Liberation

This week, I spent an evening making five trips to a salvation army dumpster.

I felt emotionally lighter with each trip. Every object that immediately invoked a
bad memory was evicted from my apartment. I also removed items that generated feelings of conflict because if a purely positive feeling was not created. It also
went.

WHAT LIBERATION!

Thankful

A driver informed me that I was overly thankful and how it annoyed him.

I thanked him.

Recluse

Sweeping outside my apartment, a neighbor opened his door. The moment his eyes caught sight of me, He shut the door. Hearing the door shut, sprayed me to wonder if he was a recluse.



Hey, I like him already...the world should have more recluses.

Red Dress

A red dress represented how my mother wanted me to look. Every time I looked at the hanging
dress,I thought of how my mother craved a different version of me.

The dress survived three moves. It's raw silk classic style always prevented the release of it and a clear smock of sadness along with it.

Last night, I gave the dress away..it seemed like alot of pressure to put on a dress

Backpack

Walking into the classroom with a backpack of reactions to comments undervaluing me
clogs my communication. When talking to the kids, I am talking to a younger self.

Being in the 1970's and 1980's while conversing in 2012 has made me to weary. The
wordiness of trying to establish a just environment while trying to heal my felt injustices is interfering with the natural flow of the classroom.

backpack may still remain..it is starting to shrink though

Grief

I am realizing that I am in a grief period. My friends tell me to move on. How is not clear.

Business and time will prove to be an effective aloe.

"Inbetween"

I asked a six year old how she was feeling,she replied "inbetween". I asked her what she meant. She said "not quite happy,not quite sad"

I love that. I will use it.

Haitual People

The removal of certain people may lead to the removal of certain habits. It can happen so naturally.

Overspending..overeating..drinking..lateness..not eating..cutting...verbal put downs...

may stop because ejecting the source of anxiety may stop the drive to use habits to

band-aid it.

Submarine

I have spent my minutes asking the universe about purpose. What was the purpose of meeting him? what was the purpose of feeling so close and accepted. What is the purpose of his moving on before me?

Roaming a gourmet market..it clicked..meeting and uniting was a submarine of friendship.

I will always have known him in a specific time and space..perhaps a space as limited
as a submarine..in the ocean of life

Onto to navigating in other areas of Marine life

Within Our Abilities

He addressed a fear by empowering me with a compliment. Compliments are an act that makes our individual lives better..it is free..within all of our abilities ...

DO IT!

Bang-Bang

Homeless people collect in the nooks and crannies of my key strip mall. A man armored with a canvas bag threatened to shoot me.

My eyes pleaded "shoot fast and aim for the temples"

Linkedin

A free fast way to tell a friend that you are thinking of them is to scan their
Linkedin profile.

Reading the list of people, I feel good knowing an executive from Cox Communications
took a minute to think of me.

The Next Place

The brutality of waking up inhibits me from being able to emotionally commit to my
final morning destination, the workplace.

I can only think about the next thing or the next place. Brushing hair, finding keys and leaving the apartment.

The crucial "next place" is in the pursuant of soda. What gets me up is knowing that I will be able to have the option of sipping soda before entering my workplace.

What is your crucial next place?

Monk's Quote

The Rev.Master Jisho Perry, a monk at the Shasta Abby, counseled,

"Patience is the ability to end our expectations"

I need to learn not to react to behavior until it unfolds in front of me. Anxiety cloaks
me in anticipation of a behavior..

he will not call...I will be fired..I am going to be confronted..I will not be able sleep

Planting Seeds

Asking the universe and releasing the desire is proving to be a most effective route
to achievement.

I asked the universe for the return of a certain galpal and I ran into her at "my starbucks" (it brews dreams)

I plant every available seed and release it. Results bloom everyday

Special Empathy

Being sick for over two months has given me a special empathy with patients of chronic condition.

Different days bringing different symptoms. Needing to go into hiding to have a prayer of
being able to return to work the following Monday.

Grappling for comfort in instant gratification

"Big Meeting"

A person expressed anxiety prior to a "big meeting". I thought about coaching him to pretend to he was practicing a habit that most relaxed him.

sweeping..cooking..walking a favorite path..knitting..driving a particular route

Smashing Denial

I listened to a message that was meant for a friend's mobile phone's voicemail. Forced me to smash a denial that had kept me convinced that my messages got to a point and do not waste my friend's time.

AWWW NO! hearing my congested voiced words with randomly sprinkled pauses and words...stripped me any such assumption..

Hold On

In the beginning we talked all the time. He told me what was right about me. There was nothing I could not do..except hold on to him

Cafeteria Tray

Talking to the kids frequently sends me to a time when I could barely juggle my self esteem
and a cafeteria tray. I feel a strong composition of admiration,compassion and understanding  for the complicated lifestyles of children.

Overshadowed Sibling

It has become important to me to highlight the overshadowed sibling. I have begun to report events of excellence to parents. I ignore their sibling's repellent behavior. Viewing the parent's reaction has been rewarding...a certain parent's reaction went
from warm to truly loving...

Also the "good' sibling has expressed relief when their sibling does not get a negative report.

Hey, I would rather cut the tension then cut the cheese..any day of the week

Positive Posting

A facebook posting made me feel like a million dollars. It is so easy to believe that
postings will get swept up in a word undertow. Positivity pops up on the seewall of facebook. I will write more positive postings.

Tommy

I see Tommy everyday. He appears to move in the world with the utmost confidence. Tommy expressed a desire to use more of his knowledge in a different form of employment.

An opportunity could be coming his way..he showed reluctance...it is hard to leave a comfort zone...even when you may want to...

Holiday Freak

Winter holidays and my birthday transform me into a holiday freak. My value becomes dramatically altered because I have not experienced an expression of unconditional love
from a specifically selected person.

It is not about other's unconditional love ..it is about mine for myself

Friendship Nesting

A friend asked me a question. The question unsettled me. Feeling unsettled birthed a reluctance to feather a nest for a long term relationship.

seeking her thoughts behind the question..getting her answer lifted my storm clouds of anxiety

Birthday Cake

A birthday cake was featured in my employee lounge. Precut colorful slices were offered to nearly all who entered the building.

It was my birthday and I was not offered cake.

Dating Pink Eye

I had a date with "pink eye" last Friday night. I was unable to read any magazines or books. Reading and I have been in a long term relationship for years. My dalliance tempted me to contact people from my past. Thinking about it..I thought about sitting in the dark..or inviting certain people back in my life to pierce the darkness..I opted for the emotional lightness in the physical darkness.

Free Expression

A student yelped,squealed and all remaining verbal colors. I viewed it as free expression. I asked the small group surrounding her if the sounds emoting from their
classmate's mouth were affecting their nerves.They did not resist.

When her mother picked her up..she expressed relief because she was tired of yelling.

I felt bad for not reading her mind....I did compliment her for expressing herself..

OWNING IT!

A friend urged me,nearly daily, to watch a video of my performing stand-up comedy. I classified the prospect as traumatic..watching and hearing myself..

Last night, I decided to watch the ten minute video at a Starbucks' wooden table. Life gave me the rare gift of being able take in a personal act without being self conscious.

I felt a sense of ownership that I had never experienced ...I did this and no-one can
ever take this away from me....what is the gift of ownership you can give yourself?

Do a cannon ball in a pool of your talents...splash in your victories

RESPECT

Stating in a classroom that I deserve respect has proven to be a daily affirmation. Saying it in the classroom leads me to assume the position of personifying a demand for respect in all areas of my daily life. How natural my words ejaculate from my mouth
sharpens my entitlement to receiving respect from all people.

Ice Cream Bar

Thinking of ways to reduce my daily spending, I decided to stop buying ice cream bars
and soda.

Standing in walgreens, I became stressed that I was unable to purchase an ice cream bar and purchased an ice cream bar to lessen the stress created by the stress of eliminating my answer for stress.

El POLLO LOCO

Emerging from sleep is frequently in tandem with a rude awakening. Grappling for a reason to spring from bed to apply work clothes...my attention turns to my daily opportunity to become one with rice...rice is a key ingredient in my motivation to start my work day.. El Pollo Loco is the provider of the rice..

Angry People

It is so easy to think angry adults and children do not care what is thought of them..Yet the angry adults and children are the first ones..in my environment ...to request affirmation for their behavior.

The Punishment

A parent informed his son's teacher that his son was fresh during dinner at applebee's.

He reacted by bringing his son into the bathroom and spanking him. I would have thought his punishment would have been eating dinner at applebee's.

Saying it with my Eyes and Mouth

I beamed in on my favorite Starbuck's table. Telling myself to forge on upon seeing it already had a resident. Telling him with both my eyes and mouth, we do not need to talk.

I then proceeded to report how nice it is not to talk.

DECLINED

Standing at "my Starbucks" counter..(where else?) with an egg salad sandwich between a shift
supervisor and me when my debit card was DECLINED..



Collecting pavement within my strip mall on a Sunday with no cash and a worthless debit card..made me want to consume a cornucopia of junk food at "my Circle K"

Flava Flave

I joined a gym and hired a compact Latin trainer. I was motivated. Wanting to walk off my anxiety, I grabbed a few CDs and my twenty year old portable compact disc player..it was on
I was primed..my speed and escalation was set..I look at myself in the window..the compact
disc player looked like the clock "Flava Flave" sported

Being Emotionally Limber

A looming birthday. Struggling to sleep,struggling to make peace with who I am not
and what I have not done.

Standing in the check-out line, I decided to think about what I have done.

Being in my forties is being emotionally limber to change perspectives.

Daily Victories

Finishing my shifts comparing myself to the prior day's shift has taught me to posses a balanced view of my role during the course of the school day. I pinpoint,during my nightly commute, my personal daily victories.

I also relive moments through-out my day where I connected with a child..seeing
a visual presentation of a student being at peace with himself.. that is the employee evaluation that is important to me

Headhunter Heaven

Spending my hours at Starbucks,stomach tight and with my eyes glued to job websites.
Friends would dismiss my fears by declaring that my deceased mother would hand-pick a position for me. It is all arranged..do not worry were their parting words.

I am not quite ready to believe that our deceased relatives are in an ethereal office
of economical security.

We all have deceased relatives and friends ...so why is there an unemployment rate?