Crying in the Shower

I have two men in my life that fall into a super crush category.  My behavior is raw and nervous around them . they view my behavior as a result of my bigger behaviors ..over thinking..committing extremely poor social choices..choices of people in particular

At the end of each phone conversation with each of the men..I want to break down and sob..
I tell my friends, " I just talked to Avie ..so now I am going to go cry in the shower"

Think Glenn Close in "The Big Chill"

My theory is that I go over each word that I said with the harshest of combs.. thinking I may never
talk to the person again..and I left such a bad impression..it happens everytime..

yet I can not walk away because what if the next time is the time I really nail it..and show my best self