  "I may never stop craving Chinese food"

"I may never write a book"

It is an uneducated form of self communication ..  The more I define myself by "nevers" then the less
I will do

Trying new things creates opportunities for less "nevering"

Still Explaining

Years ago, I had sex with a male friend.,,

I am, still, explaining ( to him) that I am not gay

Cheap Wine

A man and I were hosting a dinner party... Most of the prep work was completed...

Me: shouldn't we open the wine ... To let it breathe...

Man: not with cheap wine

Textual relationship

I have a textual "relationship" with a father.... At the end  of hours of texting... He would sign off by
keying " Good Night, dear"

It always made me feel warm and safe... I figured it was further evidence of neediness...then it hit me

My father would come into room during ,most of my youth, with those duplicate words

John Denver

I engaged in a work excerise ....

Male Worker: I am always glad to be available to help members of my team..,

Me: You are like a John Denver song ..,

Male Worker: U know I am 20... So I will not have heard of the same people U have


There was one thing that tied our two generations together... Listening
to Queen's  "The Champions" prior to sports games

Vacancy of Malice

I had dinner with a man and a woman... The woman has less marbles then most of us ... Her life is one long unfortunate senior moment.... I was stacking nervously chattered word upon word...

The man scolded, "you are talking to fast... You are fustrating her"

In that moment, I decided I will not continue to feel
bad for behavior that will not remembered by the recipient and has
a vacancy of malice

Signal

A signal for change could be my switching my hostess treat selection because I did not
want to bend lower for my more desired choice..,

Becoming Clean

It clicked... Jekyll and Hyde has been the story of the men of both my family life and social life...

Their loving Jekyll side would fertilize my amnesia for their hostile 

Hyde side and plant my feet wherever their feet were... 

Stamina has washed over me.., becoming clean in the knowledge I can wait for a good person 

that will be consistent

Anymore

A classmate publicly attacked my looks ... My usual tears did not come

Maybe I am not that effected girl any more

Ripped Awning

I have listened to a lot of boring people in the name of male  approval...

This annoying need hung over me like a ripped awning flapping in the wind

Starting to release my remaining human shreds of male approval has made me
sort of excited

Man in the Mirror

Every morning, my manager plays "Man in the Mirror" sung by Michael Jackson..,
I use it as an opportunity to reflect on my goals.. Asking myself in what ways
I want to be better .., do better ..,

Every Color

I am outgrowing a man..... Phasing out daily communication.., I decided not to engage

in certain habits of escape .... I want to be alert for every color of my grief

Pieces of Art

A woman was describing her work-outs.... Looking at her friend, she proclaimed:

"Bodies are pieces of art"