Panting

A man invited me back to his pad..a three floor walk..I might add..as we arrive on the third landing I asked him to go ahead of me..while he was unlocked his door.. I panted..and not for him ..I might add..

Tasteless

My needed to have..would like 26 miles uphill in 40 below weather..comfort foods do not satisfy me anymore. Many times they do not have any taste.. This could a natural breaking free of some of the habits that harm me

Quartet of Girls

A quartet of girls sat on the opposite side ..from me..on the subway.. They chatted up their proposed flick for that night's viewing and the cost of lottery tickets. The quieter girl of the pack confessed to the girl closest to her,: "I do not like going to movies" No verbal response was given in reaction to her words..

"Should not have had Sex"

I used to be in frequent contact with a man. We had sex. Our schedules changed and our phone tag increased. A girlfriend observed, "You should not have had sex with him...that is why you are two are not talking as much"... Ah, by the way,..I do not need to have sex with a man for him to reject me..it can happen all on it's own..

Swig

I was partnered with a vodka ingesting..straight from the bottle..train passenger..we were sitting next to each other.. He began to talk to me. I sincerely responded and wished him wellness. He told me he could do without the sarcasm..I told him to take another swig..

Shoe laces

I have officially become old. A girl was walking in front of me. Her shoe lace was untied. It took all I had not to ask her to tie the laces..

"Are you Parking"?

Most of my phone conversations with my friends are the length of the friend's car-ride. I dot my words with "are you parking?" .."oh it sounded like you were parking" There is always a risk that when a story is started by either party, the ride will end before the story will end. Good bye has been exchanged for "I have arrived"

Came from a World

A man called me. I began a rant regarding my manager. He informed me that while he wanted to talk to me, he could not engage in a conversation regarding my job. I felt rebuffed..I was annoyed..then I realized that I came from a world where people did not express their feelings in a straight forward manner..resulting in a blow up from a build up of feelings.. The man performed what I had asked others to do..and I am, now, grateful, for it..

HOT BODY

I snatched a forgotton fun-size snickers from my bra. It had melted nearly to a milk-shake consistancy.. could this mean I have the affirmation I have been searching for.. "A HOT BODY"

Hairy Warmth

I asked a man about his beard. He informed me that he was exploring the theory that facial hair would provide him with more warmth.. Yeah, I had a similiar theory..I stopped getting my hair cut in september.

Cart Tracks

I was complaining to a work friend about the downside of having a homeless boyfriend.."you always have to be out..we never can just stay in".. He suggested I share my hearth with the man of the hour..really? and invite cart tracks on the carpet..??

Kindness Fulfilled

I would instruct the universe that I wanted to be considered a kind person. A man texts, routinely, to thank me for my kindness. Perhaps the universe answers our requests..just on a different emotional timeline

Ear Flaps

I am just going to say it. I can not take men that wear hats with ear flaps seriously. It is how I choosing to roll this winter..

Fasting for a Cause

I did not eat for about twelve hours..wasn't really hungry..I felt faint.. It made me wonder if people fasting for a cause keep tight schedules

"Pre-Heat the Oven"

A man,going through divorce, described his evenings to me. He bakes and then consumes the goodies while watching "The Price is Right" I asked if I could join him..let's get that oven pre-heated already!

Re-Entry of Abusers

I invite potential abuse into my life. I create the doorway for their re-entry by returning their calls. My reasons feel just. I returned the call of one abuser because I wanted to keep lines of communication open for when a beloved was in the hospital. The beloved was in the hospital and I was not informed. The excuses are pointless when I do not share the same page as the abuser..being abusive confirms a lack of concern for my heart or mind anyway.. This is a keen emotional detour that makes my life harder.

Enemy of Back Fat

I am engaging in self doubt at work. My imediate thought is the correct one..yet I will ask my manager to confirm my evaluation. She will respond in a tone that would indicate that I killed randomly selected members of her family while leaving others to hobble for food and in a physical pose that could only illustrate that she is an enemy of back fat. I am left to mutter: " yeah,no, that is what I thought..wanted to be sure..I am comitting the crime of self doubt"

Pot-Stickers

I met a man outside a bed and breakfast. He asked me up to his room for some hanky panky...I opted to get pot-stickers

Better Sneaks

The man,begging for money, outside the library has better tennis shoes then I do..

Other Passengers

When my train stop aproaches, I verbally alert the other passengers..it is my way of being thoughtful

Better Luggage

The better dressed homeless people are the ones with better luggage.

Emotional Parasite

I select certain people to be emotional parasites. I am a quite willing ..be it asleep at wheel..host. The selection and start of the process is not clear to me. Perhaps because it is a little to natural to me and that is why how it starts is unclear to me. I am thinking that I am thinking.."he is really interesting ..he could be a really good earth teacher..I am dazzled by his arid wit" ..yet it runs deeper I absorb and catalogue everything the person has ever told,me, about him or his life. My almost constant availability and non-judgemental listening will prompt the selected parasite to reveal tidbits about all areas of his life. They praise me for my memory and my acceptance. Writing this directed me to an awareness..I engaged in this form of vocation for my father. I did it to stand out to my father..and I want to stand out to the selected men..

I could do this..

When I was in my twenties, I babysat for families in Cambridge..near Harvard Square.. I would stand in apartments with approachable furniture and overstuffed book cases..observing and interacting with fathers and mothers individually..and I thought I could live like this.. Being married and walking with my child to the park or to a museum..I thought I could fit in here.. I never felt that way on the west coast.

Changing Companies

A manager and I changed companies on the same day. It has not been a smooth transition. We steal moments to take turns describing what has brought us to the verge of tears.

Everyday

Everyday is a new opportunity to work towards a better life I must keep this in the front of my brain

The Anti-Library

I go to the Copley library in Boston several times a week. It appears to be the loudest library I have ever used. It could be considered the anti-library. People shout out their friend's names across book galleries and eat fast food at the tables meant to be used for research. The only time I see security react is when people sleep..when people doze while reading..they are warned and evicted

Time Passages

I am intimidated by the passage of time. Breaking down blocks of time enables me to face it..a minute at a time..an hour at a time

Vices

I frequently think of how my savings account balance would differ if I was putting the costs of my vices into the bank instead of costing my body My vices is how I get through what is uncomfortable about my life and I can not imagine anything more uncomfortable then being without them

His Loverly Moments

I saw a relative in the Fall. Seeing him informed me of his shredding physical health. In the past, I would wallow in his shattered brain use while swallowing numbing substances. My reaction has changed. I offered help with a virgin level of acceptance. "It is what it is" was my attitude while I pocketed his loverly moments.

Breath Mint

Reading in a public place. A semi-stranger sidled next to me and suggested that I spend the night at his apartment. He concluded by offering me a breath mint.

WHAT UP?

I moved to the east coast in April. My pant and bra size have decreased by two sizes between April and October..all my clothes are baggy.. I step onto the scale..I have gained 20 pounds...WHAT UP?

"Not the Pretty One"

I was considered "not the pretty one" of the three girls in my family. The classification forced me to lead with my personality. I learned how to talk to people..to almost anyone..custom fitting my words based on what I was able to observe of the listener. I,also, learned how to be alone. Traveling and attending flicks singularly. And I do not know if I would have discovered the contribution books have given to my life..if not had my looks been labeled. There are many days that I am grateful to have been given the title: "Not the pretty one"

Being Irish

I am Irish and very fair. I,once, got a sunburn from an Ipad..

Unquiet

I checked in with a man from my past. He is aproaching his 2nd year with his girlfriend. Searching for a reason why I was not selected, I asked him: ME: Is she quiet when you are quiet? HIM: NO,she is not I ended the convo by stating that I could have been unquiet...

In Future Relationships

I slipped into a hotel lobby to recharge my phone. A woman sat acoss from me and told me about her life. She revealed that she used to know a man..they cooked and spent their week-ends doing interesting things around the city. He broke up with her. The woman described making a partial recovery by "crying herself out of it" She did not know why she was telling me and confessed to not having been able to talk about it..until last night. I would like to think that she learned something in the previous relationship that will benefit future relationships.

Private VS Public

The man that raised me would salute me in private and ridicule me in public. This behavior of my childhood has created a social pattern among my peers. I am,now, starting to realize the how deeply this contaminates my friend selection. This awareness must serve as a seed for actively changing my acceptance of being treated with less value

Phone Interview

I had a phone interview this morning. Concerned about my wake-up voice, I submitted a monologue to my friend's voice mail. My other choice was order every flavor doughnut from Dunkin Doughnuts.

Pain-Free

I live with a daily sharp pain in my legs. I take in and thank the universe during my pain free moments. I want to focus on my periods with out pain..not on the periods with it..

So-So Sex

I had good sex..on a level where I would catch myself standing motionless ..at work..reflecting on a singular act or moment..and then would almost wake up from frozen concentration.. It would always be followed by a sad panic because I had stopped talking to the guy.. Well the answer was to have a so-so sexual experience..it snapped me right out of it..

Mashed Potato Pizza

I engage in food rituals. I must have a certain slice of pizza when completed with my work-shift. It is the texture of the pizza that drives my foot pedals to the slice factory. When my desired topping, mashed potato, is not displayed. I query the counter guy..as he checks to see if the pizza is in the back..I stand there with my eyes wide and held breath.. I consume the warm clumps of softness on crust..as I am leaving..the guy assures me "we will always have mashed potato pizza" He did not want to see my world rocked..

Width and Length of the City

This may seem strange to you ..it does to me.. When I experience anxiety in Boston, I feel protection from the buildings and the city bounderies. I picture the buildings and it's materials as barriers of safety as I explore the city. Seeing myself,in my mind's eye, walking the length and width of the Commonwealth gives me comfort. It is almost like I feel like I would fall over without the buildings to support and place me in the world. It wipes aways my anxiety..I am grateful to have such an effective method that is not self-harming..

Against Type

While I attended a job training meeting, a girl turned to me and revealed: "I do not like talking to strangers " We were being trained to be sales associates

Life Training

I am standing on a train platform..waiting for my train to travel to work..there is a woman singing in French in the background..a man wearing a fedora walks in front of me.. I am not in Arizona anymore..

To Be Considered

I fix a male friend up on blind-dates. I do not believe it is bad for my emotional heart. I have never had to fight myself from touching him..never reqretted not seizing a moment and making a move.. yet, there will be certain moments on certain nights that I think " it would be nice to be considered"

Soundtrack

I choose to believe that the street and underground musicians are providing the sound track to my life

Rag-Tag Team

I am more ..much more..comfortable being emotionally evicted from people's lives then emotionally evicting them.. I must evovle from this current disposition..or I will be stuck with a rag-tag team for most of my life..

Train Conductor

I have started giving directions on the Boston's public transit system..AND sometimes the riders,even, ask for them..

Homeless Heartbreak

A man expressed heart-break over his wife cheating on him. He repeated his feelings of being crushed by his wife's confession. He sleeps at the park near the library. He is afraid of exposing himself to further betrayal..yet does not have money for a second residence..he wants to make sure his son has a safe warm place to live.. The homeless are starting to tell me their stories..

Dunkin Doughnuts

I have overdraft charges from going to Dunkin Doughnuts.. Yeah, I may have a sugar addiction..

Paternal Question

My father asked me an interesting question: He asked me what were all the new acts I had performed in the past year..what my key learning experiences were from doing something for the first time..

Harder Life

My choice-making makes my life harder..I make my life harder then it needs to be.. Everytime I fritter away money instead of save it..everytime I put unhealthy food in my mouth..everytime I call a person that has shown me less then respect.. I am making my life more difficult.. When I look back at this period in my life ..will my evaluation be different ..believing I should have given myself a break and praise myself for what I did do right..or confirm negative effects of my decisions..

Kissing in a Church

I met a man at the library..the first one in the country..our words were replaced with kisses We moved to a nearby church. I positioned him so I could see the buildings that I love and the darting cyclists.. while we collided bodies After I left him good and damp, he walked me to the street of my departure ..I headed for the light.. I did not want to jay-walk..

Even Exchange

I donate my purchased books..usually from a used book store..to the library when I complete them.. It feels like the perfect exchange with a place that has made a significant contribution to my life

Grey Hair

Why is it that every hair I pick off any of my garments is grey..

Giving Head

I gave head this week. And the guy did not do the thing I hate ..I did not realize how much I hated it until I did not experience it.. He did not push the back of my head while his member was in my mouth... I was told that the pushing of the head "was just something guys do" by a friend with enough experience to be a sex worker.. Well I do not think it was an accident that I got a stellar review and he kept his hands to himself during that portion of the program

Polished Shoes

There is a man on my commute..he 96% passess..he wears a nice tweed blazer and polished beautiful dress shoes..he carries a bag with no signs of any road weariness After weeks of seeing each other and not talking ..He explained how he became homeless He was working..became sick and drowned in the debt of the medical bills.. I informed him of companies that were hiring with-out reference checks.. He resisted saying that he can not work because he has a sleeping disorder and can not stay awake during the day..

A Boston Bathroom

I found myself in a public bathroom with two older women. We had all just seen..randomly .."12 years as a Slave" One of the woman asked if I cried during the wipping scenes. The question reminded me how I used to cry whenever presented with a visual injustice.. The woman: why did you not cry? Me: emotionally frozen..I do not know..I used to.. The woman: I would like to talk to you more..we are about to go to dinner..do you want to come.. I declined the invitation..I had been eating all day..I gave her my contact information..the question stuck with me..

Crumbs at the Bottom of a Chips Ahoy Bag

A man was starting to show indifferrence with the same ease as our conversation. I requested a cease in our communication ...I could not reinforce my request.. I went to my phone carrier with a sense of pride equal to the crumbs at the bottom of a chips ahoy bag..asking for a one way block..so I would stop calling him 14 times a day.. Verizon does not have such a service..my parting words were: "So Verizon is not going to help me evovle"

Prayer Circle

I walked out of work with a racing heart of anxiety ..three women surrounded me..explaining that they were praying for people and wanted to know if there was anything they could pray for me.. I submitted my agenda..what could it hurt and they appeared to be lovely in their intent.. I reversed the question to them ..they discussed feelings of limbo ..working in a market while attending graduate school..graduate school admissions We stood in a circle surrounded by Harvard Square patrons while one of the women asked God to show his compassionate awareness of me the understanding of another person already felt like a prayer answered..

Financially Independent

A man frequently tells me if a situation does not feel good then to move on..the fact that I am questioning it means it is not the right fit for me.. I always thought he had this position because he was financially secure and had more options.. Now I am thinking he is financially independent because of his emotional position

Reuniting with Him..

A person cut off contact with me..he re-connected with me.. I was questioning why he wanted to re-connect with me..when really the question should be why did I reunite with him..

Could Be Perfect..

Reporting of a person's dislike for me.."I could be perfect and she would still hate me".. the listener responded that could be true for most people.. perhaps it is about being true to yourself and having the most important person like you .. YOURSELF

Fumbling and Bumbling

Telling a friend that I viewed sex as two bodies fumbling and bumbling giving pleasure however they can.. She reacted by describing being in a standing kissing frenzy with a man and when she bent down tongue his money maker he went from a banana to a raisin.. I think it is a gift we give each other when we share " so you are not the only one" stories..

What is More Important?

I met a woman. She is angry about her lack of progress ..her lack of progress could be because of her anger. The woman appears to be stuck ..She is homeless. She walks from her required point A to Point C with "nine totes" The woman gets 300 dollars from welfare..not enough to save for a place.. She offers domestic chores in exchange for a room..she would be "glad for a closet..just something to call my own" The brown haired woman will be given lodging and then her anger debuts..she disagrees with how the house is run and then she is evicted.. Does her drive to be right over-ride her desire for a place of her own?

Petite Length

My newly purchased petite length pants are to long..just how short am I?

My Own Personal Wall

Prescription refills and treatment of new symptons has forced me to realize that I have rarely attended a doctor's visit alone...even in my thirties.. My father accompanied me to them. He sat wordlessly reading the New York Times in the waiting room..he was my own personal wall.. I must learn to go this area of my life a lone..

Going Black

I am thinking that if I did "go black" I would go back

Like a Zoo Animal

People live for temporary and extended periods of time at Boston's Logan Airport. A handful of people in various stages of appeared crisis will sit in a bank of chairs near the bathroom. The State Police will do sweeps at different points of time..usually early morning and late at night.. They will randomly evict certain struggling "guests" and asign them to the "boxes" There are two rectangular heated structures in front of one of the terminals..only one..It is lit and made mostly of glass..people sleep on the cement benches.. I always think the see thtough walls rob the inhabitants of their dignity..being displayed while they sleep.. like a zoo animal..

Anxiety Rings

I keep my phone on vibrate and in my bra. Whenever my heart races..feeling anxiety..I think a person is calling me

Back Hair

While I waited for the train, I itemized everything I wanted to change about my appearance. The packed train randomly placed me behind a girl with back hair..in various stages of growth..she was wearing a tank top. I thought of how much lighter her spirit was for not hiding it. We all have something we may want to change..

Physical Affection, Boston Style

Physical affection appears to spring forth on the streets of Boston. I see couples of all ages holding hands as they walk..hands around the waist of their friendly friend gently guiding them onto trains and through door ways Last night, I saw a couple quietly sitting on a park bench with their hands on top of each other The men and women are of all shapes and ages..it is a pleasure to see

Final Dabs of Toothpaste

I always think when I,DO, cry..the tears will overtake my body ..and I will convulse with sobbing A man was describing another man to me..he was using the man's weight as an arrow..my largesse gave me a sense of comparison with the target.. While listening to his words pierce the speaker of my mobile phone, I began to cry.. The tears did not not come as the expected wave..they came like the final dabs of tooth-paste from the tube..

Spare Bedroom

One evening, I was reading in a public place. A man quietly sat next to me. When I closed my book..his mouth opened. He was fom Africa and we discussed the differences in public education in our countries of birth..you know typical small talk.. The talk switched to discussing his personal history..then it happened..He offered me his spare bedroom.. His surounding words were.."a place for you to sleep..lay down..for the night" I was so startled at the casualness of the offer..his inviting a stranger into his home..I think I asked him to repeat the question When he was leaving for the night..He found me and confirmed his offer

Different Soup Kitchens

When homeless couples figt..Do their fights last longer because ....how do they escape each other..I mean they not can run off to their office..drown in Facebook or employ retail therapy.. Could they use different soup kitchens? opposite sides of the park? Research may be required..

Team Swedish Meatballs

Isn't the word, Right, inclusive? Right? particularly when paired with a compliment. Man: you are a smart girl, Right? Me: hey, yeah..I am pretty smart..you are RIGHT! Woman: you like swedish meat balls, RIGHT? Me: Of course, count me in for team swedish meatballs, Yay! The word,RIGHT, does appear to have be a uniquely solid conversation starter..RIGHT?

Foriegn Languages Room

I am known to say that I am a ditzy bright person and here is an example why: Staring at a stack of books in the Boston Public Library, I began to haggle a guess as why all the books were written in a foriegn pen. It just so happen..I was in the foriegn languages room

Love depositions

A man was texting me a series of questions about a chickie that he thinks could be a good galpal. Even though my feelings are self inflicted by volunteering for his love deposition..I want to cease the exchange with an option to revisit..on days when my sense of alienation is spotlighted ..it can be upgraded to featured as my phone pings with each question

Purse Strap

Happening on the train, My purse strap parted from my purse. The purse fell to the floor. Even though, I know I have to get a new purse..I can not. My purse is one of my few remaining pieces of evidence of a different time..a better time..when my parents were well.

"Masculine Energy"

I was engaging in hanky panky with a Russian gent..wanting to be affirming..I remarked on his masculine energy.. " Oh, you have such masculine energy" He did not dig it.. I reported my finding to my "super gay crush" and he informed me that masculine energy is reduntant. He suggested that I use the word "MAN" as in " you are such a MAN".."ALL MAN" Well that is easy..I can do that..do I dare branch out and utter the word "manly"?

Spitting out Words

A woman snapped at me. She called me bad names in the work place. The next day, she maligned a man for displaying twin behavior. Certain people do not remember the insulting words they spit out to people. So we must not own their evaluations of us.

Safety in Numbers

Where-ever there is a group there appears to be an opportunity to network. A group of homeless people gather outside the library. They discuss life. When-ever I see them ..I think about how lucky they are to discuss their shared experience...exchange information and perhaps there is safety in numbers.

Stay Lonely

A woman introduced me to a man. We had a good convo and he followed it up with a friendly text. I asked if he wanted to hang out..perhaps watch T.V. He informed the introducing friend that I was to old for him..also that he was lonely.. The man is in his sixties..perhaps it is the other way around .. STAY LONELY

"FUCK THEM"

A child hood friend would frequently say to me: "If they do not get you..then FUCK THEM" Her suggestion has motivated me on the harder days..

TA-DA

Do you believe in signs? I never know.. Standing among the book titles at the Boston Public Library, feeling stocked up with imperfection..needing a thread of hope A book title springs forth, "Loverly" by McHugh Loverly is an often used word in my e-messages and McHugh was my deceased mother's maiden name .. TA-DA: she was a librarian there are days when I want believe in signs more then other days..

Ma'am

I have always heard chatter about the coldness of east coast residents. People offer me their seats on the underground on an almost weekly basis.. Maybe it is because I look senior and feeble..I have been started to be called ma'am a purely dreadful amount lately.. Oh Geez!

Super Power

I have now achieved the super power of chin acne.

Clean nails

Walking from the underground station to the library, a man appeared out of nowhere.. a man that looked better then most people on their best day..pressed jeans perfectly arranged hair.. Man: I tried to help the guy..(showing me his manicured hands) I told him to clean his nails.. Me: I believe you Man: I am homeless too..he can't go to St.Francis to take a shower Me: Maybe it is to hard for him Man: He can't scrub up in a bathroom.. I shrugged and re-cleaned my nails for the fourth time this morning..

A Secure Place

You know the feeling of coming from the store ..where you went for the sole purpose of buying stamps..and you can not find the stamps..the nearly frantic searching A man rolled up a cart..similiar to a luggage cart at the airport.. transporting three white gargage bags..he lifted each bag..opened each bag..his hand crawled through the far depths of the bags ..appearing in need to find something to give him peace.. It made me think that if a person does not have a secure place to rest their things daily.. They always always feel like a person feels when they are looking for stamps

New Destination

I never wanted anyone to be lonely on my watch. Whenever I got word of human sadness or a sense of displacement..I would contact the person and volunteer a compliment and an amusing perspective.. NOW I ask myself if I want to talk the person..if not, then I hand it over to the universe.. BIG BIG CHANGE..I did not think I would reach this destination until my sixties

Only Constant

There are mornings when I wake up and think how did I become like this..who is this person? have roadmap of stress for a forehead..wearing glasses full time..used to only wear them for movie and T.V watching.. Have a verbal filter that is becoming more and more on the down-low.. No longer having certain people in my life.. I guess the the only constant is change and botox

Boy Crazy

I have become boy crazy in my forties. I moved to the east coast and have become awakened. Every man is appealing. I want to talk to every guy. Whenever I do talk to a guy, I want the convos to last a little longer..

Limp

A doctor informed me that I have a blood disorder. Resulting in walking with a limp. The upside is that my mobility has vastly improved. I have gone from shuffling my feet to returning to walking twelve flights of cement slabs a day. My periods of diminished walking rocked me because walking was always my therapy.

$7.99

I stumbled upon a discount store on my daily walk. While investigating their inventory, I discovered a bra for 7.99..yes, 7.99.. It was a padded bra that could lift your knockers high enough to have your cleavage collide with your throat. When purchasing the sweet threads, I asked the cashier: ME: 7.99? stop the insanity! Better yet, do not

Temporary Ring

There is a man... My friends nearly demand that I declare my crush on him...a facing up, if you will.. A crush just feels like, you know, temporary..once my possibly wanting gets into the mix ..which I do not believe I do..our communication could radically change.. I want to always be able to text him and get a return text within minutes.. I want the consistant reinforcement of my doing well on stage..I like that he tells me why he likes talking to me..I like being able to pick up the phone and get keen advice and observations.. Now wouldn't declaring a crush..something I may not even have..change all that?

On a Train

I watched an older couple getting on the train...they could have been in their late sixties.. The man was gently guiding her into a spot as the train started to move..he had his hand on her back.. I wondered why some people have that and others do not.. Is it a matter of letting your guard down and taking in love..a love that we are worthy of having?.. BELIEVING

Stevie Wonder

I was listening to stevie wonder sing: "People keep on loving each other" I thought of how a woman had joyfully, wordlessly handed me a coupon for a free Starbuck's beverage. I used it for a protein smoothie on a day when I did not have money for food. It hit the spot.

Civil Engineer

A civil engineer is a really polite engineer, right?

"FAT COW"

While a woman was scolding me, she kept referring to me as "OLD". She and I are about the same age. It reminded me of when girls would insult other girls by calling them a "FAT COW" like it is not already a symbol of weight to be called a COW..let's top it off by calling the person a FAT COW The comparison sprung the thought that we insult what we fear about ourselves..

Got Me!

A female friend ..potential girlfriend..was questioning a friendship with a man..her potential boyfriend.. I relayed her query to the man of the hour. Man: Well, why is she friends with you? Me: Because I am accepting, a good listener and entertaining Man: Why can't I be friends with you for the same reasons? you got me!

M.I.T Researcher

A M.I.T researcher and I were discussing our life placements. He clarified his position: The researcher: Even though you are on your planned path does not mean that you are secure about your planned path...

With Tension

A suitcase wheeling woman and I shared an elevator during her nightly commute. We discussed travel. I ran into her coming out of a door during my morning commute..she was wheeling the same suticase in the same clothes.. Carrying your belongings ... in need of keeping moving..can absorb every cell of your being with tension

Compact European

A man and I clicked during a word exchange. We shared a mutual wit. A few days later, the compact European greeted me with a hug..I stiffened.. I felt a little sad for myself

Panting

I was standing behind a register. My legs felt normal..When I began to walk to collect a garment..my legs were deadweights..it felt like I was walking against an agressive undertow Simple daily tasks like puting on pants became nearly impossible..I had,yet, to find a word to describe what had robbed me of what I used to take for granted

Darryl Hannah

Darryl Hannah is quoted as saying: I have wasted to many years being insecure and fearful

Breast Size

Women are informing me that my breasts are looking smaller..weight loss is named as the culprit.. Their evaluation is presented with an air of condolence

POP!

I wore a pair of black pants with a side zipper captained by a button. I bent down and heard a POP! "OH GEE WHISKERS! I checked my zipper through out the day ..waiting for it to unteeth.. it did not I wondered how much time is spent in expectation of bad things that do not happen.

Wheels

A woman referred to me as an "OLD BITCH".. the only thing missing is the wheels

Position Thrust

I have been insecure about my education for years. My geographical move has thrusted me into a position to interact with men from top east coast universities. I have been able to keep my own..they reinforce our talks as fun..being woken up.. Is the universe giving me a crash course in learning to make peace with a certain part of my self?

Without a Gun to my Head

I do not discuss my improved eating habits to invite advice..or torment..to be evaluated.. It is because I am caught off guard at being at my current point of evolution protein smoothies..brown rice..whole wheat bread with out a gun to my temple.. WHO KNEW?

Junk Food Version

I asked the bank teller what my checking account balance was..he ..UNSOLICITED..began verbally listing my past week end's debit deductions.. It felt like the junk food version of "THIS IS YOUR LIFE"

Wanting not Needing

I am learning that..even though I want something..does not mean I have to have it..

Library

I was sitting at a table  reading a memoir in an historical Boston library.  My background music was a woman teaching an older man to read..how brave of the man to have stated his need to improve his life ..and how appropiate for it to take place at a library..

Severed Ties

I am always surprised when a person does not absorb my value.  A man severed ties with me.

His reason was that he had to put himself first....Funny,..I thought I was doing that..

Womb

Food has become a key visual medium..whenever I venture from the womb of my closest starbucks ..and see various food court choices on the tables of consumers..I become consumed..my own self..and see no other way then to have "what she is having"

This particular time it is  a good thing not to cut the cord of new found womb..

A Dead Man's Suit

An Asian aunt came into the store to buy a suit for her nephew  to wear to his Father's funeral.  I was about to bag the two  suits..when an Aunt stopped me from placing the second suit in a bag.

she said, "that one is for his father and it would be superstitious to put the suits together"

Hate the "What Ifs"

I have been thinking about how to put ways into practice for new friendships in a new city.  Today, such an opportunity stood in front of my register and I did not act on it..my imagination is soil for a garden of glorious "what ifs"


A man with a serene smile and affirming gentle manner offered me his phone number..he followed
his initiation of his digits with.."I like you" in a firm masculine way

Even though, our rich convo continued ..I did not take him up on it..It was not that I did not feel worthy..
it was that I wanted him to directly ask me for my contact information..I did not want to be getting his..

Perhaps I will see him again....I will be sprinkling out my email address out more..

HATE THE "WHAT IFS"

EKG

An overweight woman was wearing a tight t-shirt..OMG such a tight t-shirt..it showed the whole bakery..and a complete outline of her belly button..

She was not wearing clothing ..she was wearing an EKG

T-Mobile

A Verizon worker informed me that he liked my sense of houmer.." I could talk to you all day"..

I think I will reserve judgement until I find out what T-Mobile think?

Parallel Tracks

Walking away, I heard a woman say to a mutual male co-worker, "don't do that again"

The deterioration of my health and my civil communication with the guys in my department appear to be on parallel tracks.

It is the women..most of them in their quiet twenties..rising up to tell the men to stop...they are doing it without any hint..that I am aware of .. that it can leave me verklempt..

A young female sales associate..nearly a fetus..approached me,at the onset of my employment with the
store.. and said .."I do not think you realize how naturally funny and smart you are and you are best type of person to work with.. she reinforced it with one word.."STOP" to a boy mocking me..

I have never had a person stand up for me before..

Taking it off!

An interaction with a client today:

Man: buying a purple vest..purple..I wanted black..

Me: I will take something off..

Emotional Sleep walking

A man and I were engaging in frequent convos to distract ourselves from our sadness.   I would reference the sadness routinely..

Then it occurred to me that I was not sad anymore..perhaps believing we have certain emotions or
reactions becomes habit..a form of emotional sleep walking

Same Page

A woman will misquote my thoughts (back) to me ..and follow it with, I am the only one that understands you..

"we are always so on the same page"

Discarded Death Stick

A man walked up behind me with a lit cigarette. He described scouring sidewalks and courtyards for cigarettes with some puffs left on them..he explained that he was out of money and waiting for his next paycheck.."two days away"

He reported that he felt really lucky when he found a discarded death stick that was almost unused..

"some people will take two puffs and put them out"..

I look on the ground differently now

Empowering Methods

I consulted two men for different reasons and on two different opportunities..They responded identically:

"You are a smart girl..you do not need to be asking people for advice"

An excellent way to empower a person..

Forecasting

A man described how he tried to forecast the best use of his abilities and talents..while at university..
for the creation of a career..

I reinforced the smartness of that..he responded, " even when you try to plan..it easy to question your chosen path"

Light at the End of the Buffet

Lately, I have switched to eating unhealthiness in the morning..it throws my day off..yet I feel like I can not face the day with out it..

I see a light at the end of the buffet..

Convo Contradiction

A recent phone convo:

Man: I want to tell you something..I am afraid ..

Me: I do not judge you..spit it out..you are being really annoying,,I accept you

Man: Okaaay..

Me: GO

Glorious Feast

I have been noticing people leaving well sealed "to go" containers left in public areas.  I witnessed a scene connected to this trend..

Walking back from dinner with her family, a bag holding woman questioned keeping the food.." Why do I have this"?

She deposited the high quality leftovers..steak..breaded chicken ..macaroni and cheese.. vegetables

by a light pole..

What a glorious feast for a starving person

"With Out Papers"

A  woman asked me about my marital status.  She followed her question by announcing she got married at forty-five.  She described him as a man with out "papers"

Love brought to you by your local I.N.S

Educational Pedigree

I had a duet of words with a researcher ..a man with a much more exclusive educational pedigree then me...We had a unique matching of thoughts..

It has occurred to me that ..a decade ago..a year ago..our difference in education would have rendered
me defensive and unable to fully participate in the convo..

Defensiveness makes lives harder..

Shards of Glass

I use a cracked IPhone..it looks like shards of glass being held together..there  are times when it feels symbolic of the dialogues being conducted on the phone ..

Carved

Living in a new city is giving me the permission to be a more authentic self...The city of my personal
history carved me with expectations of behaviors.

Foreplay

I informed a male host that we needed to buy wine before my visit.  He said he had a full bar.

Foreplay accomplished!

Underestimation

A woman expressed fear about living alone after being in a relationship..she may have stayed in the relationship longer because of the fear.

She,now, lives alone and loves it.  She may have  underestimated herself..

Dwelling

I dwell on my over thinking..a lot of time is spent analysing it

Blurred Boundary

A manager was venting about the condition of her peer's desk.  When she concluded her rant with the report that she was going to talk to him about it...

I sputtered, "Really is that your place..isn't that his story"..

Stopped myself with the thought that I was blurring the same boundary..

Patty Hearst

A man and I were discussing human behaviors and goals.  He said, "Once you realign your instincts you will be on the right track"

Didn't they say that to Patty Hearst?

Celebrating Contribution

I was paid today.  The day before pay day is spent planning how I will spend it.  Thinking I should celebrate the financial infusion with an expenditure of a meal ..a breaking out of my food routine..not quite a rut yet..

Then I thought why not view the celebration as a contribution to my savings account.

Crushing Twice

I have decided that I have two types of crushes..an emotional crush and a physical crush.

My physical crush is all about experiencing areas of sexual pleasure.  I want to kiss..I want to massage him..I want to feel his denim..I want him  to hold my hand and my body..

My emotional crush is wanting to know all about his him..talking to him several times a week..wanting his insights and advice on most of the aspects of my life..

Crush away

Sinister

I noticed the "Home Store" of a department store can be a sinister place.  It sells a significant mallet..yes the customer says they are a chef .. a vacuum and garbage bags for clean up could really
send a serial killer on it's way..

Everywhere in the World

I was grumbling about overhearing a person talking about me..the listener responded,"People are being
talked about everywhere in the world"

It was calming..

Dubai

I moved from Arizona to Massachusetts.  I exchanged a language barrier with a man..old habits die hard..coming from a world where Spanish is the dominating second language..

I began to speak Spanish with the person. He responded, "Why are you speaking Spanish?..I am

from Dubai".

Emotional Armour

I wear the same sweater all day..everyday..the sperm of the sporting it was because of chills ..now I view as my emotional armour...all zipped up

Sexual Power Point

My legs have become a canvas for my eternal medical strife.  I view,myself, giving  a power point presentation to my next sexual partner ...using a pen light to high light on the screen areas to shield
the eyes..

knowing it will draw more attention then less..I still want to give a thoughtful alert

Solitude

A man described his relationship with solitude.  While expressing his need for solitude..he reported

solitude has never hurt me...

Unrelenting Chatterbox

I had previously viewed a woman as an unrelenting chatterbox until I had heard her story.  She explained to me that she has daily anxiety.  She feels victorious when she is able to complete a work shift without her symptoms being apparent.

"I am hoping that I will be considered quirky"

Second Language

I was,secretly, judging a co-worker's bad grammar.  Only to discover that English is her second language..

Make Them

Clients  are returning to my work place and asking about me..relaying how I made them feel during our  convos..

affirming comments can change a life ..Make them!

City of Contradiction

Boston may become my city of contradiction. Feeling an emotional peak peak during a physical valley...

Both will seed powerful ..transforming changes

Kindness and consideration

A  woman offered to fix me up with a man.  She asked me for a list of qualities..I was surprised by how complicated I treated the question..

dry wit..intellect..curious..sense of ambition..

When broken down we concluded it was about kindness and a feeling of being considered..

"One More Thing"

"One more thing" has become how I measure my emotional stamina..medical symptom..loosing a phone...frozen computer..

I choose to keep putting one foot in from another during my loosely woven life.  It is not assumed that there will not be "one more thing" that will rip my whole being of the motivation to keep going.

Creepy

I called a man..asking him how to start convos in a bar..he told me: "BE YOU"

He expanded, the bottom line is just not to be "creepy"

No Redeeming Value

My women friends will refer to their bodies..as if they do not have any redeeming value..it all seems like  wasteful ..it is the bodies we have..it gets us where we need to go...it seems like  a shame to live your life

in a form of self loathing..

No Wiggle Room

A collection of women have suggested I am crushing on a certain man..some have broached the subject almost as a suggestion  for me to come clean...My steadfast position is that it is not relevant ..

The man and I have discussed it.   He gave me his anti-dating..of me..stance with no wiggle room..

What makes me sad is that the women may be not dating him out of consideration of me..

Marlboro Celebration

I wanted to celebrate my positive medical report with a cigarette.  It felt similar to ..when I was a kid..my mother taking  me to dinner to celebrate my weight loss..

Entrenched

I hate it when people give me diet suggestions.  My eating habits are entrenched and require a peeling away of layers

So people should save their three words.."you should" ..."why not try"

Vegetarian Cyclist

A man and I have become friendlier..he is a vegetarian cyclist..I do not feel like I can talk to him about the majesty of macaroni  and cheese..particularly at it's highest level of emotional satisfaction

Fish in the Sea

I have been listening to the words of a man close to bedtime..whenever our mouths start to close up for the
night..another man will text me..when it happened on the third night..I started to wonder if the universe is
is showing me that there is other men in the sea.

Lost Art

I have been spending the morning trying to take an alluring selfie with cleavage..it is a lost art

Whole Picture

I am told that my choice of male friends is questionable.  While the men appear to have a undiluted belief of me, they also offer stern appraisals of my behavior.

When I am focused on their affirmations, members of my tribe are reminding me of the saddening word exchanges.

Not hearing what was right about me,for years, inhibits my ability to see the whole picture

Thought Rotisserie

A product or service will dominate my mind..rotating like a thought rotisserie ..until I convince myself that I need it..then I expend my limited funds on it..

What I need to is to expand my savings account..

Prositute

I was sitting on a bench overlooking the river..in my usual garb..Lauren cardigan and Coach purse.. A man approached me and solicited my services..

Replying in my usual manner..'No, thank you for the offer".."Sweet Dreams"...

While wondering, what if I was not to his satisfaction..would I end up owing him money?

Clinique Compact

I have observed a homeless(?) woman ..I have only seen her in transit..pushing a car of garbage bags ..a cart that is her life line.

In a surprising moment, we became paired in a public bathroom. She was washing her neck with tap water and paper towels.  I felt like I was intruding on a private ritual.

Upon completion of her skin cleanse, she evaluated herself with a clinique compact..perhaps a sign of better
days?

My True Self

Health issues may force me to put myself first.  Prioritizing  opportunities to acquire the nutrition that will reduce my symptoms..not reinforce them

Taking in that I must address needs through emotional expression not through an oral fixation.  My medical situation may be the best thing that could happen to me..it will teach me to be my true self and not the person
that my habits created..

Pick Up Lines

A man,in his 20's, was teasing  and flirting with me... He said he was going  to "F" me until I had scoliosis ..is this a new pick up line among the young people?..

I told him I would settle for a pinched nerve..

Scarlette O'Hara

A quote has stayed with me..."success comes from need"..the determination of Scarlett O'Hara ..her desire
to have less financial fragility in her future then she had in her past..

Daily Drinkers

I am starting  to absorb that I can not emotionally negotiate with daily drinkers

Streamlining

It started with a friendly text..then he started calling from the office..a friend declared it as "ramping up"
he wanted to hear my voice...it seemed more about, the back in the mind, expectation of talking to him
then "waiting for his call"

Then he chose to streamline his communication to one message..you are not worth a few minutes of my time
to contact

However Long?

Not having a consistent place to lay your head requires physical strength.  Carrying what you own in a backpack or a carry-on ..the weight of your belongings is on your back or shoulder during most your
hours of your days..for however long

Faith

I told a trainee that I had faith in her..she asked who faith was

Ray Bradbury Quote

FROM FAHRENHEIT 451 BY RAY BRADBURY:

"We can not tell the precise moment when a friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at least one which makes the heart run over"

Emotional Prescription

A man called to report a crushed spirit..I prescribed mashed potatoes and naps..until the worst was over..

Technicolor Conversations

There has been many technicolor conversations..of men describing how they would pleasure me with their
hands and tongues..yet one description has proven to be the most satisfying

A man will call as I am drifting off to sleep ..he details how he would hug me ...hello..the next time we meet..

His gentle, affirming touches along my back make me feel like an individual..like a cared for individual

Syntax

A friend identifies all my positive happenings as my manifestations ..wouldn't that also apply to my negative
happenings?

Back To School

I am at peace with not having children..then again ..I did feel a pinch when I saw  pictures..posted on Facebook ..of my former grade school mate's kids returning to school..

"Fun Size" Candy

My workplace has candy in a locked office...from the moment I approach the employee entrance ..I think about the candy..it is not about eating it..it is about access

Morning Rally

My company of employment has morning meetings.  The meetings are used to announce employees that have done well or to distribute information.

When I attend the "morning rallies" ..I would say (to myself) I will be saluted at this meeting...

Today, I was asked to speak on the power of my customer service..my  effect on people..

Leggo My Ego

Almost daily, a man feeds my ego like a pellet machine feeds the animals at the zoo.  I,just discovered, he physically abused his girl-friend..

I must learn to walk away ..and be the one to feed my ego..

Earth Teachings

When a person gives me life changing advice...particularly when it is simply worded.. I refer to that person as an earth teacher..

A recent example of this is: a person asked," Why do you care about a person that does not care about you"?

I think about that almost daily

Box of Ashes

A childhood friend moved towards a better climate..better health..She left the house that raised her grandmother and her mother..

I stood, with the developer of most of my childhood memories, looking at pictures of the lush greenery surrounding her familial residence..she pointed to the picture and said I will return there to live..with such
determination..

She did ..in a box of  ashes

Hanky Panky

A sexting partner introduced the factor of public sex..foreplay..hanky panky ..I wanted to know what restaurant..

Flushed

The key toilets in my life have an automatic flush..I am finding myself standing in public bathroom stalls with a singular prayer..

"PLEASE FLUSH"

Verbal Violence

I am engaging in a friendship pattern. Befriending a certain type of woman that is seductive at the onset of the friendship..they give large complements ..loving how I think..that we are on the same page..feeling a sense peace and affirmation with me..

Then they explode with verbal violence..It becomes about searching for signs prior to the eruption

Curve Balls

A woman proffered that she wants stories of perseverance ..being a victor after surviving life curve balls ...

not advice ..for inspiration ..its gives a feeling of being less alone..

I tend to agree

Sleeper

I have gone from being an insomniac to being narcoleptic ..whenever I sit down I run the risk of falling a sleep ..this can lead to some embarrassing moments..

When a Starbucks worker woke me from a dream..I emoted," Oh No"..and scurried from the corporate coffee klatch 

Still vacant of a rational explanation to that reaction

Potential Disaster

Is my need for male approval so acute ..that I am not blocking men..that do not appeal to me..that are contacting me..And I sense could be a potential disaster..

Not the Man

The man that is contacting  me ..texting me ..wanting to know how I am .. is not the man I want to be contacting me..

He/She

A person is in front of me..he/she is wearing a mustache..a flowing skirt..nail polish ..long hair.. heels  I am thinking more man then woman

I admire the person for showing more of  his/her authentic self

Riddled with Disease

My body is riddled with disease..the hell of it is that is I am responsible  ...with every opening of my mouth comes an opportunity to decrease the symptoms

P.O Box

It is nearly impossible for the working poor to open bank accounts.  Having a physical address is required..so even though a person may maintain a P.O. Box for a mailing address .. having an insecure
residence will prevent a person from creating a positive financial history to advance their status and potentially gain a secure living situation

His Grandmother

I was told I was mercifully flirting with a nineteen year old..that same nineteen year old,later that night, informed me I reminded him of his grandmother

MANTRA

I must practice the daily mantra ..IT IS ABOUT NEED NOT ABOUT WANT..

Coming to an End

I am coming to an end of a book..I am feeling sad to part with the characters that have been with me on my
daily life..

Turkey Sandwich

I am in a high period of cravings..When I am in these periods, I always wonder if it is a sign if feeling more powerless then other periods..

If I crave a turkey sandwich and I get one..does that give me a sense of control

Inner Conflicts

A friend will describe many of her week's leisure time while complaining about a dearth of it..

perhaps she is discussing an escape of her inner conflicts..

Snow Storm

Freezing in forty degree weather..working in a coat..a man teased, "is it snowing"?

fearing dandruff ..I began to brush my shoulders for white flakes

he was referring to my coat

LETHAL

I would rather quit eating then smoking..

Fist

I was told that I had to actively release my inner tension..I thought of how much I express and thought there could  not much be left..inside of me to release

Then I realized that I frequently walk with a clenched fist..

Gay Men

A woman described how a man held her while she cried...he did not try to solve it..he did not ask why..he  quietly held her until it naturally ran it's course..

She expressed a concern that I had never experienced such a tender touch..Of course, from gay men..

Skittles

I worked an overnight shift in a shopping mall.  I brought a sandwich for my meal break and felt reassured..

A training manager suggested we get food because we would be "locked in" ..well I freaked ..I grabbed my spare box of skittles from my locker..I walked around with it like a security blanket..not opening the box..holding the candy slowly melted my anxiety..

Glad Green Largess

A homeless woman crosses my path..she maneuvers an airport luggage cart..the cart supports three large garbage bags..

The last time, I saw her, I noticed a folded newspaper tucked in among the GLAD green largess ..I thought of the pain her cart represents...as large as the bags..to large to discard a newspaper..

Porn Star

Many of my day's minutes are spent  fighting the urge not to put something in my mouth..will my  DNA be the seed of being found slumped over..or becoming a  PORN STAR?

Points of Erotica

MY DISCUSSION WITH "MY PROM-DATE":

ME: he said he is a master of for-play...he knows all the different points of erotica on the women's body..the more pleasure he can give the more pleasure he receives ...

PROM-DATE: I do not believe it ...when guy talks like that ..it is usually suspect..not true

ME: I choose to believe

Mis-reach

What do you do if the only people reachirng out to you..mis-treat you?

Back Packers

The train jerked suddenly..a mother and son back packers were standing near the sliding doors.. the son gently steadied his mother..

How?

MY FRIEND'S QUESTION:

Where and how would we be if we were not stopped by fear?

Sexual Fountain

A woman's sexual fountain dried up..she has started to bake cookies

Last dollars

every minute..every day..every week..every month... I tell myself that I am going to make a change..

destroy my harness of oral fixation..seeing  it fall to the ground...then I will find myself at some counter at some hour of the day..digging though their inventory as I dig through my wallet to spend
my last dollars for the week..

I will ask  myself.." spending nearly your last dollar before payday..without hesitation..what would lead to a hesitation"?

Similar Empathy

A man informed me, he needed constant reassurance.. sharing his quality..gave me empathy..an easy awareness of his need..I stepped into the role...

There are moments when..I wonder.."what about me"? will a similar empathy be shared

Dominating Dame

A man and I came together ...sexual words began to moisten our lips..I talked over him..

there is nothing like a dominating dame ...

Food Enemy

Fatigue is the enemy to positive food choices

Sexual Timeshare

A west coast resident informed me that he had a new girlfriend.."she is living in New England" he excitedly confirms..

Really? Is "dating" a person on an opposite coast truly a partner or a sexual timeshare?

Ear Buds

Sitting next to a man..only a carry-on bag between us..and a dimly lit flight attendant  call button for mood lighting..

Words about our lives filled the atmosphere of our row..THEN he

began to place his ear buds mid- sentence..Could this have been a sign that he wanted to cease
the conversation?

Sex and Sales

Sales and getting it on is a numbers game...keep asking and being determined not to let the NOS
stop you..

Penis Pressure

A man informed me that I did not know the pressure of having a large penis...

he got me there

Appointment with Heartbreak

A man disrespected me..I took it as an opportunity..to suspend communication ..I was scheduling

devastation ..then the appointment with heartbreak never came..

Only relief has been on the calendar

Black Bra

I wear a creme colored bra 364 days ..365th day I wore a black bra....thinking it was my creme
selection...

I sported a thin cotton t-shirt to greet the electrician..or should I say my black bra greeted him

Medical Care

I did not feel worthy of medical care.  I was convinced that every symptom  I endured was a result
of what I put into my mouth..

When I do,finally, break down and go to the doctor..I  discover that my condition will be unrelated
to my eating ..

And to think of the wasted suffering that could have been prevented ..

Human Craving

How do I stop craving a person?... that appears to be able to go the rest of his life not caring if

I exist

Microwave Man

A man informed me that he likes daily reassurance.. I told him I would love that to..perhaps in the form of a mini man to greet me when I open the micro-wave..telling me that "all will be well"

I wonder if he has a higher chance of getting his goal accomplished because he asks for it..

DEATH THREATS

A woman and I were discussing a certain man..

WOMAN: the way he talks about you ..he seems to like you..thinks well of u..

ME: all I know is he likes to makes jokes at my expense..

WOMAN: why do you put up with that?

ME: there are not death threats

Friend Feelings

How do I know when to move on from a friend?  I told the same story to a man and a woman..both older then me..both had differing opinions..both sounded very reasonable..

Could the answer be to consult how I feel when I am with the friend..not how other people feel when they hear the stories..

Pizza with a side of Tears

I knew I was due for a sob session..I tried to plan the release..I would to try to plan it..I would sit alone in quiet..I lain down in the dark..I was looking forward to lightness after the emotional storm

It came out at dinner with a woman ..a pizza with a side of nearly unstoppable tears..the car ride brought a guttural quiet cry..

I guess it can not be planned

Mean Drunks

When a person is a mean drunk..is the forgiving mode of behavior an exhibit of grace..yeah, well, what if you are feeling a little more targeted with anger then the others in the drinker's social circle..???

Is it more about accounting for the worthiness of how we should be treated at all times..or is it
about accounting for people's emotional costumes

Heart Surgery

A man and a woman were not coming together as I felt they should ..I discussed my dilemna with a dear girlfriend..discussing the folds of their behavior like a doctor discussing heart surgery with his patient..

The listener suggested I let them work it out..has it REALLY  come to that?

Burka

Today brought my first interaction with a woman wearing a burka..only seeing her eyes united me with a raw reaction of sadness..a sense of being a misty form of unnerved..

She was accompanied by her husband..as the conversation progressed ..it became evident that she "wore the pants" she took control of the course of our behaviors..

She would say to me, "Ignore him"

T-Shirt

I am wearing a white shirt and I am stain free..I feel powerful

Expectations

I work in sales..

Everyday, multiple managers and I discuss the day's sales plan..overall plan..including the break down of money required for each division of the sales plan..I love it!

We brainstorm how I can contribute to the accumulation of the achieved sales goals..They express their expectations of me..and reinforce their faith in me..the talks streamlines my daily thoughts..

The best part is that if I do not succeed I do not feel shame because I know I always try..

Abusing Myself

I set myself up..I will acquire a nightly contact..a person will email..call me..or engage a short texting dialogue with me within hours of going to bed..it will  temporarily plug my flow of emotional hunger..

The contact will stop fade out and I return to wanting my mouth heaping with some substance..it is in my face once again that I need to abuse myself to feel complete..

Marinate

Tonight, I was chatting up a customer about the purchase of an espresso maker..

Me:"Do you want to marinate on it"?

Him,," No, I am gonna think about it"

Discovered Principle

For the first time..EVER.. I am only hearing positive reinforcement..My managers and co-workers are,only, telling me what is right about me..now, of course, I am waiting for the other loafer to drop..

I have been told that..when good qualities are the focus and bad qualities are ignored..the ignored falls away

This is my opportunity for the discovery of that principle..

Unlike Me

Tonight, I walked in my process and not in my result.  I performed comedy in a new city...it did go not like the picture in my head..that is not what is grimacing in my psyche

Instead..I am proud of myself for finding the club..learning the public transport to get to the club ..and

GETTING UP ON STAGE!...

Being proud of myself is so unlike me..if I can do it..you can to..

Stop...Stop..Stop..Stop..

The darkening of the city line..the completing of life's distractions..surrounds me in my grief.. I have to

stop thinking of someone..stop asking him for advice..stop ..stop..stop..stop..stop...

The perceived length of releasing him..not only him..the idea of how my life would improve with him
in it..hits me with anxiety like a blunt object..

I am choosing to believe that sobbing until limp with exhaustion..will generate the thin layer..that will be the start of the fermenting of the thick layer..

The thick layer of skin..when you forget you have to actively train yourself to stop thinking of him

Burning to Bright?

Relationships will start  so easily..much is shared over a short period..the coming together may seem intense to a witness..yet it will feel natural and a gratefulness is expressed..The person is vouched for..a good decent being emulated from her daily words..I sit here thinking about the important things I did not know..

Do relationships that start so quickly and seemingly completely ..are they burning to bright?

Electrical Outlets

Talking to the working poor ..educates me on how they concentrate their money..they have jobs..their income is below the amount required to pay for rent..

Paying his phone bill..was one homeless man's priority ..holding up his phone," I have,managed, to keep this phone on, month after month"

I have started noticing public outlets..thinking of phone charging..















'

Male Source of Complaint

Women will describe what they want in a man..I will fix them up with a man that fits that description..yet they will reject them and run,back, towards their previous male source of complaint

Food Porn

My sexting partner tried to woo me by texting ,me, a picture of baked potatoes..it worked

Pulling A Geographical

I was, always, given the same negative evaluations at each of my west coast jobs..I thought I was doomed..

A geographical was pulled..I moved to the east coast..I am being saluted,at today's staff meeting, for my

positive contributions..

Thoughtful Optimism

I fixed up a man with a woman. I wanted them to hit it off..perhaps for it to bloom into an emotionally
satisfying relationship..whatever their form I wanted the best result for them..

That is until...I heard about their first convos.. hearing the thoughtful optimism..I felt some envy

Spaghetti Noodles

I confided to a woman...about a sexual encounter..that I was as dry as my wit..

We talked today ..she informed me she was also dry.."I thought of you"

I throw a lot of words out there..it is not always clear what spaghetti noodles will stick the

fridge door..

Scaffolding

I was participating in some sexual distraction ...the Russian's fingers were downtown and he wanted to make use of his mouth uptown..he asked for me to bring my nipple to his lips..

GREAT! my breasts,now, require scaffolding

"One Night Stand"

This morning, I had a "one night stand" ..My keys remained palmed and my toes never escaped free of my shoes

I wonder if a cannon ball plunge in cool water on a hot day would have quenched more of my thirst

STOP EATING IT!

My life's work has been about training myself to stop eating unhealthy food when I am becoming full..that is until tonight..

I was eating a healthy protein and became uncomfortably full..I kept eating because it was not a fatty choice and it was not a binge..it was a standard portion..

Well now I am starting to get that if I am uncomfortable..no matter the food choice ..STOP EATING IT

"Just"

My personality is an acquired taste.  My organically arranged and selected words can elicit quizzical looks.

I would explain my communication style "away" ...that is just my personality.. that is just how I talk..

I am being sincere, it is just a deadpan delivery..

No more justifying..it is now time to celebrate one of the best parts of me..

Shoot Higher

I craved a man's affirmation for five years.  He emailed and called me ..both forms of communication contained the positive ways he felt about me..

Now, I feel I should have shot higher..

Catching Nookie

A friend and I exchange daily voice mails...her voice mails are usually about her catching some nookie ..

mine are usually about my sleep patterns ..I am choosing not to "look" at this

"Brave Soldier"

Whenever I would voice a request,to my father,for a change in his behavior..He would respond, "You are such a brave soldier"

I,sometimes, hear myself give that as a reply when certain people react negatively to my behavior

   Inherited habits can creep in to everyday behaviors

Only to my Body?- hoarder installment

I stopped offering,my host,help with reducing the large clumps of debris in her house. My verbal judgement had also ceased to be offered. My commute forced me to leave the house before they woke-up and return after they went to bed..

My face was smothered with scabs..my lower body stiffened up..I was operating under three hours of sleep daily

My Host informed me that my behavior created  an uncomfortable atmosphere.. So the tension I thought was being reserved to only my body was,also, in the larger body of the house..

CHEEZ-ITS

I revealed to a gal pal that I have stumbled into a committed relationship with CHEEZ-ITS..

My friend reacted,"Jesus? is that a guy you met"?

Me: "No,  a snack bag of CHEEZ- ITS?

"Average Guy"

I will,randomly, text or email compliments to people.  They have expressed a disc-comfort with it..feeling the compliments were over the top.. one guy said," I am average and I am okay with being average..so therefore your compliments build me up to somebody I am not.."

If I would have tried to force the issue ..then it would have become more about me then him..which defeated my purpose.                               `

Cheetos' Dust

A man seemed emphatic that he lacked discipline because he was unable to go to the gym because of his work schedule..

at least that is what I thought he said..I was focused on licking cheetos' dust off my finger-tips..

Sloppy Firsts

I have changed from being unable to book morning appointments ..because I would sleep through them.. to being the first customer at Starbucks..

A sign of evolution?

Hot Air

I have been thinking about the details of the life of a homeless person.  Particularly the type of homeless person that is trying to "pass"..the type that has a  bit of money..not quite enough to have
regular "digs".

They're  maintaining a list of clean, rarely patrolled bathrooms to quickly get ready for work..does the switching from paper towels..for spot-body cleaning..to hot air to dry hands..make their lives harder..??

The next line you are in, will you be standing next to a person that is trying to "pass"?

Molten Anger

(After),My host and I had removed the clumps of debris from her kitchen...we moved on to her living room..

The couch(?) was drowning in piles of clothes..most still in the store's bags..crockery..school supplies..a random jar of pennies..prescription eye wear..never worn rain boots.. a bag of stone hard
bagels

I held one large garbage bag for discards and one for donated items.. She would hand me items while declaring their category

She had asked to stop saying,"good job!", through-out the process..I thought I was quiet and helpful..that is what I wanted to be..

I felt venom through-out the whole cleaning session..pure molten anger..something changed ..unknown
to me..we stopped our cleaning sessions and she demeaned everyday after that..

Broccoli Cheddar

A woman and I were surveying the soup options at an airport bistro..she started to show favor to the
broccoli cheddar..

I asked," Are you about to wing to another city?, because that would not be a considerate choice for your plane mates.."

She smilingly assured me that she had arrived at her destination

Science Fiction

I interact with men all day long.  My opening question is usually,"what are you reading"?

They consistently respond, "science fiction..Steven King"

When wanting a date..forget a singles bar..hit a book store

Triangle

I have infrequent communication with a man.   A mutual female friend asked what the deal was between the man and me.

perhaps not all relationships require labels

Youth and Age

My face has both acne and wrinkles..after years of a clear complexion..I have patches of a break-out..

When I look at my face..it looks like an odd mixture of youth and age ..

Tele-complaint

A man called me and spent his words complaining about various people.  I responded in the same way to each of his complaints

Most people are suffering in their own way....which could be a source for some of their behavior

He ended the call

Spoons

A man told me crack kills..I reacted: "not to mention, what it does to spoons"

Airport Run

Walking into the Boston airport, memories of my travel from a richer time permeated my being...My father would frequently drive me round-trip to the airport..a sadness was stirred up..

I will be able to go to Maine or Washington D.C again..My dad picking me up from the airport will not..

Inviting Smile

I was standing in the doorway of a train station with a homeless person.  We were seeking cover from a biblical rain storm...he was trying to keep his few things covered ..

I looked at him and said," it is harder when it rains"  ..

He gave me the most perfectly inviting smile..

Logical

I was prattling to a friend.." he sent me affirming messages each morning..he has a  sexual crush on another girl yet he is contacting me and not her..isn't sex king"?

My friend: " you are expecting for human behavior to be logical"

Beaver Creek

My friend's co-worker is heading to Beaver Creek after having a pap smear the previous day

Imagine That?

A man and I had a mutual acquaintance...she would ask about him and compliment him..I would pass the reinforcement to him via text..he would not acknowledge it..I took his indifference as a reflection on me..

When I asked him about it..he said," I do not believe the compliments"

Nothing to do with me..imagine that..

Bowties

AT THE STORE TONIGHT:

A man,at the register, informed me that he was buying multiple bow ties because of what I had said to him..." you said, I should follow my inner voice...when I asked you whether I should buy bow-ties"

How could such advice backfire?









"

How They Do It

It is not about how I think a person should compliment me or show appreciation for me..sometimes it is about learning how they show it..how they do it..

..A Little Sadly

Two people sent me affirming emails overnight.  I was feeling indifference from them..thought perhaps it was a rejection or as neutral as limbo..

Going to work..I was not craving my morning fix..I told myself it was because I slept in..more rested..

I just wonder..a little sadly

More Painful Part

Friendships can not be forced.  My pursuing of certain people..knowing that they do not want to create a mutual level of friendship..is self inflicting grief and sadness...

I have no-body to blame but myself and that is the more painful part.

Pleading Son

My Host and I were walking near her bedroom ..her son pleaded,"Do not show her your room", from a floor away..I did not question it..

A few days later, I informed her that I felt compassion for her son..explaining," He has to maintain a secret everyday..at school"

She embodied fury..my host reacted," I did not think I could feel any worse..until you said that"

I did not think it was about what I was saying ..I thought it was about what the son was pleading

Whitey

I am one of the few white faces among my co-workers..some of them have started to call me Becky..some to annoy me..some because they have friends that they call Becky

I am informed them that I would rather they call me "whitey" then Becky

Helpless

I have observed a big change in myself. I am no longer trying to be helpful.  On the west coast, I would insert myself into conversations with strangers (usually at Starbucks) to offer directions or tell
them where the closest branch of their bank is..

I do not do that on the east coast..perhaps there is a natural shedding of behaviors when a person is in a new place and certain behaviors are no longer expected...

Just Rub Me

A woman described getting a massage...she reported, "sometimes, when he is talking, I think

just stop talking and rub me"

Adele

I am listening to Adele sing that she would go to the end of the earth to show her love to someone..I do not feel that way about any man (right now)

WHAT A RELIEF!

Bone

I found a bone on the carpet of my host's living room  floor..I was curious what part of an animal's body it was..

Until my host served ribs for dinner

Pictures

I have started to take pictures of my every day life and text them to an out of town friend.  It has served as an excellent creative escape...which prevents me from seeking out poor social enfluences

Exit Polling

A campaign worker came into the store, his candidate was expected to be elected that night.  He informed me he was going to have a room at a four star hotel and all sexual advantages must be assumed.

Starting with the assembling of his costume for the execution of the penetration..a blazer was the first step..as he tried on different sizes ..I asked the important professional questions.." if a pen dropped, would you be able to pick it up, in that size"?

He kept repeating how much he had been working out..and so he only wanted the slim fit..I told him I hoped that the concierge arranged for a ceiling mirror to ONLY view the results of his body work.

Upon completion of the sale..I assured him that his evening would include some exit polling

Fruit

Sitting in the lobby..my commute has been completed..taking time before my opening shift..listening to beloved 80's music..eating a doughnut..I Do wonder when I look back at this time if I will wish I had the fruit.

Brunettes or Blondes

A man and I will sext though out our day..it can be the perfect work diversion..it can go on for hours..

I want him to describe what food he has eaten.."have you had any mac and cheese" "when" "what about potatoes" "baked or mashed"

He wants to know what  women I have eaten.."brunettes or blondes"

Visions Of Foster Care

When living at the host's house..I would frequently use the phone outside..I wanted to take every opportunity to be enveloped by the natural beauty of  her yard and larger area..

The second day she stated she was nervous every time I  used the phone outside..she feared that I was going to move back to Phoenix..or report her to government authorities..

I would never have done that ..even though I felt irresponsible for not contributing to the facilitation of a safer,clean place for him to live..the vision of the son,potentially, being placed in foster care always stopped me..

Marital Matchmaking

It is funny how it can creep up on you..or me..I will suggest certain female friends for a male friend of mine..

Matchmaking one couple is on my life list..so this was my opportunity to achieve and cross a line off my list of goals..and I can be tenacious about  shortening my life list.. I will offer the likes and dislikes of each other..so all will go well.."hey do this" "she would dig this" "do you want to know this about his/her personality"..all in the name of success right? creating positive change for someone else..

Sitting on the underground, it occurred to me that I committed the same behavior with the same intensity with my parents.." you know,mom, dad needs quiet time" "mom, he will not read that"

"Dad, mom does like not gifts from that store".."why don't you take mom to the movies"

Volcano of Garbage

The host informed me she was ready to make a change.  I wanted to help..I thought it would be a powerful human experience..I wanted to make use of each of my vacant days prior to starting my new job.

We started in the kitchen..she had a dustpan that looked like a kin to a shovel..she would sweep the large pieces of paper into the the yellow large cavity..I would hold different things up and ask if the
items were still viable..or past due..all still unwrapped..

As we worked together..she spoke excitedly of how she would feel once the debris was removed and a fresh start would begin..I wanted it for her..

Discovering the range of what had erupted from an,appearing, volcano of garbage was stunning...decade old licenses..hair products..trip mementos..and  then WE SAW IT:

A PACKAGE OF RAW HAMBURGER..BLACKENED FROM BEING BURIED UNDER TRASH ON HER KITCHEN FLOOR


We were able to clear the kitchen floor the first day of "our project" ..that night at dinner she told her
son that she had to stop me from throwing away his things..

"I GotsU"

Black men are treating me in the most gentlemanly of ways..they hold the door open..help me with my
luggage..they give me their seats on the underground..

They will follow their jewels of service with "I gots U" in a silky masculine voice..

I am not embarrassed to say that it melts my frozen sexual interior wall..just a little..

"You just Gotta Go"

I was about to walk the three flights to my underground stop..turning the corner ..I was confronted with a stampede of commuters..I stood still ..thinking it would only take a few minutes until the herd of passengers
hurled up the stairs..

A faceless kind voice said, " You just gotta go"

Appropriate for many of life's opportunities..

Moving Stairs

On my first full day in the Bay State, I got a full time job with benefits..it was to portend a start of new chapter of love and success..

I walked out of the interview and walked to the moving stairs and froze..I asked my host to go on to the parking garage and I would take the elevator..

I walked to the elevator ..I froze..I could not move my feet for either form of transportation to the lower levels...I had never been in this impractical position ..

My host was called and had to return to escort me to the garage..

I was able to use the electronic stairs,only, after I moved out of her house..

Dead Pan

The closest thing I get to home cooking is my dead-pan delivery..

Always Doing

Standing the host's kitchen gave me a sense of awe..she was working in her chosen profession..her son was doing well in school..she was making dinner every night ..her son wore clean clothes and had fresh packed lunch everyday for school..

Our daily conversations always reverberated of her having a sense of doing..getting art supplies for her child..
or discussing visiting a science center..

I was eager for her pro-active..always doing mode of operation to rub off on me..

Champion

I have to say that my host was a fierce champion for me.  She wanted me to have the best life had to offer...that people truly understood my value..and treated me accordingly..

We talked though out our days..you know the conversations that start with what you just did ..or describing what you are in the middle of doing and ending with what you are about to do..

She appeared to be always be on my side whenever I shared the minutia of all the components of my life..

We appeared to be on the same page during our exchange of details..The host was a cheerleader and a defender..she invited me into her home ..

what could go wrong?

Favored Vice

                   Not  everything can  be a reason to indulge in a favored vice

Layer of Paper and Plastic

My east coast host picked me from the Boston airport. ..her car was packed with an assortment of STUFF..I figured it was intended for a salvation army drop..on the way to the house, she said, "Now my house is a little messy"

I walked into the house..and what I saw..knocked the wind out of me..the kitchen floor was covered with large pieces of trash..pizza boxes..used underwear..an array of unopened mail..unmatched shoes..

the living room had a collection of to- go cups with sodas of a various ages that doubled as hatcheries of fruit fly type bugs..the carpets and the walls had inches of animal hair attached to them..

There was no clear surfaces anywhere..what if a resident needed  a surface to use a pen and paper..

crackling noises  were invoked whenever a foot moved on the man-made floor layer of paper and plastic

I was,now, living with a hoarder..

Aramis Commercial

I work in the men's division of a national department store chain.  A man lingered at my register after the completion of a purchase..

Man: "Would you like to get to know me"?


good line..I did wonder if I had stepped into an aramis commercial

A Room with a View

A high school friend invited me to rent a room,in her house, on the opposite coast.  The invitation comprised of most of my desired lifestyle components..It was an area with better public transportation..I would no longer be alone on the holidays..I had been wanting to return to the east coast for years..living with her would

protect me from hurting myself

I thought the universe had arranged this for me..I was unwavering in my focus to do what I could to release my life in Phoenix,Arizona..and move to the easy coast

What I did not know is, it never had a chance

And How

I,recently, attended a lunch with former class-mates..It was so interesting hearing people's feelings and their decision-making process during the daily social situations..that are invoked during young dating..

How they proceeded when they were getting to know themselves and their bodies..and how their perch and perspective colored their positions

Mental Hospital

I contacted a friend..an experienced social worker..for a list of local homeless shelters..for a source of volunteering..

The woman responded:  " I do not know how to get you into a homeless shelter..I can get you into a mental hospital"..

Getting in ..spending time in a mental hospital?..sounds relaxing..I could catch up on my sleep

Easier Not Harder

I have certain attachment..loyalty..appreciation..for certain people that enforce my daily progress

the cab-driver that gets me to my bus-stop to enable my arrival to work..the stranger
 that smiles and chats me out of moments of anxiety..the barristas that puts aside the foods that prevents conflicts with my G.I. Track...

They are making my life easier not harder

Duped

Rear view mirrors are frequently used as the ideal earth teachers...pleading to a friend..that I could not think of any warning signs ..in retrospect..seeking an education by revealing some the lines
exchanged with my former friend...

My current friend offered that I was duped and not to second guess my self..

it is bound to happen

What am I attracting?

There are days when I wonder if I am attracting negativity or only reacting to the negativity

Public TV

A sign of a good buzz is when I am able to hang out..smile while watching "Public Television"

One Person's...

A friend contacted me..

Friend: "How did you spend Memorial Day? BBQ? attend a parade?"

Me:" I sent an email to a man that served our country"..

Friend: " I wanted to give a soldier a smooch or a blow job ..I did not find any.."

One person's email is another person's oral sex

Angels Among Us

I missed my underground train stop today..not a biggie..I just got off at the following stop..standing near the door for the next stop..I heard a woman say, " That is to bad, she was so close"

Crossing the street, a man will say, "Be careful"

Employees will leave their posts to show what direction to heed for a desired location

My Mother would read and repeat stories of how they are angels among us....there have been days
in Boston when I have felt the same way..

Outgoing

My phone is only taking incoming phone calls..I can not make calls or send text messages.. this could be the perfect scenario for me..eliminating my chances of contacting the wrong people..

Radar Love

A woman urged me to believe that my emotional tight ropes have safety nets..illustrating how the  power of belief will prove to protect me..

Sitting in the back of a cab..a song came on.."radar your love"..being open to give and receive

Are the practical and the impractical equally important to fuel a positive life?

Less Or More?

The captions to yahoo pictures will have the option of  less or more..I wish human conversations had that option..

Training Films

I attended a training session with a large company.  The video's narrator would state.."Click next to learn something new"

I thought what a good thing to practice in real life..hitting next would avoid dwelling on negatives that life throws my way..

Am I a Twin?

Whenever I spend time with people that exhibit a significant cataclysm between their verbal behavior description. and the behavior they actually exhibit....the more they talk about self awareness the more it is observed that they do not appear to have any..

There are days when I wonder ...am I twin?

Multiple Times

I call people to much...there are days..when it is all I can do to resist calling certain people if not most of the people in my life..all in the name of avoiding calling multiple times in a day ..or a week..

Pre-determined Stop

A commuter train appears to be an fertile opportunity to have a good conversation with a stranger..less pressure ..the ending of the conversation is predetermined

Hand Written Tickets

I have been in situations..certain jobs..where I will start to break down..I will not make a change because I am convinced I must practice.."MIND OVER MATTER"..focusing on the practical reasons
I must continue to engage in the choice..

Then there will be a point of no return..I will make never made mistakes..which will hand write my ticket for departure.

Sandwich in the Purse

A woman had spent hours looking at the varied merchandise of Macy's..I had wondered if she had brought a sandwich in her purse..

Gotcha

I was stepping onto an underground train..a man extended his hand and said,"I gotcha"

The kindness of strangers can change a self view, a day or a life

Conquering It

Being faced with a fear gives an opportunity to conquer the fear

Origin

Feeling alienated is a form of loneliness..being among people that peck you with insults..words wasted with the excuse to insult..

Because an origin of loneliness is feeling displaced

Street Angel

I was standing in  a court yard in Boston.  Coming out a different exit disoriented me.

Me: (whispering voice) "Where am I"?

Homeless Man: "It is across the street"

He perfectly pointed,with a smile, to my desired building of entry

Distorted Self View

Interacting with people that focus on what I do wrong can be sufficating..it can result in providing a distorting self view

F & F

I have a relative without his marbles..he could star in the "Forgetful and the Furious"

Crying in the Shower

I have two men in my life that fall into a super crush category.  My behavior is raw and nervous around them . they view my behavior as a result of my bigger behaviors ..over thinking..committing extremely poor social choices..choices of people in particular

At the end of each phone conversation with each of the men..I want to break down and sob..
I tell my friends, " I just talked to Avie ..so now I am going to go cry in the shower"

Think Glenn Close in "The Big Chill"

My theory is that I go over each word that I said with the harshest of combs.. thinking I may never
talk to the person again..and I left such a bad impression..it happens everytime..

yet I can not walk away because what if the next time is the time I really nail it..and show my best self

Peaceful Confession

a friend was discussing her relationships with me..her emotional reactions..what she missed when she was not around certain people ...

She finished the dialogue with: " yes, it is tough sometimes ..I know the peace I will achieve has to come from me" ..

Catsitting

A woman described her cat.  She reported that the younger version of her cat used to run and hide when around people.

The older version of her cat comes out (when in the company of guests) and sits calmly and confidently. 

I have,now, been inspired by a cat.

Stranger's confession

A stranger revealed that he did not like his wife.  He introduced the topic by reporting, he prefers (it) whenever she is not home.

"you see, I married her because I liked her look".. and now he is married to a personality he never
liked

Bottomless Pits

Angry people are bottomless pits

Gone

When the distractions are gone..my wGoneay..commute.. the .struggles start..

Underground Musician

People sing and play instruments in the underground stations of Boston. There is one singer that stands  out in my mind.

His picked songs that perfectly blended with is soothing voice.  His clothes and shoes were polished.

As paper bills made a hushing swooshing sound in his viola case...I pondered all he must do to practice his art for strangers and donations..

Most importantly, keep the power of motivation

Blood Test

A man walked into my sales area.  He requested gift ideas for his marital anniversary..it was the year of iron

I suggested he give a blood test..to check to see if she was anemic

Emergency Room

Having an opportunity to spend time in an emergency room gave me an view on a raw human experience.

A parent and friend came in..in clothes that were..comfortable..close by..jeans..aging sweater..hair showing evidence  of a morning blow dry.. at close to fourteen hours later..

Tennis shoes escorting them to the information booth..asking questions like..."do they check pockets
if a person is brought in unconscious"..said in a most articulate and polite manner.."what are the ways
they try to identify who is brought in"

I sat in an institutional chair and cried..about another kind of pain that comes with loving someone

Off-Sides

I reported to a girlfriend that two people gave me two very different sides of the same story..

She said: "Do you need to pick a side..a version"?

This is why she is my choice of a  superior girlfriend..

Kosher

I met a Jewish woman that eats kosher.  I asked her about kosher eating habits.  She explained that kosher choices do not permit the combination of meat and cheese.

A cheeseburger was suggested as a meal that would not be served in a kosher home. 

Giving up cheeseburgers?...to raise her children in a traditional way..now that is LOVE!

Uphill Battles

People that choose friends and lovers that are less then the best fit for themselves..also choose uphill
battles for themselves..

Emotional Gladiators

The three men I crave appear diverse on the surface, yet, they have one quality in common.  They are all gladiators regarding anyone insulting me..particularly my looks..

What I did not have in my past..I walk towards for my future..

Length

A woman revealed to me that her relationship with her lover was coming to an end..she thought it would have lasted longer.."Why can't just one area( of my life) be easy"? she would express to me

I suggested: "Maybe it is not about the length of the relationship..it is about the purpose?  perhaps
this emotional tutorial is coming to an end"

Practice makes Perfect

Whenever I am feeling pecked away by the subtle insults of others..I must tell myself that it is an opportunity to perfect my ability to slough off other's views of me

Safe Havens

I am getting to know the library in "my new town" ..It is always important to collect safe havens.. a place that is free and places minimal time demands its visitors..

New prayer

My new prayer is "I will"

Mistress

A gal pal complained that her married boyfriend lied to her.

Clothes,food and what I say

When feeling more powerless..I break down all the decisions a day brings..clothes..food...what I tell people

taking the control when I can through decisions....will empower me

Art Forms

It is an art to listen without suggesting solutions

Did Not Have Me

A woman asked me about a male friend.  I explained to her that he longer needed a listener because he was no longer in crisis..so he "dropped me like a hot potato"

My friend keenly observed: "he did not have you to drop you"

Orange

Working a big sale day in a department store..

Man: (Pointing aggressively to the penis portion of an orange underwear advertisement)
"I want this"

Me: "we,only, sell underwear"

White Noise

I have met people that have lived in  physical  disarray ...whenever I have asked them about the cracked wall boards..the ripped carpet..the interior of their high-end car.. they respond that they
have not noticed

do the worse parts of our lives become "white noise"