one-liners.. your daily chuckle

The following comedic one-liners have either happened, I or a friend has said them
to me

Travel-
Getting security's double pat-down is the main reason I travel

Dreams-

To vacation at a hospice, where I can stay in bed and be praised for following a penlight with my eyes


Looks-

plastic surgery has been recommended to me over the phone ( She had not seen me)
I would be married if I would make a friend of mascara
leave my eye line until you get your eyebrows waxed ( a gay friend of course)

Helen Keller

Would a new floor plan be a life adventure for her?
I wonder if she has a high electric bill

Parents/Family
While my mum was on morphine, Flack's "killing me softly" played in background
While my father was in a coma, I greeted him by telling him not to get up.
My family gave me a Toyota for my birthday.. was told not to get brakes checked

Tired
I laid on the couch as if to be fitted for a coffin
The only way I could rise from bed was with a Crane

Gay Friends
My friend finds a speedo to be modest
My friend wore his thong for his DVM photo
I have yet to be forgiven for not being able to fold a napkin properly

Dating
When shown his penis, for the first time, I exclaimed "I accept you"