Kate Winslet

When people ask me about my college years, I am usually stymied.   Describing my vision, as student, for following college is frequently a thorny proposal  

Kate Winslet has said it for me,  I was fat....I did not see myself as having a place in the world....



vanity fair interview

In My Face

I was, always, dismissive  of guys that wore  their jeans low....with most of their boxers in full view...or as I thought of it...in my face..

Then I met a guy... purely by accident...that wore his jeans with his red plaid boxers in my face...

We took the same college classes.  He was deep and very articulate.   His humor was, also, advanced.

In general, the man exhibited a dear disposition.   My meeting him has been a reinforcement of not judging a person by their cover

Sixth Grade

During my sixth grade year, a therapist informed my mother that I suppress

thoughts and it could cause me harm.

My Father's sister reacted: "What could u be possibly suppressing"?

Vertical Stripes

Working in retail can put you face to face with questionable decisions...a particularly curious one is

large people buying clothes featuring vertical stripes...

In the Last Six Months

When I have been, the last six months, truly myself...did not overthink.. I got a job, passed advancement tests ... was asked out...and succeeded during an open mic night

I must remember this and not overthink it..

Ever

I am experiencing male attention for the first time....EVER...I would take almost every offer....thinking it may be the first and last time the proposal was given...

A morning this week, I decided I would start to say no.. because  feeling iffy was a potential result

of saying  yes...

weirdly, that night I got an offer, I said no because I do not need more self doubt...

Oral Optics

I wore my glasses while engaging in oral....which upon reflection could have appeared to be insulting

Hand picked

I hand pick people to be my cautionary tales.

Do Unto Myself

I must learn to stop doing things to advance others until I have done everything I can to advance myself.

I desired to get people together now I desire to get myself together

Grit

Feeling fortunate to be free of most physical limitations ...I offered to clean a welfare's mother's dishes...I nervously entered her apartment...she assured me that she had soap and no bugs...

I washed a portion of her dishes...my hands shook as they glided the sponge across the plates and in the glasses...

I ask myself if  it was a fear  of being like her....nurturing grit could be the answer for prevention

Hard Candy

A man, in his thirties, asked me to spend time with him.   The width of our age gap prompted me to want to offer him a hard candy

One

Having one less self defeating thought, exhibiting one less self defeating behavior,  taking one moment to assume the position of worthiness is a ripple of change

Chinese Food

A man asked me out for Chinese food. I asked him: which restaurant....

Self-Proposing

Thinking about the behaviors I want to eradicate has caused  me to self-propose...

selecting one day a week when I do not engage in that behavior....

The Music of Verbal Quickness

A man asked me if I ever, get over the top,  bubbly....I was outwardly coy...inside I was stymied ...thinking it was strange I could not give myself an example of a time that I was bubbly...

Could this be a matter of syntax?...getting older has increased my experiencing the joy of dancing in the music of the verbal quickness of others...

More Choices...

One of the variations  of the economics of weight loss is more price choices in your size...more stores
carry your size.... more access to clearance or sale racks.. particularly when needing an outfit

for an interview in a snap

Between Pot Stickers?

Why does my local Chinese restaurant put their T.V on the Univision channel?

Their employees are Asian ...are they striving to learn Spanish between pot stickers?

Grateful Dead

I have been thinking  of  certain lyrics from the song, "Truckin" by the "Grateful Dead"

"they can not revoke your soul for tryin" ....."you do not know the value of your hand til

you lay it down"

Even though the song oils my motivation, it still leaves me with the question, who is the

"doodah man"?

Into Chicks

Whenever I am flirting via text and the guy thinks I am into chicks ...I think...could I be ...not quite pulling  this off..

an error in my delivery

KITCHEN SESSIONS

I was complaining to a friend's mother....I sent Molly and Avi about six emails regarding my timeline

for visiting them....then when I visit them...they act like I never informed  them of any details of my trip...

She suggested that if I contact people less then people would listen to me more...

I ask to meet with her every week...I refer to them as the


 KITCHEN  SESSIONS

Not the Marrying Kind

People ask me why I have not married.   I was not meant to be married because I knew more of the qualities I was afraid to have in a spouse...then what I did want

One was not the Group

A manager expressed a lack of faith in my ability to perform a certain task.   I overstated my plan of action to another manager...

Making the mistake of believing that one believed as the group did

Warning Shot

Whenever I put written words in the post....I feel compelled to call the person to notify them that

a note has been directed  in their geographical direction  ....a warning shot if you will...part of my oddness

When my Eyes Open

Certain mornings, I wake up themed with the narrative of a memory of my bad public behavior or a being screamed at by a person from my past....

The memories are like blunt instruments.  I will not be aware of what will trigger it...the consumption begins when my eyes open...

All I can is keep moving....be out in the world...go to a movie...go to a library...engage in positive self

behavior...

Her Process

I was studying a woman's process.   She was preparing herself for the following day's work.

I was in awe of her effective and methodical movement.  She concluding her exhibit by informing me...in the beginning...she did not know if she knew if she could be a success in her job that is more like a lifestyle...


Reminding me I was seeing her mid-relationship with her process

Blown and Expanded

A man sent me a text....I thought the cryptic message could only mean one thing...He was seeking space...

Of course it displayed only one meaning because it was me who received it....the man was the rest of the world..

I reported the text to a woman and she asked if I sought or confirmed the meaning of the message

because before I do that I really do not know what the guy meant....

my mind was blown and expanded

Mary Jane

A man was complaining of not having money for food.  He acted with a diminished worth because he was vacant of a road map on how to emerge from his circumstances of less.

I gave him an assignment with an assigned fee....He completed the task....He lit up when describing his process...prideful in his result

He spent half of his proceeds on "Mary-jane"....Who doesn't want an escape?

Sealed and Delivered

I fearfully anticipate craving and will nervously buy something salty or sweet...Then once certain periods of the evening have floated by and I rediscover the Pringles or cookies in my bag..

I give them to my neighbor....sealed and delivered...I am halfway there...

Relearning

A man was struggling with balancing while being assisted by a cane.  He stopped to let me pass him.

I motion for him to exceed me in space...I took the minute to be grateful that I have not had to relearn

to walk

Moving Walkways

Do you use the moving walkways at airports?   The moving walkway that has glided though my life
has contained a range in the amount and the quality of person.

My ability to show the passengers that cultivated my self doubt and were not clear on my value

the gate to other social lands has been less then polished.

I feel that when they have rejected me...the universe has given me a gift...realizations of the universe may arrive faster then mine

Pick and Choose

Standing against a fridge.... across from a woman positioned in front of a butcher block
she dispensed advice with the same precision as she cut broccoli and mushrooms ....

The emotional nutrition she gave me was : PICK AND CHOOSE

Who and what is worthy of my focus

Ponderosa Market

I am sharing a porch and a different....new town with two sisters... I interrupt their chamber of commerce quality  news conference with the urgent question:

Where do I go for nervous eating?

They did not miss a beat .... No facial expression of judgment

"Ponderosa market ... It closes at 10pm"

These are the people I need to have in my life

Even More

I reconnected with a woman. Welcoming her questions about me... offering to schedule additional periods to be available to talk about myself....

Could I be even more self absorbed then I profess to be....

Blind Eye

I have reunited with the daughter of the eye doctor that performed an eye surgery on my dad.

He had a detached retina and it was the first major surgery during my relationship with him

I always thought it was a perfect cause because he frequently turned a blind eye

Pink Envelopes

Within days of my first days of being a college freshman .., my father dispensed his significant exiting advice:

When the envelopes for utility bills change color .., like pink . ...that is the time
to pay them..,, to prevent disconnection

I love my Dad

Spiritless

Laying in bed...feeling spiritless...wondering what my next step would be....how to take the decided step...then I thought of  a caged bird singing...

thinking of that gave me a belief that  my spirit could rebuild

Morning,Noon and Night

I communicate and laugh with a married man.   I have moments when I think of how lucky his wife is ....to have more access to his brain....he dances in verbal quickness

 easy for me to think...I do not have to share a check register with him...I do not have to experience his moodiness...or hear the same stories...remind him repeatedly to do a task..

I am in it for a few minutes each day...she is in it morning noon and night

Preemptive Strike

There is a man I talk to and  surrendered my unconsumed  calories almost daily. 

Out of the blue...there was no flirting from me to swat... He announced that "while he had no sexual interest in me, he always looks forward to the  intellectual stimulation generated by my words"

The fact that he felt compelled to target a preemptive strike confirms that the confusion is only with
him

Grateful Query

I will call people and report a behavior of a person that crossed my path.   It is usually some behavior that means nothing in the formulation of my life's goals....

Just at the point when I am asking the listener, "why do you think that person  refused to go to the shorter line" or "she does not even know  that she is engaging in a specific pattern of male selection"

The listener will pointedly ask, "why are we talking about this"

and I will always  be grateful for the query

Thirteen Dollars

A hungry man put 13 dollars worth of groceries on the conveyor belt.
His card was declined . When describing his anger swished with mortification ..   He concluded,
then she has to put the food back (on the shelves)

I thought why didn't he restock the food

Pebbles and Bricks

An unemployed neighbor and I  share  our minutes at the day's end.  I suggested that he use this time to write what kind of future he wants and how did his  being react before a  negative experience....

what was the pebble before the brick wall?


Then I thought I should be the one journaling....for doling out unsolicited advice

Pumpkin Smashing

During the fetal stages of my comedic performing, more experienced bookers declared I would only
connect with white people of a certain income level. 

My delivery was an acquired taste.  I have been smashing that profiled expectation, this past year, like a pumpkin after Halloween

I have been killing with black men ages 18 years to 30 Years..

When people describe your limitations ..DO NOT EVER LISTEN.... Do your own research .

Sneeze Guard

I was designing a salad in a soup/salad culinary establishment.   Only a sneeze guard came between the girl and me.  

The body of her questions were correct predictions of my preferred toppings and dressing...

Was she reading my lettuce leaves?

Distorted Image

I work in a department store.  My days are spent seeing how women see their bodies...talk about distorted body image...

I have to fight not to ask: "Do you really think you can pull that off" ..."and in that size"

Computer Date

There are moments when I wish certain men would communicate with me like my computer

I would take the reaction,  "Not responding, script running to long", over indifference any day...

Now that is a clear message...

Verging

When your being starts to request quiet alone time...respect it...you are on the verge on a period of

concentration which frequently leads to deep learning...

The people that want you in their lives will be available when you are

When They were Alive...

A woman was describing the signs or messages she has received from her closest dead relatives....

I have not gotten any signs or messages ....We had our hands full with each other when they were
alive...

Narrow and Downward

I feel myself becoming like my family in subtle ways ....Similar to my oldest sister, I am becoming more amused by other people's behavior...she voices wry keen observations about the people she encounters on her path...that have stayed with me...

I am starting to narrow and point my nostrils downward duplicating my middle sister's habit...

Yet this takes the cake....I have become friendly with a man that camps in Colorado...My Mother

was friendly with a man that camps in Colorado...

Walrus

A woman and I were standing side by side. I asked her a question
and when she turned ...,, she had dental floss hanging from both sides
of her mouth ..,, she reminded me of a walrus.

As We Make It

Talking with a girlfriend, "don't you have a mad crush on nick"....She responded, "no, because I am
married"

Perhaps life is as uncomplicated or complicated as we make it

Carrots

A woman's horse had a bone crushing disease.  While the horse was being put "down", she fed him

carrots.

Marriage

Some people stay in marriages because they do not want to move

Lessen their Pain

A woman died in the prime of her life. I,would actively, feel bad for

her parents .....then I realized  my disposition will not diminish their pain 

Sugared Pasties

A recent convo:

Man: I am wearing pasties

Me: I said, PASTRY!

Compliment of the Highest Order

A man gave me a high compliment today.  He said: dialoguing with me was more entertaining then

visiting a friend in hospice...

I, do not, think I should take this lying down.  What do you think?

Attending the Party

A Republican was pointing to injustices that a Democrat has exhibited...When she was citing examples ...I was thinking of similar acts of behavior displayed by her leaders of her party

We may be more a like then different...

Less Calories,More Money

Whenever I start to crave  wasted calories ...I think of the wasted money in purchasing the food item...

Money better used  to be  put towards creating a memory or an account of Fuck You Money

Extremes

No matter the deepness of the heartbreak ... I can always turn to an area of life and feel
extremely lucky