Distraction represents, to me, a layer cake of fear. Resulting in endeavors to limit exposure to certain behaviors or information. Thoughts against me impedes my progress and I can not afford to have my behavior blocked. Can you?
Self-focus may appear to be selfish. Selfishness is not only not
a bad behavior it is required to both chart and navigate your life's
course. We must put ourselves first because we are the one constant
in our lives. I hate to say it, friends and family are variables because their placement in our lives is not guaranteed.
The mantra,the future is now, is directing my life and propelling me to do daily activities with an eye to the future. Deciding the type of the future you desire can start with a list.
What is on your list? I would not only find it fascinating, it will probably give me a few ideas for charting my future. I wish you love and success with your list.
Monday, January 31, 2011
religion
I have a blind-date with a Muslim. I am having a burka bedazzled
as I write this, keep your fingers crossed. Religion was a hot topic during my mother's final days on earth.
Nurses would say good-bye to my mum, with each greeting, I received a religious education. A particular conversation left an
indelible mark. She informed me that if my mother accepts Jesus
Christ as her lord and savior, my mum was in a coma, my mother would
go straight to heaven. There is nothing like a direct flight, I did
not realize Jesus was a travel agent.
I envy the refuge of an unwavering belief system. Theories guide
my behavior. Ultimately I am just not sure, my overriding thought is that my inconsistent emotional investment might be what is keeping me from the peace of the refuge.
as I write this, keep your fingers crossed. Religion was a hot topic during my mother's final days on earth.
Nurses would say good-bye to my mum, with each greeting, I received a religious education. A particular conversation left an
indelible mark. She informed me that if my mother accepts Jesus
Christ as her lord and savior, my mum was in a coma, my mother would
go straight to heaven. There is nothing like a direct flight, I did
not realize Jesus was a travel agent.
I envy the refuge of an unwavering belief system. Theories guide
my behavior. Ultimately I am just not sure, my overriding thought is that my inconsistent emotional investment might be what is keeping me from the peace of the refuge.
embarrassing
But I love him is a frequently uttered defense of a specific relationship in my life. Having a self-defining relationship is horrible, crazy and embarrassing. A perpetual teeter-totter between
my intellect and emotions shape my time. I know, ridiculous right?
The worst parts are the more I talk to him the more I want to talk to him and during quiet periods, I want confirmation that his approval of me is in tact. Feeling that I am okay because my interaction with him went okay is not a route to true self worth.
Participating in such a relationship renders a kaleidoscope of emotions. I feel sad for myself because the focus on him is taking
focus away from myself and really who is the more important person in this equation, me right? or if you have such a relationship in your life, you right? Concern is a color in my viewfinder of life
because I feel I am performing a disservice to my other friends by
singling out a particular friend, however subliminal. You know what this is about right? the less secure relationship dominates in the social circle, mine anyway. It really is crazy and I have to change it.. I wonder if he will call me tonight.
my intellect and emotions shape my time. I know, ridiculous right?
The worst parts are the more I talk to him the more I want to talk to him and during quiet periods, I want confirmation that his approval of me is in tact. Feeling that I am okay because my interaction with him went okay is not a route to true self worth.
Participating in such a relationship renders a kaleidoscope of emotions. I feel sad for myself because the focus on him is taking
focus away from myself and really who is the more important person in this equation, me right? or if you have such a relationship in your life, you right? Concern is a color in my viewfinder of life
because I feel I am performing a disservice to my other friends by
singling out a particular friend, however subliminal. You know what this is about right? the less secure relationship dominates in the social circle, mine anyway. It really is crazy and I have to change it.. I wonder if he will call me tonight.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
advice
My stand-up comedy is in the gestation period and my friends are expressing their
belief in me by lathering me with advice.Mind you these are people who have never been on stage and are afraid to enter a party a lone.
The advice range from the physical to the verbal. Physical directions: move your arms, stand completely still, do not touch the mic, roll your eyes, loosen up, limit your facial expressions, would eject from my comedy guides like tennis balls from a ball machine. Verbal directions are: blurt out curse words, do not curse,just talk
unrehearsed, compare vegans and meat-eaters in a bit, would leave me a little tongue-
tied.
Invariably, my friends complete each strategy session advising me to be myself.
belief in me by lathering me with advice.Mind you these are people who have never been on stage and are afraid to enter a party a lone.
The advice range from the physical to the verbal. Physical directions: move your arms, stand completely still, do not touch the mic, roll your eyes, loosen up, limit your facial expressions, would eject from my comedy guides like tennis balls from a ball machine. Verbal directions are: blurt out curse words, do not curse,just talk
unrehearsed, compare vegans and meat-eaters in a bit, would leave me a little tongue-
tied.
Invariably, my friends complete each strategy session advising me to be myself.
my evening with alan arkin
A nearly chance encounter with an Oscar winner proved to be a substantial brick in a walkway to a better life. Word came over the computer monitor that Alan Arkin was participating in a talk at the phoenix art museum. I flew on wings of desire and hands empty of a ticket,the marriage of confidence and motivation planted my feet securely in line for the museum's "will call". Feeling like a young sprite among the
older museum members, I emerged victorious with a singular ticket in my digits. Sitting in a sea of bespectacled Jews, I decided to ask the underrated actor a question. The Jews are my chosen people and quiet Jews leave me limp with absorption.
Shortly after stabbing the air with my arm, the host selected me and I informed
Alan Arkin that I am enraptured by his use of silence in films. The question began
a sweet dialogue, he said it was the nicest compliment he had ever received and I responded that I was glad I said it. (then) The auditorium erupted in laughter, not clear why .. but I digress
Do not ever believe that your words do not have power. Preventing your true expression is preventing the cultivation of your true self. Think about it!?
older museum members, I emerged victorious with a singular ticket in my digits. Sitting in a sea of bespectacled Jews, I decided to ask the underrated actor a question. The Jews are my chosen people and quiet Jews leave me limp with absorption.
Shortly after stabbing the air with my arm, the host selected me and I informed
Alan Arkin that I am enraptured by his use of silence in films. The question began
a sweet dialogue, he said it was the nicest compliment he had ever received and I responded that I was glad I said it. (then) The auditorium erupted in laughter, not clear why .. but I digress
Do not ever believe that your words do not have power. Preventing your true expression is preventing the cultivation of your true self. Think about it!?
Friday, January 28, 2011
starbucks
I am sitting in a Starbucks and grooving to their selected soundtrack. I am a Johnny come lately to experiencing the benefits
of the corporate kaffeeklatch. Wanting a refuge, I was eager to learn the protocol. Questions percolated as quickly as a "viva brew", is a subway-chain cup contraband? is talking on a mobile phone above a certain level blatantly disrespecting my fellow members of the Starbucks community.
Participating in the community recharges my creative spirit and my sense of optimism about our larger community. I feel completely at peace leaving my work product to engage in outdoor conversations and I marvel when observing conversations as diverse as the coffee selections. The respectful communication among the employees and the respect of individual spaces among shared space is completely refreshing in today's society. A dear friend teases me that a Starbucks Carroll is my new office, an office space that contains a twin atmosphere of acceptance? How do I get so lucky?
of the corporate kaffeeklatch. Wanting a refuge, I was eager to learn the protocol. Questions percolated as quickly as a "viva brew", is a subway-chain cup contraband? is talking on a mobile phone above a certain level blatantly disrespecting my fellow members of the Starbucks community.
Participating in the community recharges my creative spirit and my sense of optimism about our larger community. I feel completely at peace leaving my work product to engage in outdoor conversations and I marvel when observing conversations as diverse as the coffee selections. The respectful communication among the employees and the respect of individual spaces among shared space is completely refreshing in today's society. A dear friend teases me that a Starbucks Carroll is my new office, an office space that contains a twin atmosphere of acceptance? How do I get so lucky?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
My immediate thought when receiving a birth announcement was that it could be an affirmation of being confirmed as her connection on linked in. I alternate my obsessions between facebook and linkedin.
A baby obsession came fast and furious out the birth canal of face book when a grade school friend treated my face book friend request with a deaf keyboard. I kept telling myself to not jump to conclusions and perhaps he was to busy to be on face book, then I would see our mutual friend list grow and I believe with almost certainty that the members of the shared list did not play with him on the monkey bars or ride the merry go round together. Conversely
I spent Friday nights, at his parents house, listening to Stevie nicks and discussing how I wanted to raise our kids Jewish.
Left with no choice, I was driven to call one of his best friends. Questioning the friend " why is Theo treating me like Eva Braun"? his response was that I should let it go.
MMMM! Just what should I be letting go? What more is he not telling me?
A baby obsession came fast and furious out the birth canal of face book when a grade school friend treated my face book friend request with a deaf keyboard. I kept telling myself to not jump to conclusions and perhaps he was to busy to be on face book, then I would see our mutual friend list grow and I believe with almost certainty that the members of the shared list did not play with him on the monkey bars or ride the merry go round together. Conversely
I spent Friday nights, at his parents house, listening to Stevie nicks and discussing how I wanted to raise our kids Jewish.
Left with no choice, I was driven to call one of his best friends. Questioning the friend " why is Theo treating me like Eva Braun"? his response was that I should let it go.
MMMM! Just what should I be letting go? What more is he not telling me?
idea vs reality
A friend expressed sadness over a break-up with a partner and when I asked what he was missing, potential was the key word that popped out of the mouth. Blindates often invoke anticipation for a relationship not a meal. Anticipation robs us of being in the moment while setting us up for disappointment. Taking in the moment and seeing your companion (dinner or life companion) for who he is, is a true fresh start. Concepts are not better or worse then reality, they are different. How do we know that life does not have a better plan then we do for ourselves?
opinion polling
Howdy gentle readers:
I want your opinion! Would you please write me and tell me what ending to my story is funnier
Please put either Anne frank or death row in the comment line or in the subject heading in an e-mail to me @ rebecca.shea@yahoo.com.. okay here goes
When I buy clothes, I run into Macy's and make a beeline for the racks of black pants
with an unwavering focus AS if each pair of black pants would give Anne frank another day in the attic OR AS if each pair of black pants would free an Innocent man from death row
I want to know what you think! enlighten me! please
I want your opinion! Would you please write me and tell me what ending to my story is funnier
Please put either Anne frank or death row in the comment line or in the subject heading in an e-mail to me @ rebecca.shea@yahoo.com.. okay here goes
When I buy clothes, I run into Macy's and make a beeline for the racks of black pants
with an unwavering focus AS if each pair of black pants would give Anne frank another day in the attic OR AS if each pair of black pants would free an Innocent man from death row
I want to know what you think! enlighten me! please
arrogance
I sent a flirty text to a guy with the ambition of boasting his confidence. what left my phone as a light source of fun morphed into a heavy source of anxiety
on his phone. Who was I to know what another person needed or wanted, I exhibited arrogance. The nucleus of my thoughts were focused on the becoming instead of his being and that is contrary to the ideal accepting relationship. I sincerely hope this feeling stays fresh and it will prompt me to be in quiet and ask what the speaker wants.
on his phone. Who was I to know what another person needed or wanted, I exhibited arrogance. The nucleus of my thoughts were focused on the becoming instead of his being and that is contrary to the ideal accepting relationship. I sincerely hope this feeling stays fresh and it will prompt me to be in quiet and ask what the speaker wants.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
signs from heaven
A pebble in my shoe affected my emotional standing after my mother's death. I did
not hug my mother during the final days of her life because her skin lacked moisture and I was afraid to hurt her. Our hands and spirits connected, not shoulder
to shoulder. My grief was laced with an envy for my sister, she would enter our
mum's room and scoop my mom up in her arms. The brown eyes of my mother perfectly
reflected the joy in being embraced by both my sister's verbal and physical love.
The night of my first open mic night, my mother returned to my life. The evening started with finding a ring that she had given me and I feared lost. The evening
ended with a girl emerging from the audience to hug me in the exact way my mum
would hug me. This random act of kindness removed my pebble and restored my emotional posture.
not hug my mother during the final days of her life because her skin lacked moisture and I was afraid to hurt her. Our hands and spirits connected, not shoulder
to shoulder. My grief was laced with an envy for my sister, she would enter our
mum's room and scoop my mom up in her arms. The brown eyes of my mother perfectly
reflected the joy in being embraced by both my sister's verbal and physical love.
The night of my first open mic night, my mother returned to my life. The evening started with finding a ring that she had given me and I feared lost. The evening
ended with a girl emerging from the audience to hug me in the exact way my mum
would hug me. This random act of kindness removed my pebble and restored my emotional posture.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
emotional double agent
How do you talk to yourself? I find myself verbalizing negative self evaluations
that are a completely unrealistic self portrait, the sad frustration is how automatic the words eject from my mouth and define the perfect illustration of
a reflex. The split second the words arrive in the listener's ear, my inner voice
immediately contradicts my outer voice splashed in the colors of curiosity and a desired prevention of all future sabotage from my emotional double agent. Negative
self talk can weigh me down like soaked tennis shoes emerging from a river, each coment adds a layer of water and limits social mobility.
The key to drying out the shoes is an oldie but a goodie, thinking before I talk
and surrounding myself with people that do not elicit nervous behavior. The people
that believe in me catch me when I start to not present a true image of myself and I
am grateful for their self-briefings
that are a completely unrealistic self portrait, the sad frustration is how automatic the words eject from my mouth and define the perfect illustration of
a reflex. The split second the words arrive in the listener's ear, my inner voice
immediately contradicts my outer voice splashed in the colors of curiosity and a desired prevention of all future sabotage from my emotional double agent. Negative
self talk can weigh me down like soaked tennis shoes emerging from a river, each coment adds a layer of water and limits social mobility.
The key to drying out the shoes is an oldie but a goodie, thinking before I talk
and surrounding myself with people that do not elicit nervous behavior. The people
that believe in me catch me when I start to not present a true image of myself and I
am grateful for their self-briefings
Thursday, January 13, 2011
wake-up to joy
A smile across a crowded lunch table awakened my inner-joy. I looked up from
my tangle of lettuce leaves,chicken and croutons to see a smile, the purposeful and
suddle act created a foundation of joy. My spirit was as barren of joy as a tree in winter. Branches put trees in a position to be open to receiving joy. My spirit was in winter and any evidence of the joy of spring had ceased to exist. The emotional
erosion was not apparent to me until that watermark lunch, I had to be shown what
was absent from my life and posses an ability to receive it. My day's vision has evolved from black and white to color. The rebirth has come in the form of planting
bulbs for a garden of life and I can not wait to see how they will bloom.
my tangle of lettuce leaves,chicken and croutons to see a smile, the purposeful and
suddle act created a foundation of joy. My spirit was as barren of joy as a tree in winter. Branches put trees in a position to be open to receiving joy. My spirit was in winter and any evidence of the joy of spring had ceased to exist. The emotional
erosion was not apparent to me until that watermark lunch, I had to be shown what
was absent from my life and posses an ability to receive it. My day's vision has evolved from black and white to color. The rebirth has come in the form of planting
bulbs for a garden of life and I can not wait to see how they will bloom.
holiday intervention
Will a holiday intervention be absorbed in the new year? The behavior that needs
to be abolished is suggesting girlfriends for my straight male friends. My friends
tell me through their heads in their hands that I am "just giving them away". Well
I do not feel that I have the straight male friends to give away and if they were
interested in me, they know how to get in touch with me. A party guest that transformed a friendship into an enviable marriage lead me to the light in a dark carport one December night, she said not only do not force a relationship with your male friends,do not facilitate romantic relationships with other women. The explanation struck me with a clarity that I yearned for in high school math.
I marched out of the party armed with a fresh clarity and a new resolution for 2011.
While I will be happy for my male friend's relationships, I will not encourage them.
Not so fast, I have begun to slip back into contemplating certain women friends for my male friends with the possibly horrible attitude of "why not". My only promise is for today, I will not "give away any of my male friends" now tomorrow maybe another story.
to be abolished is suggesting girlfriends for my straight male friends. My friends
tell me through their heads in their hands that I am "just giving them away". Well
I do not feel that I have the straight male friends to give away and if they were
interested in me, they know how to get in touch with me. A party guest that transformed a friendship into an enviable marriage lead me to the light in a dark carport one December night, she said not only do not force a relationship with your male friends,do not facilitate romantic relationships with other women. The explanation struck me with a clarity that I yearned for in high school math.
I marched out of the party armed with a fresh clarity and a new resolution for 2011.
While I will be happy for my male friend's relationships, I will not encourage them.
Not so fast, I have begun to slip back into contemplating certain women friends for my male friends with the possibly horrible attitude of "why not". My only promise is for today, I will not "give away any of my male friends" now tomorrow maybe another story.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
fashion mission
Wanting to look less like life's before picture, I recruited one of my gay best friends for a fashion consultation. A gentle mission quickly transformed into
a fashion boot camp with the sales associates enlisted as privates. Clothes were
being draped over the fitting room door faster then hostess cupcakes on a conveyor
belt and when I emerged donning the selected garment, my friend's face was of a dentist that had misjudged the size of a cavity. Hope was not lost, the fashion veneer just had to be applied from a different angle. When I was not struck dumb for his passion for accessories, "you must elongate, Rebecca", I would ask "are you sure this does not make me look like Bea Arthur in maude"?. My beloved stylist would wave me away seeking confirmation of specific wardrobe basics. black bras,spanx and sunglasses
Even though we suffered for his art, my closet is a new home to some striking ensembles and elongate has been added to my vocabulary.
a fashion boot camp with the sales associates enlisted as privates. Clothes were
being draped over the fitting room door faster then hostess cupcakes on a conveyor
belt and when I emerged donning the selected garment, my friend's face was of a dentist that had misjudged the size of a cavity. Hope was not lost, the fashion veneer just had to be applied from a different angle. When I was not struck dumb for his passion for accessories, "you must elongate, Rebecca", I would ask "are you sure this does not make me look like Bea Arthur in maude"?. My beloved stylist would wave me away seeking confirmation of specific wardrobe basics. black bras,spanx and sunglasses
Even though we suffered for his art, my closet is a new home to some striking ensembles and elongate has been added to my vocabulary.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
books
A favorite condolence note regarding my mum's death was that she was in heaven with her nose in a book, my nose in a book is my idea of heaven. Books are my greatest companion, going to the library is like going to Disneyland. A stack of randomly selected books doubles as a literary slot machine when a sentence that perfectly articulates how I am feeling will emerge from the book's contents. Life lessons will spring from the pages of biographies reinforcing a navigation from auto-pilot to self propels ion in other parts of my non-reading life.
Books eradicate my loneliness, anxiety about the unknown and my craving for cheesecake. Reams of the written word was the focal point of my first blind date
and the cornerstone of most of my favorite memories.. I would explain, yet
I just bought a book that I am itching to start.
Books eradicate my loneliness, anxiety about the unknown and my craving for cheesecake. Reams of the written word was the focal point of my first blind date
and the cornerstone of most of my favorite memories.. I would explain, yet
I just bought a book that I am itching to start.
Monday, January 3, 2011
skin care
Resurrection of the relationship of one of my closest friends and of Christ from death occurred on the same day. Our last anniversary was spent with him in a hospital bed waiting for routine test results and me at his bedside. The sun's rays created a halo above his head and his face glistened with joy while viewing his Easter baskets. My friend took and cradled my hand and pulled me closer to him. I was basking with the expectation of his expression of what I had brought to his life
over the past year, he said I want to see you on a skin regimen. Acceptance may not be at the base of this particular relationship.
over the past year, he said I want to see you on a skin regimen. Acceptance may not be at the base of this particular relationship.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
eternal love
I honoured my mum by attending a service at her place of worship on her first birthday after her death. The focus of the service was meditation. We sat in a sea
of silence concentrating on how to better perfect our relationship with quiet. Periods of meditations were laced with talks on how to become more at peace with our inner being. As I sat with my eyes closed, hoping for the best, my whole body and soul was transported to a place in a forest, surrounded by mature redwoods in a white nightshirt and bare feet, I went to hug each tree and the bark pushed my body
away, stepping away with each tree's rejection, I looked down at my chest and saw
red valentines day shape heart beating through the white of my gown.Just maybe the trees represented the first people I turned to for the love that would create the path to self love the path needs to start with eternal love to be propelled to
the best routes to external love.
of silence concentrating on how to better perfect our relationship with quiet. Periods of meditations were laced with talks on how to become more at peace with our inner being. As I sat with my eyes closed, hoping for the best, my whole body and soul was transported to a place in a forest, surrounded by mature redwoods in a white nightshirt and bare feet, I went to hug each tree and the bark pushed my body
away, stepping away with each tree's rejection, I looked down at my chest and saw
red valentines day shape heart beating through the white of my gown.Just maybe the trees represented the first people I turned to for the love that would create the path to self love the path needs to start with eternal love to be propelled to
the best routes to external love.
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