Redeeming Quality

A man, the Stallion, from my past has been contacting me ... His redeeming quality was that he gave
me the acceptance that I craved from my parents... It may no longer be enough...

Painted Shut

My apartment door sticks... It may have been painted shut  ... The pulling and feeling rattled adds minutes to my morning exit ... When reporting this disposition to a woman ...
She was struck horrified, what if there is a fire?, she asked ...

I have requested to be cremated .... Win Win

Hair

I work with a Moslem woman. She has been keeping her secure under wraps for months... Today, she
came into the office like a gust of wind ... She was all hair ... her hair was as thick and flowing as her
smile ... She said: she needed a time to be free and  not feel restricted by her  scarves...

"A Good Section"

I work Saturdays at a retail store. It gives me an opportunities to witness  classic scenes from my childhood and sitcoms ...,

This classic scene was a mother walking the corridor between the fiting rooms calling for
her daughter by announcing:

"Susan, the store has a good bra section"

Which are Worse?

Daily, I think of ways to reconnect with a man from my past.
I,remind myself, of the bad moments of being with him.... Then I teeter to the bad moments of being without him ...,

Which bad moments are worse ...

A Can of Soup

I spent Christmas evening purusing  the isles of Walgreens ... I decided to splurge with a can of soup. While it was displayed on the check out counter ... The moment of truth came ... My debit card was declined..., a woman in layered blue cotton bought it for me ... Because it was soup ... I felt particularly defensive ...

I pleaded: I am, really, quite fortunate ... I am not a good budgeter

Better You then Them

I use the remaining days of a year to reflect on my desired changes for the following year. I want 2015 to be the year of the dollar. To only buy what I really need ... The cause has been spearheaded with the use of a journal. I wrote how I want to save ..  Where to place residual funds from buying less
I receive joy from weeding a source of nutrition from my cart in the check out stand
Better the individual have the money the company

Native

A woman described growing up in Phoenix, Arizona ...she lived near the airport.   I responded by informing her there was one terminal when I was a child...

She said you must be older then you look....I said: " Well maybe there was two terminals"...

A Public Unzipping

I took a job that may not be an automatic fit for an automatic fit of a new pad.   After slowly decreasing my size though the decreasing the size of food intake....I have increased in size..

I have stopped obsessing with social interaction and started obsessing about pasta or rice

my general discomfort regarding my newish job  has lead me to stand in front of the TV and watch repeats of "Everybody Loves Raymond" while clutching a Tupperware container of heated left-over
pasta ...veggies... and chicken at 1am

however much I eat it is never enough...I must stop before all my zippers start to unroll at their own motor in public

Ping of Pleasure

When I moved into new digs...I brought twenty years of  cards from my parents...stuffed into a manila envelope....

I tucked a selection of cards into various cabinets...behind plates or treasured Q-tips... seeing them and the dash of color from the card's pattern  gives a ping of pleasure ...

Apartment

I signed a lease on a new apartment.   It is the first apartment that I selected based on choice then

circumstances....

It has brought a wave of emotion that this will permeate other areas of my life

Unstitching

When unstitching a previous relationship, I would inform certain woman friends that I would always

have a bond with him.

I painted myself as needing to be available when he needed help because he brought certain behaviors into my life...


Then one day, I was walking and it came to me....one decision ..one thought...one desire...does not
determine being locked in...a mind can be changed...

Atheist

We did something that I was told we should never do....We talked about religion at a party.  

I was book-ended by two atheists....I do not think I believe in that ...it is so  absolute

Golden Showers

I submitted a personal ad.  I wanted to expand my life experiences....throwing out a fishing line for a blind date...

A man responded, with a picture, with a request for golden showers....he appeared to be quite  impassioned by the possibility of it....

The notion of it prompted me to be most curious about the process....would he have rubber sheets?...

which is a more appropriate hostess gift? bedpan or urine sample...


I did not meet him

More Croutons and less Cheer

I went to a salad bar today....a place I routinely choose for my produce hook-up....the attendants greet people with such exuberance  that it floods my frontal lobe with the question, "do anti-depressants come with your company plan"....

I would prefer less cheer and more croutonsMore ...

High School Reunion

A man was discussing his reluctance to attend a high school reunion.   He was bullied and feared similar behavior at the gathering.  

I asked him if he would like to be treated as he is now or as he was....I  proceeded his request to be reacted to his current himself with the suggestion he do the same for the former classmates....

Keep it Corked

A man and I were hosting a dinner party. Sitting in anticipation of our first guest... Everything was set...  I turned to the man and asked if we should let the wines breath... He responded :

"No, not for the quality of wines you buy"

Self Programming

I saw a man today.   He was engaging in rituals that he knows will upset him...he is programming

himself  to be upset...

It was a reminder for me to focus more on what will  program me to be positive...weed out behavior or people that de-elevate spirits

Jackie Kennedy

When people questioned my spending time with the stallion....I would explain to them that he would only tell me  what was right about me.....no friendly suggestions of  behavioral changes....

The opposite experience of my formative years and I soaked it up.... whenever and however I could


Cut to last Friday night, I was listening to the tapes of Jackie Kennedy and she revealed that her husband never asked her to be different then who she was when she was First Lady....


Acceptance is the gift we can give each other...

Indirect Force

A woman was venting to me about her relationships...whenever her story reminded me of an area of my desired change or a past period of inferiority ..

My elevated breathy  neutral position would became a forceful strained voiced one...

It is almost like I think that if I indirectly change the characters in the story ....by repeating determined assessments ...then I will change a part of myself  or a part of my life..

Limiting Stallion

I have slipped and have been making a common mistake.     Ending a summer relationship with a man, Stallion, has triggered a delayed reaction.

"What if I can not do better then the Stallion"?


which is preposterous....I would rather seek options and stay alone...then fear being with a person that can limit me...

It could be more about how to get out of the moment (quickly) then how to avoid it....

Four Pounds

I have  become one of the masses that walks armed with a Styrofoam cup from Circle K....it has reduced my soda drinking...which broke my weight plateau by enabling a four pound weight loss....I fill it with water...

The cup has become my security blanket and the straw  attacks my oral fixation which releases the potench of demanding cravings...

Unblocking Beauty

A woman submitted the following theory....

The theory is that blocked contentment can block beauty.   My, recent, increased comfort in my skin has increased positive reactions of my behavior....

Mental Illness

A member of my circle is mentally ill.  The person appeared to be stable.....I observed that through perpetual symptoms  related to various displays of anger....

Our recent convos are illustrating an advancement  that has given my  minutes to being jarred....a sense of reality does not appear to be present...

I am adding this to  my list of what I am unable to control

Could be an Option

What do you do when you have a mentally ill relative?    I talked to her for fifteen minutes about food portions only to have it followed with an email stating that we never talked about food portions....

She is never in present day...she retold stories of her being wronged from the 1970s, 1990s and the 2000s

She won't make sense with the fierce attitude that she is only one that is.....

Wishing her the best from a distance could be an option

Indeed

My first convo with a  young woman was filled with her proclaiming her good qualities .  I pointed out her high level of self confidence.

She reacted, "why not"

Why not indeed....

Stallion's Reality

The stallion was sharp...just so sharp...striking looking and gave me a form of acceptance that I had never had...let's also throw in that he was 26...

I stayed with  him longer than was best because I was enthralled by the concept of this unexpected composite of a person being  drawn to me...

It was more about the concept then the reality...

"Busy Sweater"

I was cruising clothes choices while on the horn with my super gay crush.  Describing a sweater selection dominated the dialogue ....

He endeavored to hone my fashion taste by declaring that the sweater sounded to "busy"

His warning was not heeded and I wore it that night...When I informed him of my outfit during my post dinner date wrap-up.....

He queried, " I thought we decided that you were not going to buy that"

Seedling

I introduced a story with a negative self  evaluation ...

The listener reacted with: "cut the commentary"

It was crisp and has seeded a change

Advancing Each Other

When I was reunited with grade school chum,  stories spilled out of me.  I was mad to tell him the multiple ways his  mother changed my viewpoints.  

He was drawn to how wording could be so effecting.... We are advancing each other's lives everyday without knowing it...

Howard Stern

I had a moment when I was listening to a Howard Stern interview ....

A man was describing his professional history ..... Brain cells brightened
with the thought that I should be achieving instead of hearing about
other's achieving

Dollar Menus

Dollar Menus have become the cuisine of the homeless and the working poor

Sister

It was never my intention to be unable to communicate  with my sister.    Her absence becomes more acute when I find myself  using a shared voice or facial expression....

Tells only she would understand.....I have wanted to be her and have been grateful not to be her.

The reason I am grateful not to be her is why I am unable to communicate with her.....

Bit Trippin

I am a bit trippin over my sprouting vanity over aging....particularly for a person that has not been valued for her looks.....

The first time vanity became my companion was  when I looked into the mirror and saw that a flat wrinkle had become a drained irrigation ditch....long and deep....

Fittingly, an equally high point of vanity was finding a start to a varicose vein below my knee...

Hence a trip to WEBMD for prevention.....of  vain moments..

Sober Man

I asked the universe  to add a sober man to my social circle.    Last night, I reconnected with a man....I ran into him on my nightly walk....he works across the street from my ghetto pad....and

has become sober....he seems to be  a sincere sober guy....I could use some of that

Twenties in my Forties

I am experiencing my twenties in my forties.    first dates....only dates...experimentation...a new layer of self respect that weeds out continuing to  practice  forms of experimentation

Experiencing my first "break- up" has been a part of the education.   I ended my relationship with the
"STALLION" ...I will go from the embodiment of being at peace with the decision...only seeing the benefits....then I will be out on my nightly walk and bales of grief will hit me...

The grief has been the origin of a renewed compassion and admiration for people that  are enduring and functioning through divorces or other major life style changes

Waiting

I met a man. He is very empowering ... I love how he communicates with me.... He classifies  me as a person like no other person he has met...,

I consider him a person perfect for me while he does not  consider me perfect for him

I will have to keep you posted

True Colors

I described clamming up, in response to being insulted   to a woman.... she suggested, that I   express being hurt......by saying " your words hurt my feelings"

I am not a person that showed that true color...maybe I should start..

Two in One

My pattern has always been that whenever I struck upon an awareness ... I would report it ... It confirmed the break- through's existence ... Even if it required a phone tree to do it ..,

Then I had a different form of break-though.... Not reporting an insight does not negate it's power

Dis-Engaged

I know a woman that spits out falsehoods in a rabid manner.....I would sputter to my mother's friend....does she not have the intelligence God gave her?....or is it more a matter of insulting mine...

The woman framed it in words that I could understand....the woman's mouth is dis-engaged from her brain

Addicted to Hope

I have relatives that I continue to pursue a relationship with....my pursuance frequently garners

disappointing results.

I have become addicted to hope when associating with certain people ....with family in particular

a hope that we will, all, come together and they will be comfortable in their own skin

Performer

I perform at comedic open mics.   While I am not a driven performer, I continue to do it.

Whenever I do it, I feel like my life was a wee bit less wasted because I stepped out of a comfort zone.

DEA Agent

A friend established that I had the goods for being a double DEA agent....
the drug of focus is meth ... The woman pointed out all I had to offer in this
arena ...

She said, almost with glee, you talk constantly ... You are up all night and
you certainly have meth teeth ...

( my teeth are jagged from grinding)

I maintain the position that if I did meth ... I would be thinner and my laundry
would have been done by now

Vigilant

A man asked me about a mutual acquaintance ... I was caught off guard by the question and sputtered
out an answer ...

I should have been more vigilant ... and suggested he contact the person

I blew it on that one

It Can Be Done

There are days when I feel like I will not emerge from the rejection of my own design....that there is a highway of  certain emotional deprivations outstretched in front of me....

I am in need of repair to create better routes and evolve my human scenery

It can be done

Deep Listening

I heard a good phrase today. The phrase is " deep listening"

Think of the nuggets that can be extracted when we do deeply listen and observe the important people

in our lives

One is Enough

A widow was describing her marriage to me,  " I could not have asked for more...he was extremely

thoughtful"

She concluded with the declaration that she would not want to marry again...one marriage is enough...

Siberian Coldness

I have an older relative that appears to be fading.   I feel a loyal connection to this relationship.  I visit him routinely .....

The group of people that surround him are unpleasant for unpleasant sake....upon entering the room, I feel a Siberian level coldness....a dismissiveness of my neutral coments

He has made his choice of company...making the choice knowing they hated me...

The question that bounces in my head....which is harder? dealing with hatred being directed at me? or

having potential regrets?

Of course, I am anticipating my reaction to his death instead of reacting naturally when it happens...

The Stallion at the Gate

I have been nagged by a nightly desire.   My desire is to be greeted by the Stallion upon my entry to my complex....walking back from the bus stop...I think it would be  comforting to be shown I am missed....the stallion coming in person to tell me in multiple detail how his life has not been the same
since my departure from it....

Then when I arrive and see he is not there....I am relieved

Nice Guy

A woman told me that women will not date a nice guy.   That is a depressing theory.  

Let's stop circulating depressing theories

"Lake"

A man and I were viewing a lake.  I asked if the "lake" was a reservoir...he responded,

"no, I think it is man made"

New Goal

A new goal could be not to look quizzically at the man complementing my looks...

The Wagging of Stallion's Tail

When the stallion and I broke up. I was at peace...relieved.....surprised at much I looked forward to returning to my routines...

Then it seemed to change as spontaneously as the wagging of a tail.   Moments started being spent

daydreaming about our periods of closeness....when he singled me out from a group to make sure

I was comfortable or happy....feeling unity in convos...making out at stoplights

When I drift off in this manner, I will hand pick a memory that was less nurturing and slap myself awake

Off to the Side

A woman entered my work space. She declared my facial expression as  sort of sad... . I took a call..

she stood quietly to the side until my call my completed, for an opportunity to gently touch base..


I was extremely touched

"Thank you for not Smoking"

I had a day that could be equal to an emotional obstacle course.  Cigarettes would be the subject of my reach....  at one point, I walked over to a public ashtray.... then I would divert my attention and reserve the practicing of the habit for the future...

The pattern continued until close to bedtime.    Maybe I will be able to quit smoking after all...

Have to be Experienced

My mother is dead.   This classification effects my reactions when I hear discussions between mothers and their daughters.

I will stop myself from blurting out, " if your mother wants to hang out with you,...go do it...if she needs help moving a heavy object ..go do it...if she wants help unloading the car for a donation drop.... go do it...

My best memories of my mother are unloading 100 books, into a collection receptacle, from her car...

observing and laughing on her couch or clearing out her storage area because the items would trigger

memories and words....

I keep my mouth shut because this may be something to have to be experienced not told

Stallion

I held on to  a man longer then it was wise.    He, the stallion, celebrated what my family rejected....it was an exquisite intoxication ....I was accepted in a way that I did not believe was possible...


Just as he was profoundly different, he was also profoundly similar.   I had to move on because he

began communicating like the people that raised me..... reason to flee

Moment Changing

When I have moments when I am fearful that I won't change

I must observe what I like about myself 

Proposition

A woman texted, me, a desire to have more hanky panky from her mate... I texted back,
ask him... She did and they did

Do not be afraid to ask for things in all areas

Which?

A woman described her relationship as more moments of conflict then peace ..,

I asked her, which do ( you) consider worse? Being alone or enduring strife?

Happy Hour

I interact with a woman routinely. She refers to attending happy hours with friends... She invites
random people into the mix... I used to feel hurt by the exclusion ...

Then I reminded myself that I hate happy hours

Reachable

A daughter was expressing her thoughts about her
parents...

Daughter: They are always suggesting changes..  They are concerned about
my future... They do not treat my brother that way ...

I suggest that they may feel the daughter is more reachable .... A different
expectation level is being felt

Afternoon Delight

A woman, frequently, complains about having to ask her boyfriend for sexual happenings...  The last time I saw her, she reported getting a text from, the boyfriend, inviting afternoon delight.


She evaluated it as controlling

Could of, Would of

Reporting to my mother's friend, I could have left "HIM" about fourteen times ...you know, if I could have left "HIM" ..I would have...

Sadly, I needed the brick wall...

Split Apart

I was conflicted about a pair of pants...felt a lack of peace while donning them yet could not force myself to deposit them in the dumpster...

When concluding my shift, the pants split apart...they cracked along my crack...if you will

the universe decided for me...

Missing

I feel a sense of sadness...as if I am missing a person I have not yet met..

Feather Dusting

A woman relayed a story of  a male friend having sex with his maid.  I thought of feather dusting in a whole new way...

Protective Theory

I ended the "summer romance" and watched him walk away.  While watching his strides ...I told myself our paths will cross again...

Perhaps a self protective theory for my engagement until the fresh skin grows over the abrasion

Cake Walk

I believed that facing the fear of stand up comedy made a lot of what life had to
offer seem like a cake walk .... Now I wonder if it was witnessing disease swallow up the KEY relatives in my life

Package

I have felt more interest in the apartment...packed fridge and freezer and his cable package  then the man.... oh we can forget about the comfy couch...

A sign that I am thinking more about his cable package then his actual package makes think that I would rather date his pad then him..

Dirty Harry

Saturday night brought a blind date.  While moving towards making a seafood dinner a reality...the

escort announced that he had to make a stop...minutes after arriving at the back of a club... emerging from his car seat ...

He performed a two step motion.  The dude grunted, "I am going in" Concluding his narrative by  place a gun in his pants...

The last time I saw a gun that size was in the hand of Clint Eastwood during a Dirty Harry flick

"Settling"

I ended a sexual relationship. I was struck by the difference of women(s) and men's reactions. The women friends feed me with  warnings of reuniting with him.... fearful I would crumble at a chance
to be with him....

Male friends are sending ,me, text messages conveying words of admiration
for not "settling"

Crab Cake

I had a moment ,last week, when I knew my company could be had for
central air and a crab cake ... the negotiation was not realized .. I  was tempted
though

Wine Bottles

I thought of a vessel that could double as a piggy bank.  A wine bottle...I can thread a folded  bill of choice  down the neck of the bottle ....

A bottle with a narrow neck does not provide easy access during times of panicked deprivation ....

Unclear

I have moments perhaps even hours when I feel in over my head...It is not always clear, to me, who I have to turn to ...to seek counsel..

Loud Whispering

I spent the summer dating a man.  As the third act approached, the whispering in the back of my head

became louder..."he is limiting you"

I would make a mental plan to expand my circle by  contacting  other men...I never did...always turning back to who was convenient ...

He did not limit me... I did

Residing in Grey

Even though I usually reside in grey, I hold a black and white position on my ending of  a "romantic" relationship.

Whenever I do not display anger towards him .... which is my usual M.O. my closest woman friends express a fear that I will re-engage with the man.

This is far from the truth...I am relieved that, after being on a brick wall, a decision was made...

Indirect Effects

I used to think  that the main ways to avoid the direct effects of members of addiction was not to share children or money matters.

A certain acquaintance changed my position.   I used share a working space with a man that participated in drug use....

He would react to what he thought I meant instead of what I actually said in a straight forward manner....

He would loose things on a daily basis...favorite mug ..pen...appointment book and he would always recruit people to look for them

He would present ten different opinions on ten different days on the same concept...

It reminded me how a depth of a habit can permeate every angle of  a life

Brilliant

I overheard the following discussion between a mother and a daughter. 

Mother: are you sad?

Daughter: no, I am ME

Brilliant

Words from a Neighbor...

I described the ending of a relationship to a neighbor...I concluded the story by asking, isn't that depressing that a person would make that choice against another person...

She said, it would be even more depressing if you went back to it....

Prettiness

Feeling misery over a betrayal and gaining weight...I caught myself in the mirror... I saw a prettiness in my face...

A testament to the human spirit

Wading Through

A "relationship" ended in such a cliché manner that it is hard not feeling like a fool.   I must wade through an inventory of behaviors...to learn the extent of my role in the creating of the betrayal.

Fedora

I crossed the street with a man from the Jewish faith...complete with a fedora...I turned to him and asked  if this was his day to walk....

not expecting it to be on a Thursday...he responded, "No, I decided to take a walk tonight"

Shaken Not Stirred

I was seeing a man over the summer.   Whenever I would waffle about whether to continue to spend time with him....I would think of a reason to stay in the relationship...comfortable in silence...feeling a level of safety...a first experience with a certain of type of acceptance...

Yesterday, He created a negative  that could not be cancelled out with a positive.   I told him not contact me...

He stood in  the parking lot, yelling my name... I was shaken not stirred

Ring Ading Ding

My phone was taken by a friend of a "friend".   I felt so stupid...I looked away for two minutes....asking myself why I did not put it in my pocket...reliving and regretting..

Then I thought, I am not the one that  committed a crime against another human...

DogFriend

A woman and I were talking about relationships... She responded, "I would rather have a dog"

I can concur on certain days

Three-Way Mirror

A woman was describing her tattoo.... It a portrait ... A scene that gives me serenity ..., I asked her,
"Do u need a three-way mirror to find your serenity"?

Master Expansion

Practicing an area of life has brought notable improvement.   While receiving the reinforcement for the accomplished progress...I thought if I can master  this particular habit then I bet I can master all sorts of things that I did not think I could....

About Me not About Him

I have been partnered with a man for 2.5 months. The progression of the relationship
distracted me with the wonder of a person like him being drawn to me ....

Finishing a convo with him has elicited   the question: it is about how I feel about him
not about how much he feels about  me

Robin Williams

A woman sent me her emailed reaction to Robin Williams' suicide.  Her theory was it would increase suicides....

I was dumb founded that a person can be so determined in an uneducated guess...and if a person is fervent in a theory...why pick a negative one..

Angry Quotables

I am related to verbally violent people.  Whenever I am exposed to their angry quotables...I come away with the question...

"Who told you it was okay to talk or treat people this way?"

High Road

A man and I share a work space...He shows disdain for me...I was listing his positive traits to a woman

she classified it as taking the "high road" ...a person disliking me does not negate his superior qualities...

Elton John

Elton John has said that the elaborate costumes he wore while he was performing was a compensation for his insecurities...

What we do not know about people's self view and how they display it may suggest that we be open to wishing them wellness and a sense of peace....even if from a distance

Knee-Jerk Reaction

I am in my first male/female relationship.   The relationship has sprung up a new campus of self- education.

A key discovery was my continuum of  certain knee-jerk reactions.   While engaging in a sex life with a boyfriend...I would think or say, no-one would have any sexual interest in me...."it is just not
possible"

Even though the man involved has told me he loved me, I told a close friend that, a man would not love me...

Awareness starts change

Not a Bust

I have a male friend.  I have been friends with him for over five years.   A woman considers him my super crush and suggests I cease being friends with him.

The man keeps me in the knowledge that everything I need is inside of me.....I am smart...and empowers me in other ways...

I refuse to believe that the friendship is a bust because I am not making out with him...

Reacting to the Reaction

I am starting to practice not to anticipate reactions...react when I am faced with the behavior or reaction

Boyish

I have been "seeing" a  26 year man.   He was smiling a lot yesterday.....I usually think of him with fierce intent...

When I looked at him smiling and laughing with one of my best friends...the first word that sprung to
my mind was boyish....how boyish he was

Then again, he is 26, of course he is boyish ...

Advice is all Around Us

Clearly, certain people, appear to, feel quite comfy cozy dispensing advice...

A  borderline homeless woman gives, me,  advice on how "to save money"

A man, deep in his addiction, advises me on the destruction of  poor eating and sleeping habits..

Ironically, I do not suggest they make any changes to their lives...when they are ready, their change has a greater potential of coming...

Hawaii

A neighbor spitted out that he had spent his youth in prison .., I could relate to his feelings of restriction... I, once, flew to Hawaii in "Coach" and my vegetarian meal was lost ...

So clearly, I felt a kinship with him

What He Did Not Ask?

A man wanted me to hang with his best friend. His friend has expressed a dislike for me.

My Man , sought affirmation'   from his cousin  for me to be able to spend time as his pad ..., what

he did  not seek is if I wanted to be in the atmosphere of his main man

Citrus Face

I was reporting information to an employee at the changing of shifts.   She responded, seemingly out of the blue, that she found me entertaining...

This is a person that  has never appeared to find me the least bit amusing and looks like she is sucking a tart citrus....

Kind thoughts are being directed at us from all over our world....

Goal for August

My goal for this month is to live without fear.   Fear has not proven to be a motivating or protective mechanism

Fear's main effect, in my life, has been anticipating a negative result that does come to fruition.

The mental list for accomplishment is reduce behavior that creates anxiety.... spend  money on what is needed not wanted....react to actual situation not anticipated situation.....ask myself  how I feel when with certain people...plan a quiet period of concentration for each day....

Points of Deprivation

I was one of four people riding the encapsulated heat of a late model sedan.   Absorbing and amused by the car's culture.   My daily anxiety appeared to be suspended until we got to the fast food drive-through ....with my wearable cotton clinging to my back...I began to want to demand the previously ordered soda...I needed the sugar to dissolve my assumed backlogged anxiety...

Hearing the other passengers rumble with their desires while (very much) desiring my soda... made me think we may all have points of deprivation .... ranging from biological addiction to thought to be addictions....reactions may equally vary

His shades of Life

I met a man. Even though we are diamonds, we only displayed one side of ourselves. While I was private regarding my history... He lied about parts of his... a part of my reaction was a surprise because I did not react  in anger ... as his lies unfolded and it seemed like he felt he was masking the truth ... I felt the truth was becoming more acute (to me)  I thought less of his betrayal and more about the pressure he may feel in manifesting all of his webs .... I wondered if this was what it feels like
to be unconditional about a human residing in my life .... Resulting in visualizing him to exhale and relieving himself of  the pressure of the multiple shades of his life

Emotional Decor

I have volunteered for most of my life's wrinkles, mistreatment, drama, trauma and  crisis.    I volunteered for the adversity by who I spent time with and what I put in my mouth...

My emotional décor is "writing on the wall" ...My solace is that it is not to late to change...

Black and in his Twenties

I spend time with a black man in his twenties.   When I describe our convos with my closest friend ... She expresses surprise with  what a sharp minded contributor he is ... I am not

A Final Night

More then once in my life, I have talked to people, close to me, a final time and did not know it was going to be a final time.

There is a man that is worthy of being faded out of my life.   I dig the guy yet feel he may not be the best fit for me.

I want to see him one last time and soak up the moments ....be less casual and resistant ...be more open to what is suggested...

The thought plagues me, am I fooling myself and will it only wet more of my appetite for him

Social Choice

I have been  negotiating with the Universe to spread my dating  wings.   I got a text from a man from my past.   It felt out of the blue....perhaps it is reinforcement of the power of intention...

We talked and laughed on the phone. Our emotional atmosphere had the comfort of sharing a  history...

Talking him reminded me of  social choice...a choice we all have and share....

Most Natural Selves

I have been  seeing a man for over a  month.    He will refer to me as hot when I am at my most authentic

I do not view this as random or accidental timing ....I think we are the most appealing when we are being our most natural selves....

Pancakes

When my boyfriend and I engage in hanky panky....  he will place  his hands on my milk makers....it feels like he is trying to flatten them into pancakes which always makes me wonder if he is craving pancakes....everything, for me, has a connection with food....

The question always rumbles around in my head, "maybe we should pause our grand slam and run to Dennys for their grand slam"

ME

When I went to the store between work and returning to my ghetto pad...I would text, a specific gent,

to seek any food requests.  

I was looking for a person to consider when I already have one...ME

Peaceful Performance

I performed on stage.  I did not elicit guffaws yet was liked by the crowd.   The key reaction was that I was relaxed.

People are attracted and calmed by people that appear that appear to be comfortable in their skin....at peace...

Her Protocol

I know a straight couple.  I asked the man, on a whim, to join me, with friends, out on the town.

The woman became quite angry.  Her protocol was that I should have asked her prior to asking him.

Her protocol varies from mine...which is to talk directly to the person and if a person is in a relationship then it up to that person to discuss it with the partner...

Am I only one that thinks this way...?

A boy's observation

I spent the day with a young boy.... at the end of the day, he asked me: "why do always think everything is your fault"?

I was struck a little dumb by his question and his observing of  my day long behavior

Emotional Bill

I have been wrestling to remove a certain group of people from my life. When describing the situation to another person, he worded my thoughts perfectly

His response was: it seems like an optional emotional bill  for you

Sharing a Bed

A man and I spent a Sunday afternoon discussing how we wanted our relationship to be....that night we shared a bed....

He was on the computer and I wanted to be taken by sleep. I was learning that you  
can share a bed and still be consumed with loneliness

Raw Reaction Emerged

I have more surprise then understanding of my reaction to last night's occurrence...

A man and I have been seeing other...including a physical relationship....I thought I felt worthy of the companionship.... I feel equal in value, in the relationship, when with or without him...

Then I had this reaction happened and the self loathing that I thought I had purged emerged....



A woman enquired if I was with this particular man....even though  I was ...My raw reaction was shock that a person would ever think a man would be with me... " Like that would ever happen"

"A man being attracted to me"

CVS

I dropped a liquid substance in an  aisle of CVS.   I asked the manager what the policy was on spilled unpaid for products....He said, "we,just, clean  it up"

Their store policy appears to be a good life policy...clean it up and move on....

Dreamer

I was talking to an eight year old boy about naps.   He said, " I love sleeping because then I dream all sorts of good things"....

I wish, for him,  to learn to dream when he is awake....

Love Action

Some people love through their actions not their words

"Minute Man"

I can be ditzy or disconnected.   I was sharing private personal time with a man.   He announced he was "no minute man"

I thought what does   Massachusetts Civil War Soldiers have to do with his sexual stamina

He was also in Her Bed

I was seeing a man.  I found out he was having sex with a mutual acquaintance while we were together.

The girl told me without knowing I was seeing him when they were engaging in a biblical relationship.

I stopped myself from asking her certain questions,  did he say this to you when he was in your bed, because that specific knowledge would only distract me and not  advance me.

True Blubbering

I have been contributing goods to a displaced family....I am drawn to the kids...I bring them books, clothes and personal products... The first time I saw the kids ...I witnessed a blankness, in their eyes,  that I had never seen before....

I was never a person that could cry...I envied the purging of emotion of  people that cry...from the point of departure of their living quarters to the point of arrival of my living quarters ..I cry hysterically ...it is true blubbering...

Being drawn can be draining ...

Stolen Threads

Life can be so strange.  I had reached a breaking point...coming to the end of my wearable wardrobe ..

So I dragged my two large bags of  dirty threads  to the  laundromat .  While the clothes were in the dryer, I stepped out for  a short period of time... something I have never done.. when I returned, the clothes were gone.. I was robbed  of  my  summer wardrobe..

The same week this happened, I was organizing a clothing drive for a family I adopted....

Chloroform

I have started to keep company with a man.   He will suggest different places to visit...he always uses the same word grouping...

"With your permission, I would like to take you to the Irish Cultural Center"

When he uses this preamble to his proposed dates....I always have a vision of being applied with
Chloroform and dragged to different cultural events.

Like Father, Like Boyfriend

When I crush on a man, I ask myself two questions. The questions are how is he like my father and am I repeating a pattern...

I am keeping company with a man that appears nothing like my father until tonight.
I witnessed a man mistreat his daughter..... I reported the incident to the dad ... and the dad did nothing .... It informed me how he was like my father...., hanging out with men that disrespected

his offspring .....

Seeking Defination

I have started to associate with a man.  while  we talk, he will stop the convo by asking his phone for the definition of  my randomly submitted words.....

It is interesting to discover which words I am using incorrectly ...

Kate Winslet

When people ask me about my college years, I am usually stymied.   Describing my vision, as student, for following college is frequently a thorny proposal  

Kate Winslet has said it for me,  I was fat....I did not see myself as having a place in the world....



vanity fair interview

In My Face

I was, always, dismissive  of guys that wore  their jeans low....with most of their boxers in full view...or as I thought of it...in my face..

Then I met a guy... purely by accident...that wore his jeans with his red plaid boxers in my face...

We took the same college classes.  He was deep and very articulate.   His humor was, also, advanced.

In general, the man exhibited a dear disposition.   My meeting him has been a reinforcement of not judging a person by their cover

Sixth Grade

During my sixth grade year, a therapist informed my mother that I suppress

thoughts and it could cause me harm.

My Father's sister reacted: "What could u be possibly suppressing"?

Vertical Stripes

Working in retail can put you face to face with questionable decisions...a particularly curious one is

large people buying clothes featuring vertical stripes...

In the Last Six Months

When I have been, the last six months, truly myself...did not overthink.. I got a job, passed advancement tests ... was asked out...and succeeded during an open mic night

I must remember this and not overthink it..

Ever

I am experiencing male attention for the first time....EVER...I would take almost every offer....thinking it may be the first and last time the proposal was given...

A morning this week, I decided I would start to say no.. because  feeling iffy was a potential result

of saying  yes...

weirdly, that night I got an offer, I said no because I do not need more self doubt...

Oral Optics

I wore my glasses while engaging in oral....which upon reflection could have appeared to be insulting

Hand picked

I hand pick people to be my cautionary tales.

Do Unto Myself

I must learn to stop doing things to advance others until I have done everything I can to advance myself.

I desired to get people together now I desire to get myself together

Grit

Feeling fortunate to be free of most physical limitations ...I offered to clean a welfare's mother's dishes...I nervously entered her apartment...she assured me that she had soap and no bugs...

I washed a portion of her dishes...my hands shook as they glided the sponge across the plates and in the glasses...

I ask myself if  it was a fear  of being like her....nurturing grit could be the answer for prevention

Hard Candy

A man, in his thirties, asked me to spend time with him.   The width of our age gap prompted me to want to offer him a hard candy

One

Having one less self defeating thought, exhibiting one less self defeating behavior,  taking one moment to assume the position of worthiness is a ripple of change

Chinese Food

A man asked me out for Chinese food. I asked him: which restaurant....

Self-Proposing

Thinking about the behaviors I want to eradicate has caused  me to self-propose...

selecting one day a week when I do not engage in that behavior....

The Music of Verbal Quickness

A man asked me if I ever, get over the top,  bubbly....I was outwardly coy...inside I was stymied ...thinking it was strange I could not give myself an example of a time that I was bubbly...

Could this be a matter of syntax?...getting older has increased my experiencing the joy of dancing in the music of the verbal quickness of others...

More Choices...

One of the variations  of the economics of weight loss is more price choices in your size...more stores
carry your size.... more access to clearance or sale racks.. particularly when needing an outfit

for an interview in a snap

Between Pot Stickers?

Why does my local Chinese restaurant put their T.V on the Univision channel?

Their employees are Asian ...are they striving to learn Spanish between pot stickers?

Grateful Dead

I have been thinking  of  certain lyrics from the song, "Truckin" by the "Grateful Dead"

"they can not revoke your soul for tryin" ....."you do not know the value of your hand til

you lay it down"

Even though the song oils my motivation, it still leaves me with the question, who is the

"doodah man"?

Into Chicks

Whenever I am flirting via text and the guy thinks I am into chicks ...I think...could I be ...not quite pulling  this off..

an error in my delivery

KITCHEN SESSIONS

I was complaining to a friend's mother....I sent Molly and Avi about six emails regarding my timeline

for visiting them....then when I visit them...they act like I never informed  them of any details of my trip...

She suggested that if I contact people less then people would listen to me more...

I ask to meet with her every week...I refer to them as the


 KITCHEN  SESSIONS

Not the Marrying Kind

People ask me why I have not married.   I was not meant to be married because I knew more of the qualities I was afraid to have in a spouse...then what I did want

One was not the Group

A manager expressed a lack of faith in my ability to perform a certain task.   I overstated my plan of action to another manager...

Making the mistake of believing that one believed as the group did

Warning Shot

Whenever I put written words in the post....I feel compelled to call the person to notify them that

a note has been directed  in their geographical direction  ....a warning shot if you will...part of my oddness

When my Eyes Open

Certain mornings, I wake up themed with the narrative of a memory of my bad public behavior or a being screamed at by a person from my past....

The memories are like blunt instruments.  I will not be aware of what will trigger it...the consumption begins when my eyes open...

All I can is keep moving....be out in the world...go to a movie...go to a library...engage in positive self

behavior...

Her Process

I was studying a woman's process.   She was preparing herself for the following day's work.

I was in awe of her effective and methodical movement.  She concluding her exhibit by informing me...in the beginning...she did not know if she knew if she could be a success in her job that is more like a lifestyle...


Reminding me I was seeing her mid-relationship with her process

Blown and Expanded

A man sent me a text....I thought the cryptic message could only mean one thing...He was seeking space...

Of course it displayed only one meaning because it was me who received it....the man was the rest of the world..

I reported the text to a woman and she asked if I sought or confirmed the meaning of the message

because before I do that I really do not know what the guy meant....

my mind was blown and expanded

Mary Jane

A man was complaining of not having money for food.  He acted with a diminished worth because he was vacant of a road map on how to emerge from his circumstances of less.

I gave him an assignment with an assigned fee....He completed the task....He lit up when describing his process...prideful in his result

He spent half of his proceeds on "Mary-jane"....Who doesn't want an escape?

Sealed and Delivered

I fearfully anticipate craving and will nervously buy something salty or sweet...Then once certain periods of the evening have floated by and I rediscover the Pringles or cookies in my bag..

I give them to my neighbor....sealed and delivered...I am halfway there...

Relearning

A man was struggling with balancing while being assisted by a cane.  He stopped to let me pass him.

I motion for him to exceed me in space...I took the minute to be grateful that I have not had to relearn

to walk

Moving Walkways

Do you use the moving walkways at airports?   The moving walkway that has glided though my life
has contained a range in the amount and the quality of person.

My ability to show the passengers that cultivated my self doubt and were not clear on my value

the gate to other social lands has been less then polished.

I feel that when they have rejected me...the universe has given me a gift...realizations of the universe may arrive faster then mine

Pick and Choose

Standing against a fridge.... across from a woman positioned in front of a butcher block
she dispensed advice with the same precision as she cut broccoli and mushrooms ....

The emotional nutrition she gave me was : PICK AND CHOOSE

Who and what is worthy of my focus

Ponderosa Market

I am sharing a porch and a different....new town with two sisters... I interrupt their chamber of commerce quality  news conference with the urgent question:

Where do I go for nervous eating?

They did not miss a beat .... No facial expression of judgment

"Ponderosa market ... It closes at 10pm"

These are the people I need to have in my life

Even More

I reconnected with a woman. Welcoming her questions about me... offering to schedule additional periods to be available to talk about myself....

Could I be even more self absorbed then I profess to be....

Blind Eye

I have reunited with the daughter of the eye doctor that performed an eye surgery on my dad.

He had a detached retina and it was the first major surgery during my relationship with him

I always thought it was a perfect cause because he frequently turned a blind eye

Pink Envelopes

Within days of my first days of being a college freshman .., my father dispensed his significant exiting advice:

When the envelopes for utility bills change color .., like pink . ...that is the time
to pay them..,, to prevent disconnection

I love my Dad

Spiritless

Laying in bed...feeling spiritless...wondering what my next step would be....how to take the decided step...then I thought of  a caged bird singing...

thinking of that gave me a belief that  my spirit could rebuild

Morning,Noon and Night

I communicate and laugh with a married man.   I have moments when I think of how lucky his wife is ....to have more access to his brain....he dances in verbal quickness

 easy for me to think...I do not have to share a check register with him...I do not have to experience his moodiness...or hear the same stories...remind him repeatedly to do a task..

I am in it for a few minutes each day...she is in it morning noon and night

Preemptive Strike

There is a man I talk to and  surrendered my unconsumed  calories almost daily. 

Out of the blue...there was no flirting from me to swat... He announced that "while he had no sexual interest in me, he always looks forward to the  intellectual stimulation generated by my words"

The fact that he felt compelled to target a preemptive strike confirms that the confusion is only with
him

Grateful Query

I will call people and report a behavior of a person that crossed my path.   It is usually some behavior that means nothing in the formulation of my life's goals....

Just at the point when I am asking the listener, "why do you think that person  refused to go to the shorter line" or "she does not even know  that she is engaging in a specific pattern of male selection"

The listener will pointedly ask, "why are we talking about this"

and I will always  be grateful for the query

Thirteen Dollars

A hungry man put 13 dollars worth of groceries on the conveyor belt.
His card was declined . When describing his anger swished with mortification ..   He concluded,
then she has to put the food back (on the shelves)

I thought why didn't he restock the food

Pebbles and Bricks

An unemployed neighbor and I  share  our minutes at the day's end.  I suggested that he use this time to write what kind of future he wants and how did his  being react before a  negative experience....

what was the pebble before the brick wall?


Then I thought I should be the one journaling....for doling out unsolicited advice

Pumpkin Smashing

During the fetal stages of my comedic performing, more experienced bookers declared I would only
connect with white people of a certain income level. 

My delivery was an acquired taste.  I have been smashing that profiled expectation, this past year, like a pumpkin after Halloween

I have been killing with black men ages 18 years to 30 Years..

When people describe your limitations ..DO NOT EVER LISTEN.... Do your own research .

Sneeze Guard

I was designing a salad in a soup/salad culinary establishment.   Only a sneeze guard came between the girl and me.  

The body of her questions were correct predictions of my preferred toppings and dressing...

Was she reading my lettuce leaves?

Distorted Image

I work in a department store.  My days are spent seeing how women see their bodies...talk about distorted body image...

I have to fight not to ask: "Do you really think you can pull that off" ..."and in that size"

Computer Date

There are moments when I wish certain men would communicate with me like my computer

I would take the reaction,  "Not responding, script running to long", over indifference any day...

Now that is a clear message...

Verging

When your being starts to request quiet alone time...respect it...you are on the verge on a period of

concentration which frequently leads to deep learning...

The people that want you in their lives will be available when you are

When They were Alive...

A woman was describing the signs or messages she has received from her closest dead relatives....

I have not gotten any signs or messages ....We had our hands full with each other when they were
alive...

Narrow and Downward

I feel myself becoming like my family in subtle ways ....Similar to my oldest sister, I am becoming more amused by other people's behavior...she voices wry keen observations about the people she encounters on her path...that have stayed with me...

I am starting to narrow and point my nostrils downward duplicating my middle sister's habit...

Yet this takes the cake....I have become friendly with a man that camps in Colorado...My Mother

was friendly with a man that camps in Colorado...

Walrus

A woman and I were standing side by side. I asked her a question
and when she turned ...,, she had dental floss hanging from both sides
of her mouth ..,, she reminded me of a walrus.

As We Make It

Talking with a girlfriend, "don't you have a mad crush on nick"....She responded, "no, because I am
married"

Perhaps life is as uncomplicated or complicated as we make it

Carrots

A woman's horse had a bone crushing disease.  While the horse was being put "down", she fed him

carrots.

Marriage

Some people stay in marriages because they do not want to move

Lessen their Pain

A woman died in the prime of her life. I,would actively, feel bad for

her parents .....then I realized  my disposition will not diminish their pain 

Sugared Pasties

A recent convo:

Man: I am wearing pasties

Me: I said, PASTRY!

Compliment of the Highest Order

A man gave me a high compliment today.  He said: dialoguing with me was more entertaining then

visiting a friend in hospice...

I, do not, think I should take this lying down.  What do you think?

Attending the Party

A Republican was pointing to injustices that a Democrat has exhibited...When she was citing examples ...I was thinking of similar acts of behavior displayed by her leaders of her party

We may be more a like then different...

Less Calories,More Money

Whenever I start to crave  wasted calories ...I think of the wasted money in purchasing the food item...

Money better used  to be  put towards creating a memory or an account of Fuck You Money

Extremes

No matter the deepness of the heartbreak ... I can always turn to an area of life and feel
extremely lucky

Limitless Parenting

I met a father that lovingly posts and discusses his kids.   He oozes pride and spends one on one time with them. 

He shatters the theory, that raised me, that how are our parents are limited is (probably) a reflection on their  childhood emotional deprivations....

Today, the man, described to me, his parent's disownment of him....

His parent's limits made his parenting limitless

On Chill

"Soda is pure sugar...you need to "just" stop drinking that... People will explain to me with a patina of
never having had an addiction or a weight issue....

Depending on the looseness of my schedule or if I am sharing a car ride with them...I counter with a
patina of having the conviction that certain habits can be a part of our tissue...

I made a special trip to the market to collect soda...I placed it in the ice box...I craved and drank
ice water for days...yet knowing that the soda was available relaxed me...completely calmed me

Ending Nicely

I talked to a man for the first time ...he ended the convo the way I do...when I was younger I would have viewed that as a sign...

Now I view it as nice

Sharing Film Clips or Laughter

I will be having a routine day...going about my responsibilities....and then I will see a clip of a movie, my father and I shared or I will think of laughing with my mother...


The triggering of memories can trigger wet eyes...

Units of Movement

The less the processed the food is the more the eating  choices  become units of human movement....grapes...avocado...blueberries...super thin bagels....tomatoes ...munchkins (not doughnuts)

deprivation and feeling stuffed  or lethargic can be avoided at the same time

Healthy Choice

Does it defeat the purpose of selecting a healthy choice meal....when I add salt?

Mutual Contentment

There is a special feeling when the dog(s) I am  caring for are asleep for the night....watching them sleep....knowing they are calm....affirms  that I was not neglectful...appears to create a mutual feeling of contentment ..
My abundance of love for the animals I am trusted with ....can surprise me 

Blue

My status with Hilton Honors is Blue.....How did they know my emotional disposition

Step Back and Add People

It can be  important to step back from people that you speak to frequently and introduce new people

routinely..... 

It can be beneficial for your perspective

Fresh Foods and Olive Oil

I am learning how to cook.   Starting with the basics....olive oil  and fresh food...

there is something so satisfying in hearing the knife meeting the selected foods on a cutting board and

placing it in a steaming oil ....seasonings ...in a sauce pan...

Laying Tile

A man came to house to lay tile.  I wanted him  to lay more then tile...I kept offering him water to be hydrated for the event..

Act of Humanity

Last night, a woman informed me that her adult son gets depressed.....the minute I heard of this...I thought I should call...spearing him with   my uplifting  words and attention ...I mean it is an act of humanity...

This morning, I am absorbed with amusement by my arrogance

Eighty

I "ran" into a woman from my past.  She asked about me...I told her that I only remember people's positive behavior towards me and not the bad...which can set me up for further mistreatment...

(YOU KNOW TYPICAL SMALL TALK)

she responded on point: I still find it hard and I am 80

It gave me the gift of security for those moments when I 80everyone else has the hang of it

Indelicate

Arguing with my mother was my indelicate way of  negotiating space or boundaries

Watching

Whenever I spend a lot of time on entertainment sites...I am reminded of my mother's quote:

"You are watching other people live instead of living yourself"

Shameless

I made a mistake.  A man tried to reassure me.." you are fine...you are fine"

I feel to old to feel shame from a mistake.... only to learn from it...

Different Path

Whenever I start to feel glum about my path in life....not where I thought I would be... I have started to tell myself that I am not  on a worse path...

It is a different path

Mistress

I know a woman that is dating a married man.   She will smugly announce that she is ceasing connection then she will glibly announce traveling with him.

I recoil when the subject of the relationship arises ..I think of the wife..

Whenever I am peak judgment mode, I ask myself if the person mirrors my disliked behavior

I do not think I have had  a similar experience...

Really, the bottom line is, is that it is none of my affair..

Better Off

Whenever I feel sad about the departure of a person from my life...

• I am  myself "how am I better off?" 

"He is not in Love with You"

I had dinner with a man and a woman.  selected dinner companions for how interesting I viewed them...

It remained interesting and became amusing...

When the man left the table, the following convo happened:

Woman: He really loves you..

Me: Tell me everything...talk slowly...let get a pillow and curl up ...a bedtime story

Woman: He is not in love with you!

Then he came back to the table....If George W. Bush had her conviction, he would have found
the Weapons of Mass Destruction

Summer of Concentration

I have a distinct feeling that this summer will be a rich period of concentration.  There will be more awareness of how and who I spend my time with to avoid distraction ...be quieter.. I have hand picked specific behaviors that will be required to reduce in order to have the future more of how
I desire it..

This summer is the perfect time to do it..

Needed Changes

I feel very lucky most of the time.   Yet there are moments when my words come out course...and I fear that my propensity for anger or bitterness will take over...

Perhaps my concern is exactly what I need,  to make needed changes

We Could all use That

 I ran into a man from my past.  He sensed my self loathing.   Seeing him,yesterday, reminded me of how he spent a year telling me...each day..."there is nothing wrong with you"

We could all use that

Ransom Notes

Made a point to hit my local used book store....approaching the final chapters of  a book can strike fear in an insomniac's heart...

Dreaming of a cheap find in the clearance section fueled my steps upon entry of  the sentence recyclers...

Only to be halted by a man in the center of the section.... with a cart toppling with books

I could not help think he was purchasing the books to cut out letters for ransom notes

Dental Dam

I am in between sizes. I float in the larger size of pants and the smaller size could serve as a dental dam.

Enough! She Pleads

A friend is going through a break up.  When she calls I pecker her with questions...my solution to wanting to be engaged without putting words in her mouth....

In the middle of my third question about what was at the root of her anxiety...she makes it quite clear  I am at the root her anxiety...

ENOUGH WITH THE QUESTIONS! she pleads

Not Sharing

An associate informed me that most of the staff does not get my personality.  Funny, I did not believe
I had shared my personality with them  

Being Lead by Demons

A neighbor's angry words bled onto  the courtyard...I hear him shouting "ENOUGH!...I SAID END OF DISCUSSION" ...through a closed door..

He confirmed my theory that he is talking to himself...his answer included, "we are all lead around by demons"

Hey I totally understand having  demons...arguing with yourself and being on the verge of loosing the debate    is less clear

Karen Carpenter

I  attended dinner with a gay crush...my eye make up smudged during the course of the evening..

resulting in black circles under my eyes...I looked like Karen Carpenter near the end..

He beseeched me to get some sleep..

Word Gravy

A man described the ending of his marriage.  The reasons sloshed in a gravy
of " I thought she would  be this way"

I suggested it was more about his expectations then real life

When the Real Change Comes

Every waking minute, I wish I was a different person.  Consistently the same wish follows my stack of individual wishes to eradicate individual behaviors...a wish for me to be able let it all go....

for that is when the real   change comes

Accomplished Gift

A gift we can offer our friends is to  remind them of their accomplishments

NUT!

I was raised by a man that was loving to me in private and mocked me in public.

When a male friend was telling me what was good about me in private and calling me a "nut"
in public ...I immediately sensed  a familial pattern..

I asked him  to stop....then released my dislike of it...for he was not like the man from my past

because he became loving of me in both private and public..

Man-Made

I had dinner with a woman.  She asked about a former class-mate...

Me: He started a firm....he is completely man-made

Woman: as opposed to what?

Me: meant self-made

Inprisoned

My goal is to stop feeling inprisoned by certain mistakes or memories

Indication

How a person breaks up with you may reinforce why
the person is not right for you

Dry Walling

I met a man.  He described, in great detail, his complete overhaul of his one hundred year old home.

He rewired...replumbed...stripped the wood floors.....repainted.... the only thing he was unable to

do.... was dry- wall


when he become flirty and suggested hanky panky....I responded that I could not be attracted to a man that was unable to dry wall properly...

Filling Our Worth

I tend to speak like a fortune cookie. The latest  slip of paper that has  rolled from my tongue is "fill your worth"

Serve your intelligence, be open to every opportunity, do not be distracted by  the reaction of the

peanut gallery

Everyday we can become better at being who we are.... refining our best parts..

"Living in the Moment"

A gay crush and I shared dinner...while we delected in our culinary selections, the man enquired about people that had a role in my distant past.

We concluded the evening by driving through a neighborhood,  where we, used, to reside..

His good night greeting was to "live in the moment"

Her Declaration

A woman announced that she did not want negativity spread.  After her declaration, every word that came out of her mouth was negative. 

Perhaps she was talking to herself..

Restless

I am feeling a bit restless.  A thought has given me hope.  The newly hatched idea is to drum up memories when I was content.

Then hand pick the habits that made me feel stable and secure and return to the selected behaviors

Rag Trade

I  work in a clothing store.  I requested a change in behavior from a co-worker.  She started her

response with  "in fair warning"...

It is the rag trade ...not the game of war..

Asshole

I do not think I even like him. He is probably an asshole.

I wish he would call or text me

Not What She Bargained

My mother and I attended a metaphysics church. A tenet of metaphysics is that we choose our parents
as we enter our new life. I was always fuzzy on this tenet. I feel I was not the offspring my mother bargained for... I, appear, to be the only person among generations to be learning disabled... have a space between my teeth and have an intense relationship with food...

I admired and envied my mother... I do not know what she thought of me.

I, do know, we had both exceptional moments and vicious moments.

I also know we did not know  better routes of communication when we most needed
them

Life's Work

Most days, I feel like my life's work is clearing up my emotional messiness

Asking Myself

My co-workers exhibit bizarrely bad social behavior.... and I do not  say that lightly...I will start to feel really bad about it....then I proceed to ask myself...

Is this going to affect the trajectory of my life's course?   Will this situation or person matter to me

in a year's time?

Asking myself the questions usually keeps me off the ledge

Living Rent Free

I am training myself to evaluate my need to  the information prior to asking a question.

The  given information could ,easily, distract me by  living rent free in my in my memory

Paw to Hand

When my best gal pal and I discuss boys.   I close with desiring my main goal of holding a man's hand...particularly while walking or sharing a couch...

A beautifully ideal canine companion has started to offer her paw...while we share a leather couch ....while standing with her, she firmly places her paw on my foot...

It felt so good....I felt like an okay person...all my anxieties melted away..

My Best Friend

I am rarely as healed as by the companionship of a dog

A "Non-Event"

A friend's mother and I were discussing an awkward convo I had with a semi-stranger....her final

instruction was to "consider the convo as a non-event"

I will use her instruction for the rest of my life

Loving the Classics

Standing in my local grocery, I flashed on the amount of time I may have left.


"How Do I Want To Be During My Remaining Time?

My thoughts ,followed the question ,  consumed with an inventory of habits I could stop ... That could only contribute to polishing a better self ...

eating different foods, spending less money, only spending time with people I truly like

You  know, the classics ... I always loved the classics

Rushed Realizaion

Endings can be the best thing for me.   The prayer of distraction drives me to grapple to say yes to every offered experience.

Inviting people, who had previously intimidated me, for a meal.  Looking back on the period that followed one of the biggest endings of my life rushed the realization that it was one of  the richest

Touched Deeply

Sitting, alone, in a gay bar playing bingo. A man caught my attention from the moment I entered the bar .... he retained my attention by how he reacted  to his boyfriend

They  held each other ... when one was missing the fingerprints remained
by the sparkle from his eyes to his chin ...

They physical unity defined love and  acceptance

It touched me deeply

Silent Movie

I was checking the times of flicks at the local cinema.  One of the picture show being offered was entitled "The Quiet Ones"

I asked if it was a silent movie

"Compare and Despair"

I trained an associate today.   The most important part of the training was to tell her not to engage
with "compare and despair" with other associate's seeming faster progress on a shared task.....

Doing your best can be supreme over certain job results...

I wish a person had said that to me when I was in my twenties

A Part of Me

When less then ideal people are a part of my life...they confirm their position with a highest form of disrespect
Certain friends react   by presenting the disrespect as evidence of my need to create better boundaries

I rarely hold on people's mistreatment of me because their best parts remain a part of me

"What are you Doing Now"?

.
I engage in friendships that compose of  nearly hourly phone calls.....convos are started with

"what are you doing now"? instead of hello

firstly the form of friendship seduced me...then I realized that it reinforced  one of my qualities most
worthy of eradicating...a reporting of mundane activities

The behavior also embodies  a blind functioning that promotes more expected reactions

then immediate instinctive responses

Duet with Natalie Cole

I will be drawn to a specific type of man...he has a dry wit.... such a dry manner that he could perform
a duet with Natalie Cole...uniquely keen observations...an affirming perspective..

Women will quickly classify my thoughts of the discussed man as sexual...

I beg to differ for I desire to opt out of a sexual dialogue....in favor of  the joy of amusement

from an intellectual one

Love Forms

People are forms of love

Cracked Like a Walnut

At given moment of the day, I would call a particular person seeking answers on subjects ranging

Jackson Pollack to patterns on my water bill

Explaining to a girl that I call people with questions when I should turn to Google.

She cracked me like a walnut....suggesting that I want the human contact with the answer

I.DO, want a sense of partnership while increasing knowledge

Starting

To accomplish our goals ..we have to start the process

"My New York Friend"

I tend to glorify my past. At any given moment demanding to return ...

My "New York friend" delivered me a needed voicemail ...

Her words were " we are not returning to the past, we gotta keep moving"

Inspired by Words

I interacted with a father that lost his daughter.  It was a recent loss... barely a year has gone by..

He told me with a glowing smile:

There is always something to look forward to....take in the positive moments

Elevators

Whenever I am alone with a man in an elevator , I mentally ask " what do you find sexy"?

Consoled not Taught

A woman was discussing her room-mate's boy troubles.  When the chosen man disrespects her friend..

The woman routinely reinforces her roomie's role in her hurt by reminding her that she made  a
poor male selection

Sometimes we want to be consoled more then being taught

Hidden Agendas

A woman and I  have exchanged emotionally intimate convos for over a year.  We openly discussed the changes in our lives.


She, recently, evaluated our past convos..that I attached an agenda to most of my words submitted to

her ..I found this  extraordinary

How exhausting it must be for a person to actively attach multiple meanings to a person's words

Seeing Him Again

I have to share this with you because I find it so funny...

Standing in line with a man that spurned me ...he is still diggable..a human version of easy company

I order macaroni and cheese with tomato in such a feelingly beseeching way that comes out as an

utterance....

He probably ordered the most healthy thing on the menu...a fruit vegetable smoothie ..hold the
yogurt..

The muttering of my order was a perfect illustration of Rebecca not talking to him was not

Upkeep

The upkeep of maintaining shame can be to demanding

My Claw

I relayed a story to a man.  Framing the story with one of  my  usual phrases, "stuck in my claw"

He suggested, I clean out my claw

Exploring

I spent the afternoon walking in a fresh urban area.  It fueled my spirit discovering bucolic winsome
courtyards and independent healthy restaurants

The best part of  walking weather is the exploring that can be done

Sitting in a Therapist's Office

I was in my thirties sitting on a therapist's couch... I spoke with rigidity of all I could not
do... humanly defining a life of coming from NO... I was drowning in my self inflicted fat

My life started to require me to say  YES more often then NO

My fat  started  to naturally fall away ... I have evolved more in the last
five years then any other period of my life

Catch Phrase

It is not late for creating the future you want ... What you do now is the first step

Who I Am

People not reacting to my weight loss may care more about who I am then
what I look like

Poor Investment

A relative announced that he has spent a large portion of his time hating me.

That certainly seems like a poor investment

My Parents

The less my parents are in my life the more I am becoming like them.

I use most of my mother's phrases... particularly the unique ones that amuse
listeners..... assuming the attitude that "less is more"  is my father's inheritance

I remember my parents for their successes .., not their mistreatment

80%

A woman informed me of her lightbulb moment. She  was starting to get that 80% of her concentration will fully accomplish particular tasks instead of a 100%

Cooperation

When asked my political party membership, I answered that it was more about
cooperation among the parties then party affiliation

Rebecca Whisperer

I met a man. He is the Rebecca Whisperer . A nearly perfect communication match. He displays the
qualities I most desired from my parents.

The man is not the ideal love or friendship match.

Another time I would question meeting him... Now I am grateful for
what I learned from him

Ripple of Change

Seeking a new eating life,  I attended Over-Eaters Anonymous
meetings.  Whenever it was my time to share, I would cry so hard .... the meetings
would come to a complete stop....,

It reinforced my feeling of being hopelessly trapped... Looking back
maybe it was a ripple of change

Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz said in an interview:

I leave all my doors open because you never
know what will come in

The One Armed Man

Standing in a grocery check out line, I hear a cashier greet a customer.

He loudly responded, " things could be worse"

I turned to look at him.... I saw he had one arm

Well Hung

I work in a department store. A man emerged from a fitting room with pants
properly pinched by the hanger..,

When he handed me the garment, I reacted:

"Well hung" .... "The pants"

 attempting damage control

Positive Suggestion

When I report received "big" compliments to my mother's friend.... She will suggest that I
think of the positive words whenever I am feeling low

Soul Reaction

When you exhale.... strip your words of anxiety... and let your knowledge be the
soul of your reactions.. You may be surprised at how much you know

Sexual Drought

A man and woman live together.  His kicking in his sleep sent her to a spare bedroom.  The new sleeping

pattern put a stop to their sex life.  A  sexual drought was upon them...they both seemed stuck and not

quite sure how to ignite the fire.

It was suggested that they lay together at end of the night or at the beginning each day....

Rain is falling

Beautiful Disaster

When I told a dear one that I was a disaster at work.  She burst out laughing and said:

"A beautiful disaster"

Written Love

Today, I heard how a particular man fell in love with a particular woman.

While his father was dying, she texted the friend of a friend... A man she saw at parties... The community chain informed her what he was enduring ...

Her messages were a lighthouse in the uncharted sea of loosing a parent ... Just as his father stays with him... So does her written love

Seemingly Overnight

When a person is both dreamy and abusive to me,  the dreaminess was my focus and the abuse was

forgotten.

I,always, had a reason for cancelling out their abuse.  A change has occurred..seemingly overnight

Abuse is making the bigger impression then the dreaminess..

Turning to God

I was buying clothes for a trip.  Nearly nothing fit me... barely finding a handful of fashion threads

While in route, my button popped off my pants.... I felt hopeless.... I was terrified I would not be able

to stop eating and only get bigger

While walking through-out my visiting city, I stopped in every church I saw

Sitting in the pews across London, I turned to God ...


"I am out of control...I have to loose weight.... I need your help"

My eating habits gradually changed five years later....

Who do I Call ?

There is  a man that I  (used) to call when I was sad or  had a big issue to  process.., he was comforting with a keen observation.

He has rejected me .., now who do I call for consoling?

Exhausting

It is exhausting  to  overthink.... operate with self doubt
to  explain ....to be defensive

What are we not accomplishing while we are depleting ourselves ?

Window Shopping

I can see my past mistakes in my mind's eye like a person can window shop.   Each window  is a different memory... a  scene I wish I could do over...

I used to linger at each window...stare... wallow in each self defeating detail..

My steps have started to gain speed on the sidewalk foundation of the multiple displays of
my earned lessons ..

Life is created while you are moving not standing still

Sadist

I thought about wishing a man , that rejected me, ..,if u can believe that.., a Happy Easter ...

I must be a sadist

Freak Flag

My freak flag is flying at half mast

Broken Friend

A friend was describing her break up with her boyfriend. While I was listening, to her, I became more  
anxious with each of her details....

Because I knew I would not get an opportunity to talk about herself

Starting to Get It

I used spend time with people that disrespected me because I did not want to
be angry and unforgiving.

I am starting to realize I can remove the anger without setting myself to
be further mistreated by continuing to seek their company

A Corner of Peace

I saw a homeless woman sitting on a bench. Her blackened hands holding a music playing transistor radio.., it did not feel pitiful it felt like she found a corner of peace

Writing on the Wall

All my walls had writing on them. I did not act on the warnings. My life is fringed with the reality of not responding in a quicker fashion.

Learn from me... If a relationship or a dynamic starts to show u small negative results do not wait for
for a big (potential) negative result .., a blow up .., a degrading  rejection

Best Daily Decision

Fighting the urge to stay inside by stepping out through the front door  is my best daily decision.

Stepping into the outer world proves to be the most effective way for me to step outside my self.

Random convos and opportunities can divert my focus and change my perspective in minutes

Long Term Ejection

Sarcasm is my second language. I was discussing the weeding of people from my social shrub with a man.
I proposed that my lack of anger may prevent my long term ejection of people that mistreat me.

He  responded that sarcasm was a form of anger

I Miss Him

I miss him. He respresents a part of my life that I long for on certain days of my life.

I wish I had more appreciation of our time together while it was happening

Our talks were finite...our lives radically changed ..his by choice..mine was
ripped a part by satan's wisk

While his presence is gone, his teachings remain

Grand Plans

I have a relative that presents grand plans.  I will ask to meet her for a bite
and her response is to offer to create an edible feast.

Ultimately, she does not follow through on the culinary presentation or meeting me for a bite of albacore tuna

I used wonder, why the overthink... Now I wonder perhaps it is how she would like to be...

Soon I may stop wondering

Crystal Clear

A social behavior exhibited among "friends" has become crystal clear. It is a form
of negative reinforcement .... a declaring of me being wrong...  on a range of
of both objective and subjective acts

labeling me wrong for going to an interview.., assuming I am to blame whenever I do not connect
with a person . ... a general mocking of my behavior

Misplaced?

A man positive reinforced my weight loss. I was resistant because I felt his complements for my exterior being were out of balance with his reinforcement of my eternal being

I would have danced with delight if he would have been talking about my talents or personality traits

Being a Teen Ager

A woman describing her teen aged daughter brought me back to being one.

I wanted then what I want now, an acknowledgement of my feelings without needing a commitment

to change their behavior

Who is thinking of You?

People are thinking of us more often then we know.,..

Two examples:

A woman friend informed me ( with sincere surprise) that a male friend keeps a picture of  her on his
computer

A man informed me he listens to my phone messages multiple times ...

More people then you realize are sending u good thoughts

First Gut Response

For work:

I took a series of tests today. Whenever I did not follow my first gut response
I got the answer wrong

Something for me to think about for my tests outside the office

Less is Less

I am learning that when I remove my feeling of shame when engaging in my
"bad" habits... the less I engage in them

"Blank"

A friend routinely informs me what she (thinks) she does wrong.

I suggested she say to herself:  I did "blank" right today..,

Gradual Peeling

My gradual weight loss is peeling the layers off my feelings.

Motel 6

I stayed at Motel 6.  Their night light was a laser light.

Day to Life

Small daily decisions sets a life in specific directions

Coming Back From Breakfast

Coming back from breakfast... While riding in the car, a male friend asked
me an extraordinarily simple question, "how do you like to be complimented"?

Simple questions can open up the communication in our relationships which may
lead to spreading more peace and civility throughout the world one relationship at a time

In The Morning

I had a bad feeling about the following evening's plans. I almost canceled.

Going against my inner voice, I went out with friends.  It was a disaster!

The evening ended fighting with a girlfriend .. I think differently of her

Escape Hatch

My cultivating influences repeatedly informed me that my point of view was false.
It prevented the creation of a foundation in having any faith in any of my organic  reactions.
My core reaction was to  "run " my reactions to a key person in my life.., I wanted to verify if
I should feel hurt.

My awareness is creating an escape hatch from a wasteful way of life

Our Choice

 Co-journey partners and I discuss why we drink..  to sleep, to be more creative, to be more patient parents ..  bravery.. to numb pain..

Whatever the reason it is our choice to drink just as it others to be sober

Triggered

I become haunted when memories of mistreatment (of me) are triggered because I let it happen. And I fear I have not changed and will continue to let it happen.

Erasing Shame

When I reveal my eating habits or my weight loss it is to erase my shame ...., Not to elicit advice
People's habits are a very personal way for the habit holder's to navigate life

Emotional Answer

When a certain female describes a man as her emotional answer. I get physically tense because I am flooded with thoughts of the unavailable man that I view as my emotional answer

Deaf Bus Rider

A man informed me that he was deaf. I reacted by whispering my apologies.

Size

When in doubt, I take the smaller size choice.

Ice Cream Scooper

I have been tasked with dispensing my mum's ashes among her loved ones. A friend asked: what are you going to use? An ice cream scooper?

One vs Many

I must remember that one person's negative opinion of me does not represent a larger portion of society

For You

It is not about having a companion. It is about having the right companion (for you)

Shanks

• I had dinner with relatives. The atmosphere  was less then welcoming. The table was set with shanks.

Chronic Pain

I am learning that a high percentage of people in my routine communication have chronic physical pain. I have a new perspective on their behavior. Drinking to numb pain ..less reliable.. distracted

Anew

Each day is an opportunity to start anew ... to work towards your desired future

Asleep Feet

A sign of eating to much is when your feet fall asleep during a meal

Eating the Future

I run the risk of eating up my future by replaying my past mistakes.... regretting .. ... reliving embarrassment

Filling Wishes

When the Universe fulfills my wishes, I will, sometimes, learn it is not the best emotional fit.

Daily Pledge

Everyday, I must make a daily pledge not to engage in self defeating behaviors.

Be Around It

Spending time with people that display the qualities you want can be an effective way to display them too

Calling Domino's

I was starving. I called Domino's...like I was calling 911 after being stabbed..

Merry Go Round

I can get stuck on a merry go round of thinking about wasted time or opportunities. Then I realized Regretting wastes my time twice.

Strange Forties

A stranger and I erupted into a convo about being in our forties. I introduced the topic by declaring I was born at forty. She responded by informing me that she came alive at forty.

Herself / Myself

I was feeling unsettled and angry. For distraction, I returned a woman's call. She was upset, I consoled her with Reassurance. My words were calming for both of us.

Beauty Secret

A person is at their most attractive When they are believing in themselves

Being Ready

Releasing people... habits...things is about being ready..it happens naturally when you are

Madness

I engage in a form of madness. I associate with people that display dis-respect towards me and expect a different form of treatment. There is a part of me that wants to maintain feeling a wee bit like a fool to prevent going less mad...

Cross Purposes

I wonder if I am operating at cross purposes. Daily I think to cry would be a much needed release... the kind that makes the body tremble... I will sit alone in a quiet room and yet my eyes remain dry... I view it as constipated tears Every time I put something in my mouth, I ask myself, "Is this stopping the tears...Is this preventing a healing"?

Stuffing Her Feelings

Today, A drug user told me that she does not stuff her feelings. She addresses them head on...

Keeping it Zipped

I have stumbled upon a new problem. I am forgetting... or I am gaining weight..to zip my zipper.. This week, I have looked down, in both private and public, to discover my pants unzipped.. May this not happen in a job interview....

Dream Bigger

Does this happen to you? When my fantasy or dream comes true..I react by seeking a bigger dream..one more matching of my talents.. I will tell myself: " It is now time to dream a bigger dream" do something that I did not think I could do and then "DO IT"

To Keep Moving

A friend asked me my reaction to a crossroads I was facing... I reacted: TO KEEP MOVING

"Compare and Despair"

I was engaging in "compare and despair" about a woman with a man. The man responded by listing my accomplishments. It was a long-lasting gift he gave me and that we can give each other ..

Accumilating Weight Loss

I have been gradually loosing weight over a five year period. The less my food choices are rooted in feelings of shame and deprivation the more successful I have been in accumilating weight loss.

Proper Digestion

Questions can be more effective then advice. When I mentioned talking to a friend to another friend...He asked me, "Is he good for you"? The question has come back to me during the days since the dinner..a broad brush about poor friend selection would have felt a tad bit smothering and would not have been digested in the same way

A New Line

A man rejected me. He did not care for my looks. I got word that he feels "like hell about it" A part of me has wanted to console him..wanting to give him the emotional sav of laughing through his grief over loosing me..his idea or not..he is sad I have a new line for my list of self improvements

"So What"?

I tend to bogged down in my thoughts and other's..I am learning to ask myself "so what" when other people's thoughts take over mine

Being in the Golden Light Tomorrow

There are days when I want to lay down. I will get bad news. Challenges being thrown in my path..not always knowing where to to walk... Particular people will create obstacles for no clear reason... Even though, my trail may have weeds..broken glass..and slush..I have to keep going. I have to keep trying now routes and seeking new life maps. Because being in the slush today does not mean I will not be in the golden light tomorrow

Stomach

I was standing in front a male friend's car door. When leaving me to walk to the driver's side, he gently touched my stomach. My whole life I was told that my stomach was what was wrong with me. His slight caress was one of the more healing experiences of my life.

His Mistress

I found out that a high school friend died. He engaged in a fuller love story with alcohol in his forties. His mistress took him before his fiftieth birthday. I feel sad that that was who he turned to during his free moments..perhaps more so during the quietest moments before bed.. He gave me such joy..

Everything that I Needed

I used to spend time with a married couple. The wife would make biting remarks to the husband..my eternal anxiety would spike.. The man would wink at me..I took that to mean ..her words are not hurting me..I would calm down..he gave me everything that I needed in that moment..

Who is in Control?

I got a report of a woman going through a divorce. She was tired of being scared of him..tired of feeling uncomfortable..tired of feeling constricted.. The marriage was funded by her money..I always thought the person with the money was the one in control.. perhaps the person in control is the one that takes it..

It was Strange

It was strange. A man calls me though-out the week. I do not take his calls more often then I do.. He called..Being to drowsy to do anything more constructive then remove lint from my coat I returned his call..we had our usual convo..and ended the call almost singularly.. Upon completion of his departure greeting..I felt really sad..my mind flooded with the desire to have a cocktail and a cigarette.. I turned to you-tube instead..

Philip Seymour Hoffman

I read that Philip Seymour Hofffman told his drug dealer...I do not want to do this anymore ..I want to kick this..I hate coming here.. I have thought that way regarding my behaviors and people ..in all areas of my life..

Who to Listen To?

When unsure who to listen to..Listen to yourself..

Spoiler Alert

People and I discuss the status of friendships..friends that seem to have removed themselves..a missing of them I have experienced friends from my past returning to my present at unexpected times..Frequently when I have released them with well wishes..they will come back Our stories have not been written ...our endings are a SPOILER ALERT

Holding the Door Open

I asked a woman how she met her husband. She revealed that they attended graduate school on the same campus..whenever he saw her he would hold the door open for her. It made an impression..the kindest gestures can change a life in all areas

Pulling Themselves Out

My father punctuated his work weeks with a demand for a "quiet House". My parents frequently used quiet as a tool for transitioning from work life to home life. Men tease me about my queries about their need for "quiet time" Having the concept of silence as part of my blueprint, has brought me to the realization that the homeless do not get a lot of quiet alone time to assemble their thoughts. Outside the homeless are confronted with the noises of buses, leaf blowers and heels of women's shoes..Inside may embody the sounds of brooms hitting dustpans, music from headphones and CHATTER If the people with professional security and knowledge of where their pillow is demand quiet to gain peace to take on the following day's challenges What about the people that need to pull themselves out of the biggest dark hole of their lives?