Bitchiness as the new Black

I know a woman that defines every form of complex.  She wears bitchiness like the new black.

When I informed her of a positive life development, her voice represented a purely undiluted
happiness for me...embodying a most natural form of pleasure for my personal advancement.

And that is why  I am loyal to her..that is why I feel lucky to have her in my life..in the role of  an invaluable friend.

McDonald's

I saw a woman in flannel pajama bottoms at a McDonald's.  Looking at her..I wondered if showing up at a fast food restaurant in Jammie's was a form of giving up..then again, I was at the McDonald's also..

"Gee Whiz, Really?"

Telling a friend, " my emotional pixels were not exactly dancing during that physical encounter"

She counseled, " I think you are a person that needs intellectual stimulation"

Leaving me thinking, " Geez whiz, really?, that is to bad"

Eyes on the Prize

I have become very results driven during my sexually themed phone conversations with a ring of men. A pyramid will start to form a word vision layer at a time..then he will ask me about the movie, "Lincoln" and I will emote, "Eyes on the prize"..

He will announce, " You will not be happy until I complete the mission"

I will  spit out, "No,never, why should I?"

Surviving Belief

A certain attained belief has enabled me to shake off many unfortunate encounters..the belief is;

"just because (insert name or pronoun) said it, does not make it true"

The Other Half

When seeing a couple holding hands or walking by me..I would think how nice for them..they may not  be affected by a specific wanting..

Today, I wondered if  a half of the couple was holding back the other half

Bean Bag Chair

Hanging out, with a girlfriend, at a dive bar.  A man,in his twenties, suggested I join him back at his pad..

I  declined the option by predicting that I did not see a bean bag chair in my future

A Do Not Do list

I give certain people opportunities to mistreat me. Their form of disrespect is indifference.

I facilitate the indifference by sending them texts or submitting voice mails..at the time of the above mention practice..I think I am being friendly..or I can not sleep..I am thinking more about the individual act then the over all pattern

I have discovered that if I write down what bad behavior I will not engage in at the beginning of each day ..I will not do it..so I write down I will not text Avie today and I do not..

A DO NOT DO LIST..as it were

"Deep Thinkers"

A supervisor asked me : " you are one of those deep thinkers, aren't you"?

I requested time to over think the question

Without Being Self- Destructive

When I feel powerless, I turn to my blog for comfort.  I release my feelings of sadness, anger, irritation and fear through a blog posting.  The minute the words develop on the computer screen..I feel better.

I feel so lucky to have discovered a method of empowerment..a way to escape with being self destructive

Happiness

Many days, I think happiness should be seen and not heard.

Impervious

People continue to ask me what or who I want to be when I grow up

My answer continues to be: IMPERVIOUS

Food Stamps

I bought a less lucky woman coffee at "my Starbucks"..she reluctantly, gratefully took the coffee..

I should have tried to squeeze her for  her  food stamps.

"On the Spur"

I have created a new phrase.."on the spur"   short for "on the spur of the moment"

phrase perfection for texting.. we hit the happy hour "on the spur"

is my proof of coolness ..changing how people use a cliche..intimidating?

Homeless Fashion

A woman complimented parts of my wardrobe.  I started to gush a big thank you..then I realized she
dresses like a homeless person..

Next Life

In my next life, I would like to come back as less approachable

"Fuck Me"

I conversed with my  friend about my inability to sign on to a national credit card company website:

Me:  "I was  like FUCK ME"

Friend: did it?

Me: yes, without  service charges or annual fees

Spinal Fluid

Whenver I start to get hyper nervous and hyper stressed...I have to break it down to basics.. I start to
mentally list what I am grateful for...Having spinal fluid is always the first item on my list of gratefuls..the minute I think it ..my tension immediately dissolves

Sticky Wicket

A woman suggested if I changed my appearance.."that it would change your social desirability" 

I did not want to continue the conversation about this subject ..so I did not verbally react to her comment.

The next day I was upset with myself because I did not "shut down" the topic..

it is a sticky wicket

Walgreen's Photo

Wanting to avoid the long check-out line at Walgreen's, I went to "Photo" to complete my transaction.

While heading out the nation's pharmacy, I observed the same man planted in the same position in the same line..

I wanted sidle up to him and loudly whisper, " Live on the edge,man, go to photo"

Rich Group of Words

A walking partner verbalized an excellent point and I want to pass it on to you..

While we were walking and talking..I expressed a discomfort in maintaining a certain friendship
..the guy had disposed of me and now he is calling..I feel by interacting with him I am telling him
that I do not have value and that it is not okay to throw me away..and I make lives better

Yet I am being told I am holding a grudge which is unhealthy for me to do..

My sidewalk sally said: only you knows how it feels because you are the one in it..

yeah, and I feel uncomfortable...I thought that was a really rich group of words..

Law and Order

An attorney made  a jaw gropingly  viscous observation to me.  She said," Law and Order is fiction" .

Now, I have spent many an hour in a home with  "Law and Order" dialogue as my background music
for many a domestic chore.

FICTION? doesn't she know the "stories are ripped from the headlines"?

Nestling with Terry Cloth

I petsit. Different client's dogs have shown different ways of  giving me love.  My new favorite display of their unconditional acceptance is when they lay on the bathmat while I am in the shower.

particularly when they nestle with the terry cloth showing they are open to waiting to any length of time

"Breakfast Club"

Today, a high school friend informed me that a former classmate expressed a dislike for another classmate.

I said, " Gee whiz, I am really surprised a person would not like her..  the most popular boy in high school dated her"

My friend announced, " Rebecca, we are not in the breakfast club anymore"

Protein Shakes

I may have found the solution to one of my bigger life's problems.  PROTEIN SHAKES  could  be a key life answer.

I had a smoothie with protein powder at "my Starbucks".  It staved off hunger for over four hours.

Most importantly, my night-time cravings were abolished.

I am excited.

Boulder Holders

I had to be at work at 5am..I applied layers sleepily.. to shield from the thirty degree weather

When I got to work...and started to delayer..I realized I plum forgot to place my more then a pancake
chest in boulder holders..

My friend suggested I might be reprimanded for such an offense..Can you imagine that  meeting

with "Human Resources"?

Surrendering

I bought a pair of draw string pants. They have become loose.  I never know if I am loosing weight

or if  the pants are SURRENDERING

Lovely

The woman, assigned with my childhood care, used the word,lovely, every third word.

I used to scold her.."what about expanding your vocabulary"

Now, I say, lovely all the time..

Looking back, how I spent,some of my concentration seems silly to me..

"Oh,Okay"

Most Mornings, I need a crane to rise from my bed.  Spending my final ten minutes, with covers removed while mentally subtracting parts of my make-up routine...

"Eye shadow is not mandatory"...

I reported to a friend, " I am such a looser..I have the hardest time getting up..shouldn't I be able up to get up without a quibble in my forties"?..

She responded, " so you are not a morning person..who cares..I am not either"..

Oh, okay..

Delayed Craving

I had a craving for chocolate for hours. A plan was created to purchase the candy.  I arrived at "my market" and the craving disappeared.

In the past, I would have forged on with the fulfilling of the craving...an act to prevent a future craving..this time I did not buy the "M&Ms" ..I thought there will be another craving and maybe I will get them then..

Mallet

I was assigned a project to complete during my work shift.  The manager left a mallet on the floor next to my workspace

Was this a subtle threat? ..

Her Generous Gift

I reunited with a lovely woman ..I used to know..on a commercial sidewalk.  She described how her life unraveled and how she is emotionally cobbling it back together..

Her sharing the imperfections of her life was a generous gift to me..

Creaky Throat

This is my second winter being slapped with sickness.  The worst part of being sick is the whistling
wheezing that occurs when I lay down..sounds of a creaky crawlspace reverberating from my throat..

Being proactive in prevention is in the works for next winter

Two Good Lines

I heard two good lines today from two different women.

The first line: I can not control or change how people respond or react to me

The second line:   You are caring more then she appears to be caring about you


Words for chosen marination

Grocery List

I stood in my ghetto pad clutching a slip of paper.  A grocery list written by a person from my past..I had turned to him and asked him for help..his advisor was abusive to me and I asked him if he was willing to step in to stop the abuse

He was not. He did not. 

I was reluctant to dispose of the paper because he was deceased and I thought that added more value
to the paper.

Maybe I added more value to the paper then he did to me

Knowing Everything

Saying to a friend, " She may not know everything"

He said, " Everything is a lot..to know.. everything is a lot to know"

Elton John

I am sitting in a bistro.  The sound system is playing,"Your Song" by Elton John,..it was a song that played in my child home A LOT..whenever I heard it ..I always thought this is the perfect illustration of a person expressing love for another person..

About eighteen years ago, I was riding in a car with a man and he said, " you know, I was listening to Elton John, and "Your Song" is a beautiful song"

Yes, it is

A Man I should get to Know

I was interacting with a man regarding the behavior of insecure women.  I blurted out " and she has a boyfriend" ..without speculation for relevance..

He responded, " A boyfriend should tell their girlfriend what is right about them"

I thought this is a man I should get to know..

Lane Change

I was standing in line in "my market"..diverting between my desire for a heath bar and the knowledge that once I left the store the craving would dis-solve...

My final judgement was to place the the candy bar back along side its colorfully wrapped mates. The next woman in line approached me and praised me without hesitation for releasing the candy bar..

I realized it was a really kind evaluation that I was ready to hear..during another period in my life I would have become mortified and thought how is my choice of consumption her concern..

Now I think, a stranger complimenting another stranger ..HOW WONDERFUL!

Shared Emotional Safety

A man and a woman were discussing how best to program a laptop..the woman discussed her needs of informational access  the man was getting frustrated and hungry ..he made a rather snappish remark..she ignored it and they created an agreeable finish

I was wondering if this was a sign an atmosphere of shared emotional safety..she knew he was getting tired  and that may not be the opportunity to establish a desire for a change of behavior..


Picking battles and timing

Cascading Pepsi

Congestion and cold chills had been keeping me company for the better part of a week.  Having gone
through every corporate entity stamped napkin I could find..I united my moxie and got myself over
to "my Walgreen's"  

My motivation to get to the apothecary was the feeling of a cold Pepsi cascading down my throat.

I arrived at my "corner of happy and healthy" which quickly turned into a crossroads of Kleenex
and a soda.  Standing in the middle of the drugstore with a mere $1.50 to my name... teetering
between the two choices..soda or Kleenex..paper towels or Pepsi

I should be embarrassed at close I came to using the cloth of certain clothes to relieve my congestion

Ellen Goodman, Boston Globe Columnist

I read the following in a book of collected views of Ellen Goodman, a Boston Globe Columnist...

"Discrimination against  what we "see".  The "most unattractive children" in the classrooms of our
youth had their lives and personalities warped by that fact.  Their painful experiences of rejection nurtured in them an expectation of rejection. That expectation, like some paranoia, was almost always
fulfilled"


Most days I think I have a sense of distance from being targeted for my looks..then my body language will convey a different story..or certain public behaviors at holiday parties will happen

So knowing certain things is not putting me at a place to change certain things..yet

Red Clearance

I entered a woman's house, wearing a red coat.  She raved about the color and the style.  I informed her that it was on clearance..she reacted: oh, I am sure there is nothing wrong with it..

I meant: yeah, and I got a good price on it too

Missed thought connections must happen all day, all night all over the world..wide and narrow

Ring Finger

I wear an emerald ring..it has become looser and looser..nearly falling off at times

It is such a good feeling to,finally, be getting rid of more of my pesky finger fat..

Easedropping

I am sitting next to a man and a woman engaging in a blind date.  I can hear their whole conversation and the patting of his hand on her thigh.

My reaction is one of admiration for the woman.. the motivation that must be invoked to get ready
to make a first impression..the fresh hope required to assemble an outfit and moisturize one's arms and legs.

Deciding what to edit from personal histories..what to add..


He is now reading her the email/text exchange he endured to get the girl's contact information from the girl's friend

Mercy

I get through most of my time on this earth by communicating with other people..this puts me at the
mercy of  people..and that can easily include people that are not the best choice to advance my life
or being..

This,is also, why sales is almost an essential career choice for me..

Everyday, I choose to believe that this "mercy" will  lessen with each minute,hour,day,month,and year

Not Just a Tidbit

Certain days are harder then others..some days it hurts me to be awake..on those days I must

decide to keep walking and be insistent that I must be gentle with myself..


Because success on those particular days is functioning..

I will request,from a key person,  a tidbit in the morning..it is not just a tidbit ..it can have the
power of motivation..

we are not always aware the power we can have in other's lives

Cruel? Is It?

A friend of a friend breaks down my appearance..what style of dress I wear..what color eye shadow..

When I have been told that everything would be better perhaps even perfect if I looked differently

His behavior has been explained by both men as " all in good fun".. it is not fun to me.. and when the focus

is physically and emotionally uncomfortable..then doesn't it become at a certain point

CRUEL?

"Carry the One"

I was talking to a man about the month of January..I offered that January could be a holiday let down
month..he assessed people seem to be more cranky this month..perhaps they are elements of an emotional remainder bin happening in society I responded

He said," remember to carry the one" 

I thought that was a brilliant way to remind myself that I am only responsible for myself

Buddhism

I called a friend regarding a feud I have with a certain person in my life..I left  a voice mail..panting

I did not think I was maintaining any anger towards this person and then I was in the same room with
this guy .... he attacked me and I  made all these classic mistakes..letting him get to me..

The woman friend texted me..she wrote that she understood..that she had had similar experiences and she turned to Buddhism..

HAS IT REALLY COME TO THAT?

Ways to Express It

I was spending time with a mother and an adult daughter and they brushed against each other.

They both used it as an opportunity to give each other a little hug.. ..letting all feelings go
except for love and choosing  a way to express it

David Letterman

I was inspired by David Letterman today.  I watched his interview with Oprah Winfrey.

He said that his behavior was inconsistent with the image he  had of himself and that he was searching for why that is..

I  can relate to that..I have exhibited behavior in my private life that is contrarian to a
more positive confident personal presentation and I should find out why..

Cotton Candy

I shared a crosswalk with fifth graders ..coming from the bus-stop..discussing their day..

the leader of the pack," he gave me all of his cotton candy..he said I could have it all..he is just the
nicest person"

Micheal jackson

I was wearing a t-shirt featuring Micheal Jackson in a classic dance move..a man questioned my choice of  featured dead celebrity..

I responded," I am a fan of prescription medication"

Position of Peace

I have been thinking about my relationships with certain woman friends..and how I never take their behavior personally..I am rarely defensive around them..when they are not in touch with me ..I do
not feel rejected or neglected..I am able to believe that they are busy and will be in touch when they can..

There are days when I wish I behave this same way around everyone I value..display less nervous
behaviors which probably reinforces the grey feelings of anxiety between the person and me..

The reason for my position of peace with the certain friends is that I am profoundly confident
in the place that is the root of their behavior and that place does  not appear to have any evidence of malice

"Processing it"

A woman friend does not always answer me when I share my developments with her.

I would,often, consider find it cold.. One night I asked her why she would not respond when I reported a painful conversation..

She said, she was processing it..understanding the reason behind the silence replaced the aggravation

with an appreciation for her not  shooting from the hip...or not jumping to  conclusions

Making her Miserable

A person described witnessing an unjust treatment perpetrated by a co-worker..He concluded the story by saying he was  determined to make her miserable for how she treats  the people under
her supervision..

Is that the best use of his concentration?

Maternal Men

I will meet nurturing ..dare I say maternal..men..They guide me through life one detail a time..

I was discussing pants with one maternal man and he offered a phone number of a seamstress..

Then they seem to move on,without warning, and I will be left in a form of stunned recovery..

Gluten

I have friends that have dated married men..or they have pondered the notion.. I relay a neutral reaction.."to each their own"

I have my hands full with gluten..

Empty Calories..Empty Bank Account

There are days..when sources of sugar feel to be within my reach everywhere I go..I could pop in a market..get a candy bar or danish..or pop into a subway for a cookie..Starbucks for pumpkin bread

I must come from a new angle..that it is a waste of money..2 dollars become 5 dollars and so on,,

Three days of spending 5 dollars adds up fifteen dollars..which can buy u a cotton top at Old Navy

or a black dress they just added to clearance...

"Love You"

I,routinely, hear people say on their mobile phones, " Love You".. it is more then an expression..the person saying it ..is saying that the other person is worthy of sharing your life..their partner..

Then shouldn't  a person give it ownership by putting "I" in front of  one of the most important
four words ever said..

I wonder at a Certain Age

Signing on to facebook, I read an example of "wall art" that described a person as heartbroken even when they light up a room..

I,used, to wonder why people did not step in to help me when I could not help myself out of an
emotional quagmire..

now I wonder if when I reach a certain age..if I should  know how to seek help..

now that is how I feel today..sadness or depression can be paralizing

Between Lightness and Darkness

I was called into work on my day off..as I was leaving, I thanked my manager by declaring that
productivity lightens my darkness..

Another person informed me that I should not be describing, my disposition, to people as dark..


I think  discussing your outlook to a handpicked bunch of people may prevent isolation..and may
create longer intervals between your periods of lightness and darkness..

Timing of Perfection

I got an email from a person today..a person I see infrequently..he wrote that he missed my dry wit
which would generate his smiles..

His email had a timing of perfection..if you think of how you like a person ..no quality to small
let the person know..even if you barely know the person

I think,sometimes, if can mean more from an acquaintance because it is less expected and it does not
feel like the person is obligated such as with an old friend

COMPLIMENT ..DO NOT HESITATE..DO IT!

Steady Income

An older man and I were discussing earning social security.  The man cringed and groaned, "don't bring it up"....When I asked him,"why? it is a steady income and I would feel damn glad to get it"

He explained," it reminds me that I have more past  then future..and I thought I would be in a different place in my life by now"


PERSPECTIVE

Heavenly Dial

When a childhood friend died..people would tell me stories about picking up the phone to contact the person ..in almost a sleep walking manner..then before they start dialing they awaken themselves with reality of the person's passing..

Well it is starting to happen to me..five years after her death..I thought about calling her over the New
Years week-end...then today I was going to call her to discuss my work day

I could hear myself saying " Winnie, my shift started at 5AM and I got there early..can you believe
that"?

Then I realized I will not be able hear her say, " Gee Whiz! 5AM? and you DID  it!

Motivating Method

The week before New Years Day..I motivate myself by asking: do you want to start the new year
with this clutter...or do you want start the new year with this habit...do you want to start the new year
tainting your emotional atmosphere with a certain personality..

Last night, I wondered about using the same motivating method at the start of new day or a new week